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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Making room for new dreams...

We are signing with an adoption agency this week. It is becoming more real every day... we are working on home study questions and I have begun to pull together the mounds of paperwork that will hopefully prove that we are worthy to love and raise a child of our own.

There will be more about the whole process to come. But for the last few days there has been something on my mind. I feel like it is time I let some dreams go to make room for new moments... so with you as my witnesses I am going to say goodbye to a few dreams that I have had for myself. Although we never know what the future holds... for now I am letting these things go so they can be replaced by new dreams that perhaps I have never even thought of

Goodbye to the dream of...

Watching the two pink lines appear on the pregnancy test

Getting to be the one that lets Mr. D. in on the secret that we are expecting a baby.

Having the first ultra sound and having Mr. D. hold my hand while we hear our babies heart beating for the first time.

Telling our parents in some uber-creative way that they are going to be grandparents... mine for the first time.

Announcing on my blog that I am pregnant and having all my reader friends congratulate me and support me through the scary parts.

Standing in front of the thousands of pregnancy books at Barnes and Nobel trying to figure out which one or three or ten to buy.

Finding out what "pregnancy pops" actually taste like.

Having my husband baby me like crazy and tell me not to lift things.

watching my baby bump grow each day.

Showing people my utrasound pictures of my little blob!

Craving weird foods and trying to guess what that means for the baby growing inside me.

Bitching about all my pregnancy symptoms.

Putting a pregnancy ticker on my blog.

Shopping for super cute maternity clothes with my mom.

Feeling the first flutters of movement in my belly.

Having Mr. D. touch my belly to feel our baby.

Having strangers want to rub my tummy.

Finding out the gender of our baby and picking out nursery colors based on a sonogram.

Having people want to be nice to me just because I am pregnant, swollen and grumpy.

Random people sharing their birth stories with me.

Drinking some sort of sticky orange flavored stuff and taking blood tests.

Having a 3D ultrasound.

Having a baby shower wearing a cute blue or pink maternity dress and balancing my plate on my tummy while people guess how huge I am with squares of toilet paper.

Going to classes to teach you how to breathe.

Looking at Mr. D. and saying "I think it's time..."

Joining the millions of women who have birthed a child and joining " the club."

Being proud of myself that my body "did what it was designed to do".

Having my baby place on my chest immediately after being born and sobbing.

Mr. D. cutting the cord.

Looking down at our child and saying "she looks just like.... (me, you, my mom, your niece..." )

I am saying goodbye to the fantasies today. I am officially making room for new things to come into my life.

*** I know that many of these things may seem unpleasant or mundane to many of you who have had a child... please please don't feel the need to say things like "maternity clothes never fit well" or "you are so lucky not to have to go through morning sickness"... because actually I wanted every single one of the experiences that come from being pregnant... good and bad. Those are the moments that you are somehow being prepared to become a mother... moments where your body is reminding you of what is to come... moments where you feel the life growing inside you. It is very sad for me to give up these moments and I grieve them. But, we are making the decision and the choice to move past that pain and step toward creating our family in a different way.

Thanks for being my witnesses.


Blogger Carrie said...

That was beautiful and made me cry. Every day I feel like I'm one more step closer to making that decision to just move on. Unfortunately, my husband is so far behind me that he still thinks having timed sex each month is going to magically get me pregnant.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Hekateris said...

It was beautiful.

But I have to say that even though it's not going to be traditional, your parents will be grandparents, and you're going to have lots of congratulations when you get that baby. I, for one, fully expect pictures.

Nonetheless, I wish you could make these dreams come true - and who knows, maybe someday they will.

9:54 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I know this wasn't what you dreamed of when you envisioned having children with the man of your dreams...regardless, you are going to be an amazing mother.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Claudia said...

I think you're well on your way to finding peace. Keep us posted how the adoption plans go.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Tammie said...

Oh I am so excited. I can't wait to see what the stork brings you. Oh the fun this child will have with the two of you... fabulous vacations, great pumpkin carvings and best of LOVE from TWO WONDERFUL PARENTS.

Please don't keep us hanging. We want to go through this experience with you!

