Random Ketchup...

cd 14... 2nd HIGH on monitor... no sex yet... hopefully tonight...

Yesterday I received a memorial bracelet from The Shining Light Fund... I ordered it over a year ago and never thought it would actually come since my order date was 9/14/04. But it was a total gift since there is no charge and I sort of forgot about it a long time ago... thinking my order probably got lost in the shuffle. In fact, during the summer, I actually bought myself another bracelet to honor my losses. But when I received this package today it felt like an early Christmas gift. It is beautiful. Tiny pearls and aquamarine to remember my two tiny angels. It is so simple and so touching that someone across the county made this for me it just really meant a lot. If you would like to order a bracelet, donate or volunteer please visit their website... I know I will be supporting this amazing charity.

I am having a hard time at work with my co-teacher... I just pray that he/we are able to pull this show together and get it open on the 7th... I am not sure if he is going to stay for next year... which is stressful. Someday I hope that I can find someone with the same work ethic as me.. but I think I drive people crazy because I am so demanding in my program. I don't know... how do you have a worthwild program without having super high expectations. He seems overwhelmed and I don't know what to do to pull the production through... I am feeling very uncomfortable around him and have no idea how to help him through this... how to make him happy... or how to talk to him about whether or not I need to start searching for a new teacher. OK.. one day at a time...

Mr. D. has started a new show that opens on the 31st... The schedule is grueling... rehearsals 7pm-11pm... 4 hours work a night is not at all grueling.. but they happen to be the only 4 hours that I am home and awake during the school week. His is off on Saturdays.. so that is good! Off Christmas Eve and Christmas Day... good... But has to work on our anniversary and New Year's Eve... bad. Oh well... it is not as bad as it could be... I thought there might even be Christmas Eve rehearsals... So... I will have a lot of shopping time by myself. Boy.. I think my New Years resolution will be to make some friends.

I need to do all my Christmas shopping by the 17th so I can celebrate with my Dad on the 18th and get stuff for my Mom in the mail... Is anyone else out there having a problem finding gifts this year... I always look for the perfect things for people.. but this year I am having trouble finding much that I like (AND can afford...) Anyway if you have any original gift ideas let me know.

The dinner with my Dad went well... The best part is that I was able to get two big boxes of picture... all the childhood photo's of me and my brother. Now I need to categorize them and get them into boxes. What is the best way to do this??? I am thinking I will try organize them simply by approximate year... My main goal is to make an album for my Mom, my Dad, and my brother... and then store the pictures in nice boxes at my house instead of in my Dad's filthy garage under a bunch of other stuff. Not sure how I am going to do that since my Dad wants them back (why??? does the garage miss them???) ... but possession is 9/10 of the law... right??? Also... I am not sure whether to include pictures of my Dad in my Mom's album and vise versa... I don't mean like individual pictures but ones of us as a family... It just seems weird not to have at least a couple of family pics in the album... I mean we were a family for 25+ years... What do you think??? I can't really ask them since it is a surprise...

OK.. I have asked you a lot of questions today... get to answering!

thankful...

CD 11 - still getting LOWS on the monitor...

I have had a wonderful week home with Mr. D... We have spent our time decorating for the holidays and lounging around... On Thanksgiving morning my brother came over at 9 AM and we all watched the parade and I made breakfast..

The three of us spent Thanksgiving afternoon at the beautiful Gaylord Texan hotel buffet... it was peaceful.. I miss big family gatherings... no... let's say I miss my childhood big family gatherings... they wouldn't be the same now.. too many things have changed. Tomorrow I will have "Thanksgiving" with my Dad and his wife... Can you believe that my parents have been divorced 11 years and I still wish they were together? I just miss a "regular" family that did things on the actual holiday not on the weekend after... Oh well.. things change...

So.. yes I have been thankful this week... but just not feeling very talkative... So many good things happened this week... Mr. D. and I spent a lot of time together. And that is what makes me the most happy. So why do I feel so blah now? Is it anticipation of school on Monday? Or seeing step-mom tomorrow? I don't know. I just feel very disassociated with everything.. a little numb to my feelings... I think I am slipping into to the "it-is the-holidays-again-and-I-still don't-have-a-baby-and-oh-my-god-I-am-34-is-this-ever-going-to-happen-for-me" blues. I REALLY want to enjoy these holidays... I really don't want to feel sad and depressed all season... and I don't. I just feel numb.

