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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A Public Service Announcement

I just had to post to link you to this GREAT article on the RESOLVE website titled Infertility Etiquette. I wish I had the nerve to hand this article to every single family member I have... to every friend who I know... and to all the assholes at work who keep asking this almost-35-year -old-married-woman-who-loves-kids-enough-to-become-a-teacher "Hey... why don't you have kids???"

Please read this article... it is long... but keep reading... especially if you are not infertile. Please read this and take the time to understand what it is like to have a medical condition that most people fail to recognize as a real problem. Please pass this link on to others so they can learn to be more sensitive to infertility. I just can't tell you how I wish I could just anonymously copy this link to every person in my email address book... except... I am probably the only infertile most of them know... so much for being anonymous.

You know... sometimes I don't know which is worse... the friend and family who asks or says things that are insensitive... or those that just don't ask anymore. Honestly... after four and a half years of trying... most of the people closest to me (my Dad... my brother... my in-laws... many of my friends) just never mention the big pink elephant in the room. It is rare for someone to acknowledge the pain that I feel about not having a baby... and that is lonely place to be.

When someone does ask... and really cares... it is so emotional for me... I just am so grateful to know that someone cares about my feelings and isn't afraid to talk about and support me with something that both of us may feel uncomfortable with.

So for all you "just relax'ers", "just adopt'ers", and "well at least you can ____ 'ers" please read this article. It will help you know what to say so you spare our feelings... It will help you know why our pain is so deep... And, most importantly, it will help you be supportive in an awkward conversation... because what we infertiles really need is to be able to talk openly to you about this.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you, Jamie. I personally needed to read that article. I never looked at infertility that way and never knew what to say to you. I love you, Jamie and you will always be in my prayers!!

Love,
Heather (from CA)

9:50 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Do you think I can print that out and post it on our bulletin board in the community kitchen at work!?!?!? I would SO love to do that!!!
That is a great article and hit the nail on the head in so many ways.
Thanks for sharing!

5:25 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

By the way...we found out about a month ago that, on top of my severe endo, my DH has MFI. The other day at work one of my coworkers asked if we "had any news yet"...I said "not yet!!" as cheerfully as possible and then she said "what's wrong with him? Tell him he better get with it!"
Ouch. That hurt. But, I can't really blame her since she doesn't know what she is really saying (she's also been very sweet about telling me she'll pray for us)...it has just made me realize I need to be more careful about what I say to others.

5:29 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

I needed this article and have already sent it to a lot of people that really need to read it.
thanks for sharing. :)

7:57 AM  
Blogger Faith in Florida said...

You mean people actually say that? Yeah...people say stupid things.

9:19 AM  
Anonymous Erin said...

Great article! I loved the "hey--why don't you just try IVF?" Like it's such an easy decision/procedure. I also liked the "don't be crude." It reminds me of my sil telling me to "come and sit on her toilet" when I was trying to get pregnant after my miscarriage. WTF! It's amazing how freakin' stupid people are. Amazing.
I'm praying for you and your husband, and always checking in to see how things are going with you.

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Kori said...

Jamie, thank you for posting that article! I want to send it to everyone I know. People say the worst things!

My all time favorite, during my first miscarriage after 14 months TTC, was "oh, don't cry - women lose babies all the time! It's very common." I kept thinking that 100% of people's grandparents die eventually, but you don't go around saying, "aw, don't worry about it! it happens all the time!"

11:10 AM  
Anonymous Lauren said...

What a fabulous article! I've already shared it with some of my other infertile friends. Thanks for passing that along! It certainly does make me want to keep copies in my purse and give them out to people that say, "why don't you just adopt?" Like that's an easy solution either!?

I've really enjoyed reading your blog. I am also on clomid and hoping for the best. Good luck to you and yours...

1:20 PM  
Anonymous B said...

Thank you.

6:59 PM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

Jamie,
You hit the nail on the head with this one..
Someone needs to write one about having a miscarriage after having kids.. I can't tell you how many times I heard " well, at least you have your other children.." "But your youngest is still so young.." as if that will make the pain any less..

10:45 PM  

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