What would you choose?
Update... OMG! You have got to check out my comments to this one. I can't imagine what in the world set this woman off... but wow... I haven't had a troll like this is a loooong time. It always surprizes me when people who don't know me, my relationships, my family, and my religious beliefs find is so easy to judge me. I know I put my thoughts and feelings out in the world... so I have to be prepared for people to comment... but holy shit... does anyone deserve to be so harshly judged as this "christian" woman has done to me?... especially on a subject so benign as this one.
So... Here goes... Whatever lady. You don't know me or my life and certainly not my relationship with God. As a 24 year old very fertile woman you have never experienced the pain and frustration that I have to endure over almost 5 years of infertility. Someday, when life is crashing down around you you will remember this moment of callousness and hurtfulness that you caused with your "Godly" words of wisdom and you will whisper an apology to the fertile woman out there who you judged with your fundamentalist hatefulness... because as the bible reminds us... you will reap what you have sewn today. Someday, maybe soon, you will remember your words and regret them. And I want you to remember at that moment, when you are in despair over whatever karma hands to you, that on this day... I forgave you... because I am a Christian and the loving, generous, faithful, and kind God I believe in would want me to.
Please don't ever post here again.
How do people make this decision??? Can you help me think?
Agency #1
small agency - 5 hours away
No one has ever had to wait more than 12 months for their baby
semi-open... (updates to birth mother but no identifying info unless both parties agree)
agency matches parent and birth mother... birth mother does not choose
You get a call when there is a baby available... once the baby is born...
baby may be mixed race, Hispanic, or Caucasian with possible drug use or smoking during preg.
Takes on only 10 couples at a time... so it is more of a "numbers game" When you are in the #1 slot you are basically in line for the "next baby".
Agency believes that God will provide the "right" baby for the parents
You are given the "right" to turn down a child if you don't feel it is the baby for you... no penalty... you stay in the #1 slot until you get a child.
$19,750 flat fee for adoption... "as long as that takes"
Agency #2
huge agency in large city 20 minutes away
18 - 24 month wait
open adoption - encouraged to continue some sort of relationship with the birth mother
birth mother chooses parents.... through photos, information, & interviews
You can be chosen by the birth mother at any time... "go through pregnancy" with the birth mother
You must be open to (a) a baby that is full African American (B) documented drug use in birth mother, or (C) documented mental issues with one birth parent... if you are open to 2 of the above you may get a child sooner
Has "many" waiting families... you wait until a birth mother chooses you.
If you choose not to accept a child at birth then you have to wait until another birth mother chooses you
$150 interview fee, $400 adoption classes, $1200 home study fee, $17,000 adoption fee + any medical expenses that the birth mother may have (if uninsured and not on medicaid.)
I need advice... I am so scared to be "lost" in a big agency just out for $$$$ but I am scared of "scams" that you hear about from smaller agencies. I have had Lawyer Jen check out both agencies and both seem to be on the up and up and free of complaints file against them (I lourve you Jen!!!)
If anyone lives in my North Texas area and has experience with adoption please leave me a message about what you did... or I would be happy to send you the web addresses and let you check out the sites (I just didn't think it was a good idea to post it here.)
Love to everyone. Sorry I have been so quiet... just making plans and doing a little research... plus March is my craziest time at work!!!
Looking forward to hearing from you all!
posted by Mrs. D. @ 4/17/2008 05:25:00 AM
33 Comments:
I think if it were me, based on the info you gave, I would lean towards agency #1. It sucks that it's so far away from you, but I always tend toward the smaller, more "personal" businesses of any type - I especially would want a personal experience with adoption. It will likely end up being the more inexpensive option by the time you figure in the birth mother's medical costs, etc. Does agency #1 have any stipulations on the distance they will go to work with adoptive parents - like will they be willing to come 5 hours to see you for a homestudy? Plus it's a little nicer to know that the agency is matching you up with the child that they think best suits you - it's not as much of a popularity contest. Wishing you lots of luck! xoxo
I would ask the person that is doing your homestudy. They are likely to have a lot of experience with local (and not so local) agencies.
