LOSING THE BABY WAIT...

Still here... still wonderful

2011-07-18T19:38:00.003-08:00

We are as happy as we have ever been. Just wanted to show you the joy.
xxoo!
Update... Had to add this pic!

This free slideshow design personalized with Smilebox

2010-11-18T04:21:00.002-09:00

Being her Mommy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The love is just overwhelming and I never knew it would be so... so... just all encompassing.

Mommyhood is also harder than I ever expected... I never quite understood the whole " it's a 24/7 job" thing. But it is. I fall into bed at 9pm after a 10 hour work day and then 3 hours before bed with my girl and I can't believe how bone tired I am... but in the morning when she smiles and reaches for me I am totally rejuvanated!

Whoops... Daddy just walked in with her... I gotta go!

xxoo!

Fall 2010

2010-09-30T04:30:00.004-08:00

Happy Fall Ya'll!

Still here and still loving being Finley's mommy! I can't tell you how happy we all are.. and how busy! No time for a long post... but I wanted to share a new pic!

Happy 4th of July!!!

2010-07-03T18:50:00.014-08:00

I never thought I would be a blogger that disappeared when her baby finally comes... but for some reason that is exactly what I did! Everything here has been so incredible and such a whirlwind that blogging has been the last thing on my mind. I will try to be brief and give you the highlights of the last three wonderful months...

March - Finley's birth experience was very easy on Jenn (her birthmom). The girl didn't even break a sweat during delivery! I was there and cut the cord and was the first person to hold Finn. Those first 48 hours (the waiting for the papers to be signed) were beautiful, sad, and very very personal... Finn, Mr. D, Jenn and I spent almost every moment together... The hospital gave Mr. D. and I a room of our very own and we had private time with the baby. I know I need to write about those 48 hours especially for Finley... but in many ways I am still processing everything... especially the grief of watching Jenn say goodbye to Finn. We are still in a very open adoption situation and have visited with Jenn 4 times since the birth... but those 48 hours are very much etched in my heart... and for now I think I will keep the details in our family.

April - Maternity leave was great... I honestly hardly remember those 6 weeks! People visited... and we cared for Finny Pie! Life was crazy and bare bones simple all at the same time. Breast feeding went really well... mostly because of the stockpile of milk in the freezer. I would nurse, or give a bottle and pump... She is a great eater! After about 6 weeks we went to 1/2 breast milk and 1/2 formula because I just couldn't keep up with her! And that is where we still are now. I pump 2 times a day and get about 10 ounces and then we mix with formula to supplement. I rarely nurse anymore... I was obsessed at the beginning with knowing that she was eating enough so I got very comfortable with pumping and bottle feeding. Every once in a while we will still nurse but more for comfort (both mine and hers). But feeding her has really gone well... especially since Mr. D is such a hands on Daddy.

May - May kind of melded in to April really. We eat, we sleep, we change diapers, and take baths... life is very uncomplicated and simple. I had to go back to school for 2 weeks after my 6 weeks of leave and that was strange because my focus was so pulled. But after school was out for the summer life has become one long maternity leave. I am amazed that after all of my "baby wait" the timing of her arrival was actually perfect and will allow both Mr. D. and me to be at home with her together for almost the first 5 months! In late May we traveled back to "small town 6 hours away" to visit and watch Jenn graduate from high school... it was a very proud moment for all of us to get to be there for that.

Finley is a great sleeper! After about 6 weeks she started waking up only 2 times a night for a quick change and feed then right back to bed. Now we put he in bed around 10... she wakes up at about 5 to eat and diaper... and then she will sleep until 9 or so. Believe me I know I sound like I am exaggerating what a good baby she is... but I am not! I really feel like God blessed us with a great baby who eats well, sleeps well, and hardly every fusses! I know that many many people have a hard time with their infants at this point... but Finn really is that good. We believe God granted us an easy good tempered baby because of all the wonderful prayers over these years (especially from all over the world with this blog!)

June - On June 18 we went back to "small town" for our adoption finalization in court. It was a joyous day and visit! Jenn was at a college visit the morning of the court hearing but we invited her grandmother and sister to attend the finalization with us. The actual moment in front of the judge when he legally declared Finley Elisse our daughter was amazing. We waited in town until Jenn got back and all had dinner together so she had another chance to see Finley. We are really happy that we decided on an open adoption and even though it can feel strange "sharing" your daughter... it can also feel like the best most noble thing you can do for your daughter. We are glad than Jenn will be in Finley's life and know that open adoption was the right choice for all of us. When we got back home we had a big finalization party with lots of family and friends!

So here we are in July... it is going by so fast! Tomorrow is the 4th and we will spend the day with family. Jenn and her sister came to visit yesterday and that was nice. I spend my days doting on my daughter and watching my husband become the most incredible father... He is such a natural! We are having a wonderful time being parents!

Sorry it has been so long since I posted... like I said, I never thought I would disappear for so long after she got here... but wow... parenthood changes a lot of things. I sort of feel part of a secret club now... even through the infertility and angst I had no idea how worth it it would all be at the end of the journey! And believe me she is worth every single tear.

Happy 4th everyone!

(I know the bow is over the top... but I had to celebrate the occasion and she'll grow into it! I had so much fun making it! And I promise that it is just for pictures... so please don't call cps!)

A few images.

2010-04-14T17:57:00.005-08:00

A picture is worth 1000 words...

Finally got a new lapyop... the last 3 weeks have been amazing! Will update soon!

xxoo!

Introducing...

2010-03-28T20:55:00.002-08:00

Finley Elisse

March 25, 2010

12:44 pm

6lbs 9oz

20 inches

Adoption paperwork signed March 27, 2010

Mommy , Daddy and Finn are all nesting.

SHE IS COMING EARLY!!!!!

2010-03-19T14:00:00.002-08:00

OH. MY. GOD.

She is coming early!!!!

Finley Elisse will be induced on MARCH 25!!!! That is just 5 days away!!!!!!!

omygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!

Out laptop is in the shop so I wont be able to update the blog like I hoped to... BUT... I set up a twitter... so if you want minute by minute updates of our trip, the labor and delivery, and the 48 waiting hours please follow our journey on Twitter - FinleyElisse

Got to run... I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!!!

Eeeekkkkkkk.... I can't believe this is actually about to happen!!!!!!

just a little to do list... probably not that interesting for reading... but a sanilty saver for me.

2010-03-13T18:49:00.005-09:00

Edited on Tuesday...
Edited on Sunday... more accomplished... more to do!
What we are doing to get ready...

Done...
-dress for shower (but I am not super sure I love it)
-luggage pulled out to pack grab and go bag
-bought 10 -bamboo and hemp gflappers for our trial at cloth diapering
-3 1/2 weeks of sub plans done.. 2 1/2 more weeks to go
-bought 3 new zip up hoodies, 2 t-shirts and 1 new pair of sweats for travel
-bought a new pair of chucks... I just really wanted some chucks
-practiced making pink cupcakes for shower (we are doing the cupcakes and our friends are doing everything else for the Cocktails & Cupcakes shower on the 21st)
- picked out a nice piece of jewelry with symbolic meaning to give birthmom... plus a matching one for me and one for later for Finley
- Cleaned out freezer of too old breastmilk
- Cleaned out both cars
- Cleaned out closet in the extra bedroom... so we have more storage room
-Took Truman to the groomers
- purchased 4 new tires for my car $475- yuck!!!
- got car inspected
- re-organized some of the baby drawers
- washed 1 load of baby stuff & folded
- 1 hot wash for the g-flappers
- updated baby website w/ pictures of new aquistitions
- installed car seat... but I think it is in funky... get it checked this week!
- cut up cotton flannel to make 20 cloth wipees.
- bought 72 swaddlers disposable diapers for $19... became convinced that we want to use cloth!
- called for a new (unexpired) collection kit from Viacord
-Picked up 2nd (unused) car seat base from friend
-Taught theatre kids how to do their own make up for competition
-Taught co-teacher how to tech the show without me
- Last minute touches on the set
- 1/2 packed my bag
- Talked birthmother in to packing her bag after a trip to the hospital on Sunday night and an injection to stop preterm labor contractions

To Do over spring break
- clean the entire house
- purchase a new pair of jeans
- wash gflapper inserts 3 more times to improve absorbency
- finish packing our grab and go bags
- pack Finn's grab bag
-take car to a certified car seat inspector
-Teach cat not to sleep in the crib... yeah right...
- get a hostess gift for shower hostess
- 2 1/2 more weeks of sub plans
- get sub arranged

So much to do... this is so fun and exciting and scary!!!

2 cm.

2010-03-10T17:45:00.003-09:00

Our birthmom went to her weekly visit today and she is 2cm dilated!!!! I know that people can stay dilated like that for a long time... but whoa... I was shocked!! We are at 35 weeks 4 days... but the doctor is expecting her to go early...

I have so much to do. I am in panic mode.

We have scheduled 2 baby showers one for the 21st and one for the 26th... we are scheduled for an update on our home study on the 20th. My biggest show of the year opens on the 24th... Plus working about 50 hours a week until Finley's arrival.

Plus... I am having major allergy issues... How can a nose be totally stuffed up and yet be trickling snot??? I feel as if the mucus monster from the commercials has moved his whole mucus family in to my chest.

Next week is spring break... so I am hoping that we can have that time to pull everything together... but if not... we will fly by the seat of our pants! Woo hoo!

Please tell me what I can do to prepare myself... I need a get ready list or something.

Things that wake me up in the middle of the night...

2010-03-01T17:57:00.004-09:00

Stupid Things I Worry About...

Besides the obvious possible complications and stress in the adoption process, here are the pointless things I am losing sleep over...

1. Not having "things" ready for baby Finn... I have a car seat and lots of clothes... enough diapers for several days... but I am waking up in the middle of the night over things I don't have... an ear thermometer... enough wipes... a crib mattress pad... baby gas drops... and a million other things that are causing me heart palpitations....

2. My unfinished knitted baby blanket... I probably just need to "let it go" or flipping get crackin' on this one!

3. My sub plans for the 6 weeks of maternity leave. I am very stressed about "leaving" my students... I know that this is just a "let go" type of thing... but it is so hard. I loooove my co-teacher and I don't want her to have to do any extra work to make up for my absence. I am planning to go up to school to check in couple of times a week... but I just don't want to leave anyone in the lurch.

4. My obsession with choosing the right diaper. We are planning to use g-diapers and then we are at least going to try cloth inserts with the g-diapers when we are at home. And that means a whole new vocabulary... gflappers, prefolds, hemp/fleece doublers, gcloths... so many things... so much to figure out. In case anyone know what I am talking about... I think I am leaning toward the gflappers...

5. The MAJOR competition my students go to on March 24th... this is the biggest competition of the year and we have to be prepared for me not to be there! In fact... Jenn (our lovely birthmom who has given me permission to give her a name) thinks that she is going to deliver early... in fact she predicts that very week!!! So this is another time I am going to have to rely on my super woman co-teacher to get them to the contest and know that she will be able to handle it all! Can you tell I am a control freak??? especially about my job...

6. Not having the car seat installed in the car... by the firechief so we know it is perfectly safe.

7. Not having our bags packed so that we can run in the house grab the bags and head to Lubbock! I really thought about packing my bag this weekend... And then I thought maybe I had lost my mind...

As I list these things they do seem silly and nothing to have panic attacks about... I know that everything is going to work out fine and that everything will get done... and I am working hard to make sure that I do everything I can to have everything organized and ready when I have to leave work. And realistically Mr. D. and I know none of these things matter.. the ONLY thing that matters is getting that little one home and getting to be her Mommy and Daddy!!!

Jenn and I correspond every few days and we talked on the phone for 90 minutes the other night... she is truly a blessing in our lives and we can't wait to share our lives with her. We could not have asked for a birthmother more perfectly matched for us.

I have found some baby products that I am super interested in... check them out and let me know what you think I "need"! I don't have any of these goodies yet... but they are on my dream baby gift list... do you have products that you can't live without??? Let me know about them.

Soft Spot Mat
Nap Nanny
Gdiapers
Gflappers
Baby K'tan Sling
Bum Genius Diaper Sprayer

Please keep us all in your prayers over the next 6 weeks (WHAT 6 WEEKS????) And also please pray that I get some sleep while I still can!!!

The details I promised

2010-02-23T05:13:00.004-09:00

Everything is good. Everything is moving along perfectly... I know I promised details but for some reason I am feeling very protective of the details of our meeting with our birthmother. It is such an emotional story and for the past 2 weeks I have just been a bit overwhelmed with the details... especially the details about her. During the meeting there were defiantly things that we all thought of as a "sign" that this is the placement we have all been waiting for... there were several jaw dropping moments including the moment when she asked us what we were planning to name the baby. I was a little reluctant to tell her since I felt like there had to be a name that she was calling the baby in her womb (even secretly). But when I told her that the name that we had chosen was Finley Elisse her eyes opened wide and filled with tears... Elise was the name she had been calling the baby. (chills and tears even thinking about it now.)

I am feeling very protecting of the young woman who will be our birthmother. The adoption will be very open. With photos, letters, and visits. This birthmother is a wonderful person that we feel very comfortable having in our lives. She is a teenager with a very hard home life and aspirations to go to college and make her life better. Her one goal in life is to get out of her house and make a life for herself. She takes advanced placement classes and plays the cello on a state recognized level. She is pretty, sweet, and well spoken. We correspond by email and on the phone. Her biggest fear right now is that her water will break in class...

Finley is doing well. She is the size of a pineapple right now... 4.9 pounds as of last Friday. Her abdomen is measuring small (in the 17th percentile) which is a little bit to be concerned about.... but the doctor says even though it is small it is still "normal". Heartbeat was 155 and everything look great. I have seen sonograms and now have them on my phone to show anyone who will look at them...

Birthmom has asked me to be in the delivery room. I am freaking out a little. I know that this will be a totally emotional time and I am so afraid of being in the way. I am also scared beyond words of the 48 hours that follow delivery... these are the 48 hours where birthmom (I have GOT to think of a sweet anonymous name for her for this blog) can change her mind. Right now she is as solid as a person can be... she is looking forward to graduation, moving out and starting college (she has been accepted to a nice big university away from home)... but I am sooo frightened of that 48 hours because I am so attached already... please continue to pray for strength, courage, wisdom and peace for all of us involved.

Right now my "real life' is filled with major projects at work (only our biggest show of the year that opens 2 weeks before the due date) and trying to make sub plans for the last 6 weeks of school. I have a feeling the next 7 weeks are going to fly by... and at the same time be the longest 7 weeks of our lives.

Thank you all so much for your words of support... I have read your comments each day ad they help me as I move into these uncharted waters!

prayers answered!

2010-02-06T16:37:00.001-09:00

It is as official as it can be in the adoption world...

Finley Elisse is due on April 10!!!

Details to come later...

please continue to pray... a lot can happen in the next 2 months...

We are thrilled beyond words!

RED ALERT!!!! #2... (aka: Oh my God... this could happen)!

2010-02-02T19:03:00.004-09:00

Mr. D. and I will be driving to "small town five hours away" on Friday night to meet birthmom in person at 10 AM on Saturday morning.

WHAT??? Yep... it is true...

I am FREAKING OUT!

So this is not at all how my agency usually works... but two things have lined up... We expressed an interest in open adoption and this birthmom liked our bio and specifically asked if we were willing to meet her and willing to be open. So of course we said yes!

I spoke with birthmom on the phone while she was at the agency today... sounded sweet... bad home life... feels her home environment/ family situation is not healthy for a child, has aspirations to attend college in the fall and to become a nurse. I stumbled so much when I talked to her... I was so nervous and scared that she wouldn't like me. M (the adoption attorney) later told me that I did fine and that birthmom seemed happy with the conversation. I am just glad that she still wants to meet me after our awkward conversation.

Here is what we know... birthmom is 18, Caucasian, brown hair, blue eyes, 5'6" and due April 10. She has had prenatal care and had an adoption plan set up with another family (not with my agency) and it suddenly fell through (apparently the adoptive dad decided that he was to old for an infant). Birthfather is unknown.

We will leave here on Friday after school to head to "small town 5 hours away". We are planning to stay the night in town and then meet at the agency at 10 AM. Please pray that if this is the child God has planned for us that doors will open quickly and easily and if not those doors would shut. I am praying for clarity more than ever before... and strength... and courage.. and peace.

Red Alert!!!!

2010-02-02T05:07:00.003-09:00

got this email today... at 2:30 am

Guys, I got a call tonight from a birth mother who saw y'all on our website. She is expecting a girl. She is supposed to come in at 1:30 . She says she is due on April 10th. I don't know anything about her yet and she may be completely unsuitable and she might not show up. But, if she does I wanted to find out from y'all if you would be willing to schedule a conference call with her in the future. Please dont get your hopes up but let me know as soon as possible.

Time to pray like we have never prayed before.

AND... especially pray that I am able to control my hopes...

I feel nauseous...

Finally.. some good news...

2010-01-24T07:31:00.003-09:00

For the first time in 22 months I got an unsolicited email from my agency. I have had plenty of correspondence with them over the wait... but this was the first that showed up unexpectedly in my inbox...

Here it is word for word...

"OK guys... #1 on the list's birthmother is due Feb 23. #2 on the list is on their way to the hospital because we think we have a placement for them. Soooooo assuming all goes well, ya'll should be #1 by the end of Feb. Keep praying."

Please keep praying!!! We may be getting very close! Please pray specifically that the right birth family for us will find their way to our agency and that as we move "up the list" the perfect situation for all families involved will present itself clearly to all of us.

Sex Talk...

2010-01-17T15:49:00.005-09:00

This weekend we attended an adoption seminar that was really wonderful! The workshop was about talking to your children about sex... and although we are several years away I jumped at the opportunity to see the speaker and take notes for when the time comes.

The workshop is called Sooner Than You Think and the speaker was Mary Flo Ridley. She has been talking to parents about having "the talk" with kids for years and has a dvd series called Simple Truths. But this was her first time to speak to an audience of adoptive / foster parents and though the message was much the same there were some really helpful things to think about sex from a perspective of adoption.

Some of differences between talking to bio kids and adopted kids that we discussed were things like the following...

1. It is suggested that you must start talking with children with to two things... a clear message about your family's values about sex and a basic biology of how this all works. For little children one of the first things you teach is that babies grow in Mommy's tummy... right? But then explaining that not all mommys are able to grow babies in their tummy (helllloooo infertility...) brings in the opportunity to not only talk about reproductions but about the idea that families are created in many different ways... and that can tie in with learning more about birthparents.
2. In the middle years the talk about sex for families of adoption can include talks about infertility... because kids will have questions... they may understand the mechanics the way they are designed to work... but what happens when you want to be a parent but the body doesn't work? Not every seed in the package sprouts into a flower... so although infertility may not be something discussed in most homes with the sex talks... with adopted kids it may come into the conversation.
3. Just pre-puberty we may continue to discuss our values in relationship to sex... this is the whole "don't you even think of doing it" part. However... in an adoption situation you may have to be careful in the way you word things... Telling a child it is morally wrong to have sex before marriage can, in the child's eyes, become a slam on birth parents who didn't wait... A discussion on the importance of using birth control if you do have sex may become, in a child's mind, a hard thing to hear because they are perhaps alive and well because someone didn't use birth control... So as you can see she brought up some very interesting points that I had not ever though of... and I am glad to start thinking about them now... way before I have to answer the questions.
4. In the teen years you may have to have a conversation about un-consensual sex... especially if you are trying to remain "transparent" about your child's conception and that is a part of their adoption story.

Remember this is only bullet points of the adoption/ foster portion of the workshop... there was so much more! I am so glad to have gone. And although her dvd series is not adoption based you may want to look into it... and who knows maybe this workshop will develop into a book about specifically talking to adopted kids about sex.

Oh yes... and when she was asked "at what age do you need to talk to you kids about sex" this is what she said.. " Take the youngest age you might think you should start talking... subtract 3 years.. and you will be about a year late!"

