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Monday, October 05, 2009

fuck this.

I used to blog when I needed to get things off my chest... so here goes...


1. My adoption that was supposed to take about a year is now in its 17 month. This is making my life so friggin out of control right now and I am really having a hard time dealing with all of this... for realz...

2. My mother fucking weight... I am gaining like crazy and I go from hating myself and working my ass off at the gym to saying I don't give a mother fucking fuck and eating a goddamn candy bar at 2 in the afternoon... sometimes in the same day.

3. My job... I hate it right now... but I really blame #1 for this since it is so hard to give a friggin rats ass about anything when you are waiting for an adoption.

4. My skin... why am I broken out like a teen right now??? It really bites to have wrinkles and acne!

5. The fucking swine flu... EVERYONE at school is coughing and disgusting and I hate being around sick people... especially sick teenagers who refuse to stay home because they don't want to lose their exam exemptions.

6. My breast pump... I am very angry at having to have my boobs pinched and pulled each day for no reason. I am sick of it! And they are huge.. and not in a good way.

7. Holidays... I am coming up to another holiday season and I don't have a baby. That fucking pisses me off. FUCK.

8. People who keep asking me "where is your baby???" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW... OK??? And every time you ask me that it is like you are stabbing me in the gut.

9. Feeling depressed... I want to spend all my free time eating or sleeping. I don't want to see people for all the reasons above (weight... zits... and talking... etc...) I just feel like hibernating.

10. My Dad... Sometime after marrying the worst woman in the world 10 years ago he became a total doucebag. And I really miss having my old dad. And after 10+ years of trying to put up with his wife... well... she is a horrible, despicable person... and I just can't say anything nice about her. And she took away my dad.

11. The guilt I feel for being angry.... I have sooo much to be thankful for... my amazing husband... my beautiful home... my great job... my sweet pets... the normal people in our families... and my (someday) baby girl.... But right now I just want to scream that I have had enough of all this and it is HARD to see the damn light at the end of the tunnel.

I am tired of thinking positive... I am obviously not good at it.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

I am sure I will be ok tomorrow.

Oh... more shocking news... I am about to start my period.

My stress level is so high right now I feel like I could explode.


Thanks for listening.


Blogger SassyCupcakes said...

That really sucks. *hug*

6:24 PM  
Blogger Angi said...

oh girl. you are justified in your feelings, and i wish i could be there to give you support during your vent-rage. prayers and support are out here for you, but you know? it means nothing when you're still waiting for your little girl. and until she's there in your arms, everything is just big f**king hole. but i still send you my thoughts and commiserations.

6:26 PM  
Blogger Pusillanimous Wanker said...

Vent away, it's your blog ;)

I keep hanging around for the happy ending that will inevitably come.

8:22 PM  
Blogger The Swann's said...

(((HUGS))) Wish I had words to say to make you feel better. To retore your hope. Everything just sounds so cliche' and I'm sure that is the last thing you want! Just know that you vent. We read. We support you. :-)

3:39 AM  
Blogger Hello Kelli said...

WTF.....does your agency keep in touch and let you know what is going on? That just sounds like a long ass time! I am so sorry.....I don't have a baby yet either, but 2 years ago I went thru the same thing, gained 25+ pounds, never came out of my speech room, if I missed kids, oh well....but I actually got a trainer and its amazing what it has done for me. Actually I got a therapist for awhile too, when I was going thru it no one could tell me anything that would make me feel better. I only wanted someone to be mad with me ;) So....I am mad with you! Fuck this, I agree.....

5:01 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

Oh darlin, I'm glad you got all of that off your chest...things are going to get better. But if you need to just say "fuck it" today, then by all means...we all need that once in a while.

*hugs, big hugs*

5:49 AM  
Blogger juneheller said...

I love all of the ranting and then #11, feeling guilty for feeling bad. It is SO HARD to be graceful when you feel angry. I know.

Do you have to keep pumping? Maybe talk to the doctor about picking it back up when you get word about the baby coming? Or does it help to pump? I don't know, seems like the pumping might be making it harder, but what do I know. Also, not everyone drops weight with breastfeeding, some people retain weight to make the milk.

I ache for you. It's so hard.

The more I read about your pain and longing for this little girl, the more I picture her and fall in love with her. She's going to be so extra special, completely loved and blessed to have a Mommy who prayed so hard for her safe arrival.

7:37 AM  
Blogger Jenna said...

That is so not fair that you are producing breast milk and still having your period. That is messed up!

10:08 AM  
Blogger Malloryn said...

I'm sorry for all of the crap you're going through. Vent away any time!

8:10 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I am so sorry for all the stresses. I will continue to pray everything falls into place for you sooner rather than later. Hugs . . .

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A valuable post on positive thinking

Karim - Positive thinking

3:26 AM  
Blogger Heather W. said...

(((Big Hugs)))!!! I am actually glad to see a post like this...hope it made you feel a tiny bit better getting it out!

1:41 PM  
Blogger Hira said...

Why don't you put off the breast pumping for a while...cos its one of the things that can actually depress any woman.

You are having too much on your plate with what you can control, and let go of what you cannot.

9:00 AM  
Blogger lisalou said...

Fuck is right! And I hear you on the swine. Fricken kids! Gross@

12:05 PM  

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