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Monday, April 06, 2009

Spring... one step closer to "early summer"

I have finished my first 21 days of bc pills and domperidone to try to induce lactation. I have seen what should be considered "significant" breast changes" but I think I am doing to continue the bc pills for another 2 to four weeks. I am excited to begin pumping to see what will happen... but I know that I will have to commit to a very rigorous schedule (6X a day and 1X at night)... so I thought I would wait until closer to April... and closer to the end of school...

I have not heard anything from our agency... I am just holding on for dear life to the two little words "...early summer."

Things at work are starting to slow down... and each day seems twice as long as they do when I am busy. Waiting is so hard... and I just don't know how to pass the time any faster (especially without spending money!)

I have been a bit sad... I have lost a very good friend and it really just devastates me. I guess we have been growing a part for a long time... but I never would have expected that our friendship could just fade away. It is especially hard since it is right at the end stretch of our adoption journey... I could really use her right now. But it was not my choice... In fact... I told Mr. D. that I feel like I have been dumped. It is really hard to not have that one special girlfriend to talk to... and if she is still reading this... I hope she knows how much I miss her.

Since I needed a new way to spend my time I have taught myself to knit and have made several baby hats for Finny. I have a student who crochets and she taught me.... I sort of "cheat" for all of you "hard core knitters" out there... I knit on a circle loom... so I guess I am not really knitting... but the outcome is the same! I have made 7 baby caps and a great hat for Mr. D. It is fun and sort of relaxing.

Today on Oprah they had a show about the difficulties of motherhood. And everyone tels me (probably on a daily basis) how hard it is to parent and how I "have no idea" how hard it is going to be. Any time I say "yeah... I know..." or "I can imagine" they just look at me with a snotty look and say "oh no... YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!" I don't know what to say to that... I mean... I don't know what it is to be a parent... and I know it is not all "pushing around a stroller" as one particular person said behind my back... but what can I say??? I want to be a mom. I have been moving toward this moment for years and have worked very hard to get to (almost) "early summer" and now that I am almost there people (even Oprah)want to scare the crap out of me. I just wish people would just congratulate me and say they will be there to help if I need it... instead of looking at me like I am crazy to have actually signed up for this adoption thing as if I did it on a whim. And if one more person tells me I am never going to sleep again.... I get it people.

Uhm... is anyone else watching Toddlers and Tiaras? What. The. Fuck???


Blogger Amber said...

I haven't commented on your blog in ages, but I read all your updates. We struggled with infertlity for nearly four years and although we have been blessed with four children, I can so relate to where you are right now. People almost act like you're better off not to be parents, and that is so frustrating. Although I have my children now, I never for a second forget how long it took to get them here and how much I wanted them.

Parenting isn't all fun and roses and it is hard, but I have found that most things worth having or doing aren't simple or easy. I suppose it may sound cheesy to some, but I'm happy that I have a baby to keep me awake. It's better than sleeping all night and not having my children. Don't get me wrong, I get frustrated and I lose my temper sometimes, but it's still so totally worth it.

I can't understand why people think you need to be told that parenting isn't easy. And the "you just wait" and "you just don't know" are so insulting and irritating. When we were trying for our first and wanting a large family, everyone would say, "get the first one here, then you'll change your mind." I just don't understand what makes people that way.

I seriously doubt that parenting is going to throw any curve balls at you that you aren't SO much more prepared for because of what you've been through. I am so in awe of your plan to nurse. I love nursing and it's wonderful, but with my first we just couldn't ever get it right.

I hope that people quit saying mindless things to you and that Finley is with you soon.

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I've only commented on your blog once but always check for updates!

I had ten pregnancies and ended up with two wonderful children (over a 12 year period). (We also waited on an adoption waiting list for 4 1/2 years when I had the successful pregnancy with my first child.) My children are now adults (23 and 19) so I've been at this mothering thing for awhile.

My point? Well, I watched Oprah today (that is when I wasn't muting some of those obnoxious "moms") and let me tell you that show was crap! ;)

I know you will embrace motherhood as I did and be glad of every so-called boring day with your little one. I look back on all those days with happy memories and thoughts because I embraced it all-the good the bad and the ugly (not so much ugly!).