I live in NY and we were considering Buckner in Texas---you might want to look at their information.
Other than that I think option one would be the better experience.
Good luck!
Christie
I am a long-time lurker but thought I should come out and voice my opinion.
In an open adoption, you are letting someone you have no knowledge of enter your family. You may not get along with the birth family. You may not like the birth family. The birth family could be people you would never-in-your-life associate with. That could be a huge problem. They could be intrusive without a thought to your privacy, concerns, parenting ability or style.
I vote for option #1. I also believe that the right baby will know you and you will know her/him. You'll know if it's right.
Karen B.
Hi. Came here from Stirrup Queens. First, some resources for you.
1. I wrote (in general terms) about choosing an agency here: http://weebleswobblog.blogspot.com/2007/12/20-questions-guide-to-choosing-adoption.html
2. You may wish to join a small private community at forums.foreverparents.com. There are people there who can give you specific advice on these two situations, and maybe even help you find a better agency in your area.
Second, I want to add that I've been in an open adoption for over 7 years now, and I consider it a wonderful thing. I think it's very healthy and helpful for my daughter, too. I'd be glad to answer any questions you have on openness. It seems scary at first because it's unknown.
You may or may not end up liking the birth family. But saying no based on that is like saying no to the man of your dreams when he proposes because you don't want his family as inlaws.
I firmly believe that loving/respecting your child's birthfamily (which is easy to do when the birhmom is making a loving, conscious decision, as opposed to having social services remove the child) is a way of loving/respecting your child.
I think it's very exciting for you to have the choice between the two. Whatever you decide, the important thing is to bring a child into your lives to parent. Best of luck and lots of love to you and the mister. I'm glad to hear from you again!
I really have no advice, but I would tend to go with #1. I have a friend who went thru an agency like that and things have worked out beautifully.
I just want to wish you the bet of luck in making a decision. I cannot wait to hear that you have YOUR baby in your arms. Because I know that you will get the baby that you are meant to have. I am so excited for you! I have been lurking for about 4 years and have been cheering for you to get your dream!
I'd go with Agency #1.
Reasons:
(1) Limited contact with birth parents
(2) Shorter wait time
(3) Flat fee
(4) Personalized service
(5) You have option of saying "no" and NOT losing your place in line (whoa, that's HUGE!)
(6) Because agency does the arranging, you are not put into position of having to schmooze or bond with birth parents that later switch to another couple (for whatever reason)
We will probably do domestic adoption for Kid #2, for what it's worth. And given what you have told us, husband and I would go with Agency #1.
It is such a personal decision. What works best for one person, might be out of line for another person. I have to agree with Lori, though. Don't rule out anything out of hand based on an adoption being "open". An open adoption can mean many different things--anything from pictures and letters once a year to full-on openness with visits, etc. It usually is something that would be discussed/negotiated before the baby is born. I'm also happy to share my experience with you if you're interested. Wishing you tons of luck whichever way you go!
If it were me, I'd look at agency #1. I like that you don't lose your place if you don't like the sound of a birth mother or situation.
Also find out the age that you the baby will be turned over to you, here in Florida, some small agencies work with the state, and they cannot turn the baby over to adoptive parents right away, they have to go to foster care first until the case is played out in court (abandoned babies, mothers who turn their newborns over to the state, etc)
You want the baby as soon as possible.
From what I've researched, domestic, private adoption is the best way to go. I'm really excited for you!!!
Hi there! I have been quietly following your story for some time now. I want to chime in on everything Ms.J said - each of those reasons seem to be really big pluses for agency one. Not losing your spot, personal service, knowing how much it will cost up front...those would weigh heavily in my mind towards that agency. Best of luck to you with which ever you and your husband choose!
Hi there! I have been quietly following your blog for some time now. I wanted to chime in with what Ms.J said - her comments are compelling arguments for agency one. Staying at the top of the list, personal service, knowing what the fee will be up front...these all seem like great reasons in favor of agency one. Best of luck with whichever one you and your husband choose!
Let me go against the crowd and say I would go for agency number 2 if I had to choose between the 2, but might keep looking if I wasn't comfortable,.