10:36 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I cried when I read this. I feel like I have been here with you through most of this and I have wanted so badly to hear you talk about some of those things, too. However, I am really excited now to hopefully soon be reading about all the new things coming in your life, including a child! :-)

12:25 PM  
Blogger Honeycutt Family said...

Beautiful, touching post. Thank you for sharing your heart with us...
I have a very good friend going through adoption right now (they just finished their home studies) and she too had to mourn all of these things. It is heart-breaking. I have heard that you will also mourn a bit when you hold your baby for the first time and wish that YOU had birthed them, but LOVING THEM SOOOOO MUCH and being soooo thankful for their little life at the same time. Does that make sense? I think it will be normal to mourn not nursing them and having them come out of your body, but knowing that he/she is YOUR baby, nonetheless.
Thinking of you as you move forward one step closer to becoming parents! :)

1:09 PM  
Blogger twinboysmom said...

Thank you for sharing Jamie!! I am looking foward to congratulating you in the very (fingers-crossed) near future!

2:41 PM  
Blogger wanttobeamom said...

Any time you embrace something new, you have to let go of what you were holding onto before. I'm sorry that your letting go causes you some grief. I am excited for you, however, because of the wonderful new path you are embracing. You may not be preparing to be a mother in the ways you thought you would, but you ARE preparing to be a mother. You preparation can only help you! God bless you and your husband! I will keep praying for you.

3:52 PM  
Blogger MrsSSG said...

I wish you and Mr. D nothing but the best on your journey, I have been a lurker since 2006 and used to go by the name Hoping - anyways from the beginning of my lurking to Mr. D's superbowl commercial to now.....I wish you the best.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

This was the most bittersweet thing I've read in a long time. I wish you nothing but the best as you pursue your new dreams. I can't wait to read more about your new adventure and share in the joy WHEN you become a mother. XOXO

5:38 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

But you know 100% that you are going to be a mom! Giving up all of that to make your dream come true is well worth it!

7:00 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

It is amazing that you are letting these things go and giving yourself time to grieve them. I can't imagine and I know it will be a very hard journey for you after wanting it for so long. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

7:33 PM  
Blogger Z said...

your writing is beautiful...your strength is inspiring...

7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was a very beautiful post. I just want to say, that while you will be losing some dreams (and I am so sorry for that) will be making someone else's dreams come true. And not everybody gets a chance to do that! You will be a fabulous mother.

8:07 PM  
Blogger Sassy said...

I'm so sorry you're saying goodbye to all those things. *hug*

8:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It made me sad to read your post. Sad because of all you have already been through and for what you have missed out on. I always thought I would come to your Blog one day and read those amazing 3 words but I am relieved and feel full of anticipation for what your future now holds and that is a beautiful baby that you will be able to love and share all of your warmth and caring nature with.
Whichever baby gets to be yours will be one of the most blessed this world holds.
Keep us updated and take care.
Love Lesley

9:57 PM  
Blogger Alexandra said...

Yes....exactly. On the other side of this having completed the adoption I still mourn these things. IT is less. But still there. Adoption is not the same as doing it the "normal way". Peoples reactions to it are different, not out of meanness but just not knowing what each step is equivalent to. Of course, before anyone takes this the wrong way that there has never been a child more loved or more mine! That part is the same. But, some of those moments you true. I wish I could say that I have found a place for all of those feelings, but I have not. It is just the bittersweet part of life.

I am so excited for you!

Alexandra/Infertile Gourmet

12:12 AM  
Blogger Hello Kelli said...

I am so glad you write this blog! You are such a help to us all going thru this.

4:30 AM  
Blogger Bea said...

Can't wait to see the new space fill up with good things. I'm just sorry you had to let so many of the old things go to make that space.


5:29 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

no matter what, the room you've just made is "custom made" for the baby that will be your's. I will be thinking good thoughts for you as this process continues, it may not be a real pregnancy, but it's going to bring your child to you and Mr D and that Jamie, is a miracle no matter how it happens.
*big hugs*

6:07 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

Sad but so beautifully written.
Letting go is so hard but moving forward is amazing.

7:16 AM  
Blogger Linda S said...