I promise to be back next week with more cheerful stories... I really am feeling OK... (just a little blah...) but this post seems so melancholy... hmmm... nothing is wrong... I just feel... stuck.

Ta da...

I now present to you...

THE FLOORS!

(complete with baseboards!!!)

If anyone ever tells you that you can do pergo floors by yourself because "it's so easy"... Tell them to fuck off and hire a professional. (It was even hard for the friggin professionals!)

I am just starting to get used to the click-click-click of my pets running through the rooms... it is a big change from carpet... but I am loving them!

finally...

spotting...

cd 1.

cd 36...

Is there ANYTHING worse in ttc world than a BFN and a missing AF???

WTF???

This is cd 36 and still nothing.

It wouldn't be so bad but I have raging PMS... sort of the kind where you feel like you could SNAP and tear someones hair out just for looking at you crooked... my students really better walk on eggshells today... It is only 8:30 AM and I already know that I am not a woman in control of her emotions today... maybe I should've stayed in bed today.

On a better note... by the end of the day my floors should be complete and all the baseboards re-attached and caulked. Hopefully I'll have some pics up in the next day or two.

Pray that I bleed soon.
Thanks.

cd 35...

I broke down and tested this morning on cd 35... BFN.

I guess I am just waiting on AF to show... I know that I wasn't very positive about this month... because I really felt like we missed the PEAK... but it is still depressing to see that BFN.

Today I got back on the elliptical for the frst time in about a month... My goal is to work out every morning this week.

OK... that is it... I am going into my cave for a little while... I will be out as soon as I am not crying.

A birthday surprise...

What a nice birthday I had... If you have been reading this blog for any time at all you know that I have the world's best husband and that I am very spoiled! So... this year Mr. D' told me that we were going "lite" of birthday and Christmas because we just purchased all the Pergo flooring for our dining room and living room... (I didn't believe him...) But... as I suspected he went OVER THE TOP!

The loot!

*$$$ from Mom and a AAA membership for both cars which we needed... (remember our 2 flats on the way to Florida in the summer???

$$$ from Grandma in Florida

A Target gift certificate and a nice breakfast from my brother... and flowers!!!!

A wonderful dinner out to dinner with my inlaws

Some of my students put together a little surprise party for me (even though they had to store the cake in my office refrigerator so it wasn't REALLY a surprise)... but it was a very sweet gesture and we all enjoyed chocolate cake, cheese cake, and chocolates during 5th period!

A phone call from my Dad... that we would get together for my b-day "sometime"... well... at least he called....

And from Mr. D...........

On Sunday he gave me a 2 gift certificates for 2 massages!!! And I had an appointment for the first one that afternoon!

Then yesterday I got...

A beautiful Christmas Tree scented candle

The very cool Grey's Anatomy CD... man that show uses great music...

A bottle of red current oil for my lamp berger (sp?) These things are GREAT... they will make your whole house smell wonderful... I have a very small one and it is perfect to make my house smell great! Mine cost about $40 and the oil is $15 per bottle... BUT... it will end up being way less than a bunch of really good candles over time.

2 tops from New York and Company... a scarlet colored corset looking one and a traditional black button up with a nice collar and cuffs....

A GORGEOUS sweater that I really wanted for the holidays... It is a metallic brown color with small sequins around the neck... I plan to wear it on Saturday for M. D's parents 50th anniversary party.

And dinner out... I was feeling tired and wanted to wear jeans so we just went to the good old Red Lobster... it was so good and casual for a quick Monday night dinner...

BUT... THE REAL GIFT... When I got home there was a crew in my house professionally installing the pergo floors in the dining room!!!!! YAY!!! We don't have to learn how to do it ourselves and they look perfect!!! Mr. D. was a little disappointed because he wanted them to be finished before I came home... but I didn't mind... I liked seeing the process getting finished. We do still have to purchase, paint, and install new baseboards ourselves but the hard part is done! They crew will be back to do the living room next week. YAY my floors will be done by Thanksgiving!!! I will post pictures as soon as the baseboards are back up and finished!