Please consider open adoption, I think it makes a huge difference to your child later on. Most adoptees at some point want to know where they came from and it's a lot easier if they've always known the family they came from at least to some extent. lori is of course the real expert on this.
And btw, why does some agency think they know better than an expectant mother who the best parents are for their child? Why shouldn't someone choose a home for the child they are giving birth to?
Good luck with this, it is an exciting path you are on.
Glad you updated!
I don't have any advice, since I don't know enough to give my input. Just wanted to tell you that I support this and I think it's wonderful!!
First off, my perspective is a little different. I'm a birth mother. I gave up my baby one day after my 19th birthday. I never smoke or drank or did drugs, and was probably the ideal birth mother. We did an open adoption and her parents are literally like my big brother and sister. We see each other about 2-3 times a year, but talk on the phone about once a month. The girl is almost 12 and it's been a great relationship. I am so thankful that her parents chose to do an open adoption, because it lessened the pain for me and the fear of who is going to care for my child.
I was different from the birth mothers who result is horror stories, because I was mature and was giving up my child because I knew I couldn't provide for her the way she deserved. It hurt so bad but I went through with the adoption because I knew the parents, I mean really knew them. I had established a relationship with them and couldn't cause them the pain of taking way the child I had promised them. Knowing them before the baby was born was better for me.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing this with you, except maybe to tell you open adoption can be a good thing and knowing the birth mother beforehand can be a good thing. Your post made it sound like you weren't excited about the idea of an open adoption, so I wanted to let you know it isn't always bad. And it is easier on the child in the long run -- less emotional abandonment issues that way and they can always ask me about medical history questions.
And one more thing -- I don't think of this girl as my daughter. I am not her mother. It isn't like that. It's more like an aunt-neice relationship, for both of us. Her mom is the wonderful woman who adopted her.
I've been praying for you for a couple years and will continue to do so. I hope your adoption process is as wonderful as mine was.
I'm SO glad you're considering adoption. I have been thinking of you such a lot - especially this week with all the COMMOTIONS on this side with our adoption...
But back to your question... Which agency resonates with you right now? I think it is so important to follow your heart with this. There are so many other "things" to consider and if you go with your heart, at least when the going gets tough, you won't second-guess your decision.
Robin and I are in the middle of adopting a baby that will be born on the 9th of June. We chose a private social worker (I don't know if you guys have private social workers in the States?) because she helps to put individuals in touch with individuals. The procedure with us was that we submitted a "dear birthmom" letter which was given to a couple. They chose us. We met up. And now I get to go with the birthmom to all the scans etc. which is FABULOUS for us.
I don't know how things work in the states, but consider which will land up meeting your emotional needs, above your financial. In the end, adoption is expensive regardless. Your emotional needs are more vulnerable usually than your financial. (I speak for myself here though...)
Is travelling in the USA quite expensive? Every time Robin and I travel to the city for our adoption meetings, it costs us one eighth of our salary. So, gawsh, it all adds up. But then, it's still cheaper than fertility treatments, and at least this way, there is a desired outcome at the end of it, and not a huge question mark.
Wow - you are facing a huge decision. BUT, adoption is WONDERFUL!!! Thank goodness for adoption, otherwise there would be NO CHANCE for me and Robin to have a family.
I will be thinking of you lots more now! c",)
I say, just go with your gutt.
love & hugs xxx
I just want to let you know that whatever path you choose, I know that your child is on it's way to you. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you every good thing as you start on this journey. No matter the path, the joy of bringing your child home is the one thing you deserve so much.
Much luck and love
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I definitely don't envy you this difficult choice.
I have a friend that used to work for Buckner in TX and loved their agency. I have another friend that is currently in the middle of the adoption process with Bethany (in CO, but I believe they are nation-wide).
One thing to remember for the cost is that you will get a HUGE tax refund after you adopt (I think another friend that used Bethany got about $11,000 back).
Hoping and praying for you as you get one step closer to meeting your child...
Love,
Jen (in CO)
Oh my goodness!