So beautifully written. With that one post, you've explained some of the pain of infertility to many many people.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I am not going to say the "make it better words". That was a powerful list and you are strong for being able to actually write it out and let it go.
What I am going to say is this. The mommy list - the list of fantasies that you still will be able to fullfill is Long. It is so long and wonderful and scary and fulfilling, exasperating and heart breaking all at the same time. Good luck to you Jaime.

8:50 AM  
Blogger Nattsblurbs said...

Gosh, I know we've never met but I totally feel like I know you so well!
My name is Natally, and I have been reading your blog on and off for the past "3" years! I know, I don't have a life lol. I have found you to be so inspiring to women like my self. My husband and I have been ttc for the past 8 years. We've tried everything from IVF (failed), to surrogacy (also failed due to a miscarriage). Private adoption (best friends little sister who was in high school got pregnant and said we could adopt her baby, that also obviously didn't work out...) And now we have been waiting since October of 07 with a fabulous adoption agency. We hope to have our little baby by the end of this year!!!
I am so happy that you chose adoption. You seem like such a nice, well rounded couple, and I firmly believe that more people like you need to open their hearts to adoption.
I also cried when I read this post. It's so hard to let go of this dream.. but I only keep reminding myself that if it weren't for the "letting go" part, I wouldn't be have room for the "new part".
The best to you both!

11:18 AM  
Blogger Supergirl72 said...

Thank you for this beautiful and moving post. I too want to experience and feel these things. Good luck and God bless.

3:44 PM  
Blogger Bugsy said...

ok that made me cry so much. Except the "Looking at Mr. D and saying "i think it is time" " cause that in reality would probably be "holy heck i can't cope with these contractions any more, take me to the hospital for some pain relief".

i wish with all my heart you could experience each and every one of these things. I will still hold hope that one day you will.

Perhaps it is time to set up some new dreams like :
"getting that phone call to say "we have a child for you""

"meeting your child for the first time and knowing that this child has just been born in your heart"

"introducing your child to your family and friends"

"hearing your child call you Mumma for the first time"

"having your child run up to you and hug you, just because"

There are lots of lovely dreams in there hun.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Char said...

Wow. What you've written there is exactly what I'm processing at the moment with our imminent adoption. I will be thinking of you sooooo much in the upcoming weeks. You're in my prayers too! Hugs x

3:00 AM  
Blogger Sporty said...

The best of luck to you and Mr. D., Jamie. I am sorry that you are having to let go of all those things, but think of the ones that you are about to embrace and the journey that you are about to begin.

I believe that you and Mr. D. will make wonderful parents. Your baby will be very lucky to have parents that want him/her so badly!

I am glad to see that you are going to realize the dream of having a baby of your own.

Take care and thinking of you. As are in my prayers.

3:57 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Hi Jaime,

I could have written that post a year ago myself. I ended up getting pregnant and having our baby girl (after three miscarriages) and without trying to sound overly optimistic and annoying I do just want to say that you never know what might happen and just when you close this door you might find it opens up again. I am like you too in needing to end a chapter of my life before I can start a new one so I totally understand what you are doing. I think it helps to focus on your new hopes and dreams and creating new possibilities. My wish for you is that all your dreams come true!

12:36 PM  
Blogger ErinMary said...

Wow, I'm really excited for you, Jamie. You and I met so long ago when we both were going through a miscarriage--a lifetime ago. I wish your journey had been an easier one for you. As always, my thoughts are with you as you move through this time with your husband.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Frenchie said...

I could write the very same list. Thank you for sharing this.

Thinking of you as you forge ahead toward your "new" list.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Rob, Kim and Aelyn said...

I lurk occassionally as I have been in the same spot as you over recent years. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Trust me you do say "goodbye" to some dreams but you make others. And, the thing I most wanted to do was let my husband know we were pregnant in a special way. We recently adopted a beautiful baby girl and I did get to let him know in that special way when the TPR papers were signed. You are going to be a wonderful mother and you won't forget all of this heartache but it definitely fades. Here's to hoping you have a very short wait until that child is in your arms.


11:13 AM  
Blogger Cece said...

This mad emy cry. I had all these same thought. We tried for 3 years and had several dissapointments along the way. I would always think that no matter what, we would have a child - but when the discussion turned to apodtion - I knew I would be ok with it - but I really was excited to expereince all the crap that comes with pregnancy and have the stories that every mother tells.

