Oh for God's sake...
Wow... My last post generated a lot of hostility... Since most of you have never posted before I will assume that my blog was the topic of a message board somewhere and the link was passed around... There seemed to be a bit of mob mentality there...
Here are my thoughts...
Clearly (if you read the post... ) the people I called selfish are the people who find it easier to have an abortion than to place their baby for adoption... not people who opt to parent their children.
I still say the CPS system sucks and that people should not be able to abuse their children and keep them until they have damaged them so severely that recovery is almost impossible.
Cracked out people should lose their right to parent (see above comment)
Choosing to parent a child you can not afford is not a problem to me... it is just an unfortunate fact. This week alone I have fed three high school students pb&j for lunch and an afternoon snack at school because their parents can not afford for them to eat breakfast or dinner. This is the comment about the economy... it is just a fact. I am sure that their parents love them. None of these posts were questioning love... they were questioning the ability to provide for a child .
About the Grandparents... I can not imagine that the pain of being adopted into a loving family is any greater than being abandoned by your parents to be raised by grandparents. In fact... I would say it is probably very similar. I have many students who have zero contact with their parents because they have started "new families"... are in jail... or have just disappeared... And many (not all) are being raised by grandparents who resent the fact that they have to raise another child. This is a good time to remind people that my post was about reasons why adoptions have slowed... and this is a reason (right or wrong) that people are not placing their children for adoption. Did I ever say that no child should ever be raised by grandparents? No... I did not.
And finally the biggie... children raising children. When I wrote this post I was thinking of a few cases in my mind from my very own personal experiences with teens... #1 the 13 year old at my school who is expecting twins, #2 the pregnant 15 year old whose parents have kicked her out who now lives with her abusive 17 year old boyfriend and his alcoholic mom, #3 the pregnant 17 year old who is pregnant for the second time and already has a 16 month old at home, #4 the 20 year old who came to me last night and announced that she is 26 weeks pregnant and has not seen a doctor, lives with mom (who takes younger brother aderol (sp?) and says "I don't know... I guess I'll just keep it." And #5 the 14 year old... who is keeping her baby... to raise with her 30 year old mother who works at Walgreens part time... and the baby's father is... mom's husband.
Many of these girls are starved for attention... which is probably a factor in why they are pregnant now... They love the attention they get at school from the other girls when they pass around the sonogram or invite people to their babyshower... Last year I even had a student bring her 3 day old baby up to school to show the class... during the swine flu outbreak... and her grandmother drove her there and waited in the car for her... Maybe it is offensive to me to say... but these are not people who are going to make sound parenting choices... watch the new show Teen Mom on MTV... it is heartbreaking.
These are real life teenagers... who are about to parent children. Again... I did not say that every pregnant teen should not parent... but seriously... can you not step back and wonder if any of these girls should maybe consider adoption??? There are plenty of other pregnant teens who "maybe" could be ready to parent... but can you not see that adoption is a needed alternative?
I have read The Primal Wound... I understand... but there are, in my humble opinion, bigger mistakes that you can make with your child than placing them for adoption... bigger wounds... more hurtful than being selfless enough to want them to have a better life than you can provide.
And for those of you that suggest that I was callous to birthmothers... you are wrong. I have the most respect in the world for a woman who is able to put her baby's needs above her own feelings. I do not see birthmothers as a commodity... I see them as brave women who are making a decision that is well beyond the sacrifice most of us will ever make. I think they should be honored and celebrated... not forced into a life of shame by people who feel that the biological bound is the most important link to raising a child... and who treat these women as criminals for opting not to parent.
So to those of you who felt that you needed to reprimand my feelings on my blog maybe this explains my heart to you a bit more. Not that I owe any of you an explanation... this is my journey, my pain, and my blog... if you don't like what I write about then click to another page. On this blog I will continue to post my feelings as a way to vent and express what I am going through on my personal journey.
I am sorry to offend so many of you... but I would like to suggest a few things:
1. read the entire post... all the words... before you snap to judgement
2. Remember that just as my baggage clouds my opinion so does yours...
3. know that I am not really looking for your approval.
