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Monday, July 02, 2007

Why I have low self esteem....

I am in the ensemble of a regional professional production of a big musical. I am making over $700 a week to basically sing... be a townsperson... dance in the back in a few numbers... you know the basic nice theatre job in a beautiful 5000 seat theatre. A dream summer gig... Plus my husband is also in the show... perfect huh?

I am 35 years old.
I am 5'6".
I weigh 155.
My basic measurements are 40-29-42 (at 25 I was 125 and 36-24-38)
I wear a size 10 pant and a size 8 dress.

Tonight at a costume fitting they did not have dresses big enough to fit me. They are going to have to "find" 3 costumes for me... because none of the ones they had for the production were big enough. So I am the fattest girl in the show (except for some of the "character" roles which are actually supposed to be heavy and one girl who wears a fat suit to look slightly bigger than me...) I am the only one who has to get special costumes... Granted the friggin dancers are about 100 pounds, 20 years old, and teeny tiny... but... I can't believe I am the biggest. I wanted to quit. I felt so humliated. I have real body image issues and this didn't help. I didn't cry (well.. I didn't cry in front of anyone)... but I did try to make a million self defacing jokes so that other people didn't know how broken I felt. Now I just dread seeing what they end up "finding" for me to wear... hopefully it won't be some sort of tent dress ot muumuu.

So the joy of being in a show... the excitement of being paid well... the ability of feeling like an actress again (instead of an acting teacher)... and the thrill of getting to sing really fun music... and dance... was squashed tonight. Now all I can think is that the entire audience will be wondering why the fuck they hired me instead of another 22 year old stick girl.

My ego hurts.

In other news...
If you are looking for some really cool new music... look up the band ORSON. They are HUGE in the UK even though they are from Southen California. You can click here to see them on the "Concert for Diana" and you can go here for their myspace. Really awesome music...
Oh yeah... The lead singer is my high school boyfriend... we went to his prom together. Cool huh?

13 Comments:

Blogger Crazy Me said...

Screw it, James! We're women! We're SUPPOSED to have curves! Embrace them.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Chili said...

Oh honey, I have seen the pictures from your vacation and you are lovely and gorgeous and by no means fat! I totally understand where you're coming from though - body image issues suck ass. I hope the sting goes away soon.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Lynn said...

It's absurd they don't have clothes to fit you. I am always amazed at how beautiful your pictures are. You should also know that the latest research on waist/hip ratio and health puts you in the lowest risk category for heart disease and diabetes!

9:42 PM  
Blogger Char said...

Fat schmat. That's what I say. You should buy yourself an ENORMOUS double cream ice cream and a huge hunk of cheese cake and eat them together with drizzled dark chocolate melted over the top. Just to feel good again. Works for me. Until I hop on the scale again.

You are so NOT fat. Although I know how it is to FEEL FAT. They are mutually exclusive. Feeling fat versus actually being fat. Ugghhh.... Either way, you are still gorgeous and don't let them make you feel any other way ok?

4:18 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Oh Jamie, you are the farthest thing from fat. You are truly beautiful, and I would never in a million years call you fat. Congrats on the gig, though, and if anyone gives you crap about the dress sizes, kick 'em in the knees!

5:09 AM  
Blogger Inconceivable said...

Tell all those 20 - somethings to go eat a cheeseburger!! I saw your vacation pictures and you are very very far from being considered "a larger" woman! I'm appalled!!!

Good luck on the show, I hope you find joy in it.

8:02 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

Um, Jamie...you're beautiful , simply beautiful. So you're not 25 anymore (none of us are) but you have no reason to have low self esteem...even from your pictures I can tell you're gorgeous inside and out.

Screw the 20 yr olds.....

11:06 AM  
Blogger Mrs. B said...

Having been in the theater my whole life, let me tell you that they make those stupid costumes no bigger than size 5, if you're lucky! The are meant for tiny twig people and not "normal" people. I agree with the lady who said women are supposed to have curves. I saw your pictures from vacation and I would think that you looked perfectly beautiful. You are a perfect size! Screw them twiggy girls!

2:26 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm way shorter and way fatter than you. Screw them.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Ollie said...

The worst thing in the world to do to yourself is compare yourself to 100-lb 20 year-olds. They aren't natural, I tell ya!

...don't let 'em get ya down. You're stunning. And obviously you rule more than them because they got the job because they are all alike. You got it based on skill. Getting gigs like that isn't easy (at least it never was for me at every single nerve-wracking audition I ever attended).

11:44 AM  
Blogger sheeba said...

it's a shame that as women, a huge group of people who make up half the world's population, we fall victim to the idea of what we should look like, i'm not preaching, i am the same way.... but lately i've been trying to boycott designers who use anorexic looking models during their shows, if i see a clothing catalog with super skinny women flaunting bones, i email the editors of that particular catalog telling them exactly what i think of their skin-n-bones image promotion.
ladies, it's time to stop being nice...let's speak out against that
small group of people who shamelessly promote unhealthy female body imagery

11:07 PM  
Blogger Frenchie said...

You look so adorable and beautiful in all your vacation photos. (The word fat never even entered my mind). I did, however, think you looked like a fun person to hang out with.

But, I know what it feels like to have things about your body you don't like or to be uncormfortable about your body.

I admire you so much for having the guts to audition for shows and get to dance, sing and act--and get paid! I think that is soooo cool. It sounds like so much fun to me, but I was always too shy to deal with the audition process to ever follow it through.

So, someone out in cyberspace (me) thins you're way cool. And certainly not fat. :0)

9:37 PM  
Blogger Sporty said...

Screw them Jamie! I have self esteem issues myself and I can tell you right now that I would kill to be built like you. I am too ashamed to even post my measurements on here!

BUT...I think you are beautiful!

Love and miss ya!

4:15 PM  

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