Weekend wrap-up

2010-01-12T17:21:00.004-09:00

I had a really wonderful weekend. On Saturday I met up for a mini-reunion with some girls I used to work with when I worked as a singer/dancer in an amusement park after high school and throughout college. It was the perfect job for a young theatre major and I spent so much time on stage and in dressing rooms with these girls! So anyway... it was sort of like getting together with you old sorority sisters and talking about the inside jokes and crazy things you did... only we did it all in front of audiences! We had a wonderful lunch at a tea room and sat for hours catching up.

Saturday night I decided to back my nephew, X-Man, a birthday cake from scratch for his 5th birthday. I decided that learning to bake a 3 layer chocolate cake from scratch was going to be on my "to learn to do" for the new year... so this was a perfect way to practice my baking. This was my first cake from scratch and it took 3 hours! But it was wonderful and everyone was impressed. It was a 2 layer strawberry cake with cream cheese frosting... I even pureed the strawberries and strained the seeds (which is pretty time consuming) all by myself! Mr. D. even had two slices when we ate it at X-man's makeshift b-day party at my house the next evening! X-man took one look at it and declared that he doesn't like strawberry cake anymore (lol!) even though he requested it just the night before! Oh well... my brother and my SIL also liked it... and X-man totally enjoyed the ice cream with rainbow sprinkles that were next to the cake!

Sunday we slept in a little then headed out to Big D for some shopping and lunch at our favorite Mediterranean place. Then we decided to check out the Holocaust Museum because I am currently directing a play about a concentration camp during this time. This was my favorite thing we did all weekend... Mainly because I had the opportunity to meet Mike the founder of the museum and a survivor. Mike showed me around part of the museum and we chatted for quiet a while. He told me part of his story and showed me the numbers tattooed on his arm... I purchased the book he wrote about his 4 years in the camps and autographed it for me. I was so honored to stand and talk with Mike.... and to hear him tell his story and it reminded me of the power of the human spirit. It reassured me that no matter what hardships you face in life that you can overcome even the most devastating tragedies. I have already finished Mike's book... I read it cover to cover in less than 24 hours... I just feel so heavy with the responsibility of portraying the play I am directing accurately and truthfully and I really feel passionately about this new project. I can't wait to take the entire cast back to the city to meet Mike and have them hear his story too. I just can not say enough about the spirit of this amazing man.

Sunday night after the little b-day party I fell asleep in our big recliner at about 7:30 pm... The next thing I knew Mr. D. was telling me that he had run me a bath for me. I went into our bathroom and he had filled the room with lit candles (Sunday night Finn ritual!). I had a wonderful bubble bath waiting for me... with towels layed out, my new robe hanging by the tub, my latest O magazine on the chair, a big glass of water (and a shot of Gentleman Jack!) on the edge of the tub, and he even had my favorite Sunday night guilty pleasure on the TV (Desperate Housewives... ugghh... I know...)! I felt so pampered and loved! He is always doing things like that for me.. I just can't tell you what a great man he is... I don't know what I ever did to deserve such an incredible husband... and as I slipped into the bubbles I told him... "I am so blogging about this..."

It was just such a great (and busy) weekend. It was really nice to have such great moments with my friends and husband. And since a lot of this blog is dedicated to me sorting out my problems and whining about my everyday pains and issues, I also wanted you to know that we do have very happy times and appreciate all that we have been blessed with in this life.

Playing Dress up in my Mind

2010-01-06T18:49:00.007-09:00

I have to show this dream outfit... Here is my fantasy outfit: She is 4 or 5 on a sunny day in April at the church Easter Egg Hunt...
I can't wait to shop for Finley... and with Finley! I mean most of you know that I am already shopping for her like crazy...but I am actually trying to show restraint... I mean... When you are 22 months into the "paper pregnancy" sometimes the shopping and dreaming about your little bundle really gets you through the hard times.

A dear friend introduced me to the Chasing Fireflies catalogue and at that moment I knew I was in deep deep trouble. I loooove these clothes... I imagine Finn in them! And... of course... I can't afford them!!! I mean it is like couture for little girls... but I loooove looking at the catalogue and pretending I have money to blow on $37 sock and $170+ play outfits... then I go to Target...

But I really think I might swoon if I ever see my little Finn came running through the green grass in this outfit... and I can't wait to stand over the kitchen sink scrubbing the strawberry ice cream stains out of it!

Sunday Night Ritual

2010-01-03T19:03:00.003-09:00

Do you realize all this drama has lasted 3 weeks plus? Who would have guessed that my "Still #3" post to vent about my frustration during this process would lead to people all over yelling at me and each other. I realize now that I have so very loyal friends out there who really care about my story and that has been the best thing to come out of all of this messy "conversation". Thank you to those of you who have added constructively and respectfully to the dialogue... I have really taken all of your comments, thoughts, and stories to heart.

And to those of you who have been reading for a long time thank you for posting... I really had no clue that more than 5 or 6 people were out there following. It feels good to know that there is a collective energy out there that is hoping, wishing, and praying for our daughter to find her way to us... and I just wanted to tel you how much I appreciate knowing that you are out there sending that positive energy our way.

Every Sunday night for the past several weeks Mr. D. and I light a candle for Finley Elisse and pray that angels will light her way into our arms. We started doing it when we got the bad news from our agency that we were "still #3" and that our wait would be longer than we ever expected. I would like to invite any of you out there who would like to join us to light a candle, where ever you are in the world, as a collective prayer for our daughter Finley Elisse and her birthparents and ask that God will bring them into our lives soon.

Goodnight.

2009-12-30T17:11:00.005-09:00

Now... to add to the fact that I am a horrible person for adopting in the first place I am now even worse for actually naming our baby before she arrives...

Are you kidding me? So this is another thing that I am supposed to "not do" since I will not be the biological mother of this child. I am "erasing" her true identity... I am "running out to the BabyMart" to pick out a baby that fits my needs... And by specifying a preference toward a girl (who will most likely be our only child) I am less sensitive, less humane, less of a mother...

I have done all that I know to do... I do not agree with those of you who have appeared on this blog (thanks to "Myst" and her previous blog post about what a horrible person I am) to question my decisions to become a mother. I have tried to explain myself... to plead my case... to show you into my heart and let you now that no matter how screwed up the system is that I am one of the "good guys" who actually care about the birthmothers feelings, rights and emotional well being... but some of you are so bitter, so jaded and so hurt that you can't see that even in a flawed system there can be good decent trustworthy people with good intentions and values.

The fact is.. as many people in my corner have said... that there are children being placed for adoption everyday... there are people in this world who should not or can not parent a child... and I am willing to stand in that gap. To parent a child that I did not birth. To give a home to an infant who otherwise may not have a safe, warm and loving place to grow up.

So even though there is "no such thing as a reputable adoption agency" I am signed with one that I feel is doing the best they can in difficult situations... That has been the story of my life for the past 7 years "doing the best I can in a difficult situation."

I vant to be left alone...

2009-12-18T18:34:00.003-09:00

To quote Ms. Garbo.. "I vant to be left alone..."

I know many of you are new to my blog (ie... the ones who have come over to yell at me because my blog link was posted on another blog and you were encouraged to come over and call me names..)but I really would like you to go now... I get it that you all think I am a terrible person because I want to be a parent.. I understand that you feel that I am out to steal another woman's baby.. that I feel "entitled" and that I am almost criminal for wanting to have a child to raise... but what you don't understand is that I believe in adoption... I think it is another way to build a family... I believe that there is a baby out that that God has chosen to bring into our family through adoption. I will love this baby and raise her to be a good person. I will make sure that this child will have a good home, a stable home, a loving and safe home...

I feel like I have been attacked and I know I can't change any of your minds. But I don't think adoption is evil... and I know my husband and I are not evil people for wanting to raise a child. I have always wanted to be a mother... I have spent the last thirteen years as a teacher... and I know that despite being unable to conceive, I am supposed to parent a child.

I know there is nothing I can do to change the minds of the people who have posted here... many of you have been hurt by adoption and I can only say that I am sorry that you have been hurt...

But this is about my family... and I have done everything that I can to try to be prepared to raise an adoption child. And I am going to be an adoptive mother... so instead of the blastings, why don't you try to tell me what I can do (besides not adopt or to adopt from foster care... both of which are not options for me) to be more prepared to raise a child who for whatever reason... has been relinquished for adoption...

After 6 years of infertility treatments... and grief counseling to deal with the loss of two pregnancies... we began to explore adoption.

We took a year to interview agencies and go to meetings to decide what type of adoption was best for us.

We have chosen to adopt an infant domestically... we asked to be matched with a baby girl.

We chose an agency who we felt was very reputable. They are a tiny agency and they do things differently than many agencies... They match couples to the birthmother. The birthmother does not "pick" parents for the child... instead the agency matches you (sort of like international adoption).

We will not meet the birthmother before placement. This is to protect the birthmother from having a prospective adoptive mother in her life talking he into things she doesn't feel comfortable with. We won't be there to buy her gifts, to go to her doctors appointments, or in the room when she gives birth.

When our birthmom signs her paperwork she will only know that she is placing her baby in a safe and loving home that has been through a rigorous interview and background check. If she chooses to change her mind she is free to do so... without knowing that we are in the other room... there will be no guilt related to "letting us down" or "breaking a promise" to us. When she signs the papers she will have every opportunity to change her mind.

All of this is the main reasons that we chose this agency... because it protects the birthmother from feeling pressured... and we liked that.

After the papers are signed we will get a call. We have let our agency know that we are happy to meet with the birthmother if she chooses. I would actually prefer that... but it will be entirely up to her. Once the baby comes home with us the adoption will be closed for one year... we will send updates to the agency during that time for the birthmom to have if she chooses but there will be no contact with us. After the year we will have a mediated adoption which means that we will have contact through our adoption attorney. Whatever relationship both parties agree on is what we will have... and we have already made it clear that we would like to stay in contact with our birthmother... but again... that will be up to her.

In addition to being very careful about choosing our agency we have also done a lot of research in to raising adopted children... We have attended 2 adoption conferences featuring some of the countries most renowned adoption expects, we have attended an adult adoptee panel where we listened to the feelings these adopted people had growing up. We have read various books about both adoption and parenting, watched dvds, taken baby classes and cpr, and basically outfitted a nursery with everything we could to try to make the little ones transition more comfortable. We have dedicated the last 2 years to planning and preparing for this child. Everyday, I plan and think and pray for this child... and I hope and think and pray for her birthmother.

We have arranged for her care, planned to bank her cord blood (if her birthmother consents), purchase her car seat, interview her pediatrician, and I have undergone protocol so I can provide her with my own breastmilk... and I have pumped since April... because we thought that she would be here in early summer.

I know I will never be this child's biological mother... that there will be a loss in her life... that there will be hardships that we have to overcome. But I look forward to it all.. every single moment. I want to be there for this child for the rest of my life.. to love her, raise her and teach her... I recognize that there is sadness in this process... and I hate that... but that doesn't mean that I will not be able to love this baby as if she came from my womb. She will know that she is adopted and have (age appropriate) access all the information that her birthmother choses to share with us. I will be there when it is time to reunite with her birthmom and I will support that reunion.

Honestly, I am trying... I am sympathetic to the needs of all of you with hard, horrible, heartbreaking stories... but I am still going to parent. And this child... our daughter, Finley Elisse, will be the most cherished thing our lives.

Oh for God's sake...

2009-12-12T06:08:00.003-09:00

Wow... My last post generated a lot of hostility... Since most of you have never posted before I will assume that my blog was the topic of a message board somewhere and the link was passed around... There seemed to be a bit of mob mentality there...

Here are my thoughts...

Clearly (if you read the post... ) the people I called selfish are the people who find it easier to have an abortion than to place their baby for adoption... not people who opt to parent their children.

I still say the CPS system sucks and that people should not be able to abuse their children and keep them until they have damaged them so severely that recovery is almost impossible.

Cracked out people should lose their right to parent (see above comment)

Choosing to parent a child you can not afford is not a problem to me... it is just an unfortunate fact. This week alone I have fed three high school students pb&j for lunch and an afternoon snack at school because their parents can not afford for them to eat breakfast or dinner. This is the comment about the economy... it is just a fact. I am sure that their parents love them. None of these posts were questioning love... they were questioning the ability to provide for a child .

About the Grandparents... I can not imagine that the pain of being adopted into a loving family is any greater than being abandoned by your parents to be raised by grandparents. In fact... I would say it is probably very similar. I have many students who have zero contact with their parents because they have started "new families"... are in jail... or have just disappeared... And many (not all) are being raised by grandparents who resent the fact that they have to raise another child. This is a good time to remind people that my post was about reasons why adoptions have slowed... and this is a reason (right or wrong) that people are not placing their children for adoption. Did I ever say that no child should ever be raised by grandparents? No... I did not.

And finally the biggie... children raising children. When I wrote this post I was thinking of a few cases in my mind from my very own personal experiences with teens... #1 the 13 year old at my school who is expecting twins, #2 the pregnant 15 year old whose parents have kicked her out who now lives with her abusive 17 year old boyfriend and his alcoholic mom, #3 the pregnant 17 year old who is pregnant for the second time and already has a 16 month old at home, #4 the 20 year old who came to me last night and announced that she is 26 weeks pregnant and has not seen a doctor, lives with mom (who takes younger brother aderol (sp?) and says "I don't know... I guess I'll just keep it." And #5 the 14 year old... who is keeping her baby... to raise with her 30 year old mother who works at Walgreens part time... and the baby's father is... mom's husband.

Many of these girls are starved for attention... which is probably a factor in why they are pregnant now... They love the attention they get at school from the other girls when they pass around the sonogram or invite people to their babyshower... Last year I even had a student bring her 3 day old baby up to school to show the class... during the swine flu outbreak... and her grandmother drove her there and waited in the car for her... Maybe it is offensive to me to say... but these are not people who are going to make sound parenting choices... watch the new show Teen Mom on MTV... it is heartbreaking.

These are real life teenagers... who are about to parent children. Again... I did not say that every pregnant teen should not parent... but seriously... can you not step back and wonder if any of these girls should maybe consider adoption??? There are plenty of other pregnant teens who "maybe" could be ready to parent... but can you not see that adoption is a needed alternative?

I have read The Primal Wound... I understand... but there are, in my humble opinion, bigger mistakes that you can make with your child than placing them for adoption... bigger wounds... more hurtful than being selfless enough to want them to have a better life than you can provide.

And for those of you that suggest that I was callous to birthmothers... you are wrong. I have the most respect in the world for a woman who is able to put her baby's needs above her own feelings. I do not see birthmothers as a commodity... I see them as brave women who are making a decision that is well beyond the sacrifice most of us will ever make. I think they should be honored and celebrated... not forced into a life of shame by people who feel that the biological bound is the most important link to raising a child... and who treat these women as criminals for opting not to parent.

So to those of you who felt that you needed to reprimand my feelings on my blog maybe this explains my heart to you a bit more. Not that I owe any of you an explanation... this is my journey, my pain, and my blog... if you don't like what I write about then click to another page. On this blog I will continue to post my feelings as a way to vent and express what I am going through on my personal journey.

I am sorry to offend so many of you... but I would like to suggest a few things:
1. read the entire post... all the words... before you snap to judgement
2. Remember that just as my baggage clouds my opinion so does yours...
3. know that I am not really looking for your approval.
4. Try to have compassion... you don't even know me.
5. If all else fails... fuck off.

Still #3

2009-12-08T04:41:00.003-09:00

We are still number three on our adoption agency list. That means that they have not successfully placed a domestic infant in over 4 months.

This is hard news.

But... before everyone gets up in arms I have to say we still believe in this particular agency. We have rechecked their accreditation and our attorneys license and everything is in order. There are just circumstances beyond their control that are happening and they assure me that it is happening with domestic adoptions all over the state. Let's discuss the possible reasons that people are not giving up babies...

#1 - The bad economy - people may actually be keeping babies that they can not afford to get the extra state support. This shocked me because I thought in hard economic times people would be more likely to relinquish a child they can not afford. But when you think about it it sort of makes sense.

#2 - Abortions - Maybe more people who can't afford a baby are choosing to terminate the pregnancy. Especially working women who can not afford to lose time off the job or to care for a child and pay for childcare.

#3 - It is totally acceptable for teenagers to have babies. Trust me I work in a high school... I now a little about his one... Thanks to young starlets like Jamie Lynn Spears it is acceptable, almost fashionable, to have a baby when you are a teen. There is no stigma. Pregnant teens walk around school in maternity shirts with "Baby Mama" printed on them and pass out there sonograms and baby shower invites in class. It is a way to get attention from all the girls who flock to hear news of the latest doctor visit... We have programs at school to help these girls pay for their expenses, to help them with childcare, and to help them finish high school... that sounds great right? But these services all disappear when the mother graduates... so then what?

#4 - Grandparents are totally willing to raise their children's children. Not just the above mentioned type of girls but even the most cracked out mothers usually have a long suffering mother who is willing to raise their children. Parents who made poor parenting decisions with their children are not getting a second chance to raise their grandchildren. Parents float in and out of the child's life while the aging grandparents try to stretch the social security check to pay for tennis shoes and school supplies.

5. The CPS system sucks. It takes a lot for a child to be taken away from a parent in our country. Even the mother who gives birth to a meth baby has the chance to clean up and start over with her baby after only a few months of sobriety. This is why there are so many sibling groups in foster care... women can't care for the baby they have and then find themselves pregnant a few more times... finally when the kids are older they realize (or CPS realizes) they just can't handle the children and put them in the foster system... but only after the children have been so abused, so neglected, and have so much mistrust of adults that they have trouble finding homes for these kids.

6. Adoption is the hardest option. Many people are to selfish to consider adoption for their child. It is to hard... it comes with pain and consequence for poor judgement. No one gives you a party when you choose to place your baby for adoption. No one celebrates the selfless decision being made. Many people feel it is easier to terminate the pregnancy and "be done with it" than it is to give that child a chance at a good life because it requires the birth mother to suffer the grief of losing her baby...

7. My small agency has had 3 fraudulent birth mothers in the last 2 months... one of which may not have really been pregnant at all. Imagine that. There are women out there that have no intention of placing their baby for adoption but want to try to scam the agency out of services and money while they are pregnant.

I have a friend who just adopted a baby privately. She is wealthy and pulled out all the stops t get an infant fast. She paid just under $70,000 for this baby and "birth mother expenses" and when the baby was born there was meth in her system and the ethnicity was different than expected (meaning the birth mother doesn't know who the father was).
My friend is happy and in love with her baby... but the cost is over 3 times what we could pay... she got her baby in 6 months... but that is what money can do. That is why I want to punch people who say thing like "I don't want to have another baby because I got so fat! So we are just going to adopt". Adoption is HARD people! If you have ever told someone to "just adopt" you should apologize to them.. and bake them some cupcakes... because you are lucky they didn't clock you.

So I would love to hear you opinions and words of wisdom...
But just so you know..

Yes... we are sure this agency is for real and not a scam.
Yes... this is the right agency for us.
Yes... we are sure that we want to request a girl.

Please continue to pray for us and Finley... this is the hardest thing we have ever done and we appreciate your support and prayers for us, our baby and our adoption agency.

Irony: a definition

2009-10-31T16:34:00.004-08:00

If a picture is worth 1000 words... this one might deserve 2000.

What is going on with your adoption????

2009-10-25T16:17:00.001-08:00

What is going on with you adoption???

That is the question that breaks my heart every time I heard it. The main reason is because the answer is painful... "we are still waiting". Why are we still waiting? What is taking so long? The simple fact is that our agency is having a very hard time connecting with birthmoms. I have no answer for why or why this has changed so drastically from when we signed with them almost 18 months ago... but it has. And it is all the things you would imagine it being... frustrating... devastating... and plain old hard.

We don't get a ton of communication from our agency... which is ok... I just don't have new answers for the friends and loved ones who ask the hard questions on a weekly basis... In fact.. as far as I know nothing has changed since I called and had a major meltdown on the phone with our adoption attorney back in early August... but we have to hold on to faith and know that God will bring Finn in to our lives when it is time.

Our agency sent out a brief letter to the "waiting families" a week ago... It was hard news to take... here is a little part that I feel comfortable sharing...