4. Try to have compassion... you don't even know me.
5. If all else fails... fuck off.
posted by Mrs. D. @ 12/12/2009 06:08:00 AM
35 Comments:
High five!
Bravo!!!
I have never posted a comment on your blog before, but I have been reading your for a long time. After the comments that were left on your last post, I was moved to leave some words of encouragement for you and some words for those who chose to come and spew vitriol in your comments section as well.
In a perfect world, no one would get pregnant when they did not want to and everyone who wanted to get pregnant would. In a perfect world, there would be no 13-year-olds having twins, no crack-addicts having baby #13 (aka, the baby my cousin recently adopted), no children being sexually abused by their mother's boyfriend (such as one of my current students)...Obviously, we do not live in a perfect world. There is a NEED for an adoption system in the imperfect world in which we do live.
Is adoption easy? No, not for anyone involved in the process. But here is a news flash: most times, the best thing to do, the right choice, the unselfish decision is the HARDEST one. Most things in life worth doing are not easy. Giving a baby up for adoption falls into this category.
I think that the negative commenters on your last post are looking at the world through some kind of fog that causes them to believe that it is ALWAYS the best decision for a woman to choose to parent her child - in fact, one of the commenters specifically stated that she rejoices EVERY time a woman chooses to parent. Really? She would be thrilled for a crack-addict who has had 12 other babies removed from her care by CPS to chose to parent drug-addicted-baby-#13? Well, I wouldn't, but then again I don't view the world in such absolutes. Not every woman who gives birth should parent. It's not a pretty truth, but it is the truth nonetheless and anyone who thinks otherwise is living a fantasy. Certainly, a child who is adopted will likely feel a sense of loss during their lifetime. But the possible alternatives - for example, to be "raised" by a neglectful parent in a dangerous, drug-infested situation - that is somehow better because it prevents a loss of genetic identity? Seriously?
How about we stop assuming things such as:
All women who have chosen to place a baby for adoption have somehow been FORCED or coerced to do so.
All adopted children feel abandoned and an overwhelming sense of loss because they are not genetically-related to their adoptive parents, and that this sense of loss is the worst thing that could be perpetuated upon a child. That they will somehow be damaged forever because of it.
That adoptive parents are selfish and greedy and would do anything for a baby. That they have no concern whatsoever for the birth-mother.
That choosing to parent a child is always the best option for the child. That choosing to parent is always an unselfish act.
Is adoption the answer for every surprise/unwanted pregnancy? No. But is it NEVER the answer, just because it is hard? NO.
Hopefully what I have written makes sense...I had so much running through my head as I read the comments on your last post that I had a hard time putting my thoughts into words. It seems as though people like to twist other's words - the words of people that they do not know - and then insert their own assumptions, using the results to hurt those already hurting. How petty. So much is lost when communicating electronically....perhaps we could all try giving one another the benefit of the doubt?
My message to you is....I am so sorry. You have waited so long. This is the hardest kind of waiting to do. There are so many of us who support you and think of you and pray for you - please be uplifted by that knowledge. It took us a long time to conceive. But when our baby was finally born, I understood why we had to wait. It had to be THIS child. Any sooner, and it wouldn't have been....and I was meant to parent THIS child. Perhaps that is why you are waiting, too.
I missed all the comments to the previous post, but dude: Amen! Very well said on all accounts.
-Carrie
http://welayinrepose.livejournal.com
Wow. I didn't comment on your last post because I didn't really have anything to say other than I was sorry you were still waiting...now I'm sorry I didn't post. You could have used a little more support in the mix there...
Adoption is (obviously) a difficult topic and not everyone is going to agree...
Thinking of you.
@ trishconway - your profile is private so I can't message you personally...just wanted to say I love the last bit you wrote...So True!
Standing ovation with tears in my eyes.
My gods, people really put their asshats on for that last post, didn't they??
FFS...
...I don'tknow how you're able to deal with those students - just reading about them makes me feel angry at them, sad for them, hopeful for their children, and fearful for their children's futre.
