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Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Still #3

We are still number three on our adoption agency list. That means that they have not successfully placed a domestic infant in over 4 months.

This is hard news.

But... before everyone gets up in arms I have to say we still believe in this particular agency. We have rechecked their accreditation and our attorneys license and everything is in order. There are just circumstances beyond their control that are happening and they assure me that it is happening with domestic adoptions all over the state. Let's discuss the possible reasons that people are not giving up babies...

#1 - The bad economy - people may actually be keeping babies that they can not afford to get the extra state support. This shocked me because I thought in hard economic times people would be more likely to relinquish a child they can not afford. But when you think about it it sort of makes sense.

#2 - Abortions - Maybe more people who can't afford a baby are choosing to terminate the pregnancy. Especially working women who can not afford to lose time off the job or to care for a child and pay for childcare.

#3 - It is totally acceptable for teenagers to have babies. Trust me I work in a high school... I now a little about his one... Thanks to young starlets like Jamie Lynn Spears it is acceptable, almost fashionable, to have a baby when you are a teen. There is no stigma. Pregnant teens walk around school in maternity shirts with "Baby Mama" printed on them and pass out there sonograms and baby shower invites in class. It is a way to get attention from all the girls who flock to hear news of the latest doctor visit... We have programs at school to help these girls pay for their expenses, to help them with childcare, and to help them finish high school... that sounds great right? But these services all disappear when the mother graduates... so then what?

#4 - Grandparents are totally willing to raise their children's children. Not just the above mentioned type of girls but even the most cracked out mothers usually have a long suffering mother who is willing to raise their children. Parents who made poor parenting decisions with their children are not getting a second chance to raise their grandchildren. Parents float in and out of the child's life while the aging grandparents try to stretch the social security check to pay for tennis shoes and school supplies.

5. The CPS system sucks. It takes a lot for a child to be taken away from a parent in our country. Even the mother who gives birth to a meth baby has the chance to clean up and start over with her baby after only a few months of sobriety. This is why there are so many sibling groups in foster care... women can't care for the baby they have and then find themselves pregnant a few more times... finally when the kids are older they realize (or CPS realizes) they just can't handle the children and put them in the foster system... but only after the children have been so abused, so neglected, and have so much mistrust of adults that they have trouble finding homes for these kids.

6. Adoption is the hardest option. Many people are to selfish to consider adoption for their child. It is to hard... it comes with pain and consequence for poor judgement. No one gives you a party when you choose to place your baby for adoption. No one celebrates the selfless decision being made. Many people feel it is easier to terminate the pregnancy and "be done with it" than it is to give that child a chance at a good life because it requires the birth mother to suffer the grief of losing her baby...

7. My small agency has had 3 fraudulent birth mothers in the last 2 months... one of which may not have really been pregnant at all. Imagine that. There are women out there that have no intention of placing their baby for adoption but want to try to scam the agency out of services and money while they are pregnant.

I have a friend who just adopted a baby privately. She is wealthy and pulled out all the stops t get an infant fast. She paid just under $70,000 for this baby and "birth mother expenses" and when the baby was born there was meth in her system and the ethnicity was different than expected (meaning the birth mother doesn't know who the father was).
My friend is happy and in love with her baby... but the cost is over 3 times what we could pay... she got her baby in 6 months... but that is what money can do. That is why I want to punch people who say thing like "I don't want to have another baby because I got so fat! So we are just going to adopt". Adoption is HARD people! If you have ever told someone to "just adopt" you should apologize to them.. and bake them some cupcakes... because you are lucky they didn't clock you.

So I would love to hear you opinions and words of wisdom...
But just so you know..

Yes... we are sure this agency is for real and not a scam.
Yes... this is the right agency for us.
Yes... we are sure that we want to request a girl.

Please continue to pray for us and Finley... this is the hardest thing we have ever done and we appreciate your support and prayers for us, our baby and our adoption agency.

54 Comments:

Blogger ~Christina~ said...