As most of you are aware, at (name of agency), we have seen a dramatic decline in the number of women placing children for adoption. We have tried many avenues to increase our visibility and improve our outreach to women in need. As a part of those efforts, we have hired a retired nurse to do outreach with local medical professionals. We have also revamped our outreach materials, and we have purchased strategic bill board advertising to reach women facing unplanned pregnancy. We are also in the process of seeking a contract which will allow (name of agency) to hire up to ten new pregnancy counselors throughout West-Texas -- increasing both our visibility and our services. While It is too early to know what effects our efforts will have, we are very optimistic.

As you can probably imagine.. this news is hard to to hear. We know that we are high up on the list at the agency... but news like this can throw me into a tailspin. They are trying... and we believe that... but it doesn't always help to know. This is the agency that when we signed with them 18 months ago had never had any couple wait over 12 months for a baby... and that was the truth... but the game has changed now and we are trying to adjust to the new situation.
All this to say... if you are one of our dear friends of family members who feel "out of the loop" please don't... it is just that things are moving very slowly right now and during the wait Mr. D. and I have good days and bad days. We don't want you to stop asking questions... just understand when we say with a sigh "we're are still waiting" we really are telling you everything we know.

Thank you all for walking this journey with us. Please continue to pray for Finley Elisse and our family.

fuck this.

2009-10-05T17:19:00.005-08:00

I used to blog when I needed to get things off my chest... so here goes...

REASONS I AM UNREASONABLY ANGRY

1. My adoption that was supposed to take about a year is now in its 17 month. This is making my life so friggin out of control right now and I am really having a hard time dealing with all of this... for realz...

2. My mother fucking weight... I am gaining like crazy and I go from hating myself and working my ass off at the gym to saying I don't give a mother fucking fuck and eating a goddamn candy bar at 2 in the afternoon... sometimes in the same day.

3. My job... I hate it right now... but I really blame #1 for this since it is so hard to give a friggin rats ass about anything when you are waiting for an adoption.

4. My skin... why am I broken out like a teen right now??? It really bites to have wrinkles and acne!

5. The fucking swine flu... EVERYONE at school is coughing and disgusting and I hate being around sick people... especially sick teenagers who refuse to stay home because they don't want to lose their exam exemptions.

6. My breast pump... I am very angry at having to have my boobs pinched and pulled each day for no reason. I am sick of it! And they are huge.. and not in a good way.

7. Holidays... I am coming up to another holiday season and I don't have a baby. That fucking pisses me off. FUCK.

8. People who keep asking me "where is your baby???" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW... OK??? And every time you ask me that it is like you are stabbing me in the gut.

9. Feeling depressed... I want to spend all my free time eating or sleeping. I don't want to see people for all the reasons above (weight... zits... and talking... etc...) I just feel like hibernating.

10. My Dad... Sometime after marrying the worst woman in the world 10 years ago he became a total doucebag. And I really miss having my old dad. And after 10+ years of trying to put up with his wife... well... she is a horrible, despicable person... and I just can't say anything nice about her. And she took away my dad.

11. The guilt I feel for being angry.... I have sooo much to be thankful for... my amazing husband... my beautiful home... my great job... my sweet pets... the normal people in our families... and my (someday) baby girl.... But right now I just want to scream that I have had enough of all this and it is HARD to see the damn light at the end of the tunnel.

I am tired of thinking positive... I am obviously not good at it.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

I am sure I will be ok tomorrow.

Oh... more shocking news... I am about to start my period.

My stress level is so high right now I feel like I could explode.

FUCK ALL OF THIS!!!!!

Thanks for listening.

Yeah...

2009-10-01T17:31:00.001-08:00

So...
Pumping for 5 months straight with no baby...

... pretty much sucks.

Where have I been???

2009-09-13T15:39:00.003-08:00

Three Months...
Since I started this blog I have never gone so long without posting. I guess it is just so hard to come here day after day with virtually no news. I think I will just post a quick "things I liked" and "things that need to improve" post like I have my students do after they watch a performance...

Things I liked
Hiring a great new teacher that I really like.
A surprise redo of our back patio by my sweet husband.
Reconciling with my BFF
Vacationing in Kansas City and meeting my blog pal Jess.
Visiting my dear friend Kim in Branson and meeting her awesome family.
Mr. D and I taking Truman on vacation with us for 29 days!
Eating a lot of ice cream and cupcakes.
Our friend Chris and Lisa meeting us in Florida for 4 days on the beach.
Renewing our wedding vows on the beach in a beautiful service 7/23/09.
Surprising my mom with a visit.
Learning that "Manhattans" are my new signature drink.
Taking 20 kids to theatre camp.
keeping connected on facebook.
Starting to practice yoga.
Implementing a yoga class after school once a week for theatre kids and faculty
Starting off the school year slowly.

Things that need to improve
Spending the entire month of June stressing about my job.
Facing the adoption delays.
$800 vet bills for the cat while we are hundreds of miles away on vacation.
Having my theatre staff cut at school by 25%.
Missing my daughter Finley so bad... when I have never even met her.
Spending the entire summer tied to the pump at least 4 times a day... everyday.
Sore boobs.
Really feeling old, fat, and not that cute...
More friends coming up accidentally pregnant.
Fighting major bouts of anxiety.
Coming back to school to old issues not resolved over the summer.
Everyone at school asking "Hey!!! Where's your baby???"
The unexpected passing of Mr. D's father.
Feeling behind at school because I have just not been very motivated at my job... "baby fever"?

I am trying very hard to be patient. To live through every moment... but it is getting so hard. I never thought that our adoption would still be going on in September of 2009... Truth be told I expected to have a baby last April (at the latest)... but that is just not how things are going.

I still have faith... I know God is bringing our daughter to us... but this wait is agonizing.

My favorite yoga teacher told us the other day that in yoga strength and patience are closely related. The yoga definition of strength is "the ability to keep your balance when facing adversity" and the definition of patience is "the ability to keep your balance when facing the unknown".

Please pray for both patience and strength for my little family... all three of us.

How am I doing?

2009-06-15T18:12:00.003-08:00

So I thought it was time to catch up.

Breasts - hmmmm... this is a hard question. I am pumping about 9 ounces a day and I am happy with that. Because of the adoption delay we are in now I have cut back to pumping 4 times a day... there was just no way that I can do more and have a life right now... I was starting to get depressed thinking about pumping 7 times a day through the summer (sans a baby) so I just decided that as long as I was able to get 6-8 ounces a day that would be enough to start a newborn with. I am taking only 1 or 2 domperidome a day (instead of 4) and no other herbal supplements... so I think 9 ounces a day is a pretty impressive amount and when there is a baby I will be able to up the meds if I need to and obviously nurse much more than 4 times a day... but for now this amount is manageable. I am freezing everything and have an estimated 250 ounces in my freezer so far so even if supply is low at first I think I will be fine for a while... unless the worst happens... longer delays where I have to dump some of the frozen milk... or freezer failure. The itching is still there... but is a lot less. I actually think it may be a symptom of let down (or "time to pump") symptom for me... either that or someone suggested PUPPS, the same rash pregnant women get on their belly's during pregnancy because of hormone changes... in any case... it is easing up.

Vacation - Mr. D and I have decided to go ahead and plan a vacation as if Finley will not be here this summer. We are traveling to Kansas City for 3 weeks while he is in a show at a big theatre there... so it will be hotel living for several weeks... then we will head to Nashville and Lookout Mountain for a couple of days and after that back to Seaside, Florida for a few days. We will be out of town for the entire month of July... but since we are driving everywhere our plans can be changed at a moments notice should we get "the call". All of the places we are travelling have airports and if Finn's arrival comes at a time when we are out of town then we will just boogie to wherever we have to go and do whatever we have to do to get to her. All of this was after careful consideration and thought by Mr. D. and me... I think he knows that I need something (besides Finley) to look forward too... and it would be an especially long depressing summer f we just stayed home and stared at the phone. We have talked to our agency and they are just experiencing delays in domestic adoption right now... we knew this was a possibility when we signed with this small agency (see April & May 2008 archives) but it is really hard now that we are here... and still don't have our daughter.

Work - My co-teacher of three years decided to leave this year so I am interviewing for a new co-teacher. This is causing a lot of stress... but I am trying my best to deal with it. I am trying to look forward to the changes that will occur... but change is a hard thing for me especially while I am waiting for Finn. So please say a prayer that I will get the "right" person for the job and that we will work well together for the next several years.

Mood - So... as you can see I have a lot in my life right now that is out of my control and that is very hard on this type A personality. I am fighting anxiety and depression. I feel like my whole life is a roller coaster right now that just doesn't stop. Mr. D. & my home life are my constants right now and I am thankful about that. We are even taking out pup Truman out of town with us this time because I really need the stability of him when we are out of town... isn't that funny that such a little animal can bring we such comfort during this stressful process? I am just having trouble with not being in charge of the basic things in my life... my work... my adoption... where we stay for the summer... even my breasts don't quite seem to be in my control... it is more like they are controlling me. I hope I don't sound to whiny... I am just trying to sort some things out and enjoy the ride even though I am not driving.

I suspect my days in KC will be filled with reading... so if you have some books to recommend I would appreciate them... Right now I am into Southern "coming of age" books... Recently I really loved THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES, WHAT GIRLS LEARN, BACKROADS, STOLEN CHILD & A MIDWIFE'S TALE.... So if you have had any free time to read please give me some suggestions. As a teacher I hardly ever read during the school year (unless it is a script) and then I spend the summer going through 3 or 4 books a week... all fiction... all quick reads... think "beach reads and Chick Lit.

That is it for my catch up... I will fill you in if I hear anymore... but for now... keep on praying!

Need your Dr. Google advice...

2009-06-01T05:38:00.002-08:00

I have a lot going on... mostly not good.

I have been meaning to post... but just haven't had the time... nothing terrible... just hard.

But right now I have a question.

What type of doctor do you see about breast issues during pumping? OB/GYN... General Practitioner, Pediatrician?? I am having terrible itching on my breasts (NOT on the nipple on the actual breast.. and today I have a "rash" that looks like freckles on my breast... it is not raised just flat reddish brown is freckles (broken blood vessels?) This is just above where the flanges touch my beasts... hmmm... any ideas???

Still no baby...

My job is sucking rocks....

But I am getting about 7 - 8 ounces a day... so that is good.

Will write more soon!

Three Days Work

2009-05-07T18:59:00.006-08:00

So here is what I have pumped and saved in three days... about 6 ounces. This will be my first milk to put away into the freezer. Thank you all so much for your support and sweet comments!

So I do have some pumping questions. I can't figure out how much I "should" be able to pump... I have read everything from 1/2 an ounce each time I pump to that I I should be pumping 11-14 ounces a day... which really seems unbelievably impossible right now! I am getting about 6 pumping sessions in a day and none at night... Most of the sites I have read recommend 8-10 times a day and at least once a night... but until school gets out at the end of the month I don't know how I could manage that schedule. I have not gone to my lactation consultant because I know that she will urge me to do more.. and frankly I am pretty proud of what I am doing so far and I don't want to get more overwhelmed by someone that *could* be a little overzealous... especially since the baby isn't even here yet. I am also not exactly sure when to change the "membrane" on the flange of the pump... nothing I have read told me.. but I know they are supposed to be changed because they sell extras... maybe they just break easily? Not sure... need help.

We did did some super disappointing news this week. I talked to the agency and they said thing were "really slow" and we should "expect more delays". I think what that means is that we don't have a birth mom yet.. or that maybe we had one that has backed out... Our agency is really small & different and runs things more like an international adoption agency... (read about it on my April or May 2008 archives). Anyway.. we knew that we would not get "the call" until a baby has been released after the 48 hour mandatory state wait... and that we would not know when we were "matched" with a birth mother. So it is all by faith right now... and prayer. But the wait is hard and the delay is scary... I can't imagine not having Finley in my arms by the end of June. And now that seems like a very real possibility.

So... again... I do need that pumping advice...

and... we NEED your prayers.

Cheering section

2009-05-01T19:34:00.004-08:00

So I decided to pump and save for the entire day to see how much I am getting so far... Day 3 of pumping yielded a little less than 1/2 an ounce. It took me six 20 minute pumping sessions during the day to get this 1/2 ounce so I am pretty proud of it. This 1/2 ounce is a combination of the milk from both breasts... small victories right?

They say that the more you pump the more you will make... so I will keep at it. Right now I am making drops... about 1 every 30 seconds... but of course we are hoping to see a steady stream any day!

Since I am down one best girlfriend... Mr. D. has taken on the role of my cheerleader. I was really missing having a best friend tell me that I can do this and someone to oooh and aaah over the mere 1/2 teaspoon of milk I made after an uncomfortable pumping session. Soooooo my dear husband has stepped right up! It is nice to have some one cheering me on and telling me he is proud of me for working so hard and pumping so much for very little milk (so far). I am really trying hard at this... so keep us in your prayers.

Here are a couple of the cheers that can bee heard in our home on a nightly basis... especially reserved when I need a smile to get me through 20 more minutes...

"Two tits, Full tits, gonna make a bottle...

All for breastmilk... stand up and holler!!!"

and an old southern favorite

"Pork chops, pork chops, Greazy... Greazy...

Gonna make breastmilk... Easy... Easy..."

You have to admit.... my husband is pretty great."

This photo is my equivalent of a positive pregnancy test result....

2009-04-28T19:26:00.003-08:00

Do you see it???? You see it right??? After 42 days of bc pills and domperidone today was the big day! Today I ditched the bc and started pumping. This is the result of my 2nd 20 minute pumping session... you see it right??? Not just on the sides but a tiny (but VISIBLE) pool in the bottom corner... of M I L K!

Holy crap... this might work!

I am so excited!!! I feel like this is a major milestone for me!!!

So my pumping schedule is now 8-10 times a day for 20 minutes each time... whoa.. one day at a time... 6 am will be coming really early tomorrow.

I also want to thank you for all the great ideas for the Finn-ventory... If it wasn't already on the registry I added everything you suggested. So thank you for all the support and sweet words!!!

I am off to finish my glass of wine and then to bed... I have lots of milk to make!

PS... is it normal for the nipples to feel sort of bee-sting-ish... or sort of like fire at the beginning??? Yeah... you guys could have warned me about that part....

Finn-ventory

2009-04-18T16:04:00.003-08:00

After seeing our nursery many people have said to us "well... you don't need anything... you already bought it all!" I don't really see this as true... but I do admit that since we can not bond with our baby in the belly... we have bonded through shopping... BUT... I am sure we still need stuff!!!

We are registered but I have no clue if anyone will give us a shower... (please note - adoptive parents DO still want a baby shower... come on people!) Many people think that I will want a shower after the baby is here since we are adopting... something about it being "safer" but I am really hoping for a shower before she comes so I can got get what we still need. But since the recent fall out with my bff I may be on my own...

Anyway... Here is what we have. And what I need from you my blogger friends is a list of what we need!

WHAT WE HAVE - AKA the Finn-ventory

GEAR
total nursery - all furnished
Amby bed
baby bath tub
stroller
car seat for NB (stilll need 1 car seat base)
sound machine
Dr.Browns bottles (a ton)
My breast friend nursing pillow
medela breast pump
baby food processor
Blankets - 11 recieving & 3 swaddling
formula - 4 cans or various (since we don't know what she likes... hopefully boob.)
SNS (supplemental nursing system)
lotions & potions - a TON
Diapers - 80 disposable NB
40 small g-diaper inserts (for babies 8 - 20 pounds)
7 small g-diaper covers (3 white, 3 orange, 1 pink stripe)
wipes - 2 tubs
2 nose suckers
gas drops
baby tylenol
1 toddler tricycle - from my dad :)

CLOTHING

onsies
(13) NB, (12) 3-6, (1) 6-9
sleepers
(18) NB, (1) 3-6, (1) 9-12
sleep sacks
(2)
short sleeve dresses
(21) NB, (17) 3-6, (5) 6-9, (1) 9-12
long sleeve dresses
(2) NB, (2) 3-6, (1) 6-9
sweaters
(2) NB, (5) 3-6, (1) 9-12
pants
(4) NB, (1) 3-6, (1) 6-9
short sleeve tops
(3) NB, (2) 3-6, (5) 6-9
long sleeve tops
(2) NB, (3) 3-6, (7) 6-9, (3) 9-12
socks
(17) NB
shoes
(3) NB, (2) 6-12
hats
(12) NB

ok girls... take it away...

WHAT DO WE NEED????

The view from my fridge...

2009-04-11T18:48:00.003-08:00

Happy Easter.

An Easter tradition...

Coconut carrot cupcakes with cream cheese icing.

Recipe:

Betty Cr*cker Carrot Cake mix... make it like the box says (they oughta know right?)... If you are brave mix in the following crushed pineapple, raisins, coconut, almonds, vanilla flavoring... I added all but the pineapple this year. Bake them for 17 minutes. Let them cool completely before icing (this is a biggie people... I am 37 and I still have trouble with the "let them cool before icing part".

Use the AWESOME Betty Cr*cker cream cheese icing...mix in lots of coconut and green food coloring until it looks like a grassy gloppy mess but tastes amazing. Shovel it on the cupcakes... the sloppier you are the better it looks because it is supposed to be grass!!! Add a bunny or a chick peep and a few jelly belly's for Easter eggs and viola... you are M*rtha Stewart!

Thinking that this is our last Easter as a twosome is thrilling! I can't wait to make these next year with a baby crawling or WALKING around!

Happy Easter... please say a prayer for us today.

Spring... one step closer to "early summer"

2009-04-06T15:17:00.005-08:00

I have finished my first 21 days of bc pills and domperidone to try to induce lactation. I have seen what should be considered "significant" breast changes" but I think I am doing to continue the bc pills for another 2 to four weeks. I am excited to begin pumping to see what will happen... but I know that I will have to commit to a very rigorous schedule (6X a day and 1X at night)... so I thought I would wait until closer to April... and closer to the end of school...

I have not heard anything from our agency... I am just holding on for dear life to the two little words "...early summer."

Things at work are starting to slow down... and each day seems twice as long as they do when I am busy. Waiting is so hard... and I just don't know how to pass the time any faster (especially without spending money!)

I have been a bit sad... I have lost a very good friend and it really just devastates me. I guess we have been growing a part for a long time... but I never would have expected that our friendship could just fade away. It is especially hard since it is right at the end stretch of our adoption journey... I could really use her right now. But it was not my choice... In fact... I told Mr. D. that I feel like I have been dumped. It is really hard to not have that one special girlfriend to talk to... and if she is still reading this... I hope she knows how much I miss her.

Since I needed a new way to spend my time I have taught myself to knit and have made several baby hats for Finny. I have a student who crochets and she taught me.... I sort of "cheat" for all of you "hard core knitters" out there... I knit on a circle loom... so I guess I am not really knitting... but the outcome is the same! I have made 7 baby caps and a great hat for Mr. D. It is fun and sort of relaxing.

Today on Oprah they had a show about the difficulties of motherhood. And everyone tels me (probably on a daily basis) how hard it is to parent and how I "have no idea" how hard it is going to be. Any time I say "yeah... I know..." or "I can imagine" they just look at me with a snotty look and say "oh no... YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!" I don't know what to say to that... I mean... I don't know what it is to be a parent... and I know it is not all "pushing around a stroller" as one particular person said behind my back... but what can I say??? I want to be a mom. I have been moving toward this moment for years and have worked very hard to get to (almost) "early summer" and now that I am almost there people (even Oprah)want to scare the crap out of me. I just wish people would just congratulate me and say they will be there to help if I need it... instead of looking at me like I am crazy to have actually signed up for this adoption thing as if I did it on a whim. And if one more person tells me I am never going to sleep again.... I get it people.

Uhm... is anyone else watching Toddlers and Tiaras? What. The. Fuck???

A new pumping plan

2009-03-16T17:21:00.003-08:00

Since I started pumping I was able to get drops but after several months it just wasn't getting much more than drops... so I called my doctor and I am on an official (drug induced) lactation protocol.