I just read most of the comments that were left before me and I read the very rude comment from the Henegar Family. I am so sorry that you were subjected to such hatred! Please know that not all Christians are so self-righteous! If someone doesn't like what you have to say on YOUR blog, then they should just stop reading!
Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for her judgement and uncalled for comment. People that have not been through infertility have NO IDEA what we go through. You are so loved and (from what I have read and know about you) will be a GREAT mommy!
Jen
I have been lurking on your site for quite a while - throughout my own struggles with miscarriage and infertility. The post from the Henegar Family angered me so much that I am forced to comment. I am shocked that someone who calls herself a Christian would write something so vile and judgemental on your blog. NONE of us deserve the children that we are blessed with - that's why we call them blessings. And miscarriages and infertility are certainly not punishments. We live in a fallen and imperfect world, where bad things happen to good people. And conversely, social workers are forced to take babies away from drug addicts and child abusers. There is nothing FAIR about it.
To Henegar Family: I don't deserve the 7 week old baby that I was just blessed with after 5 very painful years of praying. The Lord in his infinite grace and mercy gave me this angel to borrow during my time here on earth. And please don't ever go on this site and post something so hateful. How could you in your 24 years EVER be so bold as to profess to know the plans of our omnicient heavenly Father? He has a plan for this family, and He is the one that will judge all of us one day - that's not your job. My Christian encouragement group has prayed 34 babies into this world -all from the most wonderful women who have faced the crisis of infertility and recurrent miscarriage. Being sad and desperately desiring a child is not a bad thing. In fact, it is a perfectly healthy way to deal with a situation that you are reminded of each and every day when you step out of your house and see all of the pregnant women at the mall.
Mrs. D - your desire to be a parent shows your selflessness. I wish you and your husband the best and I can hardly wait to read about the expansion of your future family.
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I'm over here from Millie's, let me know if you ever want to chat adoption or if you want me to send you an invite to my private blog. We completed a semi-open (on the open side) about seven months ago, and I always love to tell people more about it!
I really have no idea why you have a stranger stopping by and telling you such odd things. Odd!!
Doesn't sound like Ms Henegar Family has much Christian forgiveness in her at all. In fact, I would say that it sounds like she is still very angry at the loss of her child. That, I don't blame her for, but preaching to you that you're undeserving is simply ridiculous. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain that this commenter has been put through and my heart breaks for her in that regard. However, it is a very un-Christian thing to preach such hate and nonsense to someone else! I'm sure if she took the time to look in a mirror and ask herself if she is truly acting as God or Jesus would in her place, she'd have quite the epiphany.
I am a lurker here. Just wanted to say that I wish you all the best in your adoption. My nephew was adopted 26 years ago and he is no less a part of this family than the children who are "biologically" related to me. He was given the choice a few years ago of finding his birth mother and didn't want to do so. He is happy with the family he has and, while he understands his birth mother gave him up for all the right reasons, he just feels no need to meet her.
All the best.
Okay, I am a long time lurker and silent cheerleader, but I just went to little Miss "I love Jesus"'s blog and tore her a new one about the blog post she wrote today. She is TOTALLY out of line and is filled with hate, not God's love...that's for sure! I hope she didn't upset you too much.
Much love!
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I never got to read her original comment, but it doesn't sound like it was pretty.
I'm kind of confused over her apology though since she left a huge posting on her blog devoted just to you and how horrible you are for hurting.
I had my sleeves rolled up for a troll battle, a la Lord of the Rings. Wow, I missed it all. Sounds like it was pretty nasty. Gah, blogtrolling is so 2006.
I'm so sorry you were hurt by those posts, Jamie. Yes, she is in pain due to the loss of her son and I feel for that but it does not give her the right to bash others for their pain. Pain is relative - what is one person's pain my not be someone else's but as Christian brothers and sisters, we should help each other when we're in a time of need. We are called to reach out when we see that someone is hurting. Not slam each other because our pain may be different. Infertility is very painful and as we all know, no one can understand that completely until they've walked a mile in an infertile woman's shoes.