So... my wonderful husband did it again... It always amazes me how wll he knows me and what extraordinary measures he goes to to surprise me. I love him so much.

I am on cd 29... but I have decided not to test this month... I don't have any symptoms and so I think I will just wait for AF to show or not to show and save the $$ for the hpt's... hopefully I will be so busy this week I will just not even be concerned about testing... Hopefully I will stay this strong... I really hate hpt's so I think this will be my new plan.

Thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes! You girls mean so much to me and I am so glad I found such a community of caring and supportive woman!!! I love you all!!!!!

Happy Birthday to me....

Today I turn 34.
I never really cared about getting older until trying to have a baby became such a problem. I actually like my 30's... I just don't like this tick tick tick... of my "advanced maternal age" as my doctor so nicely calls it. My goal was to have a baby in my armsby my 32nd birthday because that is the age my mom was when she had me... (and truth be told I always felt she was a little old... and wished that she acted like the younger mom's....) But today all I can do is look forward to the coming year... and try very hard not to lose hope.

So... except for the TTC thing... I feel pretty good about 34... In fact... I am doing pretty well on this list I found...

(By Anonymous)
By the time she's thirty, every woman should have:
1. One old boyfriend she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come.
2. Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or the man of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella she's not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth she's content to leave behind.
6. A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.
7. The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes her laugh, and one who lets her cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over her destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that do not get better after thirty.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By the time she's thirty, every woman should know:
1. How to fall in love without losing herself.
2. How she feels about having kids.
3. How to quit a job; break up with a man; and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder, and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what she would and wouldn't want to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party that she'd never chose to attend.
7. How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it.
8. That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
9. That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What she would and wouldn't do for love or money.
11. How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.
12. Who she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go, be it to her best friend's kitchen table, or a charming inn in the woods -- when her soul needs soothing.
14. What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at thirty.

Random Ketchup...

Halloween is over and it is still 78 degrees outside... I have never been so tired of wearing summery clothes! Is this global warming??? I never really understood that stuff.

All the Halloween stuff is going in to the attic today. It took 3 of those big orange tubs from Target to store it away.. and that doesn't count the fall and Thanksgiving stuff. It is hard to believe that in less than a month we will be putting up all of our Christmas things. Mr. D. and I usually decorate for Christmas the weekend before Thanksgiving... I know "but what about the Thanksgiving decorations??? Well... no one really comes to our home for Thanksgiving so we get a head start on Christmas! I love waking up on Thanksgiving morning and knowing that the Christmas season has begun! I love making a big breakfast and sitting bundled up on the sofa under the Christmas lights and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It is one of my favorite morning of the whole year.

As for the TTC stuff... I think this month is a wash. It is cd 23 and I just don't think I feel anything. I think we missed the big "O" but we will have to wait and see... I do have heaviness in my breasts and my face is reeeeeeally broken out... but that is probably just the "time of the month" and the weird weather we are having... my face feels so greasy... probably because it is hot during the day and then cold at night... that sort of weather always effects my skin.

Today I give my last two finals. I should get to go home at 1:00 pm!!!! YAY!!!! And I am off work tomorrow! I think there are so birthday plans being planned for me this weekend... but I am not allowed to know what or when.

Mr. D always does such nice things for me for my b-day. My b-day is on the 7th (Monday) but we will probably have a few days of birthday stuff since it is a long weekend off work for me. I love birthdays that last a whole weekend!!! Last year I was so sad because my two edd's were Nov. 5th and Jan 29th... All I cared about was getting through the holiday season... I was so upset around my birthday.... and Thanksgiving and Christmas were so sad and emotional for me that I actually had the feeling later that I missed Christmas. But this year I feel better... Most days I feel recovered from the losses although I do have some bad days... but I am looking forward to a nice holiday season this year.

OK... so that is the random ketchup for the day! I hope you have a great weekend?

Poll for the day... When do you put up your holiday decorations??? Am I crazy for doing it before Thanksgiving???