For the next month I will take a specific form of birth control pills (Yasmin)... along with a minorly controversial non-FDA approved in the US medication called domperidone. Over the next month I will watch for "significant breast changes" (soreness... pain... & of course getting BIGGER) if I have these changes by the first month (and I will because that is par for the course when I am on bc pills) I will then stop the bc and start pumping hard core (six times a day plus once at night) while continuing the domperidone. This is the same accelerated induced lactation protocol on Ask Lenore which is an awesome site to check out about all things breastfeeding. The hope is that my "early summer" I will at least have enough milk to give some breast milk to our little Finn.

So that is what I am up to... we are moving forward and taking the extra couple months we have to try to get this breastfeeding thing right.

Other than that I am working very hard at work on a beautiful version of the Greek tragedy Antigone. I have had such a nice time directing this one and for such a tragic play we have had a lot of fun. This is my busiest time of year and hopefully the amount of work I have will help the time pass quickly.

That is about it from here... I have started a surprise Finn project that may or may not pan out... and I am still spending all my spare time in baby stores... other than that we are here and we are waiting... patiently.

Moving forward to "early summer"...

2009-03-02T04:57:00.006-09:00

Thank you friends.

Your sweet words really helped me this week. Each time I read a new comment it made me feel more and more that I am not going through this alone... and that there are so many people out there supporting me and pulling for me in (hopefully) these last few months.

A couple of surprise good things happened this week that also helped me get out of my funkiness. First Mr. D. and I went to an incredible baby safety and CPR class. It was a private class (because no one else signed up on the night we signed up) and for $50 we spent over 3 hours talking safety and learning CPR one on one with our presenter. She is an RN and lactation consultant and owns the coolest store right near my house called http://thenestingplace.biz/ (they have great stuff and amazing sales so check out there internet store) Anyway... now I have a lactation consultant who is going to help me with this adoptive inducing lactation thing.

The other cool thing that happened this week was that my aunt and uncle bought us the cutest car seat and stroller. I had one on my registry that I sort of liked... but my aunt called and had found a design I had never seen before and wanted me to look at it because is was so "me"... and guess what she found us the PERFECT pattern! It is just adorable. So that also makes me feel more ready since it was a big purchase that we had to have (at the least the car seat) before we go to get little Finley.

I also had one major splurge latest... this totally amazing diaper bag by Amy Michelle. It was way to expensive... but I have always known that after 6 years of infertility treatments and now this adoption wait... well... I have always wanted the coolest most awesome diaper bag to carry around... So now I have it. Drool.

So... I think I am mostly pulled out of my depressed state and I am trying hard to move forward looking toward "early summer". Don't get me wrong... it still sucks... Imagine telling a woman who is 40 weeks pregnant that she has to wait another 4 months before giving birth... that is kind of how I feel. We are just so READY. But... thankfully my good friends... good family... and good fortune helped bring me back to reality and remind me that summer will come. It will. It really will.

Proof positive that I am looking forward to "early summer". I can't wait to see my little Finn finally in this dress... probably on a beach somewhere!!!

Need some support from my friends...

2009-02-23T14:28:00.004-09:00

I have been patient.

I did really well until after the holidays....

Now I am super antsy and anxious... and shingle-y (it is gone now...)

But I think I have been very good about this adoption wait.

And today...
I got an email from my agency saying that it will probably be early summer before we are placed.

It just sucks.

I was really feeling like after 10 1/2 months we were almost there... like any time... jump when the phone rings... almost there.

I don't know how to do this anymore. I feel really upset and angry... not at my agency... they are great... just at... well... fate?... God?... I don't know... just... everyone.

This.
is.
NOT.
fair.

I want to cry but I can't.
I feel like a fraud.
Like it is never going to happen.

How much longer????

Help me girls... if you are still out there... listening...

Help me deal.

What the F@CK???

2009-02-02T18:34:00.002-09:00

I have shingles!

Yeah the old person chickenpox-y polka dot nerve pain itch and burn fest!

I have a mild case... only about the size of a half dollar on my inner elbow but it is gross and I hate it!

I have been to the doctor twice already and am taking valtrex (yes... the herpes meds with the cute commercial) it is ALSO used for shingles... Anyway... I am thankful that it is a small breakout and seems to be responding well to meds... but holy shit... shingles????

The only two things that seem to cause shingles (besides the chickenpox virus hanging out in your body for years after you had the pox) is either a lower immune system or high stress levels...

Possibly adoption related anxiety???

hmmm... I wonder which one it is???

2009-01-20T17:29:00.003-09:00

Ta*Daa!!!

Finally a picture of the refinished antique changing table. I am guessing that originally it was a buffet since the drawers have locks and the top to curved ones look like they probably stored the silverware. We bought it for $85 on Craig's List and it was in great condition. All I had to do was stain it the dark cherry color to match our bedroom furniture. Then Mr. D. and I built and stained the custom "changing table topper". You can see it in one of the pics before the stain. Finally Mr. D. purchased a new leather chair and a lamp (on a dimmer) to give a little light when we need it in the middle of the night. Maybe someday I will take a picture of how it all fits together in with our furniture... but not tonight... since the bed didn't get made today and I am about to jump in it!

Happy Inauguration Day! Such a happy day for America!

I am going to soak in a tub now... I can not tell you how sore my boobs are all of a sudden! Pumping? Herbs? What??? And there has been some very strange think yellow stuff coming out of one... (I know... TMI... but what do I do.. I have never done this before!) So the yellow stuff was thick like toothpaste and about 1/16 of an inch came out of my right breast twice... Really a small amount. It wasn't painful at all... but now 2 days later they are just really sore... like in early pregnancy... (No... I am not pregnant). Any hypothises?

A brief check in...

2009-01-11T06:40:00.002-09:00

Check in for this week.

I did order and receive my supplemental nursing system. It came in a sterile packaging so I did not open it... I feel better having it and feel a little more "ready".

The changing table is finished and looks beautiful in or bedroom. Mr. D. added a gorgeous brown leather chair and swing arm lamp to complete the little "nook" area. We added the changing pad in a soft sand color to match our bedding and the whole look is very chic and not really "baby" at all. The only thing left is to build and stain the topper/ tray for the changing pad to sit securely in. Since one of the classes I teach is technical theatre I will probably work on this in the upcoming week while my students are working on a scene shop clean out project.

I am pumping 4 times a day now for 10 minutes each sitting and taking 3 fenugreek and 2 blessed thistle with each meal. I can feel myself getting fuller and heavier... but no action yet. I keep thinking that I have some moisture on the right side after 10 minutes at the pump... but nothing that you could even call a drop yet. Pumping is not my favorite chore... but I am committed for at least a month to see what is going to happen.

I am back at the gym and on a 1100 calorie a day diet. I have put on some weight in the last few months... (my baby weight!) and I am determined to work it off between now and April... it is like pumping... I just have to do it now for the pay-off later.

One thing that is weird... I keep having nightmares. They are about every bad thing that "could" happen in my life... my marriage falling apart, my parents becoming ill or passing away, getting fired from my job... finding out there is no money in the bank... etc... None have been directly related to Finley or the adoption... but I think all of them are caused by the anxiety of waiting and feeling so out of control right now. My stress levels feel really high and just trying to relax my shoulders and upper back is hard. It is strange to feel like everything is really ok (in reality) but to have so much inner stress that it is coming out in my muscles and my dreams. I probably need to do some yoga before bed each night.

So that is it for this week... I am getting back in the swing of things at school and trying to do everything I can to get things in order for Finley surprise arrival.

Happy New Year! (updated with pics!)

2009-01-01T05:57:00.003-09:00

Still here... still waiting.

I have been thinking about blogging for a long time... but it is hard to feel inspired lately. The wait is getting so hard and long... it is over 8 months now. I think and wonder about Finley almost constantly. I am getting so antsy and now I understand the meaning of the old saying "so close and yet so far..." Almost everything is ready. The nursery - check, enough diapers for about a week - check, Breast pump - check, enough formula for a few days - Check, clothes - triple check. I was worried that I don't have a car seat yet but Nicole made me promise not to buy one... she swears someone will want to buy that for us and told me if Fin comes before we have one to just swing by and pick up hers on the way to Lubbock. I also need to order a supplemental nursing system which involves feeling the baby formula through a tube at the breast... maybe I will order that today. Other than that... I really should try and wait for a shower or a after she is here shower instead of spending any more $$.

The project that we are working on now is refinishing a changing table we found on Craig's List. It is actually a small antique buffet for silver and china but it is the perfect size for a custom changing table. We have stained it a dark cherry to match our bedroom furniture and now we have to put a polyurathane (sp?) sealer on it and decide on knobs.

Christmas was great! I got a ton of clothes, a few gift certificates, some smell good stuff, a beautiful lavender scarf, a gorgeous long sweater, a new green purse and an iphone. Finn made out like a bandit with some infant toys from Oompa.com, clothes for infants all the way up to 18 months, her first tricycle, a cupcake backpack, earrings, and a food processor!

So just because I am not posting doesn't mean I am not thinking of Finn... she is always there... Maybe I think about her so much that posting seems overwhelming. There is so much love here waiting for her and I know that this waiting part is the hardest part. Please continue to pray for us and Finley Elisse... and that the "phone call of our lives" comes soon!

Went shopping today at some after Christmas sales so I thought I would add to this post and share!

First, the most amazing little brown and polka dot jacket for next fall... or spring... It is 12 months... so we will see when she can wear it. Next a cute ensemble of embroidered jeans and a hippy dippy top... along with two kick choices (3M). Then, an overly expensive crocheted birdie rattle that I could not leave the store without.. ANOTHER pink sleeper :), and finally a brown floral sundress with brown mary janes (3M). Oh... I just can't wait for her to get here. It makes me so excited to find this that Mr. D. and I love for her... and yet breaks my heart a little that she is not here yet!

A brand new day.

2008-11-05T04:23:00.003-09:00

I wake up this morning inspired to blog for the first time in a long time. I am just giddy with excitement about last nights election. I am so inspired by both candidates but I am truly humbled to have been a part of this historic election. President-elect Obama had me in tears last night and I watched all the states roll in last night both on TV and the Internet! I am just thrilled that in the same year that I will bring home my daughter we have a president that we can actually be proud of! The air is just buzzing this morning!

In other news... today is cd 3. I haven't heard anything from our agency but I have a call in to chat about breast feeding and cord blood banking. I have a cord collecting kit on the way from Viac*rd and hopefully there will be a chance that the cord blood can be saved for us. My BFF Nicole brought over her breast pump and I have started *trying* to use it! Damn... it hurts like a mother! I am just trying 5 minutes twice a day right now to sort of get my boobs used to this... uhm... well... pain. Nicole insured me that it gets easier... so when it does and after I have talked with my agency I plan to start pumping more so that we can see what kind of milk supply I can bring on. I am not taking any medication (since it is illegal in the US) and I am not using birth control therapy... so we will see what I can do just with the pump!

I attended the most wonderful adoption conference two weeks ago! It was a HUGE conference that a local church does each year for FREE! And this conference was nice! It included breakfast and lunch and then you could choose between 4-5 sessions to attend each hour! Leading child development experts, adoption social workers, and adoptive parents lead the sessions and it was so informative! And cool to literally meet hundreds of people who are going through the same thing!!! Did I mention that this was all FREE??? It was just amazing and I was honored to attend!!!!

School is still kicking my butt! I have been very busy at work and am already directing my second show of the year! It is harder this year because I have so much anticipation about Finley that it is hard to care that much about anything else... but I am trying!

I will end with a couple of fall picture including our yearly Halloween pumpkins! This year I carved one for Finn! Mr. D. was very busy and didn't carve one of his famous princesses... but I tried to make up for it by working on an Ariel! If you want to see our past pumpkins just check out the October archives... I must say... we do know how to carve us some pumpkins!

Take care!!!! Keep the prayers coming!!!!

Say it ain't so Joe!

2008-10-13T17:45:00.003-08:00

So Lisa Marie Presley just named her twin girls!!!

Harper... (which was our second choice name...)

AND...

FINLEY!!!

arrrggghh!!!!

How strange that we chose a name that we had never heard anyone use... and now... wham... it went the way of Violet and Vivienne... But HOW did she pick BOTH of our names??? If I find out Finley's middle name is Elisse I will really be freaked!

We are still using "our" name... because she is already Finn to us.... but man... that sucks!

Hopefully it won't become the next Brittany, Ashley or Kaylie or any of the other names that have now become super over used and are now common.

I just wanted our daughter to have a unique and well thought out name... and now I will have to cringe when anyone says... "Oh Finley... did you name her after Elvis's granddaughter??"

uuggghh...

PS... The wait is getting really hard... we haven't heard anything from our agency in a while. It is really hard to be in "the wait". Please keep us in your prayers.

PSS... Everyone vote. I am voting for Obama... mainly because of Sarah Palin.

What IS that?

2008-09-18T04:37:00.002-08:00

I have an actual grey eyelash on my lower left eye.

WTF???

I never even thought about EYELASHES turning grey! (and don't tell me that it is blonde... that might have worked 5 years ago... but not now.) I am a month and a half away from 37... how is this possible... what is next???

I just thought you should know.

I am going to be a geriatric mother.

Ike.

2008-09-15T04:29:00.004-08:00

Thank you for the safety concerns. We were well out of the way of Ike, especially since once it hit land it veered to the east. We got only mild rain and wind. But many people's lives are devastated... Galveston is a mess and Houston also sustained major damage. I would encourage you to donate cash to a the Red Cross because I just heard on the news that the cost of feeding and sheltering evacuees is over $50,000 a day in the Dallas area... and this could go on for weeks.

We are all lucky to be safe and sound and we should help those who weren't so lucky.

cd 2 again....

2008-09-01T17:28:00.003-08:00

I am still using this blog to keep track of my periods... not sure why... old habit I guess.

Here are a few things that have been on my mind...

#1 - I go between planning and praying for my baby and feeling secure and content.... to feeling scared that it will never happen... that somehow this is a big adoption scam... that I will never have a real baby girl in my arms. My adoption attorney calls it "pregnancy hormones". Anyone feel like this during your wait? There is little to do now but realize that everything is out of my control and all I can do is wait... and pray... oh yeah.. and pay.

#2 - We are back to school. Mr D. and I had a wonderful and packed summer and yet somehow it feels like it flew by! Last week as I started school I felt literally like I had just been gone for a long weekend. This is my 12th year teaching high school theatre... so maybe I am somewhat on autopilot... but dang... it seems like we just got out!

#3 - I love shopping at our local kids resale shop. Yesterday Mr. D. and I got 7 little outfits for $18. The are all in great shape! Finn is going to have so many clothes... and we have decided we are going to have to start playing the lottery... there are just so many cute things for little girls out there!

#4 - I have to start back to the gym. 'Nuff said.

#5 - I don't trust anyone in politics... but I don't trust this Sarah Palin chick the most.

#6 - I can't wait for fall TV to start.

#7 - I am not sure what to do about the fact that my youngest kitty Snoopy think that Finley's crib is a giant cat bed just for him. I have tried foil in the crib (he just snuggles up on top of the foil) and net over the bed (he still just jump on in and lays on the netting). Any suggestions?

#8 - Has anyone invested in a really good camera? What kind is it and did it make that much of a difference? I want my pictures to be better... but is paying $500 and learning how to use a massive camera really the key?

That is it for now... I hope to hear from you on some of these issues....

cd 3.. why do I still have a need to know that???

2008-08-02T17:25:00.003-08:00

We have a name...
Well... we have had it since May... but we still like it so it is time to go public...

Finley Elisse

"Finn"

Finley - is a Irish name meaning "Fair Warrior." Though it has gained some popularity as a female name in the U.S., Finley is masculine in all other English-speaking regions.

Elisse - is a French, Greek, & Hebrew name meaning "God's promise" or "my God is a vow" in all languages. French diminutive of Elisabeth or feminine form of Elisée. Introduced to English-speaking countries in the later half of the 19th century. (My middle name is Elise... so same name... altered spelling!)

I also wanted to share the pictures of our finished nursery. One of the reasons we bought this house five years ago is because of the "sitting room" off the master bedroom. Because we attached this room to our bedroom instead of making it a freestanding room like the model home our house is technically a three bedroom (instead of four). But I always knew that when we had a child we would turn this room into the nursery for at least a year or two... so here it is... We have been working all summer!

So... although Finn may not be here until the spring it was very important for me to have the room ready before school started and I got so busy at work.

We are officially in that long wait. We are totally "paper pregnant" but without a due date. We have just decided to be as ready as possible in case the call comes sooner rather than later.

I know I am not blogging much... but I want to share this with those of you playing along from home. We are so excited and happy and can't wait to meet out little Finley Elisse!

Could I love that child?

2008-07-13T19:04:00.004-08:00

A strange phenomenon...

Maybe all waiting adoptive mothers do this...

I find my self staring at children all the time with one thought running through my mind... "Could I love that child?'

Sometimes it is easy... a sweet toddling baby girl with brown hair and green eyes that sort of could look like me... and I think "oh yes... she would be perfect! I'll take that one please!" Or a sleeping child... or a laughing one... Or a funny one... But then there are the others... the ones screaming in Costco with snot running down their faces... or the child throwing a temper tantrum for another cookie... or something as simple as a sweet child of another race that I know could never "visually" be thought of by strangers as "mine". And all the while I am staring... thinking "Could I love that child?"

I see kids all the time that I think "whew... I would hate to be that mom". What if I turn out to be that mom with THAT kid??? What if I ours turns out to be like the girl in "The Bad Seed"? Or Damien in "The Omen"... Or Erkle????

Honestly, I guess I am just worried that we won't "click". That my baby will "know" that I am not her bio mom and resent me... that she will be so different.. or difficult... just so something that I won't completely fall in love with her. I am scared sometimes that I will feel like I am babysitting instead of being a mom.

I hope that is this a normal fear. That all adoptive mothers ( and maybe bio mothers too) worry about. I just want to fall so in love with my baby when she is put in my arms and I want so desperately to know that she is "my" baby.

I think about her all the time... I try to see her in all of the other children that I come across... I am looking for her all the time. I try to imagine what she will look like and I think about the day when we will pick her up from the adoption agency and our drive home.

I have seen a couple of episodes of "Bringing Home Baby" on TLC... it is a reality show about the first 36 hours home with a newborn. One thing they always show are the families coming in and saying "oh she looks just like you!" Or the mother gazing at the baby saying "I love her so much... I can't believe we made her". Will I miss that? It always makes me cringe now... feeling like I will look at her and see someone totally unfamiliar. That she will be a total stranger to me... her mother. I am developing new concerns about adoption that i never even thought of... I always thought you worried that the baby wouldn't attach to you... but will I attach to the baby???

"Could I love that child?"

Thoughts?
(please please please.. tell me I am normal...)

More stuff!!!

2008-07-06T17:06:00.002-08:00

I have been in Houston for the 4th! I was excited to see my husband after 2 weeks and spend 2 1/2 days together!

Yesterday, while Mr. D. was in rehearsal, I was alone window shopping in Pottery Barn Kids... I was totally having a great time and then I think I started to have a mini-panic attack. My heart was fluttering and I left the store and had to walk around a "real store" (Ann Taylor Loft) to make myself feel better. To my major surprise I look up and see Mr. D. walking towards me... his rehearsal had let our early and he saw my car at PBK! So he was there at the end of my freak out and told me with a smaile that I had better "pull it together" 'cause this is for keeps!

Is this normal? Am I panicking because of our baby... or the fact I still feel pretty "fake" about the whole thing... or is it because Pottery Barn Kids is so freaking expensive and I know I will never be able to give our daughter "everything" we want her to have?

I am going to stick to window shopping at Target for the next week or two.

Mr. D. told me this morning that he dreamed we got "the call". He said that we were there at the hotel in Houston and got "the call" to come get our daughter. We were calling all of our friends and family to tell them we got "the call". He also said that he dreamed we were going to name her Katherine and call her Kate. I asked him if he wanted to name her that for real and was relived when he said no. Katherine is pretty... but we already have a name we have picked out!

Add this to my dream that the baby was her. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought for a minute she was in a bassinet next to the sofa in the hotel. After a momentary freak out I woke up more and realized there was no baby yet and the bassinet was just a laundry basket!

I have major baby brain!

