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Thursday, May 24, 2007

Stuff..

First... I want to say thank you for all of the supportive posts on my last blog... this blog has been a huge comfort to me... just knowing that there are women out there who "get it" makes me feel better.

Second... I would like to say a huge fuck off to the friggin anonymous posters who looooove to judge my decisions or non- decisions about having a child. I do not write this blog for you to "understand" why I do or don't do certain things. I do not post about every aspect of my life or finances... I do not post about why (specifically) I am not comfortable going to more extraordinary measures to have a baby... because of... basically... people like you. People who think they "know" me... who feel like they can make flip comments like this..

"I know IF treatments can be costly but I would think not going on vacation or updating your home would come second or third to having a child."

or this...

"I, being one suffering yrs of infertility & recurring losses, understand the need to unload the pain in what ever way you can. However, what I don't understand is why no testing has been done, and more importantly why no aggressive treatment has been attempted. "

by the way.. I have spent thousands on testing... read the archives before you assume.

I know these are only 2 (anonymous) posters out of 27. The other 25 were warm and kind and understanding... but these two... just piss me off.

Don't you understand that you are basically "just relaxing" me??? You are saying "just do IVF". I mean what else is there? So why don't you come out and say it? You love to veil it in comments like "more aggressive treatment" or "get some help from a good RE". So why don't you "just IVF" me like so many have "just relaxed" me or "just adopt" me. I mean you make the whole $17,000 IVF seem so easy... even though there is no guarantee of a live baby at the end (especially since I tend to miscarry) and you make those 50% success rates look great. And of course spending that kind of money is totally on the same level as spending a couple of thousand on your home or taking a $1500 vacation.. Who even needs a vacation when you can "just IVF"??? So easy.. so simple... Maybe I just don't really want a child....

I would never write a post like... "wow... you have done 5 IVF's.... and you are still not pregnant and you are in financial ruin... maybe it is time for you to move on..." or "Sounds like infertility treatments are ruining your marriage and you will probably be divorced in another year" or "Congratulations on getting pregnant... so sad that you and your husband are barely speaking". Why?... because these are issues between you and your partner. Not you and freakin Blogworld.

I would never write a comment like... "Oh... so you bought a new car? I guess you don't really want a baby or obviously you would spend money on nothing else and probably ruin your marriage while you are at it... if you really wanted a baby." Why?... because maybe you need a new car... maybe you just want to be normal for a minute and have the nice things that other people have...

AND... while I am at it... I would never post anonymously on someones blog. It is cowardly... especially if you are making such harsh judgements about them personally.

So.. I remind you all out there... I care about you... I read your blogs and feel like I know you... but I don't know every aspect of your like... or even every aspect of your infertility battle or you finances... or your beliefs... or your fears... or your husbands feelings about all of the bullshit infertility brings into your life.... and I don't pretend to.

And you don't know me.

I get to be sad about my own infertility...
I get to decide on what treatments I want to do...
I get to go on vacation if I want to...
I get to decide what I spend money on and what I don't...
I get to decide which aspects of my life I share on my blog and which I don't...
I get to make my life decisions with my husband...

And none of that "proves" how much I do or do not want a child.

And honestly... I should not have to "explain or defend" any of these decisions to strangers on the internet.

So.. if you don't understand me or don't respect my choices... then don't read.

That is if I decide to even continue this blog.

32 Comments:

Anonymous Julie, Baltimore said...

Jamie,

plese continue this blog! And by the way- plese go on vacation again! I loved reding about your vacatin last year, I had none!

On the serious side- you are absolutely righta bout everything you said.

Best of luck!
Julie

5:28 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Hey there! I am a long time reader and a no time comment-er. Please keep your blog, I know it helps you an screw those posters who don't have the balls to tell you who they are but feel like then can tell you how to live your life!

5:33 AM  
Anonymous Lindsay said...

Well, I certainly hope you continue this blog. I enjoy reading about your life with Mr. D, experiences as a teacher, life with your pets, your house projects and other stuff. To me, you are way more than "infertile" - you're a person with an interesting life and good stories to tell. So please, keep at it. I'd miss you if you left the blogosphere. I'd understand, but I'd miss you!

And for the anonymous posters: fuck off. Seriously. Fuck right off. Go spout your obnoxious judgemental shit somewhere else, because no one here is interested in reading it.

6:03 AM  
Blogger Courtney said...

Amen.

Please don't let the insensitive people cause you to move away from an outlet that is meant to be void of criticism. Those who choose to make judgements on the decisions of others do not understand what negative light they shed upon themselves.

6:19 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

As with the writing do whatever works for you. It is good to read though and know that my feelings are not unusual or crazy so I hope you continue with it.

7:00 AM  
Blogger MsTeb said...

I am a long time lurker, and have never commented. Your last post touched me and so many others (as I posted it to my miscarriage support board, giving credit where credit is due of course).

It sucks that we have to be infertile. Sucks!!!! Reading blogs like yours makes us realize we are not alone in our suffering. Please continue on your journey, to hell with what other people think. We are all routing for you on the sidelines!!