I know it's hard now - but like many have said - you'll just have a new, different set of dreams.

6:50 AM  
Blogger luna said...

I came over from mel. this is so perfectly achingly beautiful. ~luna

7:28 AM  
Blogger Malloryn said...

Thank you so much for sharing this list. I feel that I am on the cusp of making one very much like it. I wish you and your husband the very best along your new path.

7:43 AM  
Blogger SarahSews said...

This is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. Mel sent me and she sure does know how to pick them.

I'm so sorry you had to make this list and say goodbye to all those things. There was a time, a long time, when I thought I'd have to say goodbye to them too. And just thinking about it broke my heart. Not to mention actually doing it. You are stronger than I am.

I hope the rest of your journey to parenthood is short.

8:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm here from the Roundup, too. This post is tragically beautiful. I agree with previous posters who said that you'll be developing a new list of things to look forward to, but I also know that bidding these fantasies farewell has to hurt clear to your bones. Your child, when s/he finds his/her way to you, will be one of the luckiest children in all the world.

10:07 AM  
Blogger SAHW said...

I found you through Mel's round-up as well...your post is so beautiful and thoughtful. It's so hard to let go of those dreams we've had for so long, but I pray that as you say good-bye to these dreams new dreams of motherhood are fulfilled for you very soon.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

I'm here through the roundup...

Your post was beautiful, as many of the others have said It really was, though, and there's no better way to say it!! Except, perhaps, that it was heartbreakingly beautiful.

As an adoptive mom, though, I want to encourage you some...You can still possibly do many of the things, just in a different way! You can tell your parents when you're matched maybe, or get a phone call that "it's time" to come to the hospital/agency/wherever to meet your child.

It's even possible your husband WILL be cutting the cord, depending on the situation (my husband did when our daughter was born). We have a bio son and I'll say also that the call to rush to be with her birthmom because it "was time" last year was as crazy and exciting as realizing it was TIME for our bio son to come.

And if you have an open adpoption or birthparent pics (I'm sorry if that's a stupid comment, like I said, I'm here from the roundup) you can still share the joy of seeing this person or that person in your child. The other day when we visited with our daughter's bio family it was so funny to hear that so and so walked late, too, or that so and so sits just like she sits...I know it's not the same, but there's wonder in it at the miracle of life, too.

You're so right...there are things that you are letting go of...and there are things you can now embrace.

I hope that this wasn't what you didn't want to hear. I'm not saying in ANY way that giving up those dreams isn't tough or monumental or that these new moments will make up for those losses...that's not true...but just to tell you that it'll be wonderful and spectacular in it's own way.

Congratulations on starting your second journey. Good luck!!

12:18 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

I feel humbled by your honesty and integrity....I have read your blog for a while and wished so hard for your baby to happen but it seems wishes will come true but maybe a different shape and pathway!

10:31 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Having read your blog for years now, I too, mourn and grieve with you. However, I look forward to hearing about your new dreams and your new journeys throughout life.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

What an amazing post. I feel like you put words to my feelings. DH and I just found out IVF#4 failed and we've decided to move on to adoption. I am struggling with letting go of those dreams you wrote about. The ones I just used to assume would come true for me. I'm excited about adoption, but I mourn for what I will be missing. I can't wait to read about your new dreams.

6:50 PM  
Blogger Danyelle said...

Pregnancy is only nine short months that believe it or not are soon forgotten. It seems like you feel like you are somehow missing out on part of the experience of being a mother - but you are not. A baby brings a lifetime of joy that is difficult to describe but soon you will know what I mean. I was (and currently am) one of the miserable pregnant women you despise. From my experience, feeling the baby move and the other things you describe are wonderful but are truly NOTHING in comparison to the first time your child smiles at you, the first time he/she reaches out to hold on to your neck as you snuggle, the first time you hear "mama", and the first time he/she runs away as you try to diaper their tiny little bum!! Falling in love with your little one each day through these type of tiny milestones is what motherhood is about. You have all of this in store for you with your little girl as well - regardless of whether or not you actually went through the whole pregnancy thing. I can't write nearly as well as you do, but I hope I am getting my point across. You have so much joy in store for you!!

10:19 AM  

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