Today we also got a statement from our agency for the next payment installment and the completed approved homestudy! Wow... I think I am feeling a little freak-out-ish.

I drove back home from Houston this afternoon.... I have several more days of teaching camp before I go back to Houston on the 14th for opening night.

That is the cliff notes version of my life right now... I will post more soon!

It's today!!!

2008-06-20T04:48:00.003-08:00

UPDATE - 10:45 pm
To tired to write the whole story.. but WE ARE APPROVED!!! Our social worker stayed for 5 1/2 hours and most of that was just chit chat! Nothing hard... nothing weird... Just like dinner with a friend.. ok... a friend who is REALLY interested on your views on parenting.

Now we just wait for him to prepare our paperwork and sign off on his report! The paperwork and home study hurdles have been jumped... More details later...

So so so so so tired!

Zzzzzzzzz.....

Our home study is today sometime between 3:00 - 4:00!!!! I am so excited!

The only downer is that we had arranged for a cleaning service to come in and do the basics so we wouldn't have to worry about bathrooms and dusting window sills etc... but they called yesterday and cancelled because of an emergency... so we will be cleaning our own house... just like we usually do! Bummer!

Here is the plan for the day...

Morning:
Mr. D. works (he has a voice over for cartoon netw*rk)
Me - clean bathrooms... baseboards... and dust and polish the furniture... make iced tea!

Afternoon:
Mr. D. - grocery shops (Our new bff the social worker is joining us for dinner!)... Cleans cat hair off the upholstery (pray our bff doesn't wear black trousers!)... Vacuums and mops. Preps for dinner.
Me - Go teach at my theatre camp... TRY to focus

I will finish at 2:45 and rush home... hopefully I will have time to change and fix makeup before the doorbell rings! (I am really hoping he arrives closer to 3:45 or 4:00... but we can't count on that!

On the menu:
coffee or iced tea when he arrives
dinner: 5:30 pm
ravioli with vodka sauce (thank you C*stco)
some veggie... maybe a grilled mix
Italian bread with olive oil and dipping spices
for dessert... whatever looks pretty at Centa*l M*rket
a nice red wine... only if bff accepts the offer first...
iced tea and coffee

I am nervous... but I don't know why. I feel great about our home... especially since the "room that might be a nursery" is looking almost like a full fledged nursery... complete with crib bedding rocker... everything! I am very secure about our relationship. I know we will make great parents and that our home is warm and filled with love... So what am I nervous about? EVERYTHING!!! Will we say the wrong thing??? will our bff decide we are to happy as a couple and don't need a baby??? What if he hates our house??? What if he thinks three kitties and a pup are way to many animals around??? What if our pets misbehaved and he thinks we have no control over the living things in our house??? arrrggghh.. What if he is allergic to cats??? What if he stands up and there is cat hair on his black trousers??? What if I burn up the whole dinner??? What if he just doesn't like us??? There are so many things floating through me head today.

Just pray for us today.

It is 8:10... a great time for me to start scrubbing bathrooms!

2008-06-11T04:42:00.002-08:00

We interrupt our wonderful vacation for some fabulous news!!!

OUR HOME STUDY IS SCHEDULED FOR JUNE 20th!!!! YAY!!!!!

We will arrive home on the 15th and have 5 days to whip the house into shape and get ready!
I am thrilled and just can't wait!!!

Our vacation is going great! I have so much to share... but just have been to lazy to post! The first 5 days were spent with my mom in North Carolina... we window shopped at every baby store within 30 miles! Which was so fun because I may not see my mom again before we have a baby. I was very hesitant to allow here to buy anything... but I did come away with 3 onsies and 7 pairs of socks that look like Mary Jane's... so the girl won't be totally naked!!! When things feel right I will register and then mom can go crazy with the MasterCard if she wants...

We also spent 2 nights in Savannah... one of my new favorite cities... so rich in history and tragedy! We took a twilight carriage ride through the city and heard ghost stories, ate at Paula Dean's LADY AND SONS, did the hop on and off trolley tour, and stopped in the most beautiful church in the world and lit a candle for our daughter. It was so romantic and sweet! We also ate two of the biggest chocolate covered strawberries in the world... I am not kidding... they were the size of my fist!!!!

Now we are at the beach... our beautiful condo in Seaside, Florida.... well ... not "ours" be we rent it every year so it feels like ours. The days are the same as always.. beach... nap... eat.. makeout...coffee... beach... dinner... shop... then fall exhausted into bed. This time we rented bikes to we ride the 1 1/2 miles to Seaside and back... it feels good to get a little exercise before eating a huge burger and banana split!

So that is it in a nutshell... we have 3 more days on the beach then home. But we are excited to get to because we have a home study. Then Mr. D. will leave for 4 whole weeks to do a show in Houston and I will drive up on weekends when I am not teaching at my two summer theatre camps.

I will post more pictures of vacation soon... but now I am off to the beach!!!

Small town visit...

2008-05-28T04:53:00.003-08:00

I thought that the second I got back from "small town five hours away" I would blog the whole experience. I thought that I would be bursting with news and excitement... and I was... I just have been spending the last week processing everything and I felt a little selfish with the experience and wanted to just share it with my husband for a few days first... it was that wonderful.

The five hour drive was easy. We listened to a Steve Martin autobiography on the way and it made the time fly by. I knew that we would be in a time crunch to get there so I thought I was being very smart by washing my hair in the morning, not curling it, and bringing my car adapter to use my hot rollers on the way so my curls would be fresh and bouncy. I rode in the car in my sweats and picked out a fresh little black and white capri set to wear at the interview. We were already running a little late... I told M that we would arrive between 2-3 pm and we were booking it to get there by 3:15... so.... I plugged in my rollers and what???? The adapter wouldn't work! Plugged in my cell phone... boom... adapted worked... rollers again.. nothing. I started to panic and my sweet husband looked over and said... "I think your hair looks great straight"... I I just let it go. I did my makeup and changed my clothes in the car and we pulled into town at about 3:20.

We borrowed a GPS system from a friend to try out and it worked great.. until we got into town. "You've arrived!" she said right in from of the most dilapidated scary old building I have ever seen. I started to panic! I had visions of some fake adoption agency where they took your money and you never saw then again. We were just about to pull in and see what was up when we realized the address was off by 2 blocks... whew.

We pulled in to a much cuter building! My agency is so small that it also triples as the family law practice and real estate office! As we walked up I said I was scared and asked Mr. D. if he was scared too.. he said "there isn't anything to be afraid of... we are just meeting them!" My husband is wise. We opened the door and a little dog that (No kidding) looked EXACTLY like our beloved little Truman ran up and started jumping into our arms. I looked at Mr. D. and we both smiled and took it as a good sign. We met M. and her mother who also works in the office and a few others... we toured the office and then met in a small boardroom. Everything was so comfortable and homey. They were transferring records onto a new server so there were boxes around.. but it just added to the casualness and actually helped put us at ease.

Snuffy the sweet puppy sat in Mr. D's lap for the whole meeting! M. told Mr. D. all the stuff about the agency that she and I had talked about on the phone. She took so much time with us and told us many adoption stories and warned us of the "crazy out of control" feelings that we (especially me) will feel at some point of the process. She said "don't ever spend time worrying about thing like "I really want to call M. and ask where we are but I don't want to be pushy" she said... "Just call!" She promised to talk us (me) down and help us (me) get through the wait. She said "somehow.. I swear.. I think the adoptive mom develops the pregnancy hormones... and we all... just... get a little crazy.. it is part of it!". She adopted her daughter from Russian 3 years ago and shared with us that she is beginning the process again to adopt another little girl. She also said something else that I thought was very wise "When you finally start the adoption process... It starts to feel that your baby is out there somewhere and you can have panic about wanting to find them... it is such an out of control feeling and it is my mission to help you get through that until God brings us your baby."

She asked us what we really wanted... beyond a "healthy baby"... did we have any specifics? I looked over at our bright pink homestudy binder and said... "we really want a girl... is that ok?... can we just ask for a Hispanic or Caucasian or biracial baby girl?... Is that ok?" And she said "We can do that. You want a daughter. I totally understand." Just about then her gorgeous four year old little girl E. walks in a climbs into her arms. "She just woke up from her nap" she said "we are very casual here... we brng our kids and pets with us to work!" It was like magic! We spent the next 30 minutes talking and laughing with E. while she had a mid afternoon snack. She told us about her puppy (still in Mr. D.'s lap) and about her little sister they were getting. She told us that she was born in Russia and that she wanted to be a mermaid when she grew up. It was charming and perfect and wonderful.

After and hour and a half we left with hugs all around. On the way out we looked down and saw a tiny hand print in the cement in front of the agency... snapped a picture because it just felt like another sign. We talked about names and drove quietly on the way home. We both just felt so amazed at how perfect everything went.

It was a very good trip... and I have made the trip another hundred times in my mind since then... So forgive me for being a little selfish with the story... I just needed to keep it in my heart for a while and process it all before I shared. It just seems so real now...

...we are actually going to have a daughter.

paperwork... check.

2008-05-21T17:34:00.009-08:00

Paperwork is done!!! (OK.. almost done... I still have to proof a few things and photocopy everything for our records... but we are soooo close to done paperwork I can taste it!)

Mr. D. and I went to the beautiful Japanese Gardens in town and worked on the last few questions on Saturday... we are fingerprinted... all of the financial stuff is gathered... we have put together a few photos for the agency... and we have the most organized color coded and tabbed binder in the world.

We will be taking a road trip on Friday to "small town 5 hours away" to meet the people at the agency that will be handling our adoption... did you see that I just typed "our adoption" like it might actually be happening. So.. there should be pictures and stories coming from our trip.

There are 5 days of school left.. actually four since I am taking off on Friday... then we will leave town for two weeks on vacation on the 30th (only 9 days away!) We are going to North Carolina to visit my mom... Savannah, Georgia for a couple of days in a fun new city... then to our yearly beach condo trip for a week of pure bliss in the sand! When we come back I hope they will be ready to do the home portion of our homestudy... then I will teach (2) two week theatre camps and spend the rest of the summer resting... gym-ing... and trying to be patient.

The other small news is that Mr. D. and I bought something for the room that will someday be called the nursery but is now called the "sitting room". We found a small wardrobe and record cabinet on Craig*s L!st for only $60. Imagine them totally refinished.. probably white shabby chic style. The wardrobe will be for clothes since there is no closet in the room we don't call a nursery and the record cabinet will be a perfect changing table / toy box once we change to safety hinges and refinish. It will be a nice summer project for Mr. D. and I when we are trying not to spend money on the long summer days off.

Things are getting exciting... Am I moving to fast? Sometimes I get so nervous that this isn't real. But it feels so great to have a plan... so right now... while I am feeling hopeful... we are starting to plan like there might actually be a baby in that room we don't call a nursery.

busy... busy... busy... my fingers hurt from typing.

2008-05-14T05:24:00.003-08:00

I can't believe it has been two weeks since I have posted...

I feel like I haven't stopped typing about myself and our lives in the past two weeks! We are almost finished with all of our homestudy documents. The questionnaire is now 34 pages and we still have about 6 questions to finish. Then I need to revise and check it all like an English teachers since most of it has been answered very "stream of consciousness". We are still waiting for a little bit of paperwork to come in the mail... previous marriage licences, Mr. D.'s college transcripts... etc... and we still need to do to the city jail to be fingerprinted. Then, we will take a 5 hour road trip to far of small town to drop off this tick binder of info. Then... we wait for the actual homestudy visit.

In the past two weeks we have told our families and many of our friends what our plans are. They have all been very supportive and are very excited for us. I have spent hours in my traditional OCD type A personality googling baby furniture and cloth diapers... but there is no way I have the guts to actually purchase anything... I guess that is what infertility does to you. Mr. D. and I also ventured into the mysterious Babies!RUs to see what all the fuss is about... and honestly I almost had an anxiety attack. I was totally overwhelmed. So I think I will wait until we are a little closer to an actual child before I make actual purchases.

There are 12 days of school left and then Mr. D. and I will get out of town around June 4h for our annual vacation. We are going to visit my mom in North Carolina and then back to the beach condo for a restful week. I start teaching again on June 19th... I am directing a theatre camp for 10 days and then teaching technical theatre a a different camp until July 10th... so the first half of my summer will be very busy.. which is why we wanted to get all this paperwork stuff done before school is out.

OK... That is my update for now. I am off to work a 14 hour day at school for the next two days because we have our final performances of the year the next two nights!

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great week.

A brand new type of day 1...

2008-04-30T17:20:00.006-08:00

Today we signed and mailed out our first adoption paperwork and sent in our first $1500 to Agency #1... the small agency 5 hours away. We are now working on all the homestudy paperwork and gathering all the financial records and all the other stuff that you have to do. My fingers are tired from typing up all the homestudy questions the last few days but I wanted to check in and let you know that we are officially in a line.

I am planning a longer post later this week... but I just wanted to check in and make a little "record" of our lovely morning.

On the way to work I stopped at the CVS for a pregnancy test... watch one line appear as I drove to the post office and mailed in this first step... and that was the very beginning.

Making room for new dreams...

2008-04-27T06:13:00.003-08:00

We are signing with an adoption agency this week. It is becoming more real every day... we are working on home study questions and I have begun to pull together the mounds of paperwork that will hopefully prove that we are worthy to love and raise a child of our own.

There will be more about the whole process to come. But for the last few days there has been something on my mind. I feel like it is time I let some dreams go to make room for new moments... so with you as my witnesses I am going to say goodbye to a few dreams that I have had for myself. Although we never know what the future holds... for now I am letting these things go so they can be replaced by new dreams that perhaps I have never even thought of

Goodbye to the dream of...

Watching the two pink lines appear on the pregnancy test

Getting to be the one that lets Mr. D. in on the secret that we are expecting a baby.

Having the first ultra sound and having Mr. D. hold my hand while we hear our babies heart beating for the first time.

Telling our parents in some uber-creative way that they are going to be grandparents... mine for the first time.

Announcing on my blog that I am pregnant and having all my reader friends congratulate me and support me through the scary parts.

Standing in front of the thousands of pregnancy books at Barnes and Nobel trying to figure out which one or three or ten to buy.

Finding out what "pregnancy pops" actually taste like.

Having my husband baby me like crazy and tell me not to lift things.

watching my baby bump grow each day.

Showing people my utrasound pictures of my little blob!

Craving weird foods and trying to guess what that means for the baby growing inside me.

Bitching about all my pregnancy symptoms.

Putting a pregnancy ticker on my blog.

Shopping for super cute maternity clothes with my mom.

Feeling the first flutters of movement in my belly.

Having Mr. D. touch my belly to feel our baby.

Having strangers want to rub my tummy.

Finding out the gender of our baby and picking out nursery colors based on a sonogram.

Having people want to be nice to me just because I am pregnant, swollen and grumpy.

Random people sharing their birth stories with me.

Drinking some sort of sticky orange flavored stuff and taking blood tests.

Having a 3D ultrasound.

Having a baby shower wearing a cute blue or pink maternity dress and balancing my plate on my tummy while people guess how huge I am with squares of toilet paper.

Going to classes to teach you how to breathe.

Looking at Mr. D. and saying "I think it's time..."

Joining the millions of women who have birthed a child and joining " the club."

Being proud of myself that my body "did what it was designed to do".

Having my baby place on my chest immediately after being born and sobbing.

Mr. D. cutting the cord.

Looking down at our child and saying "she looks just like.... (me, you, my mom, your niece..." )

I am saying goodbye to the fantasies today. I am officially making room for new things to come into my life.

*** I know that many of these things may seem unpleasant or mundane to many of you who have had a child... please please don't feel the need to say things like "maternity clothes never fit well" or "you are so lucky not to have to go through morning sickness"... because actually I wanted every single one of the experiences that come from being pregnant... good and bad. Those are the moments that you are somehow being prepared to become a mother... moments where your body is reminding you of what is to come... moments where you feel the life growing inside you. It is very sad for me to give up these moments and I grieve them. But, we are making the decision and the choice to move past that pain and step toward creating our family in a different way.

Thanks for being my witnesses.

What would you choose?

2008-04-17T05:25:00.003-08:00

Update... OMG! You have got to check out my comments to this one. I can't imagine what in the world set this woman off... but wow... I haven't had a troll like this is a loooong time. It always surprizes me when people who don't know me, my relationships, my family, and my religious beliefs find is so easy to judge me. I know I put my thoughts and feelings out in the world... so I have to be prepared for people to comment... but holy shit... does anyone deserve to be so harshly judged as this "christian" woman has done to me?... especially on a subject so benign as this one.

So... Here goes... Whatever lady. You don't know me or my life and certainly not my relationship with God. As a 24 year old very fertile woman you have never experienced the pain and frustration that I have to endure over almost 5 years of infertility. Someday, when life is crashing down around you you will remember this moment of callousness and hurtfulness that you caused with your "Godly" words of wisdom and you will whisper an apology to the fertile woman out there who you judged with your fundamentalist hatefulness... because as the bible reminds us... you will reap what you have sewn today. Someday, maybe soon, you will remember your words and regret them. And I want you to remember at that moment, when you are in despair over whatever karma hands to you, that on this day... I forgave you... because I am a Christian and the loving, generous, faithful, and kind God I believe in would want me to.

Please don't ever post here again.

How do people make this decision??? Can you help me think?

Agency #1
small agency - 5 hours away

No one has ever had to wait more than 12 months for their baby

semi-open... (updates to birth mother but no identifying info unless both parties agree)

agency matches parent and birth mother... birth mother does not choose

You get a call when there is a baby available... once the baby is born...

baby may be mixed race, Hispanic, or Caucasian with possible drug use or smoking during preg.

Takes on only 10 couples at a time... so it is more of a "numbers game" When you are in the #1 slot you are basically in line for the "next baby".

Agency believes that God will provide the "right" baby for the parents

You are given the "right" to turn down a child if you don't feel it is the baby for you... no penalty... you stay in the #1 slot until you get a child.

$19,750 flat fee for adoption... "as long as that takes"

Agency #2
huge agency in large city 20 minutes away

18 - 24 month wait

open adoption - encouraged to continue some sort of relationship with the birth mother

birth mother chooses parents.... through photos, information, & interviews

You can be chosen by the birth mother at any time... "go through pregnancy" with the birth mother

You must be open to (a) a baby that is full African American (B) documented drug use in birth mother, or (C) documented mental issues with one birth parent... if you are open to 2 of the above you may get a child sooner

Has "many" waiting families... you wait until a birth mother chooses you.

If you choose not to accept a child at birth then you have to wait until another birth mother chooses you

$150 interview fee, $400 adoption classes, $1200 home study fee, $17,000 adoption fee + any medical expenses that the birth mother may have (if uninsured and not on medicaid.)

I need advice... I am so scared to be "lost" in a big agency just out for $$$$ but I am scared of "scams" that you hear about from smaller agencies. I have had Lawyer Jen check out both agencies and both seem to be on the up and up and free of complaints file against them (I lourve you Jen!!!)

If anyone lives in my North Texas area and has experience with adoption please leave me a message about what you did... or I would be happy to send you the web addresses and let you check out the sites (I just didn't think it was a good idea to post it here.)

Love to everyone. Sorry I have been so quiet... just making plans and doing a little research... plus March is my craziest time at work!!!

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Tragic

2008-03-12T05:37:00.003-08:00

This morning about 15 miles from my house a mother threw her two children off an overpass into oncoming morning traffic and then jumped... I am sure it will be all over the news tonight. Right now they are saying all three survived... but their condition is unknown at this time.

It is horrifing.
I am so sick about it.

How can a mother do this?

I want children so bad and someone out there, 15 miles from my house, doesn't.

why?

Why? Why? Why?

WHY???

In other words...

2008-03-08T04:07:00.003-09:00

Sorry for the uber-dramatic last post...
I really am ok.

I just don't exactly know how to take the next step... which I think it adoption.

I will see my doctor on Monday for the first time since November... I need and annual visit and I need him to either refill my Met or take me off of it... I actually think that it is doing pretty good things for my body so I like it. I also am getting my Lexapro refilled (which, by the way, has been a saving grace for me). I will sort of discuss the "next steps" with him.... which should be surgery or IVF if I were to continue with my fertility options.