I'm sorry for all that you have gone through and continue to go through. Emotions are messy; please continue to feel free to voice yours here on YOUR blog!
Hoping and praying that your arms are holding your precious daughter VERY soon!!!!!
:)
I read the part about the pregnant teens you mentioned in your blog and i was shocked...children having children themselves...
But nevertheless....BRAVO!!!! Well said. You GO GIRL!!!!
How shocking that we live in a day where you are going to be considered selfish for wanting to adopt a baby, that is crazy.
There are some people that are not ready to be parents and put a childs needs before thier own.
I am sure there are teen parents who truly love their kids, but most can't give them the same things a stable two parent family can.
I hope you get good news soon with the adoption, I can only imagine how tough the wait has been.
I've always thought the world of you...but now ..more so.
wish I could give you the HUG and HIGH FIVE you deserve for this beautiful and touching post.
I know I don't know you, but I love ya!! I love your blog! I love how honest it is and that it is YOUR VENTING!!! Screw everyone else who has opinions about it! I found your blog two years ago because I was FED UP and googled "I hate pregnant women"!! lol.....your post from FRIDAY, OCTOBER 08, 2004 came up and IT MADE MY FREAKIN DAY!!! I've been reading ever since. You helped me vent that day and if people don't get thats what this is.....screw em! ;)
Yes, it was MUCH better for me to be given to a family where my amother verbally and emotionally abused me and my afather sexually abused me. Thanks for clearing that up.
Now, I guess I'll go cry and "fuck off".
In peace,
Cricket
Cricket, no one ever said that every adoption has a happy ending...it doesn't mean that adoption itself is inherently bad. You cannot apply your own (terrible, awful) experience to all adoption scenarios. Birth-parents sexually and verbally abuse their children everyday, too.
Trish,
Even if my childhood had been rosy and grand, I'd STILL feel the loss at having not grown up with my natural family.
Yes, abuse can happen anywhere, which is why to say that it's better that a child be adopted because they MIGHT be abused is just wrong.
In peace,
Cricket
Glad you didn't let all the negative comments from before get you down. (((Hugs))) Keep your head up high -- You are wonderful.
Good for you! I have been reading your blog for a while now. I am too chicken to write about my own fertility nightmare. It was obvious to me that those who posted negatively before have never gone through infertility or the adoption process - both are so challenging. I keep waiting to hear that your baby has arrived. After some adoption classes my husband and I have been too scared to go for it. I think that you are so brave to share your story and I know that you will be a great mom one day soon!
As someone who is dealing with infertility and has considered adoption - BRAVO!
For those that had a horrible experience as an adopted child, I'm so sorry. But your experience doesn't mean that all adoptions will be a negative situation. I'm going to love my child to bits regardless of how our family grows.
Cricket, I don't deny that adopted children feel a sense of loss. Read my original comment. I also don't think that a child should be placed for adoption because there is a CHANCE they might be abused by their birth-parents. Who could ever determine which parents are likely to abuse? Are you certain you would not have been abused by your birth-parents? Just trying to figure out the relevance of your comment and why you feel the need to be commenting here.
'nuff said. Excellent post.
Trish,
I like to read blogs. I like to comment on blogs. Not just the ones that I agree with, but also the ones that I may disagree with. I'm just trying to show others that adoption isn't necessarily the best option in a lot of circumstances.
I've met my natural mother..and yes, I can say with 100% certainty that I would NOT have been abused..and I certainly wouldn't feel the loss that I feel today. Loss that, again, was caused by adoption.
An infertile couple's loss is solved by adoption..an adoptee's loss is caused by it.
You don't have to agree with me..that's the beauty of life, isn't it? But if I'm being respectful, and I think I have been, then what's the problem with me commenting here?
I have been challenged on my own blog, but have never felt the need to censor commenters. Everyone deserves their voice.
In peace,
Cricket
I know how you feel...sort of. It took us 2 years to get pregnant and although I am very blessed to be expecting I really didn't think I would ever get a chance. Infertility screws with your head! I'm a pro choice feminist but was pissed at the thought of people having abortions, keeping their kids when I thought I could look after them better etc.