8:00 AM  
Blogger r_is_moody said...

Jamie, i have read for a while now but never posted. I really do hope you continue YOUR blog and share YOUR feelings and battles. I will never understand why these "anonymous" commentors feel the need to push their opinions on everyone else. This is your blog and your life and you are free to say what you want, and not explain everything.

8:42 AM  
Blogger jbs said...

i too am a lurker who has never posted comments but also wanted to say i hope you continue your blog! you are a terrific writer and are so good at expressing your thoughts. so many of your posts help me feel better about the whole crazy (and crappy) infertility ride. i am so rooting for you. and damn those snooty anonymouses! -jodi

9:03 AM  
Blogger millie said...

Boo hiss on the haters. I say ban them and just keep on going. I do hope you continue your blog because I'm a very selfish person and I'd miss you horribly.

So ignore those two idiots and listen to the rest of us. We're the smart ones anyway.

9:08 AM  
Anonymous Cassie said...

Please don't go away Jamie!! I have been reading for the past couple of years (I have never commented before) and I (like Lindsay) enjoy reading your posts that have nothing to do with IF! I think you are a great writer and I love that you share parts of your life with others. I guess mine is a little boring, LOL! Anyway, it seems like a lot of bloggers are leaving and things just aren't the same without certain bloggers and you are definitely one of them! Good luck!
Cassie

9:46 AM  
Blogger Inconceivable said...

Some people just can't help themselves .... I just wanted to share my love for your writings. My blog was solely inspired and started by your blog. I will be sad if you have to leave (for selfish reasons)- but this is for your benefit and want what works best for you

10:17 AM  
Blogger Allison & Jason said...

Add me to the list of lurkers/first time commenter's who would be heartbroken if you quit blogging.

People who leave comments like that don't deserve to make the kind of impact that would be made, should you quit.

I enjoy every single one of your posts, and think of you as much more than just someone battling infertility.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Alice said...

Yes keep posting, please. I'm really sorry if my post on the inciid scholarships somehow spawned the thought of people giving you judgemental assvice.

This whole journey\battle\torture into IF is hard enough, adding the sting of judgement just makes it burn that much worse. But please don't let the snap judgement, narrow minded, morons cloud that there are many of us who appreciate your thoughts and take comfort in them. Those of us that understand how hard it is to make any of these decisions, trying to figure out what to do next, regardless of money, let alone with money involved.

So again, thank you for sharing your thoughts, they make a difference, and hopefully having other people listen, helps you to.

Alice

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Ollie said...

I'm sorry you had to deal with people like that. Some people just don't know how to live and let live, not to mention LISTEN. Don't let the assholes get you down (easier said than done, right?) Remember--lots of us out here love you and know you know how to do what's best for YOU.

12:53 PM  
Anonymous EmDee said...

So sorry you had to deal with those comments.
You're my favorite blogger, and I understand exactly how you feel. I know it's not a help to say, "I'm in the same boat as you" -- but "I'm in the same boat as you."
Thanks for this post. You said what I wish I could have said to every person in my life who ever questioned my decisions regarding treatment.
You're the only one who knows what's right for you.
Much love ...

7:14 PM  
Anonymous Angelina said...

continue continue! you are one of the most articulate, entertaining, creative and straight from the heart (and gut) bloggers - even on such a heart wrenching subject that many of us share. i share your angst - and you say what i feel better than if i said it myself. especially your responses to those-who-just-don't-get-it. i especially love how you tell off the "just do ivf" crowd. in fact, i may borrow some of your snarkisms.

10:13 PM  
Anonymous Patty said...

Hi - came across your blog for the first time today, and wanted to offer a few words of encouragement. I've NEVER posted anything random like this on ANY website (your blog turned up when I was searching about the dollar tree pregnancy tests) but what you're going through really captured my heart. Just wanted to tell you to hang in there. After 3 years of trying, and 2 miscarriages (second was at almost 20 weeks, we had already gotten a heartbeat and everything - had announced it, discovered during a routine ultrasound) I'm sitting here right now listening to my 9 month old son laugh and coo at the Baby Channel. It can happen, I promise.

I think God puts us through this stuff in order to reach out and offer hope to others in the same situation. Your blog is AMAZING - the real way in which you capture what EVERY woman struggling with infertility is going through is terrific. I would strongly encourage you to keep it up, if for no other reason, than to help those in similar situations. Infertility affects EVERY aspect of life - marriage, work, friendships, etc. You seem to be handling things in a VERY healthy way by writing about them.

And screw the people who write negative things. They obviously have not been there.

Take care!

5:59 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Ignore the jerks and do what's best for you - that's my motto! Thanks for your honesty. I really enjoy reading what you have to say.

6:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, Jamie, I feel for you. WHY OH WHY is it our human nature to let the few ignorant, hurtful comments dominate the many, many other supportive ones? I do the same thing, but, as my girlfriend likes to say, "Take my advice -- I'M not using it!" Seriously, I know how hard it is to brush off the stupid people, but please don't let them get to you. I still find myself bursting into angry tears whenever I encounter people who JUST. DON'T. GET. IT. But you know what? I don't think they ever will. So just try to remind yourself of what you've so eloquently stated already: it's not for anyone else to tell you how to deal with it or make judgments about the decisions you make.