It is so easy to get sidetracked during the school year from making any decisions... I am so busy... and tired... and the holidays... and my work productions... that it is easy to just put things on hold year after year... but I think it is time. I think this is our summer to make the hard decisions... so please keep Mr. D. and I in your prayers.

OK... just wanted you to know that I am not going to be jumping off any bridges... today. :)

BFN.

2008-03-06T04:40:00.003-09:00

Not pregnant...
Sunday, March 2 was cd 1.

Very busy at work.
Personally... sort of feeling like I am back in a hole.
Depression sneaks back in...
Just trying to hold my head above water right now.

Things will ease up at work in a couple of weeks... so that should help.
Just hanging on... by my fingertips.

The closet renovations

2008-02-01T18:20:00.000-09:00

The office closet AKA... Mr. D.'s closet!

The pictures don't do the work justice! It sort of just loks like we put a piece of furniture in the closet... but it was so much more work that that!!! We painted the walls a nice pumpkin color to match the office and then added all the racks in addition to putting that drawer ststem together. It really doubled our space.. at least! See the folder on the closet door... that is the very beginnings of an adoption file... it has been hanging there since August... but there are some actual forms in there... waiting...

Next... The Guest bedroom AKA... someday a child's bedroom.

I wanted to show the room... even though we didn't have to do any renovations in it. It is painted a lovely shade of lilac and is so calming... everyone just loves it! But since we don't know the gender of the child that will someday live in this room, we painted the inside of the closet a cheery yellow... so it is like a breath of sunshine when you open the doors.

We installed shelving on the side... so far it is home to my collection of children's book's and my sewing machine... there are actually three rods for clothes... one is very high (up where the pillows are now) for out of season stuff. There are 3 big drawers and 2 small ones and then 3 shelves behind the cabinet doors.

Mr. D. and I really worked together on this closet. I needed to do something that made me feel like there was hope... I thought a lot about the child that would someday live in that room... I said quiet prayers as I painted the yellow walls... I imagined hanging tiny clothes and putting away toys... As I put away my book collection I imagined reading each one aloud someday for the "first" time. Despite infertility... and despite the fact that we are sort of at a crossroads... I just had to do something... Something to make me feel like we are moving forward. Before we childproofed the cabinet Mr. D. and I thought long and hard about something to write on the wall right behind the cabinet. Mr. D. came up with the perfect note to leave for our someday child.

We loved you before we knew you.

Love, Mommy & Dad

cd 1... again

2008-01-31T05:11:00.000-09:00

This time my cycle was exactly 28 days.... in fact I was totally surprised this morning when I woke up and had started... I didn't even have the chance to be hopeful this month... which I guess is kind of good.

I have never not posted for and entire cycle... I have thought about posting everyday... but I am finding I have less and less to say. Since I am not doing any treatments I don't have much to talk about. I have seen this happen to many a blogger... it is like they slowly fade away. In fact the first several blogs listed on my blogroll haven't posted in months. But I don't want to be like that... If I end my blog I want to end it... not just string people along. But lately... well for a long time... I have felt like I have very little to say about my own fertility.

I have no plan... There are things rolling around my head... more adoption meetings... a laporoscopy... another IUI... but nothing is jumping out at me as the thing to do. I think it will be adoption... I think I am done with treatment... but I am still sorting it all out on my head and with my husband. I am in the process of giving up a dream and that (for me) is a long and very hard process. I think about it all the time... but it is overwhelming. It is sad. It is frustrating. But this is the road we are on and as soon as we agree on the next step we will take it.

In more postive news... work is fine... Mr. D. is great. Our latest projects have been to renovate our extra bedroom closet to make it kid ready and child friendly and to do the same to the office closet. We did it kind of Cal.ifor.nia Clo.sets style... but we did all the instalation ourselves. We painted the insides of both closets... put up the armior type thing with shelves and drawers... added shelves and racks and wow what a difference... I think we increased the room by about 3 times! Maybe this weekend I will post some pics... if anyone is interested.

OK... that is my update... hope there are still people out there. I will try to do better at posting...

cd 1...

2008-01-03T05:13:00.000-09:00

I was late... by 5 days... I never tested... but I was becoming very hopeful.

One more IUI either this month or next.

Then what? Who knows.

Back to school today... back to the gym... back to infertility.

Happy New Years!

2007-12-30T17:39:00.000-09:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR KIDS! Hope you are still out there somewhere...

I promise an update soon... but pretty much everything is still the same... I haven't tested yet but with the way my lower back is aching I would expect cd 1 tomorrow on New Years Eve... hopefully that is not a sign....

If you are still out there please post me a line... I am beginning to worry that my lack of posting has lost me some friend... or it may just be that I have started to run out of things to say... so many bloggers have disappeared this year... oh well that is another subject!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE... or to at least the two or three that still pop in...

XXOO!

1) Where did you begin 2007?
Hanging out with friends and of course my sweet husband... playing games and eating great food.

2) What was your status on New years day?
Married... teaching high school... excited to direct at "big fancy theatre"... unpregnant... about the same as now.

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
yes... every freaking day!!! But at least I get to decide what we do each day... It is good to be the queen.

4) How did you earn your money?
Teaching... directed 2 shows... and actually performed in a show at "big fancy theatre."

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Not the hospital... but I did spend a lot of time at the doctor... with my feet in the stirrups!

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
no... I am pretty boring!

7) Where did you go on holidays?
Orlando and Seaside, Florida

8) What did you purchase that was over $1,000?
Well... my major fertility treatments were running about $800 a month... so there is that... we also went on a 16 day vacation, I got a great new car (a 2007 Hyundai Tucson), and most recently a new washer and dryer....

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
can't remember.. we didn't attend any weddings.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Not besides Pavarotti & Robert Goulette... Mr. D. mourned for days.

12) Did you move anywhere?
no... thank goodness.. we love out home!

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
We saw a good amount of theatre this year... I finally saw THE LION KING after avoiding it forever. I thought the 5 person Romeo and Juliet I saw was INCREDIBLE... I also really enjoyed The Pillow Man.

15) Are you registered to vote?
I will be when it counts.

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
First Eric... but when he got kicked off then the crazy dad with the bitchy daughter... and he did. (I know I am a nerd).

17) Where do you live now?
at my house :)

18) Describe your birthday?
36... on my ACTUAL birthday I was in rehearsals. I got a new supercool bluetooth radio for my car and some time at the Coldwater Creeek Spa!!!! .... Later I had a sweet party with some friends... played Mexican Train... ate cake... the usual.

19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
I rode THE HULK roller coaster at Universal Studios all by myself! I got to direct at the Casa Playhouse (that was a full circle kind of thing for me). And... not to be pathetic or depressing... but I did "offically" venture into the world of "assisted reproduction"... which sucks.

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Spending a long beach vacation with my husband... just the two of us!

21) What's something you learned about yourself?
That I am stronger that I thought I was... but that I sometimes need to ask for help.. and that is ok.

22) Any new additions to your family?
No (way to rub it in)... but my bff had her second baby in March.

23.) What was your best month?
June... out of school and on the road!

24.) Any surgeries, and if so, on what?
Not exactly surgeries... more like "proceedures"

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Andy!

26) Made new friends?
Yes!!!

27) New best friend?
no

28) Favorite Night out?
there were several... hard to choose just one!

29) Did you find love?
More love than I can tell!

30) What was your proudest moment?
Realizing that I COULD direct people over 18! And that I COULD direct my husband!

12 months about me!

2007-12-07T19:41:00.000-09:00

12 months about me!

Got this on myspace... thought it was fun! Now it is your turn!

♥JANUARY♥
1. Who kissed you on New Years? Mr. D... and friends Ric, Patrick, & Frank!
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? nope... I don't like resolutions!
3. Does it snow where you live? sometimes it sleets and we pretend it is snow.
4. Do you like hot chocolate?.. yum! With whipped cream and marshmallows!
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No... we planned it for our honeymoon but that was 2001... the year of 9/11... and we didn't feel ready to go to NYC yet.

♥FEBRUARY♥
1. Who was your Valentine? My hubby
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class? Yes... I think it was mandatory
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? no... I don't get that whole thing
4. What did you receive for Valentines Day? My husband renovated my closet and painted it a beautiful green apple color and added a chandelier... and...gorgeous red tulips, Godiva chocolates, a good smelling candle from Whole Foods, a cherry chili pepper dark chocolate bar, and some lovely bath salts!
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day? I can't even remember... dinner for my husband??? Who knows... I know I did something... but what????
♥MARCH♥
1. Are you Irish?a little... that is where my last name comes from..
2.Do you like corned beef and cabbage? no!!!!
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007? Probably in a UIL OAP rehearsal
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? oh yes!!! It means summer break is just around the corner!

♥APRIL♥
1. Do you like the rain? no
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year? no... this day makes me really paranoid!
3. Do you get tons of candy for Easter? I got a "beach vacation" themed Easter basket... complete with a new swimsuit, towel, and sunglasses.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? no... well.. only once or twice...
5. Do you love the month of April? not my favorite.. I never know how to dress or if I need a jacket that day.

♥MAY♥
1. What is your favorite flower? roses and hydrangeas
What happened to 2 ?????
3. Finish the phrase “April showers…” bring May flowers!
4. Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day? uhm... no.
5. Is May anything special to you? My hubby's b-day is on the 26th... that makes it special.. and getting out of school!!!!

♥JUNE♥
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school? 1990
2. Did you do anything fun during this Month? Big vacation in Seaside, Florida and Orlando!!!
3. Have a favorite baseball team? no!!!!

♥JULY♥
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? Went swimming and then watched fireworks on top of the Gaylord Hotel with my hubby and our puppy!
2. Did you go to the fireworks? heck yeah... we never miss them!
3. Did you blast the A/C all day? I'm sure we did... it was like 104 that day

♥AUGUST♥
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer? I was in Cinderella at Bass Hall... that was fun
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘07? spending days on the beach with my husband
3. Did you have a sunburn? I don't burn much... I'm Italian!
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? yes!

♥SEPTEMBER♥
1. Will you be attending college/school? teaching school...uggghh
2. Do you like fall better than summer? No
3. Plan on anything to happen this month? Not really... we did our first IUI to try to get pregnant.. didn't work.

♥OCTOBER♥
1. What was your last Halloween costume? Dorothy from Wizard of Oz... that was like 7 years ago!
2. What is your favorite candy? twizzlers and chocolate
3. What was your favorite thing(s) about this month? I love Halloween!

♥NOVEMBER♥
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? mine!
2. What are you thankful for? my family and friends
3. Do you love stuffing? yum. yes!

♥DECEMBER♥
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe? yes!!!
3. Get anything special last year? my puppy Truman!
4. What do you want this year? I would like to finally get pregnant and have a baby! So cross your fingers for us!

Now All You Have To Do Is Repost This As “12 Months About Me

cd 2...

2007-12-04T04:52:00.000-09:00

Well (surprise!) AF arrived on cd 25 for some odd reason. I guess that is a good thing... it saved me 4-6 days of waiting and pushed my next cycle up so it would not mean and iui right at Christmas. Now I have 1 day to decided what I want to do... If we don't skip this month then I need to see my nurse tomorrow for an u/s and start clomid on Thursday... iui would be scheduled for around the 18th. I have to talk to Mr. D. about what he thinks we should do... but I feel like this will be our last iui until we decide what the next step is... possible lap... or moving on to adoption... or something else...

I didn't really feel like thinking of all this right now... but we can't ignore AF... now can we?

cd...????

2007-12-01T05:06:00.000-09:00

Well.. well.. well... look who decided to write a blog after over two weeks! I apologise for the time lapse... but I have been so incredibly busy with school and my moonlighting that I have barely found time to do anything else!

Would you believe that I am still sick??? I am still hacking away and taking cough medicine after a whooping 5 weeks! I started feeling this cold about a week before Halloween!!!!! have been to the doctor twice & done a round of antibiotics! This week I do seem at least to finally be getting a bit better. The doctor thinks it is all allergy related that turned into an upper respiratory and sinus infections since I never ran a fever. So hopefully I am at the tail end of this. I have never been sick for so long in my life!

We had a lovely thanksgiving with my brother, aunt and uncle at my house. I went to Centr.al Market and got the entire turkey dinner there... all we had to do was cook it for 2 hours and warm all the sides! It was perfect! I felt so stressed about "warming" everything properly that I can't even imagine those of you that cook all this stuff from scratch... Kudos to you... for me it was a big accomplishment to warm up everything right!

On Friday after Thanksgiving (while most of you were shopping) I opened my big kids show of FROSTY THE SNOW.MAN at the theatre I moonlight for. The papers reviewed it and called it a "must see" and "adorable" so I am happy... it runs through December 23... but as for my part as the director I am done... I will see the show a couple more times before it closes (because my hubby is in it) but other than that I am on to the next project.

At school we open our next show on Wednesday... I am the technical director and my co-teacher directed. So I will be in rehearsals all weekend to make sure it is ready to go on Wednesday. So I have another crazy week ahead.

I have no idea when I will Christmas shop... I will probably do what I usually do... knock it all out in one 8 hours shopping and wrapping frenzy. I have no clue what anyone wants (including myself) and I just wish people would give out lists!!!

As for ttc.... basically we have not. I mean not even tried. We were supposed to try right at Thanksgiving but both of us were so busy or so tired or so sick that we didn't. So if there was an egg it was wasted. I am thinking about doing another clomid cycle as soon as AF comes (probably next week) and I am also thinking of skipping another cycle and waiting until January.

So that is it... my last two weeks in a nutshell. I will try to post more often. Thanks for being concerned about me! I still visit your blogs every day... even when I don't have the chance to post! Miss you all!

cd 1

2007-11-08T04:16:00.000-09:00

blah....

I have some thinking to do...

Today is cd 1. I saw the doctor yesterday and I have a sinus infection and bronchitis. Nothing to serious but I am on antibiotics for the next 10 days and they gave me some heavy duty night time cough medicine with codeine (yay!). So hopefully I will be feeling normal again soon...

Of course AF started today... which means I have to decide what I am going to do this cycle. That would mean a doctor appointment tomorrow and that means cd 14 (and possible IUI) would fall right on Thanksgiving. I know... that sucks. I also have to factor in that I will be on antibiotics for the first 10 days of my cycle... although the doctor assured me that it was ok. I could just save the approx. $875 this month and try au natural. I am inclined to skip this month because of all the holidays and the show I start directing on Saturday. Life really gets in the way of all this infertility stuff.... It just sucks ass. I feel like I never know what the next step is... and that is really frustrating... I guess I could just ask to do a clomid only cycle and you know... have sex... What do you guys think???

I did have a very nice birthday. My mom sent me a lovely necklace and a check to go shopping. My brother called and sang happy birthday to me, my co-teacher bought me some lavender crocs... which I looove!!! My students gave me cards and flowers, a Starbucks gift card and my varsity class even had a cake for me! My dad forgot to call... (typical) my brother called him at 9:30 last night to "remind" him about my birthday (at my request)... and then he called... I just didn't want it to be awkward when he realized that he missed my birthday (again).... he never knew that I was behind the "reminder call". My wonderful husband had a really nice stereo system put into my new car... it has bluetooth and a jack for my mp3 player along with all the other bells and whistles that I don't understand yet. He also have me a spa certificate that I can't wait to use on a massage as soon as I stop coughing. His card was so beautiful... it was white and silver with Cinderella's carriage on the front... so so pretty.

Off to work... I have some decisions to make about this cycle.

why can't this be easy?

I can't believe I'm 36...

2007-11-07T04:25:00.000-09:00

Happy Birthday to me...
I am officially 36.

I am still sick... need to go to a doctor... My cough is getting so bad I am not sleeping.

BFN this morning at 17 dpo... with a digital.

But... I am still in a good mood.

Just a quiet good mood.

Happy Halloween!!!!!

2007-10-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

Here is my very own made from scratch Halloween survey!

POST THIS ON YOUR BLOG OR YOU WILL HAVE ALL KINDS OF CREEPY SCAREY HALLOWEEN-ISH THINGS CRAWLING OVER YOU TONIGHT AT EXACTLY MIDNIGHT!!!!!

Bwahhahahahaha.......

Favorite Halloween Costume as a Kid: Snow White in kindergarten... my grandma made it and paid attention to every detail! I still have it!

Do you go out on Halloween or stay home? We stay in and make chili and wait for the millions of trick or treaters.

Funniest Costume - Probably Cruella DeVille... I made my ex be a giant dalmatian!

Ever won a costume contest? I have won two. Once I won a THOUSAND dollars in a bar for my Jackie Kennedy & JFK... it was tasteless... it involved a perfect likeness for both of us... and a head wound... a THOUSAND people! The other time was with Greg and we won $500 for Sexy Little Red and a very bare big bad wolf.

Do your pets dress up for Halloween?
duh... watch the slide show!

Are you dressing up this year? I have a fancy witches hat I will wear at school... but other than that I will just be in my Sinister Sweet Candy Factory T-shirt and an orange sweater.

Favorite Halloween Candy - Twizzlers... and anything chocolate.

Halloween Traditions?
Watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"... eating chili and frito pie!

Candy or Caramel Apples? Caramel with nuts and chocolate chips.. on yummy granny smith apples!

Do you like candy corn? No way!!!! Disgusting!

Is Halloween a major holiday at your house? Yes!!! It is probably my favorite next to Christmas.

Worst Halloween - When I was 9 my mom went religious zealot on us... instead of trick or treating we went to "Hallelujah Night" at church. We got to dress up like our favorite bible character!!! All the girls were Mary! I was Moses' sister and I carried a babydoll in a basket... no one had a clue who I was... and they wouldn't let you be any of the fun girls like Delilah or Jezibel... cause you know I would've... My brother and I still give my mom a hard time about that one.

Feel free to add to this survey... and pass it on!!!

Have a Happy Halloween!!!!
xxoo,
Jamie

cd 24

2007-10-30T04:13:00.000-08:00

This is my 400th post.
wow.

I don't really have much to say... I have been sick with allergies / a bad cold since last Wednesday. I don't feel bad enough to stay home from work... but I have just been out of it and not able to sleep at night because of the congestion.

On Saturday my brother and I spent the day at my dad's house and visited with my aunt and uncle and my Dad and his wife. We carved pumpkins which I will "reveal" tomorrow... for those of you who are new... I am a pumpkin carving freak! You can check out the last 3 Octobers for my "work" and the work of dear Mr. D....

Sunday... I just laid around and napped.

Yesterday I went to work... blah blah blah... it is really hard to be patient with the kids when you don't feel well. Today will probably be the same... I guess if this icky-ness hangs on much longer I will need to get to a doctor.

I will be on my own tomorrow for Halloween... Mr. D. has rehearsal until 9... this stinks because Halloween is one of my favorite holidays... I love making a big pot of chili and waiting for the trick or treaters... I have all my full size candy bars ready... But it won't be the same without my hubby. My brother may be coming over and my bff and her family (if the kids get over their sickness!) This time of year in Texas is so strange... the weather is incredible... 75 and beautiful and EVERYONE is sick! I am really looking forward to the first freeze to kill off all the junk in the air.

Well that is it! I will try to have some Halloween pics for you tomorrow!

PS... I could test this weekend... but I really have no plans... not really feeling anything out of the ordinary.

cd 17

2007-10-22T04:07:00.000-08:00

Fall is here!

We had a very busy weekend... babysitting for a friend...IUI... pet fair... museum... dinner with friends... pumpkin patch... movies... and lots of errands! I can't believe it is already Monday! Here are some fall pics for you! I am off to work!

cd 14... updated...

2007-10-19T14:53:00.000-08:00

Saw the nurse today...

I had 2 B-I-G follies... 26 & 28.
Triggered today... the injection site is mega sore!
IUI Saturday morning at 8 AM... so much for sleeping in!

Wish us luck... here we go again.

Saturday...
IUI is done.
It kind of hurt this time... mainly the speculum positioning part...
19 million sperm and 2 eggs.
Now all we do is have more sex and then.... 2ww.

cd 12...