Having these feelings does not make anyone a bad person....infertility is something that affects women diffrently and I say that you are a brave strong woman for voicing your opinion. And I thank you because you have validated all the feelings I had for years!
I hope you are united with your dear darling daughter soon...you will be a great mother~
Blessings and sincere good wishes~
Cricket,
You may think you have been respectful, but I would call your first comment on this post passive-aggressive at best.
What you said in your most recent comment was actually thought-provoking. If you would like to be well-received in the future, perhaps this is the direction to take.
All I have to say is I had my first baby at age 18. She was planned. I had my first young because I knew waiting and being an older parent I might not get to parent. Alas why women are fertile around 12 to 35. More fertile 25 and under. At 23, 6 weeks after having my third child diagnosised with ovarian cysts.
I think it is Way More Selfish not to educate your child or parent your child. Children need to be taught to live in this world including budgets, habits, and skills.
We should not encourage teenagers to give away their offspring. We should be happy for them. A hundred years ago it was the norm for teenagers to be pregnant. Now a days older Mothers want to shame young mothers when they behaved the same ways as children do today.
Sorry I lost pity for everybody. Life is about making choices. You chose what you did while you were younger you chose what to do know.
I am 23 and next year I start my 401K, I have 27 years left on my house note. I married 3 months and 3 weeks before my first was born.
I went to trade school when my son my second was 6 months old. I once was told it takes a village to raise a child and I see in America the village doesn't help anymore the infertile villagers just want to take the baby and raise it for themselves. But C'est la vie. What's best for me.
If you are so educated on Adoption, and know about the primal wound why are you looking to adopt from foster care. Those are children that are truly in need of home and and can be placed immediately (as long as you have your home study done). You are looking for an healthy new born. A womb wet infant. Which is the worse kind of adoption ie the primal wound.
Thank God For Young Women that are brave enough to raise their children and not listen to the lies of the adoption agency.
GOOD FOR YOU! Who gived these people the right to coment on your thoughts anfd feelings. Screw them, like you said if they don't like what you have to say then don't read your blog!
Trish,
I speak from experience...from a lifetime of wondering about the why's of being given up. I think it's important for AP's and PAP's to understand that when they adopt a child, there are many emotions that the child will feel. Not the least of which may be anger.
I hope that one day, adoption won't be a necessary evil and that there will be better support for teenagers, or older women who, for whatever reason, feel like they can't parent their children.
If I came off sounding angry, it's because I am. I can't apologize for that..just as Mrs. D won't (and shouldn't) apologize for her blog. It's a free country...people are free to express themselves.
No, I don't have to read AP's blogs, but I choose to so that someday, maybe my words will reach hearts and minds in a thought provoking way.
In peace,
Cricket
To Lisa
The fact that this is a public blog.
If you don't like the heat stay out of the kitchen.
This blogger is posting about a extremely emotional subject. Adoption.
When you post in such a self entitling way, ie that you are entitled to some OTHER WOMANS baby..wen you can't have your own, you are going to cop some flak.
There are hundreds/ thousands of adoptive parents blogs, but some of them show a little respect..
Those people do not get grief for adopting..
Only the ones that spout self entitlement ...
If you dont want comments then turn them off or moderate them...OR Don't blog ....Or at least show some tact...
Been following you, recently. All the backlash about how you shouldn't adopt is crazy. Mothers are going to give up babies, so why can't you adopt one. If all people decided not to adopt because they feel children should stay with birth parents, what would happen to all the babies that people didn't/ or couldn't care for? I hope you get your baby soon. This isn't something you just decided to do, not like you need to adopt because you are bored or collecting children, like some celebs seem to do. Sorry for rambling, lots of thoughts going through my head and I'm rushing to express them. Keep your head high and don't give up hope.
