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Friday, August 18, 2006

I told you so...

Dear Uterus,
What the fuck is your goddamn problem??? Why can't you do ANYTHING right??? I hate you Ute... you are such a big fat disappointment. (Ovaries... quit your laughing.... you bitches are on my shit list too... so I suggest you keep your fucking traps shut!)

Ok.. Ute... I don't really hate you.. I still think you have potential... it is not to late to redeem yourself by realizing it is really time to quit fucking around and do your job. I mean isn't 34 years enough party time? Isn't it time to grow up and fulfill your life's purpose? You are not getting any younger Ute... and if you don't wake up soon you might just miss the chance to carry a baby.. don't you want that? All the other Uteruses are doing it. Frankly... they are starting to talk about your lack of motivation... they think that you are a fuck up.

Ok... Please think about what I have said over the next 48 hours. And for the love of GOD... let's shed that old lining and get a whole new wardrobe for next month. We can start fresh Ute... it will be just like the old days... I promise. I love you Uttie-pie... I know that you can do this. ( And if you don't I see a nice big needle full of chemical d&c in your very near future and neither of us want that now do we?)


I broke down and called the Nurse today. I woke up this morning with the WORST headache and general terrible PMS-ish feeling of nausea, cramping, and bloating. In my despair that the toilet paper is still lily white I decided I would make the dreaded call.

A Play in One Act:
ME: Yeah.. it has been 12 days since my last provera and nothing. I am sure it is totally nothing right? But.. I am getting a little worried.

NP: Well... sometimes it takes up to 2 whole weeks. In fact give it to 2 weeks one day, if nothing by Tuesday then call me back.

ME: (gulp) What does that mean?... I mean... if I don't start by then.

NP: Uhmmmm... let's not worry about that yet.

ME: (already way worried) Seriously... what if I don't start.

NP: Well... we may have to give you a little something else.

ME: No!!! I mean I can't... (almost in tears) Please... I have felt really bad these last 2 weeks... I mean this is really making my hormones crazy. I feel like a monster... No. More. Hormones.

NP: Then let's hope you get a *little blessing* this weekend.... but you have to call me on Tuesday if you don't start...

(aannnnd scene.)

I have to say NP was totally nice. And I really like her... but I feel like I am about to lose it now. And I can't imagine having to take "a little something else"... This is so not fair.

(*** Little blessing is only referring to AF... I have been way to worried about taking the provera and the possible side effect to an embryo to ttc this month... so go ahead and add celibacy to my long list of bitches... just call me Paris.)


Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

Ugggh. I hope it's over soon for you and you don't need anything else.

I have heard that they sometimes go right to another round of Clomid and "pretend" your cycle has *restarted*. Maybe that's what they would do. Anyway - I hope you don't have to worry about that.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Heather W. said...

I really hope you don't mind that I post here. Please email me if you do.

But I just have to say, that was the funniest letter! Glad you have somewhat of a sense of humor during this time of aggravation!!

I am really hoping for you this next cycle! I would love to see you get a BFP girly!!

7:01 AM  
Blogger jungle dream pagoda said...

That was some clever writing,I especially loved "aaand scene".

I guess my head has been in the sand. I did not realize the ,day to day struggles,youhave gone through.
Would LOVE to tea-party with the girls.

7:49 AM  
Blogger Beret said...

That *was* great writing Jamie. I'm so sorry AF is taking her sweet time and you are feeling so crappy.


9:44 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

When it rains, it pours. I hate Af with a passion but I hope for your sake, she comes soon.

I did chuckle at your letter to Ute...very passionate indeed! :)

5:10 AM  
Anonymous Jamie in Virginia said...

Wow! Finally, someone that understands and can relate to exactly how bad it sucks trying to get pregnant with no success!! I happened to stumble onto your blog and really enjoyed reading all your entries. We have so much in commmon! I too, am trying to get pregnant and I think my uterus and your uterus are on vacation somewhere together!!

I am 32 and had a m/c 3 years ago, since then I have been trying, and trying and trying to get prego...with no luck. Just recently, I went to the doc and she put me on Provera for 5 days, then Clomid (cd1-5), then Estradiol (cd8-14), then Prometrium (cd17-AF). Well, what a lovely ride this has been. I am eating everything under the sun, with crazy ass mood swings, vision changes and I am so tired I almost fell asleep in the grocery store the other day! If this doesn't do the trick, my husband and I are going to look into the IVF route.

I loved your list of "things that do not help to get you pregnant". The one I hear the most is "plan something that you could never afford or do pregnant and it will happen by Murphy's Law." Can I just tell you that I have been to Italy, France, London, Germany, California, Texas, Hawaii, New York, Maine and my husband has been to Iraq. a piece of &$@#!!!
Wishing you an AF soon!

3:16 PM  
Blogger Felicia said...

I just went through what you're going through a couple of months ago. After all the times I took Provera or Prometrium it was the first time it didn't work. I had to wait 2 weeks and a day & call. Then I had to take estrogen for 31 days, take a higher dose of Prometrium for the last 10 of those days and finally AF showed. Apparently my lining had gotten too thin with all the other hormones I had taken. And yes, that month of estrogen did make me all hormone-y but those last 10 days on a double dose of progesterone only made it a zillion times worse. The good news, it did work (if it hadn't, the next step would have been viagra suppositories, that's right!)! So you may have to brace yourself for some more fun with hormones, but at least there is a simple pill to fix the issue! I wish you luck!

5:15 AM  
Anonymous Julie, Baltimore said...

Great writing-so much passion, pain and emotion! I know it is not the point, but I couldn't help but comment on that.
Good luck with AF, Jamie!



5:51 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I'm so sorry Jamie....I hope that AF shows very soon!!!!

I'm with Ally...loved the letter. Hopefully she is listening to you!

Take care and hope to talk to you soon.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

That was hilarious!! I hope she listens....

You know what, I just realized something....fucking shit....UTE is NOT A WOMAN..."SHE" is a MAN!!! That's why we're all so messed up...


7:34 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

the letter was classic and very much to the point. She better do her thing.

REALLY hoping that she shows.

8:19 AM  

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