2007-10-17T04:16:00.000-08:00

I feel like I haven't posted in forever... even though it has only been a week! Today is cd 12... I see the nurse on Friday cd 14 to see what has grown this month... then we will decide when to trigger (I am guessing on Sunday or Monday) and the 24 hours later... IUI #2.

I am a little embarrassed when I read my last post because the show was a huge success! The play was about a little boy who contracted the AIDS virus after a blood transfusion in 1985. The kids told his story so eloquently and with such compassion. I am so proud of them! We tied the production to a charity for local children who are infected with and affected by HIV and AIDS... our goal was to give 100% of our concessions money and accept donations... and we hope to meet our goal of $500 to donate. BUT... the play touched so many hearts that by the time we counted the money in our red collection buckets we had raised $1200! All this because of a small cast and crew doing a little show 5 times in a 100 seat Black Box theatre. I am so proud!

In other news... I got a new car this week!

My car had 99,698 miles on it and was a 1999 Hyundai Tiburon and since I got some money from an inheritance to pay off my credit card debts we decided to try to sell my car and get a new one around Christmas.... however I sent out an email at school and another teacher bought it in 24 hours for her son... So... I got to get a new car this week... a 2007 Hyundai Tucson. This picture is from a website of a light grey one but mine is a dark charcoal grey color! When it stops raining I will take a picture with it outside... but fall rainy weather hit the day I picked it up and hasn't let up.

OK... That is it! I am off to work. I will keep you posted on the folly growth on Friday!

cd 5

2007-10-10T04:05:00.000-08:00

Today is cd 5. I will start clomid this afternoon. The plan is a 2nd IUI this month. I haven't seen my nurse for my day 2 or 3 scan because of the holiday then school things then nurse out of town... so I will go tomorrow morning at 7:30 to make sure everything looks fine to start the clomid (that I already started the day before). This period has been normal so I think that I am ok to start. I am trying again to be positive about this cycle... but I still feel a little like a deflated balloon.

My show previews tonight. The kids have worked really hard... but for some reason I am disappointed in the way the show has come out. It is just not "there" yet. I am not sure what isn't clicking and I am trying to have faith that they just need the energy that the audience brings to them. But it is a focus thing... like sometimes their faces just look blank when they are talking instead of filled with the emotion and energy that the play demands. I am using several new actors and for many this is their first time on stage... plus I have also used some that are "really dedicated" but not "really naturally talented". The process has been pleasant and painless... but I just don't feel like the show is ready today for an audience.... and that is disappointing as a director. I need to just say "it is what it is." and help them have a great experience running their show... but I feel like I was a little to hard on them last night after our final dress rehearsal and I hope I haven't taken away some of their excitement to do the show. I hope I made them feel that they can turn this show around tonight and not like it is hopeless... I guess it is the tightrope that coaches face.... Anyway... cross your fingers and wish us "break a leg!"

The next few days will be so busy... I still have a ton to do like finish the programs, hang up their headshots, get the lobby ready, get the money for the cash box... and about a million other things before tonight..... I just wanted to give a quick post to let you know we are on to IUI #2... cross you fingers for that too.

cd 36... aka... cd 1.

2007-10-05T04:39:00.000-08:00

Updated to add... Friday -10:30 PM... talking to Mr. D.... shockingly big gush... ran to restroom... CD 1.

I am here... I am ok.

Thank you for all the kind words... it really feels nice to have so many of you out there for me when things get hard. Besides my husband, my mom, and my bff there are not any other people in my life who seem to understand how disappointing a failed iui cycle can be. So thank you.

It is cd 36 and I am still showing no signs of AF... I have retested... do we know it is a real BFN... so now we wait. After 8 months off the IF drugs my period had returned to normal and the who time without meds AF showed between cd 28 and 30. So that is frustrating. I am a little worried that I may have developed a big cyst again... since that has happened twice on clomid and I have had to go on bcp's to shrink it. So I would hope that AF shows normally in the next day or so so we can move on to iui #2.

Speaking of iui #2... the depression over not being pregnant is closely followed by the realization of the $800 - $1000 that has disappeared from my bank account. The morning after my BFN I walked around my house thinking about all the tangible things that I could have purchased with that money... things that I would still have. It is not because I would rather have "things" instead of a baby... it is because I feel like I just flushed the money down the toilet. I feel guilty about "losing" that money... in addition to the thousands... probably close to the tens of thousands that I have spent on treatments that our insurance doesn't cover over the past 5 years. I know it is not about the money when you are finally holding your baby... I am just telling you the cycle I have been in the past week. Just feeling irresponsible with money and feeling wasteful. Does everyone have these feelings?

I must add in now that I am so grateful that we have a lifestyle that allows us to have the extra money to try iui with... but we don't have so much money that it doesn't hurt to lose it. It wasn't money that took food off our table or forced us to lose a car or a house... it is from and inheritance that we recently received. An amount of money that could change our lives significantly if we were not looking at spending it all (plus some) on fertility treatments or adoption. Although this money has come at a great time for us... a time where we actually may spend it to get our family... it also makes me angry at myself that this money has to be scrimped and saved to pay for something that most women's bodies (especially meth and crack addicts and teenagers) seem to do for free. Feeling the loss of this money after one iui cycle sort of confirms that I don't know if ivf is for me. I just don't know if I can "roll the dice" on $10,000 - $12,000. Even having access to the money to do ivf doesn't make it any easier to consider taking that step... and it is not "just" the money thing... there is more that I am not sure of... but spending the money on a failed iui cycle would make me feel guilty that I blew money that my husband and I could use to make our lives better... that adoption might be a better path for us... because you actually get a baby at the end of the road... even if it is a $20,000 road. I just can imagine how I would feel after 2 failed ivf's and after blowing through a lot of money and having nothing left.

Some people might think this post is selfish... that you should be willing to do anything to have your own biological baby... But I feel it is selfish to blow money on something that has a less than 50% guarantee that you will actually get a baby in return. Would you be able to walk into a car dealership with money, hand it to them, and have a 50% chance that you will actually get a car? I don't know... these are just random things that are rattling around in my head while waiting for AF after my first failed iui.

I have a lot of thinking to do.
Thanks again for being there for me.

very sad...

2007-09-30T04:59:00.000-08:00

7:00 am... fmu.
Not pregnant.
13 dpIUI.

Not much more to say.

cd 27

2007-09-28T04:24:00.000-08:00

Today I am either 10 or 11 dpo. I have honestly not felt the urge to test and will probably wait until Sunday or Monday. I have 1 pregnancy test in the house and so far it is not even calling my name... and I have no plans to buy more... unless I test and get a positive... then... I will probably by 100 more and test every 3-5 minutes.

Saw the nurse on Tuesday for a progesterone blood draw and it was 58... so that is very good since over 10 means you ovulated. I told the nurse about my sore cervix/ insides and she said it is probably not my cervix but my ovaries that are probably sore from all the hard work they did this month. It has mostly eased up now... and always just felt like muscle soreness or bruising... but way way deep inside.

As far as symptoms... nothing really. I have felt extremely tired since I got the hcg shot and that has not changed. I am bloated... but that is expected with progesterone and a thick lining... Other than that all is normal... no sore boobs... not peeing a lot... So we'll see.... Oh yeah... I am still fighting this major hunger... stupid hormones!

I am still working out... but the scale is moving up a little... so I don't think I will be out of the 150's this week. I have been eating like crap so that doesn't help... but I have still been to the gym every day and I feel great about the commitment I have made to doing that.

Big plans this weekend include shopping! I have some savings card for The Loft so I will go and see how close I am to squeezing into a size 8 pant. I also need to pick up some makeup (my face is like a pizza right now... thanks hormones!) and I am thinking about picking up some Crocs... I know they are hideously ugly... but I tried on a friends and they were soooo comfy... the perfect "after school" directing shoe... I think I want yellow or lavender... but I am not sure. I also have to shop for a ton of props for our upcoming show... I hate shopping for props on my weekend... but since I am at the gym each day during my conference period... I guess it is the only time I can do it. I also plan to color my greys... workout for an hour on Saturday and Sunday... do a yoga class on Sunday (after working out)... sleep A LOT, and maybe... get a massage... maybe... but I might skip it to work in more sleeping time.

My next 2 weeks are going to be intense getting this show opened... So posts may be slim...

BUT... if and when I test... you will be the first to know.

cd 22

2007-09-23T05:37:00.000-08:00

Not a lot to report. Still feeling a bit "full" in the tummy. The soreness is almost gone but every once in a while I feel a little twinge like a pulled muscle very low and deep inside.

I am still working out 5-6 times a week so that is making me feel great... hopefully late this week (if I control my eating better!) I will say goodbye to the 150's. But... it is hard because my appetite has been in full gear!

I had a really fun girl's night party at my house on Friday so that was fun... we caught up on gossip... payed our favorite competitive game of Mexican Train Domino's... which we started to fight off boredom during the looooong tech rehearsals for the show I did in the summer. My bff got to come and join in so that was fun... and we ate a lot of food!!! BAD food like homemade chicken pot pie and fried cheddar cakes.. and chips and dips.. and chocolate cake and ice cream (REAL ice cream!!!)... oh yeah... and I think there was a salad in there somewhere... Then around 1am we all headed for bed... One girl stayed the night... and we had more time in the AM to gab even more. It was really fun!

Yesterday was a long (and painful) with my students for an upcoming show at school. We are definitely at the "long and painful" stage of rehearsals... and we need to get out of that stage FAST! Today I have auditions for the professional show I am directing for Christmas at the big regional children's playhouse that I directed at before... The show is a new version of Frosty the Snowman... so if you have and fond memories and warm fuzzies about that story let me know.. it has never really been a favorite of mine... but maybe it will be after this process! The show starts rehearsals in November and opens the day after Thanksgiving... so hopefully if I am lucky enough to get knocked up this month it will be an uneventful and sick-less first trimester.. because I am about to be really swamped!

That is it for today! Hope everyone is doing well! I'll keep you posted.

I plan to wait to do an hpt until cd 30... which would be 14 dpo... do you think I can make it another 8 days without peeing on a stick????

cd 20...

2007-09-21T04:23:00.000-08:00

Is it normal that 4 days after the IUI I still feel bloated and a tiny bit sore? Not to be gross... but it feels like I am constipated or swallowed a bunch of rocks... but I am not constipated and as far as I know I haven't eaten any rocks.

Ever since the hcg shot I have been super hungry... is this normal? I have had hcg shots before and I don't remember feeling this way... but.. I wasn't dieting when I triggered before... so maybe I ate more and didn't notice it??? Also peeing more... or am I just drinking more water since I am dieting??? It is hard to know what is real and what my body is doing because of the hcg.

I am not taking my progesterone yet... The nurse asked me to wait until Tuesday morning when they draw blood because she wants to see what my progesterone is doing on its own. We will draw blood that morning and I will immediately start the lovely little yellow bullets of slime! Gross.

By my calculations and the help of this cool website... (OI Treatment) I think my eggs should be out of the tubes today or tomorrow (since we can "assume" I "o-ed" on Monday CD 16) and we could expect implantation in the next 4 days. I am trying to visualize a perfectly fertilized egg (or two) floating out of the tubes and implanting in my fluffy cotton candy lining. I know that my chances of getting pg this cycle (even with the IUI) is about 25-30%... but I am trying really hard to stay positive and think good thoughts.

Hope is creeping in guys... please save me from myself.

cd 17...

2007-09-18T04:30:00.000-08:00

The IUI is done. It was a painless procedure. Mr. D.'s count was 36 million... so as my bff said "that's 12 million per egg!" Mr. D. and I had fun joking around about triplets while I was upside down for 20 minutes after the procedure. About 1/2 through the upside down part I realized that I had to pee really bad (possible pressure on the bladder??) And even though my nurse assured me that I wasn't... I felt like I was peeing everything out 21 minutes after the IUI.

My doctors office is kind of strange about charging me for stuff... I can only assume the are trying to help me out... or they just forget to charge you fr stuff done on a weekend... anyway... I am very thankful for the break.

Here were my charges and not charges in case anyone is wondering about cost....
cd 2 u/s - not charged
clomid - $120
cd 11 u/s - $113
cd 15 u/s and hcg shot - not charged
cd 16 IUI and wash - $275
-----------------------------
so out of pocket that is $508
with a savings of about $$326 for the "not charges".

I did have some pretty severe cramping and general soreness last night (about 2-5 hours after the IUI. I was surprised about this since the IUI didn't really hurt. I have also been sooooo tired (the hcg in my system??) So I took and Aleve at 8 pm and was asleep by about 9.

So that is it... I am officially in the world of assisted reproduction.
Thank you all for the support... especially Jenn and Chaz.
And double especially to my online bff Jess! ILY!

cd 15... UPDATED

2007-09-14T16:36:00.000-08:00

Saw my nurse today... I thought it would be to trigger... but the eggs aren't quite cooked yet. I have 3 dominate follies and 1 right behind (18mm, 17mm, 17mm, & 14mm). The plan now is to wait until Sunday at 11:00 to trigger and then IUI on Monday at 4pm. So it looks like we will have 3 targets for sure! So that is good news. I am still using my (sucky) opk's and if I get a natural surge before Sunday I am supposed to call the nurse at home and she will meet me up at the office to do the IUI within 24 hours of the surge (without the trigger).

School is going well... the lexapro has really made such a difference in the way I feel. I am going to the gym 6 days a week and I am working very hard to get in to shape. I have lost 7 pounds and so I am back to 152. My goal is 135... who knows... maybe by Christmas... (providing I am not pg!)

Other than that everything is fine. I will spend all day tomorrow up at school with the kids for a "build day" for our upcoming show. The day is scheduled from 10am - 10pm... but the show is abstract and minimalistic... so it may not take that long.... but there are 3 huge backdrops to paint... so who knows...

That is it for now.. I will keep you posted on the status of the big "O".
(Remember when the big "O' was something else entirely???)

Update - Sunday - I had 3 good follicles today (24mm, 22mm, & 22mm). Got my trigger today at 11:00 and tomorrow we do the IUI at 4pm... any advice? I am sort of nervous and excited at the same time! I'll post tomorrrow.

cd 11

2007-09-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap. After 5 days of 100mg of clomid I went in today for my day 11 sono and blood work...

I have 15 follicles growing... FIFTEEN! Has anyone else ever had that many??? They range from 12mm -5mm. Hopefully two or three will become dominant and the others will fade away... because my doctor won't trigger me if there is more than 4 that are mature.. and then we can decide to do the IUI without the trigger, skip the IUI and just have sex, or just abstain because while we do want a baby or ever 2 babies... 4 is kind of out of the question.

So that is where we are... just waiting until Friday to see what grew...

Any suggestions?

My day 2 FSH was 5.9 and my E2 was also in the normal range...

I will post today's blood results when I get them.

I also think I am getting a yeast infection... can I use anything? Or will that kill sperm... I will call my nurse tomorrow... but if you know anything please post.

Wow... 15 follicles!

Happy Blogaversary to me...aka cd 1.

2007-08-31T16:56:00.000-08:00

Today is my third blogaversary. Most people would see this as a day to celebrate... but blogging for 3 long years about your infertility is not that cool. But, since that is the boat we are in... you might as well grab a cupcake and a bottle of vodka and a toast with me to three years of faithfully sharing the intimate details of the sucky-ist part of my life.

Not to be left out, AF did decide to come and congratulate me today on my 3 year blogaversary. (ironic huh...) I should mention that she came 3 days early just for the occasion. It is always lovely to feel that unexpected "womanly feeling" when you are standing in front of a classroom of teenagers wearing light colored pants. Luckily... I made it in time. Bitch.

Looking towards the future.... I will see my nurse tomorrow morning (yes.... Saturday... at 8-freaking AM... on a Sat-ur-day) for a day 2 blood test, a scan, and a prescription for double clomid (100mg). I will also do the clomaphine challenge again this cycle... it will be the 2nd time they have checked my FSH level... last year at this time it was still in a good range. And finally... in 2 weeks... an IUI. So this is a busy and wand filled month for my uterus... yipee!

My show at school is cast... so that is stress relieving. Now I just have to pray that all the kids stay eligible with their grades and that none of them are jerks and quit the show because they didn't get the role they wanted.

One cool thing today is that the lovely Kristin nominated me as a "Rockin' Girl Blogger". It is such and honor... sometimes I forget that their are actually real people out there pulling for me, supporting me, and sharing their lives on their blogs. What an awesome circle of girls we have to lean on. Thank God for you guys... you really do help me keep my sanity. I think the deal is that I get to nominate 5 friends now... but I am not sure... so for now I will bask in my nomination and before the weekend is up I will have some names for you!

OK... it is only 8 pm... and it is a Friday night... but I am ready to have another cupcake, take a fist full of Tylenol followed by a vodka chaser and go to bed... this first week of school has me wiped out... and my va-jay-jay has an early appointment tomorrow.

2007-08-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry it took me so long to post... School started 3 days ago and basically... it is kicking my ass.

The gala was incredible. We had so much fun! I thought the $10,000 tables were the most expensive... but guess what... some people paid $25,000 per freakin table!!! (And the tables were all the same!!!) It was strange to watch people bid during the auction... all in the name of charity... they would buy a trip to NYC for $12,000... or a new puppy for $3000... or jet fuel for ????... so so so different than the world I live in! The Mandy Patink!n concert was great. I mean he is a theatre legend... I watched him in a small concert setting sitting on the 6th row!!!! During cocktail hour they had a Van Kliborn (sp) winning pianist, during dinner a DJ and then after the concert there was a 70's & 80's band... they were so funny!!! We danced and drank and had a super fun time.

I am including 3 pics... I decided on the dress I wore to the opening of the show I did back in July. It worked well.. and I don't think anyone remembered the dress.

Other notables...

I am working out 6 days a week... I even joined the gym 2 miles from school so I can run for 45 minutes during my lunch/ conference period... so now I am the proud member of 2 gyms... surely I will start to lose soon... right???

Go see Super B*d!!!! It is the raunchiest most offensive movie I have ever seen... and I laughed all the way through it.

Mr. D. is sick today... maybe the flu... send good thoughts...

My 1st show of the year auditions tomorrow... we are off to the races...

I am on cd... uhm... 25... I think... just waiting on my period to do my 1st IUI cycle.

Found out another friend is pg today. I am happy for her... but it is hard news to hear... when will it be my turn?

Lexapro seems to be a miracle drug.

Friday is my 3 year blogaversary. Not sure if this is a reason to celebrate or to cry... any suggestions?

Sometimes nice things happen...

2007-08-24T04:01:00.000-08:00

Mr. D. and I have been invited to a gala for a regional theatre. We have a very wealthy friend who bought a table for... get this... wait for it... $10,000. TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!

The gala is tomorrow night and includes cocktail hour, dinner, a concert by broadway legend Mandy Patink!n, a silent auction that includes things like jet fuel and first class trip around the world, and then dessert and dancing... I am so excited. I have a couple of dresses that I could wear but the dress is "cocktail casual" so I am a bit confused on what the heck that means at such an exclusive event. Is black ok??? I may go out tonight or tomorrow morning an look for another option... not sure.

The dresses that I am deciding between are a black low cut knee length dress... it is very low... almost belly button low... and I am not sure it is appropriate for a dinner event (It is more an "on stage" dress or a fancy concert dress.)
I also have a yellow dress that is cut a lot like the famous Marilyn Monroe "subway blows it up" dress... but it sort of looks a little young and it is lemon yellow which could be a bit overpowering. The third is a black and white number that would be perfect... but I wore it last month to an opening night event with many of the same people in attendance.

So I am excited... but confused...
Give me some suggestions on "cocktail casual"... feel free to send pictures... but remember I am a size 10 with boobs... so nothing to clingy!!!!

I think I starting to feel the lexapro kicking in... things feel like they are getting a little better.

cd 15...

2007-08-16T18:28:00.000-08:00

Had my doctor visit today...

Had to wait 45 minutes in a room FULL of pregnant women and children... I mean FULL... like not enough seats FULL.

Found out that my lovely insurance wouldn't pay for my annual exam until Sept. 1... because it hadn't been a year. So... I have to go back next month and take a day off of work... I bet there are a lot of insurance scams out there because of women trying to have more than one pap smear a year. I was really angry especially since the doctor's office had sent me a postcard reminding me to come in which the swore they never sent... which... now at home I can't find.