All my love to you and I wish you the best with your decision on the agency. XOXO
Hi Long time lurker here. We adopted privately and would never go through an agency. Only reason there is only one in our area and we hated them. They pushed the "OPEN" part way too much. We ended up working with an attorney and did all of our own advertising...it was a bit tense at times, but after 7.5 months of waiting we were matched...we were with the agency and never even profiled! Our son came home at 2days old. We have a semi-open adoption. It is great! Our birthmother gets letters and photos once a month and she calls when she wants too. She only has 4 times in 8.5 months. We would go private again and again...please visit our blog and email me if you have any questions! Good luck and you are making a great decision! Hugs and Blessings! DOn't worry about what that woman wrote...trolls are all over...monitor your comments! That is what I do!
Hi, long time lurker.
I was adopted at 5 months old and never new my birth mother or her name. I had a few letters she had written the agency about my family history and I had a wonderful life. My parents have always been open with me wanting to find her and when I turned 19 we finally met face to face. I like the idea of not know the birthmother from your prespective, it gives you the space to be the mother and not having to worry about confusion or the mother being too invasive. If she truely is to meet her child again one day she'll leave contact information like mine did. I appreciated that she let me live my youth with my parents and allowed me to seek her out if I had wished. Adoption is a beautiful thing I am so happy you are looking in that direction
You have a big decison to make but whatever you decide will be right. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice that would help you make such a huge decision.
I hope that woman who left the comments on your blog can get the help she needs, very sad.
Hope your alright, as she had no right coming here to attack you as she did.
Hugs, have a stress free day.
Luv lesley
Hi Jamie
It's me again. Wow - what a battle has been raging on your blog. My shattered nerves. All I can say is this: nobody deserves infertility. The same with cancer. Or with death. It is not a judgement from God. God did not design us to live unhappy, unfulfilled lives. He designed us to live in a PERFECT environment. Where sin never existed. He created us with all the baby-making bits we would need. He told Adam and Eve to "go forth and multiply" BEFORE sin arrived. So, it is always within God's original plan for us to find our partners and then do just that: go forth and multiply. The fact that many of us can't have children of our own is as a result of sin. Not a punishment. But a result of sin, and the fact that over the centuries illness has crept into our lives, because of sin. I hope I'm making sense. So, your (and my) inability to carry a child to term is because illness exists. Not because you've gone and done something to call down the wrath of God on your life! Cancer exists. Infertility exists. Death exists. We are all stuck on this planet for the time being, stuck in a place where unhappiness happens. Where we get stuck with the consequences of generation after generation of sin breaking down our bodies. That's how I understand it, at least. So, don't think that you have done something wrong, Jamie. Infertility sux. It's life-changing and heart-breaking. And many studies reveal that the mourning experienced by people staring infertility (and miscarriage) in the face is the same type of trauma faced by people in mourning after the death of a family member. (Maybe not the death of a child...) But the same "type" of mourning. Except it's ongoing. Every month, every failed attempt is pain renewed. Don't underestimate the power, nor the vailidity, of that type of pain.
And adoption? Adoption is the GREATEST gift of life that an infertile person could ever receive. The gift of a life - a little person who can be loved and cherished by you - not to mention a future for a child that would otherwise have spent his or her life in an institution, devoid of "family". That is the gift of adoption.
I hope you choose the right agency. Like I said before - you go with your gut. And please don't stop blogging because someone else misunderstood you. Because someone stood on your toes. Your response to the person was so good Jamie. Now, please don't go into hibernation.
The rest of us who read your blog really love you and will miss you terribly if this "war of words" made you disappear from blogging!
Hugs xxx
Well, I am always a day late on seeing stuff like this (your troll)-and I check your site daily, how I missed your adoption post (which is really what I want to comment on) is beyond me.
We have 2 internationally adopted children, so I have NO experience on the domestic side. If it were me, I would go with agency #1, they just seemed to have a better feel to me, but again I have no experience with domestic.
I really just wanted to say good luck and adoption really is a wonderful way to complete your family. My husband and I have not regretted our decision even one time, our children are truly a blessing and we could not have have "made" 2 children as perfect as these are.
I hope to see more posts from you in the future (hope your troll doesn't scare you off).
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