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Friday, February 09, 2007

CD 2

Nope... not pregnant this month. After taking the month off to live in the real world and do other things besides go to the doctor... I have made the decision that I am taking another month off meds. I know this sounds a bit dramatic... but I just can't go back to the doctor right now. I am just so tired of the disappointment and the feeling like shit month after month. Part of me feels like this is a baby step towards giving up... but... I need a little normalcy in my life right now. This is a very high stress time of the year for me (getting my students ready for their big theatre competition of the year)... lots of extra hours at work... etc... maybe I am just making excuses... but I am actually sort of happy right now... off meds... of the babytrain... and I just need a little more time not obsessing before I sign up for more stress.

So... this month we may or may not use OPK's... we will try to ttc when I "should" ovulate... and we will just see what happens.

In other news....

1. My big city children's show opened for children on Monday... Tonight is the first "public" performance... so it is considered opening night. I am excited to see the show again tonight... and to see the reviews in the newspapers in the next couple of days. I really tried to do an awesome job... I hope it pays off.

2. Tomorrow we are hosting a cast party for the cast and crew of big city show... I think there will be about 25 people.. I am very excited... I have decided to give myself a break and cater in the whole meal... it will cost about $200... but I would probably spend that plus more if I cooked... so I am ok with it. It is a celebration of the show and of my professional directing debut.

3. Sunday my mom is coming in from North Carolina to visit for 9 whole days! I am so happy that she will be here... even though I have to work for the week she is here... that is ok... the following Thursday my Grandmother will arrive here from Florida and on next Saturday they will see my show. Yay!

4. My students have been having their student directed play festival this week. I have been up at school until almost 9 pm for the last 3 days for the preliminary rounds. One more night to go, Monday, and they will be all finished. Some plays were really good... some weren't... I guess that is the learning part.

5. I feel super behind at school directing our competition play... i now have about 3 weeks to whip it into shape... and I feel rather uninspired about it. The big city children's show has been my main priority and now I have to get excited about this other show... I am really trying...

6. OK... best news... my awesome husband renovated my closet for me since he was not working this week. Granny Smith Apple green paint, all new shelving, pretty white boxes for storage, a shabby chic painted dresser... and.... wait for it... A CHANDELIER!!!!!! As soon as I can talk the laptop in to not being an asshole i will post pictures. We all know my husband is awesome... but wow! What a great Valentine's Day present!!!

OK.. that is it for now... I am interested to hear your thoughts about my decision to take another month off... Is this how giving up starts? I don't care... for now... I am happy.


Blogger Inconceivable said...

Giving up No... absolutely NOT !!! Taking a break to find "normalcy" is completely not giving up. Its being smart.. You recognize that you and your needs are more important than your wants. I am in a "break" from all the meds/dr/tests .. i was hard core since May and in December, I crashed and burned. I am still picking up the pieces of shrapnal that was thrown all over the place. I refuse to POAS (of any kind ovulation or pregnancy) for a few months. The best part of taking a break is, I feel like i get to be in control again and not my dr or my meds or my cycles. I get to choose - Best of luck to you and Im an avid follower of your website now ... Its great to read and be understood ... Good luck on all your class' upcoming performances and visitors ...Farah

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

J, I think you're absolutely right to take a break when you feel like you need one. Sometimes our bodies & rains just need a rest from the insanity!

I'm so impressed by your new closet, but even more impressed by your work! You should be super-proud of all the work you're doing--such long hours & no doubt many frustrations.

Break many legs with the performances! Many many congratulations.

8:00 AM  
Blogger hope548 said...

Completely understandable. I've felt better ever since I quit trying medicated cycles too. It's nice to take a break, you deserve one. Do what makes you happy!

12:55 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

Breaks are good and necessary. It sounds like this one is working because you're happy.

Congrats on the show and all that goes with it!

I'm green with envy over your closet. That's just gorgeous.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Love your closet! lucky lady..
As for the meds, it's really good to take a breather from them, always follow your heart...
Take care and I am sorry that it's another month without a miracle..
Hugs, Lesley

7:38 PM  
Blogger Kel said...

By making this choice, you are being good to yourself and giving your body, your head, and your heart a well-needed and much-deserved rest. How could that possibly be bad?

I wish you luck on all of your projects and a wonderful time with your family.

8:03 AM  
Blogger Kel said...

P.S. A husband who ORGANIZES THINGS. Aaaahhh, a dream come true!

Does he conduct bootcamps for other DH's, by any chance?

8:05 AM  
Anonymous Jayleigh said...

I just surfed here from Suzy and had to weigh in on your question.

My hubby and I have been TTC 14 years. We haven't had meds in about 5 years because it was driving us crazy. Basically, the drs say it IS possible for us, but they want us to go to lengths that we're not willing to go.

Anyway, you need normalcy. You need to do what makes you happy inside. No, you won't stop thinking about it completely, but giving your minds a rest and reconnecting with your darling husband on any level besides talking about babies... it will be good for your soul.

Take care. You're in my prayers, dear.

4:36 AM  
Blogger lisalou said...

NICE CLOSET! Sorry about the flow...

6:39 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

Your closet is phenomenal! I love it! I told my hubby that I wanted a chandelier in my closet and he burst into fits of laughter!

Anyway, I think it is very wise and brave of you to take another month off of meds if you feel it is necessary! It definitely speaks to your character and how strong of a woman you are.

Congrats on all of your performances! I hope they all go beautifully and just as planned!

9:15 AM  
Blogger Reproductive Jeans said...

Love your blog--I am a newbie on the "infertility" blog list...come visit us sometime.
PS Love the green in your newly renovated closet! Too cute!

10:19 AM  
Blogger charupton said...

I am loving reading your blog. I only recently started being really honest with myself about how this infertility thing actually feels. I was all gung-ho - five years of gun-ho-ness hasn't paid off. Awesome awesome awesome to find a blog that is honest about how it really feels to be fighting infertility.

J, take all the time you want on your break! Allow yourself some time to breathe... I don't believe it's the first step to giving up. I do believe it's a necessary time for recouping, regrouping, and mostly for "just relaxing". Oh how I hate to be told to "just relax" (haha!) but I spoze in all reality, it really is necessary to take some time out and "just relax". Not that "just relaxing" will magically produce a beautiful little babe... but "just relaxing" will do just that. Help us to just relax and breathe. Give ourselves permission to just "be" for a change.

My whole identity has become wrapped up in this infertility thing. I sometimes wonder - is there more to me than just my infertility???

Take all the time you want! You deserve it!

With a heart bleeding for you

1:52 AM  
Blogger FrogLegs said...

Heck no you aren't giving up.. I'm also off all meds and veto-ing doc visits- it's been a month, and starting a new one. It's very freeing-- and I think I'm going to stick it out til May and be refreshed. :) Enjoy your break!

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of the best, and cheapest, resources to begin your family history research are relatives Laptops. Talk to them and make use of those long term memories.

2:34 PM  

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