6:38 AM  
Blogger Hoping said...

so sorry about the anon commenters. Your life is yours and no one elses, you are doing what is right for you and that is exactly what you are supposed to do!

7:14 AM  
Anonymous Erin said...

So true. It's very hard when someone makes a sweeping judgement about you based on one blog entry, like they can get a handle on your whole life from a couple of paragraphs a week. It's cruel for a person to think they could do that. It's also cruel to think that what you say about someone won't hurt them, just because it's only on the computer. Life is full of very hard decisions that are hard to explain to those who are on the outside of your life. It's too bad people feel the need to lash out when they don't know your whole story.
As always, best of luck to you and Mr. D.

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Monica said...

I totally agree with you that people, especially anonymous ones, are wrong to come here to your blog and judge you. However I do feel that with this being an online, public forum, they do have a right to say what they want. Whether you agree with it or not, whether you think it's nice or not.

Unfortunately, I think it's the risk you take with having a blog in the first place. It comes with the territory. Maybe you need to get out of blog land and just confide in your real friends. It might help your mind, body and soul.

7:03 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

Oh how I detest anonymous commenters..ugg. I blogged very recently about how much they suck too. You're right; no one knows your situation, not people in real life and definitely not people who read your blog. Forgive me for not knowing your entire IF history; I read sporadically if that, but I would like to say that I fully understand your apprehension with moving forward with IVF. I personally had to make that decision, and we took a leap of faith and did it, but it was the scariest thing I've ever done, and now we're faced with it again and I am living it all over again. That kind of money is very hard to sink into something that may result in nothing but heartache....and you really just don't have any way to know what will happen. OK, I'm rambling, but I did want you to know that I feel for you....about the IF stuggles and the freakin' stupid, judgemental annonymous comments.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Hira said...

Hey dear, I understand what you are going through, but heck them! You are who you are. Do what you do and don't give a damn to anybody else. You can not make everyody happy and as far as i remember this blog of yours is not to make others happy - its a blog all women who can't conceive feel and understand. So don't give a damn abt those comment....you go girl! Hira.

8:34 PM  
Blogger SS said...

Keep blogging, especially if it helps you. As we all know, there are many insensitive people out there, but you can't listen to them, and you can't let them destroy one of your methods of coping with infertility.

PS, vacations are needed, even more so when you're dealing with a tough problem like infertility. Don't let them feel bad about needing a vacation, we all need to maintain our sanity!!

9:12 AM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Jamie,
I just wanted to say that I don't think those anonymous commenter's were not trying to hurt you. They know how much you want a baby and they don't want that dream to slip away for you. Infertility is so unfair and if you let it get you down to long you can miss your chances. I really hope that isn't the case for you and that you really get what you want in the end.
Jenna

10:57 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

I think if this blog helps you then you should continue it. I also think that if you put your life on a public forum you will face comments on both ends of the spectrum. Not everyone thinks the same thing based on the same situation. Take their comments, good or bad and ultimately you will decide what is best for you. I certainly wouldn't waste one emotion on any anonymous blogger. Telling them you may not come back makes them get the upperhand and we can't have that!

4:16 PM  
Blogger Mrs. B said...

Don't let the few stupid people that are out there stop you from writing. You are a talented writer and I enjoy reading your blogs. Screw all those out there who think that it is their business to tell you what to do with you yours. Until they have walked a mile in your shows how dare they try to assume they know how or what you should do. It is your life, don't let them take that away from you.

9:32 AM  
Blogger BL said...

Don't let the cowardly anonymous bitches run you off... I would never post anonymously and those who do ARE JUST COWARDS.

I have been reading your blog for awhile and only today come out to say DON'T GO! I love your style!

7:26 PM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Ahhh.... Frustraiting, ignorant and just plain dumb! I don't know what to say about those people, I guess they are bored and have nothing better to do than annoy and hurt you..Maybe it's jelousy. Rise above them if you can, though I know it would hurt me if I had people saying those things about me even when they are not true.

Luv ya, Hugs for you, Lesley

12:30 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

I'm sorry I'm getting here late, but I am practically giving you a standing ovation at my desk. Keep this blog, I love hearing about you and IF. You are doing what is right and good and fair for you Jamie. I get the same kind of comments sometimes, "why did it take so long to try IVF?" ..."well because it did..it's was OUR decision not yours..thank you very much!"

you rock!!!!everything you said is correct and right and valid.

9:57 AM  
Blogger notthislittleblackduck said...

Well said blog posting.
Instead of telling a single soul apart from my husband I too have decided to blow off steam in cyberspace instead (wordpress, not blogspot though). So I guess the stupid anonymous comments are what I have to look forward to.
I can't see doing the IVF route (I say that NOW LOL) due to the high expense and low probability. But your blog is great & you and your husband look like you're a wonderful couple!

3:49 PM  

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