I hate the photographer....

I look really fat in those pictures...

Ok, I know that I was there and helped pick out the bridesmaid's dresses for Nic's wedding. But only today when I got the email to go ONLINE and see her wedding proofs did I know how unflattering the dresses really were... And what's the deal with this new thing with putting wedding proofs on the internet so that the guests and buy pictures of themselves at someone else's wedding???.... Weird. Any way, the aqua strapless dresses that I told myself weren't "that bad"... Basically were. Plus, as a side note, I bought the dress when I was pg and I got a size 12 so that I would have plenty of room to be 3 months along by the time the wedding got here in August... except... guess what. Again no baby. So I now call this the m/c dress. The dress that had t be taken in to a size 10 because only two weeks after telling people that I was pg again... I wasn't... again...

I decided to call this blog Baby Wait because that is exactly what I am doing... waiting...
After 2 miscarriages and tons of fertility tests (including the record number of blood vial's taken at the local LabCorp at one time... 14.) we are narrowing it down to antiphospholipid antibodies... a stupid "condition" that causes my blood to weirdly clot (we think) and this "could" be the cause of my 2 miscarriages. Or it could be progesterone... or it could be an infection... or it could be Lupus... or it could be just my bad luck!

I should get my last test results back this week to find out if (A) I "just" have the antiphospholipids and we can began to TTC again... knowing that we need progesterone and heparin injections to try to keep the baby inside me.... or (B) I need to see a rhuematologist (sp?) to screen for Lupus or some other scary "condition." Either way... we can start TTC soon and I will need the shots.

I am still not sure how Mr. D is really feeling about all of this... Why do I have the "need" to ask him all the time about his feelings on getting pregnant again? I guess I just need reassurance. If we lose another baby I don't want it to be all my stupid fault... I want us to share in that guilt and blame... SO THERE!

I want to stop being obsessive about having another bad pregnancy... I am going to start thinking positive and stop being so scared. Today is the first day of my new outlook.... I will have a happy, uneventful pregnancy.. I will have a perfect little bundle of joy in my arms soon... and I will NEVER be a stupid bridesmaid again.