While I was sitting on the table... naked from the waist down... I was surrounded by sonogram pictures and the sound of a chattering toddler in the next room... this is when I lost it and started crying.

When the doctor came in we talked to him about our next options... I cried the entire time. Dr.S. talked to us about IVF. He said it would cost us around $10,000. He suggested that next month we do another clomid challenge to test my FSH again... it has been 8 months since the last one... then do an IUI... and after that... well... that is where the IVF talks continued. Did I mention that I was sobbing through the whole talk? We talked about the pros and cons of both IVF and adoption... I cried. I just can't believe this is where we are.

So next cycle we start the plan... and I'll get my annual exam.

He found "a lot" of blood in my urine... who knew??? And sent that off to the lab to find out WTF. He also told be to reduce my Met from 2000 mg to 1000 mg... because I have nausea almost every morning. He also gave me a months supply of sample Lexapro... for the crying, depression, and anxiety I have been experiencing. I took the first one as soon as we got to the car.

Now I have been googling "Lexapro and pregnancy" and almost more important to me "Lexapro and weight gain". I pray that I don't have the weight gain... I swear if I see it... I will quit it immediately. I am still working out and am working way to hard to fuck it up with meds... even though I need them... I think I need them bad.

So anyone have Lexapro stories to tell...

I am not exactly ready for the IVF stories yet... but when I am... will you please share?

cd 10...

2007-08-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

Ok... so here is the deal as of right now (it may change... but at least it is sort of a plan). After attending our second adoption meeting (the first was back in May) we have made a sort of a spur of the moment decision to try one more time with the fertility drugs before we get on this other adoption roller coaster.

Adoption is scary... we learned about the three needs this agency asks you to consider before starting...
1. an infant of full African American heritage.
2. an infant whose birthparent has a history of diagnosed mental illness.
3. an infant whose birthmother has a history of at least moderate drug and/or alcohol use through-out pregnancy.
We have been told that trends are a-changin... and the days of the pretty but confused pregnant 15 year old are over... what they see most of are addict moms.

We also learned that they would like us to be "open about an open adoption". Which is also scary... especially with an addict mom.

There are other agencies... but because of our older age (Mr. D. is 46...) many of the ones that the "confused pregnant teen" might go to are not open to accepting us.

International adoption is also an option... but the waits are very long and some countries have the same age restrictions as domestic adoption. China may be a 4 year wait, Russia is a very scary place to adopt plus they are 2 required trips = way more expensive, Guatemala is closed, Vietnam is closed... all are very expensive and all are long waits.

So, before we start the mostly non-refundable process we will try a couple more cycles... probably IUI's with clomid.

I have a doctors appointment on Thursday (cd 15) for my annual exam and a consultation and then we will wait again for my next cycle. I am also going to have my doctor do a full blood work up to figure out why I am so tired... I may also ask to get back on anti-anxiety/anti- depression meds.

I really thought that we were done with treatments... I really had closed that door in my mind because of what I thought my husband and I wanted to do... but sitting through a couple of adoption meetings may make you want to try again to have a biological child... all that said, the agency is great... we felt really at home there... it is just a whole 'nother roller coaster and once you get on you better be ready to ride.

So, we have the adoption info... the preliminary paperwork... the cost breakdown... and maybe if we are not pregnant by the first of the year we will be ready to ride.

I'll update after my doctor visit and tell you what he thinks... especially since I have been MIA for the last 8 months...

So... IUI's... here we go.

cd 1

2007-08-02T03:50:00.000-08:00

AF arrived about 6 pm last night... so I am counting today as cd 1.

It is so strange that my cycles have become so predictable again since quitting all meds... 28 days.. then 29... now 29. At least that is better than 36...

I have (stooopid) inservice meetings the next two days for school...uggghhh. Then I have until the 17th... then I start my "real" (stoooopid) inservice meetings before the start of school on the 27th.

There is also a very important meeting for me on the 12th... but I am not really ready to talk about that yet.

I have sort of wasted the last 2 1/2 weeks... just being lazy... sleeping a lot (depressed?). But I have been going to the gym and working out hard 6 days a week... even if that is the only thing I do all day.

So for such a short post... I have to get ready for (gulp) school. (gag.)

Typical...

2007-07-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

This week Mr. D. and I bought some new bedding for our master bedroom. We have been searching for linens to match the existing striped wall treatment and curtains and we were thrilled to finally find some that we thought were perfect. Bedding is expensive, as you probably know, but we thought it was a good investment for the next few years and since it worked so well in the room we didn't mind the extra cost.

So... here is the beautiful new linen set...

And here is the beautiful new linen set five minutes after we put it on the bed!!!

Happily Ever After...

2007-07-16T15:26:00.000-08:00

My show has closed.

It was a great experience! So much fun and I met so many cool people! We went out as a cast every single night! I have posted a looong slide show on my myspace so if you want to see it you can catch it there. If you leave me your myspace address I will add you to my friends so you can check it out.

I feel like Cinderella after the ball... time to leave my fairy tale "actor world" of performing and partying and come back to real life. It is time to start prepping for the next school year so I plan to try to do that over the next couple of days. I also have to start resetting my body clock back to normal people hours instead of up at 11:30 AM and to bed at 3:00 AM!!!

I am only posting one pic... because I don't want to post pictures of other people on this blog... But believe me there are so funny ones!

Anyway... that is it... back to life... back to reality...
cd 13.

A much needed lesson in theatre etiquette....

2007-07-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

As a theatre person I thought this was a great article and I just wanted to share... feel free to pass it on!!!! (PS... It applies to going to the movies too... too bad so many people are such jackasses!!!) I am considering photocoping this article and placing it inside all of our theatre programs for the next year....

08:34 AM CDT on Wednesday, July 4, 2007
By V!cki Car0line Cheatw00d / Special Contributor to The Dallas Morning News

For the sake of theatergoers, Dallas must consider passing an ordinance to fine audience members who disrupt performances with cellphones. The monies collected should be donated right to the theater.

New York City did it. Their no-cellphone law passed years ago. And, hey, isn't Dallas always trying to measure up against the big girls? Here's our chance.

For years now, theaters have been reminding people to turn off their cellphones before each performance. It's not working. The problem has, in fact, gotten worse. This isn't just people forgetting or refusing to turn off the ringer on their phones anymore. Now we have these strange, sad people who wait until the houselights go down to start typing and sending text messages.

Let's call them "text maniacs."

God help you to enjoy the show if you're seated behind one.

During the Mavs playoffs last summer, my husband and I found ourselves trapped in a theater behind a compulsive score-checking text maniac. Over and over and over during the hourlong performance, we were blinded by the light as she popped that phone open and snapped it shut.

Click! Snap! Click! Snap!At a recent performance of Wicked, a great big text maniac directly behind me spent all of Act 2 sending and receiving. Not only was she clickety-clicking those keys, she didn't bother to turn off the CHIME! that alerted her (and all of us nearby) every time she had a new message.

Last summer during the Shakespeare Festival, we were amazed to see an entire row of text maniacs, bent over like boiled shrimp, intently typing notes and playing video games during the performance. At least they were on the far back row.

Perhaps the text maniacs don't understand that their blue light shining in the darkness is just as disruptive as noise. Perhaps they don't realize that just by opening up that phone, they are immediately outed, not only to the outraged ticket buyers seated around them but also to the actors onstage, whose eyes can't help but reflexively be drawn to that little light of thine.

Kitchen Dog Theater's Tina Parker recalls looking out into a sea of blue-lit faces as she performed in another group's production of No Exit last year. "This really is hell," she thought.

It's painful to consider that perhaps text maniacs know they're diluting everyone's enjoyment and they don't much care. It's a notion that's more than possible. Take, for instance, the two text maniacs spied last year by a friend. These two men spent most of the first act sending messages to each other before they made a clumsy and disruptive exit during the performance.

Wow. That's entertainment.

Please: If you know a text maniac, or if you yourself can't refrain from sending and receiving even for an hour, please consider this alternative. Instead of ruining an expensive and rare date night for everyone seated near you, send the theater of your choice a donation equal to the regular ticket price. This way, some theater junkie gets to enjoy the show on your dime, you get a tax write-off and a chance to be alone, just the two of you, you and your little phone.

Not for you? Consider these options: get help, stay home, or duct tape mittens onto your hands before the curtain rises.

Just don't sit near me. Because the minute a "no-phone-zone" law is passed here, I'm dialing 911.

Why I have low self esteem....

2007-07-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

I am in the ensemble of a regional professional production of a big musical. I am making over $700 a week to basically sing... be a townsperson... dance in the back in a few numbers... you know the basic nice theatre job in a beautiful 5000 seat theatre. A dream summer gig... Plus my husband is also in the show... perfect huh?

I am 35 years old.
I am 5'6".
I weigh 155.
My basic measurements are 40-29-42 (at 25 I was 125 and 36-24-38)
I wear a size 10 pant and a size 8 dress.

Tonight at a costume fitting they did not have dresses big enough to fit me. They are going to have to "find" 3 costumes for me... because none of the ones they had for the production were big enough. So I am the fattest girl in the show (except for some of the "character" roles which are actually supposed to be heavy and one girl who wears a fat suit to look slightly bigger than me...) I am the only one who has to get special costumes... Granted the friggin dancers are about 100 pounds, 20 years old, and teeny tiny... but... I can't believe I am the biggest. I wanted to quit. I felt so humliated. I have real body image issues and this didn't help. I didn't cry (well.. I didn't cry in front of anyone)... but I did try to make a million self defacing jokes so that other people didn't know how broken I felt. Now I just dread seeing what they end up "finding" for me to wear... hopefully it won't be some sort of tent dress ot muumuu.

So the joy of being in a show... the excitement of being paid well... the ability of feeling like an actress again (instead of an acting teacher)... and the thrill of getting to sing really fun music... and dance... was squashed tonight. Now all I can think is that the entire audience will be wondering why the fuck they hired me instead of another 22 year old stick girl.

My ego hurts.

In other news...
If you are looking for some really cool new music... look up the band ORSON. They are HUGE in the UK even though they are from Southen California. You can click here to see them on the "Concert for Diana" and you can go here for their myspace. Really awesome music...
Oh yeah... The lead singer is my high school boyfriend... we went to his prom together. Cool huh?

Our Summer Vacation ~2007

2007-06-26T17:23:00.000-08:00

Last Day in Paradise... (UPDATE at bottom...ghost pic.. explained)

2007-06-16T18:15:00.000-08:00

It is coming to an end... I started a long blog that I called "Anatomy of a Beach Vacation"... but I need more time to finish it... or maybe I will abandon it as we roll out of Seaside in the morning... who knows.

The past three days have been wonderful... pretty much exactly the same as the first three... pure blissful relaxation... yummy dinners of chicken piccata... morning coffee on the balcony... and beach beach beach. Some highlights include seeing a pod of dolphins about 50 yards from the shore... then Mr. D. seeing one very close up... like 10 yards... A huge thunderstorm while eating on the patio... taking trick pictures with the timer... banana splits... our "taditional "toe pic"... watching kids play on the beach... flying kites... reading 3 whole books and 6 magazines cover to cover... all of it... it has just been incredible.

We leave you with a few more vacation pics... tomorrow after breakfast we will drive the 8 hours in to Houston... stay the night... meet with Ally (one of my best online buddies) for lunch and then drive the 4 hours home. We should be back to our puppy and 3 kitty babies by dinnertime on Monday. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.

So the next time I write I will just be a normal gal writing from my regular old life... but the past 2 1/2 weeks have reminded me what is truly important in my life... and that is being a normal gal in my regular old life.

See you in a couple of days!

Since several of you were interested... here is how we did the "ghost" pic... We figured it out totally by accident... and then perfected the technique with about a zillion tries! Our camera has a "night" setting to take really beautiful clear pics at night (I'll post some cool landscapes in a couple of days) anyway.. it takes about 8 seconds to snap the pic once you have pressed the button.. so you have to use a tripod so the picture isn't blurry.... but we don't have a tripod... so we were just sitting it on chairs or tables to sabilize it... and during one of the 8 second waits Mr. D. walked in front of the camera... and there it was... the ghost!!! So we practiced using the timer, a chair, and walking to the center of the picture kissing and the backing out.... about 10 kisses later we got the hang of it... we came out with 2 really cool pictures... and a couple of creepy ones where I look normal and Mr. D. looks like a ghost because he walked away on time and I didn't... So that is it... totally by accident... and then we just repeated the accident until we got it right! Pretty cool for 2 nerds who know nothing about photography.

PS... we made it to Houston and will be home tomorrow... after lunch with Ally!

Vacation Day... who knows... I've lost count

2007-06-13T17:37:00.000-08:00

Just having a great time...

The last three days have been great...

9:00-9:30 - wake up and have coffee

9:30- 12:00 - lay on the beach...

12:00 - lunch on the beach...

12:30 - 4:00 - lay on the beach...

4:00 - 6:00 - Swim in the pool... shower... make out... nap... afternoon coffee...

6:00 - Dinner and dessert at some fabulous beach restaurant

7:00 - walk... or shop... or watch a concert or a play in the Seaside amphitheatre

9:00 - walk on beach... or watch TV... or take another dip in the pool

11:00 - fall exhausted in to bed...

Three more days of this schedule... not sure if I can make it... I might just turn into jello. (a bronzy pink colored jello...)

We were taking pictures of the sunset and figured out (after a year and a half...)that our camera has a cool timer.. so we experimented with it and got a couple of cute pics... we plan to try again later this week when we are dressed a little nicer... I might even try combing my hair... but don't count on it... I am at the beach for God's sake!!!!

ok.. so I've gotton behind...

2007-06-10T17:16:00.000-08:00

Ok... I have been busy having fun and not updating like I should! I will try to catch you up on our trip...

Wednesday... We went out to lunch again with Grandma and then drove out as a trial run to see where the shuttle was taking off from at the Cape. We spent about 2 hours at the beach and then headed home. That night my cousin Brian took us out to a wonderful (and super expensive) dinner. I only mention the expense because Mr. D. and I do not usually spend a lot of $$$ on fancy dinners... so for my cousin to spend almost $300 on dinner was way over the top!!! I mean we had a cheese course, wine, salads, a $38 entree and dessert! It was wonderful but it is strange to let someone spend that much on you. But we had a lovely 3 hour dinner and awesome conversation! I really enjoy my cousin and his wife!

Thursday - A day at Disney. Now... I have to say this Disney is great... I love it... we go every year... BUT... we also have generous friends who work there and get us tickets... plus we have been there so many times we honestly don't care what we ride... or if we ride anything... we just like hanging out and enjoying the atmosphere. I say all of that to tell you... If you have never been to Disney World... Go! BUT do not go anytime in the summer!!!! It was so crowded there was no way a family could enjoy enjoy a trip. There were so many frustrated parents dragging their kids around waiting in 75 minute lines for every ride. I feel so sorry for the parents who save and save for years for this dream vacation just to find that about a million other people want the same perfect vacation! If you want the perfect Disney experience just make the decision to take the kids out of school and do it sometime between October and March (minus any school holiday breaks!). You will have your dream trip... and you will be able to do everything in 4 or 5 days... but trying to do it in the summer... well... I'll just say the people looked so disappointed. (But... all that said... had a great time flitting through the Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and Animal Kingdom... riding a total of 4 rides, seeing 1 show, 2 parades and the fireworks... all that in a 13 hour day. Yes... I have the blisters to prove it!

Friday - Whew we needed a day off. Another lunch with Grandma, then to Oceans 13 (very fun... very hot men!), and then off to the shuttle launch! We we across the cape from the shuttle (probably about a mile away) but you could see everything!!! We took our beach towels and sat with a ton of other people who came out to watch. Then it was time! I was so nervous... I really prayed for those astronauts! But the launch was beautiful! It was spectacular to see it go up and the the whole sky fill up will billowy while smoke! If you didn't see it you should go to the NASA site and watch it. I have heard there was some damage that they are repairing at the space station... so I am still praying that they make it home safe and sound. I am really glad that we went.

Saturday - We spent the day at Disney's Typhoon Lagoon water park. This day was very pleasant... it didn't seem overly crowed like the theme parks. We rode everything and the longest we waited way about 15 minutes. We came home early and spent our last evening at home with Grandma... she was in a storytelling mood which is rare and told me all about when she was a girl in the 1920's... no electricity... the great depression... the war... I could go on and on about her... but I will save those stories for another day... but the evening was so special and I will always remember the time we spent together that night.

whew...

Sunday... (today... finally...) We said goodbye to Grandma and Orlando and drove to Seaside. The drive took most of the day. We arrived at about 5:30, unpacked, did some grocery shopping, made a wonderful dinner of wine, bread, and cheese, and now we are sitting with the doors open watching both the sunset and the Tony Awards... (yes.. we are theatre geeks...) Tomorrow we will spend the day... (and the next 6 days) lounging on the beach eating popsicles!

I am attaching a few pictures... we really haven't taken that many... I will try to do better here in SeaSide!

The reason we don't stay at a hotel in Orlando... the gorgeous lake view from my Grandmothers back porch... We call it our 5 star hotel!

Two nerdy tourists at Universal Studios!

Me and the Grinch at Universal!

The condo.. home sweet home!

Vacation Day 5... aka... CD 1(update)

2007-06-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was about as perfect as a day at a theme park could be!

The weather was beautiful... about 85 with a nice breeze... it never felt hot... which is just great when you are outside most of the day.

Mr. D. and I spent the day at Universal Studios... which is a great park! We had our express passes so we never waited more than about 10 minutes for a ride or attraction. We just really enjoyed the park at a very relaxed pace... We ate a nice lunch a sit down restaurant (which... I believe is key to a good theme park day... no gross fast food!) and by about 6 we had done almost everything. We left the park... with plans to go back sometime this week and just shop in the cute novelty stores (the passes include 7 days at the two parks... for the price of two days!)

We met the lovely Jen from Fertility Now! at the Wilderness Lodge Resort where she is staying. We met in the lobby and spent some time with her and the super-cute Andrew! At 14 months he is just a bundle of energy! And those eyes... well... it is obvious that he will be getting away with loads with just with a bat of those baby blues! We chatted in shorthand about IVF vs. adoption and about the people we "meet" on the net. It is so nice when you get to meet some of the people who give you such support!

After we left the hotel we drove to another Disney hotel for dinner. We went to the Animal Kingdom Lodge and ate at Jika. This is an incredible 4 diamond restaurant that serves African Cuisine. (hint... if you go there always sit at "the cooking place"... we love to sit there and watch the chefs make the elaborate dishes and talk to them about their hometowns... and from South Africa or Morocco or Kenya... or even Delaware or Oklahoma!!!! The food is just incredible and the conversation is wonderful! We had such a great time! We also got up close and personal with 3 giraffes and a few zebras... the have a Savannah that you can walk through and see the animals about 15 feet away!

We headed home about 11... and fell exhausted into bed.

Today we are taking it easy... doing some laundry, going to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch with Grandma... and then maybe another movie this evening. Tomorrow we may try to take in a water park.

UPDATE -
Today was great... AF arrived so that sucked... but was expected. WE did laundry, then out to lunch then back to the house for a nap. Mr. D and I left the house at about 3:30 and went back to Universal... we shopped around... ate an ice cream sundae... watched a pretty lame animal show and then decided to head over to one of the Disney Hotels. We ate a quick dinner on the way at Qdoba (sort of fast food... ala Chipotle) and then we went over to The Disney Yacht and Beach Club Resort because I had never seen the inside. The plan was to look at the hotel and then go to the Grand Floridian Hotel to watch fireworks from the beach... but the Yacht and Beach was so great we decided to just sit in a beach chair for awhile and people watch... then we noticed that they were setting up a movie screen on the beach and guess what... we stayed and watched the entire LITTLE MERMAID on the beach sitting in deck chairs with our feet in the sand drinking beers and watching all the little kids act out the entire movie. Very fun.. and relaxing and sort of even romantic... Now we are off to bed... who knows what we will do tomorrow!