No, you don't owe an explanation but you are putting your feelings out there in public. There's more I wish I could say from personal experience but won't for the purpose of not hurting your feelings. My adoptive parents adopted for infertility reasons (and I also have a PCOS diagnosis but was somehow able to conceive after 2 years with no period--it can happen but I know you're tired of being told that) and due to their approach to adoption were unprepared to handle the emotions I would have towards my original family and my adoption in-general. I love my adoptive family; don't get me wrong. Adoption gave me a new family--but it also legally just about erased my original one. Adoption gave me the life I love but it also absolutely broke my heart.
My problem with the teenagers raising babies comment was in wonderment to what the alternative would be? To take their children from them because wating prospective adoptive parents would do a better job? It was the implications of the statement I disliked.
Consequentialism is one of the most flawed moral codes and that's not a secret. Saying "there could be worse things" or substituting something than preservation of the original family as being "better" simply because adoption is involved is "the end justifies the means." We cannot undermine someone's ability to parent or their value as a family simply because they are "lower class" or have fewer resources.
As a woman, an adoptee and a mother, I disliked a birth mother being viewed as a "hero" for abandoning her child. In my mind, adoption isn't about the decision that she makes to "give her child a better life" as much as it is the decision society made not to help give HER a better life so that her family could stay together. Children who do not have food and clothes do not need new parents; they need food and clothes. In a modern industrialized society where we are all one paycheck away from poverty, none of us would want to give our children up but for anyone else we tell them it's "the right thing to do" ?? That's not a knock on you; it's a knock to the system that opperates this way.
I am so tired of people who are pro-family preservation and don't have a "sunshine and roses" view of adoption like everyone else being accused of being "angry" or "unhappy" or "spewing vitrol." I am adopted, I have lived the life of an adopted person. I don't regret my adoption but I do regret the sentiments in the industry that I feel are not helpful to birth and adoptive parents and adoptees alike. If people want to think that I'm a horrible person because my opinions on adoption happen to deviate from societal norms--I can't help that. I've experienced, seen and researched too much to have too rosy of an opinion about adoption in its current form. Trish, adoption has been supported over and over again due to child abuse and drug addicted parents. No one would argue with you there that adoption is a resource for families that cannot be repaired. No one is talking about that and those situations are in the minority. According to Spence-Chapman in a recent NY Times article, one of the biggest reasons for relinquishment is due to temporary financial issues in a family. The lack of entitlement to parenting for women who are impoverished and single has been in place since the 1940's and we've yet to over come it completely. We gloss over the large portion of adoptions that take place due to financial woes that a family will eventually rebound from by justifying it because adoption sometimes also helps abused kids? To me that doesn't make sense. Women who abuse their children and have their children taken from them and women who relinquish their children because they're poor and don't know what else to do have little in common.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mimi: That's a big problem and misconception about adoption. "If a woman is going to give her baby up anyway--why shouldn't I be there to give it a home?"
If that was the only driving force behind the current industry (the part of the industry many PAPs are not informed about), I would agree with you. However, the driving force behind adoption services stopped being soley about benevolence in the 1940's when certain extremely influential adoption providers became aware that the demand for infants and the stigmas against poor, single (and even divorced) women, could make money. The demand there is for infants is far greater than the number of infants who are abandoned. The ethical practices employed by many agencies in order to respond to the demand that there is to adopt infants is what many Family Preservation adovocates call into question.
So what you are saying is that poor people should not be allowed to parent their children?
People who fall on hard times in this economy don't deserve pity, they should just have their children yanked away.
Nice.
I hope that when you finally become a parent you never see a day of hard times financially because if you did, you would immediately do the unselfish thing and relinquish your child to someone more deserving right?
Right?
Wow.
So much compassion and empathy for those struggling in this very difficult economy.
In your opinion, all teenagers and all poor people should not be allowed to parent.
Well, I'm glad I don't live in your world.
Just found your blog. There is a good article written by Julie A. Rist called "Happy Adoptees" which explains so much about the issues surrounding adoption. I have it posted on my blog (second article down) if you would like to read it. Or you can do a search.
Wow, what a shame that #5 can't be included in your parent profile. I bet it would open some eyes - both agencies and expectant parents.
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