I've never understood those women who just want to spread misery and gloom about motherhood. (Really freakin' annoying when I was practically standing on my head half the time trying to stay pregnant.) They are of the same ilk who look at life like the glass is half empty all the time.

Anyhoo, I'll get off my soapbox! Just wanted to let you know it's really what I'm sure you already think, "life is what you make it!"

I can't wait to read the blog post that reads your darling daughter has arrived!


PS LOL Toddlers and Tiara's WTF indeed! Those families need their heads examined! Sad.....

7:34 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Hey! I am a lurker...

First of all, that watermelon cap is adorable!!

Second, I watched Oprah, too, and most of those mothers probably haven't been through half of what others of us have had to endure to become mothers. I agree with all the above two posters said. Do not let anyone "get you down" or make you think parenting is hard - it's all about your perspective - it took me four years of infertility to finally become a mother and I don't complain one bit about any of the tough stuff -- there was a day when I thought I may never become mom, so I am thankful for EVERY moment I have with my daughters and take nothing for granted. Because of your struggles, I bet you'll be the same.

And you will never sleep again ;-) but you will be thankful for that and for every moment in the middle of the night that you get to hold your little baby girl and rock her back to sleep, or lay in your bed and listen to her cooing at 6AM like I'm doing now. Motherhood is wonderful -- all of it!

Congratulations and Best Wishes!!

2:59 AM  
Blogger Army Wife Extraordinaire *~A.W.E.*~ said...

Toddlers and TIaras scares me.. just downright SCARES me... it's ridiculous. What are those parents thinking?!?!

I look at your blog nearly daily hoping for the great update that you're finally a mommy.

No one knows what it's like to be a parent until they are one. So whoever said it's more than pushing around a stroller was just mean -- I'm sure you know that. I'm positive you know you're in for a world of change. At times you might even have the whole, "OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" thoughts when Finn is having a tough moment, but you know what? What parent hasn't?

4:54 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

As a new mom again...I can tell you it IS hard to change your whole life for an infant..but I can also tell you the rewards all make it worth it. The first time the baby smiles or turns in the direction of your voice for comfort is just heaven. The one thing you don't have to do through is the body changes from pregnancy and postpartum so that's one good thing.

Take what people say with a grain of salt. I can't tell you how many peiople told me I was nuts at my age to have another child...who the hell are they? They certainly don't walk in any one's shoes to judge.

6:48 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Coming out of lurking mode here, I have no idea how or when I found your blog but I did and have been following, rooting along for you.

I have 2 boys and I would never, ever tell another mom-to-be how hard it was going to be instead of just congratulating and being happy for her. I don't know why people do that, I think it must be a certain competitiveness or something. I also think as a woman of course you can "imagine what it must be like" as far as being a mom goes. Women have that empathy, for someone to tell you that you couldn't know is unfair and mean. I really believe you can start to be a mom even before you get your child, however that may be. You can never escape the naysayers, you can however learn to ignore them!

I would also like to say I really admire the dedication you have to inducing lactation. That is an amazing gift you will be giving your daughter, and an incredible bonding time.I hope your daughter finds you soon, and I can't wait to hear about her.

Peace to you, Diana

7:19 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

What the hell? I mean, there is lots of shit I haven't done before but I can still know it is hard. I haven't owned a horse - they are a lot of work. I haven't taken the bar exam but I know that is hard work. I haven't performed open heart surgery but that's hard too.

Being a parent is hard - probably harder as they get older (you know, teen years and hormones)...but take it one moment at a time. You are a smart woman, you'll catch on quick. Everyone starts out not knowing what the hell is going on. Everyone starts out as a new parent. They need to get off their high horses.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Jeremy said...

I have read your blog for a long time, and I am hoping so hard for you that you get your precious daughter soon. There are always negative people out there, and people who want to be know-it-alls. Some are jerks, some just don't realize how annoying and obnoxious they come off. But please know that there are many of us out there who just want to wish you the very best of luck and who know (just from reading your insightful blog) what a wonderful mother you will be.

I, too, cannot wait to be a parent, and I have the common sense to know that it will be challenging as well as rewarding, but I choose to just revel in the fantasy for now and think of all the ooey-gooey sweet cuddly FUN times me and my future child will have. Forget those idiots and do the same -- why waste energy on stressful things that haven't even happened yet?

My fingers always are crossed for you and your husband!!!

Mrs. Jeremy

9:48 AM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Motherhood is amazing!!!! It really gets better everyday!!! When you have waited so long for your child and you finally have your child you love every single minute of it. The first few weeks everyone said was going to be so hard didn't phase me... I got more sleep during those weeks then I had gotten before or since.

I have a friend who got pregnant at the same time as I did and she loves being a mom too, but it is different. At times the job is so hard for her and she has those moments that feel like they will never end, but for me it hasn't been like that. It has just been the most amazing journey.

I know it will be the same for you. When you want something so bad for so long, when you get it, it will be amazing!

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12:04 AM  
Blogger lisalou said...

WTF about toddlers and tiaras for sure! Can you say bizarre?!
And as for all of the parenthood assvice people have been shoving at you-tell them to get stuffed. Or at least think it. Besides, for people like us, having gone through infertility or adoptions...I think the rough times are not quite so rough because we've longed, hoped and prayed for our babies for sooooooooooo freaking long. I know when my baby is nasty I just think to myself...hey, this is what you wanted... and sure this screaming sucks at this moment, but it's temporary. It's worth it. You will love being a parent. Love it. Besides, there IS a lot of pushing a beautiful babe in stroller in the sunshine while drinking coffee...and it rocks!
Mantra...early summer. Here's hoping!

9:22 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I'll admit, I really enjoy watching toddlers and tiaras. There's something about mothers who are so delusional that they are entertaining (and for all that the activity is bizarre I'm sure it's no worse for the kids than a day at the mall).

I definitely share the sentiment that the first few months are hard (having just come through them - my baby is 4 months old), but they are abosolutely and completely worth it, so don't let anyone get you down about it. I know that you have been waiting for ages for Finley and so you've had plenty of time to take care of your 'lasts' (at least for a while - last long, romantic dinner without having to worry about feeding/pumping/calling the babysitter, last sleeping in for a while, those type of things) but I think a lot of mothers are nostalgic for those things without realizing how long you've been waiting.

That said, once you have Finley you will hear "Enjoy it - they grow up so quickly" or some form of that sentiment probably daily when you take her out. I find it equally annoying. Obviously I'm panicked about missing a single moment and soaking it all up (through the sleep deprivation), and I hardly need constant reminders that my baby is growing up already. Which is just to say that people say stupid things to strangers a lot.

10:28 AM  
Blogger Kelli said...

I haven't commented in a while as well, but don't let what those people say get you down. When little Finn gets here you will be in awe at how wonderful and joyous motherhood will be.

I think that women who have struggled to get their babies are just so grateful. I know that my little girl will be my one and only baby, so I relish every baby moment, as I am sure you will too.

As far as friends go, come on ladies, let's show Jamie how much love the internet has for her!

8:05 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

The truth don't know until you have one.....but what they don't get is that you WANT to have the sleepless nights...You WANT to have the screaming infant with the overflowing pots from dinner on the stove and the messy house! Unfortunately, the insensitive comments come from people who take for granted what a miracle parenthood is - biological or otherwise.
Your infertility is going to make you appreciate and revel in each smile, cry, bump, milestone etc. Every step of the way. Don't let the ignorance get to you. That is what it is...just plain ignorance.
The hats are adorable - I have no talent in that regard.
Hopefully "early summer" comes early - keep the faith. The journey is almost at a wonderful exciting end.

7:08 AM  
Blogger Kriston said...

Yes, there are good times and hard times to being a parent but it is all worth it. The good times far out weigh the hard. You will sleep again. I had tried for years to have my daughter and lost several along the way and people would still say my life would change forever. Yes it did, but in a wonderful way. I'm praying your daughter will be here soon!

6:17 AM  
Blogger T. said...

Women who warn about the difficulties of child rearing most likely didn't go through years of infertility. Unlike them, you have had time to think about what you are getting into. Everyone would be a better parent (and a lot wouldn't be parents at all, by choice) if they had thought about the responsibility they were taking on, rather than getting pregnant easily or accidentally.
I don't have children, but 3+ years of infertility have given me a chance to think about the pluses and minuses of that.
I am in awe of your ability to induce lactation! I never imagined...

6:46 AM  

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