Wow, reason #6 is sad - but true. Offering a child up for adoption is quite selfless and the biological mother would get more negative responses than positive. That's sad.
I cannot imagine how hard it is to make that decision, however there should be a zillion people patting you (bio-mom) on the back and letting you know how selfless that is and how you are giving the child a better life (if it's those types of circumstances)-- focusing on the positives in the decision.

**** I know one day I will visit here and I will see your beautiful baby. You're in my thoughts & prayers. *****

5:31 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

I don't really have any words of wisdom or advice since I am not really familar with the process. I think you have waited so long . . . and it has got to happen soon.

Just curious . . but is there a possibility you could also have an open file at another agency to kind of double your chances? I would assume there is some financial obligation and other logical reasons for not doing this, but I was just wondering if it was possible. The only people I know here that have adopted locally have gone through Catholic Charities, but the idea of your small agency is very appealing, so I understand.

Praying for you and your husband and for Finley, who is being guided your way . . .

6:51 PM  
Blogger Hira said...

Hey Jamie.... i always pray for you and really all of us want to see that baby in your arms. Don't give up hope yet. Baby Finn will come.

9:05 PM  
Blogger Mrs. B said...

I wish I would have known you many years ago. Somtimes hard choices are just that, hard. I wish there was a way that you could talk to a young girl who is considering abortion. If there was some way to pull them aside before they make that fateful decision...

I will continue to hope and pray for you. I know that the perfect little baby is out there for you. She's just waiting until the right time to meet you.

7:38 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Wow, still #3. So close but so far away. Do they tell you how many pregnant mamas they have cooking so you can get a glimpse of a timeline?

11:34 AM  
Blogger Susie said...

It just broke my heart to read Karen's comment. I would hope that NO person hoping to adopt another mothers child would ever think like that.

When a girl/woman is pregnant, feels that she is unable to care for her child, she has a very hard decision to make. Should she keep her baby, or will it truly be in the babies best interest to go to another mother, another family. This is a very heart-breaking, difficult decision, one that cannot be truly made until after the baby is born.

For you to think of that same girl/women in such a degrading, simplistic way is horrible. She is not simply cooking some commodity to be sold or given away. She is PREGNANT, with a child made OF her body, being nurtured BY her body, growing IN her womb & her heart.

Mrs. D ~ I know you did not make that comment, hopefully you are as repulsed as I was when I read it. We will see if that comment stays posted or not. I do hope that someday you are able to have a child to love & raise ~ but not if you agree with that line of thought.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Erimentha said...

I know that you are very deep in your pain, in your desire for a child. I wonder if you could think of some of your reasons in a more positive light, rather than from a purely selfish POV. For example, your lament about young girls keeping their children because it is trendy actually means that children are staying with their biological families where they really belong in the first place - same goes for grandparents raising their grandchildren. You can love an adopted child more than anything in the world but it does not stop the genetic bewilderment or the yearning to know their roots. The idea that people are selfishly keeping their children instead of adopting them out, that birthmothers don't want to go through the grief - you recognise that the process is psychologically distressing and damaging and yet you still want women to go through it - that to me is selfish - you want a child and you don't care about the consequences for anyone else.
And Karen, women are not crockpots and I find your analogy extremely offensive.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Shannon Elizabeth said...

I completely agree with Erinmentha and am always glad when a mother chooses to parent her child. Why are you chastising women for keeping their babies?

12:48 PM  
Blogger Leah said...

"6. Adoption is the hardest option. Many people are to selfish to consider adoption for their child. It is to hard... it comes with pain and consequence for poor judgement."

I can not believe that I read this! So a woman who chooses to keep her baby and not give it (to you) up for adoption is selfish? Did it ever occur to you that these women may actually love their child and want to raise it themselves? I really think that you need to take a step back and realize just how selfish you sound!

1:15 PM  
Blogger Sarah Abrahams said...

I'm sorry that your wait has been so long and painful. I know that each day is bringing you closer to your baby Finley. I am praying for you and for her and for the woman somewhere out there who is about to make that very difficult choice.
God bless,
Sarah

2:10 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

I am so sorry for the hurtful comments above. You are not selfish and do not believe these ladies for a second.

I work for Dept. of Mental Health and so often I see young girls who kept their babies while they have no means to care for them and the children are abused, neglected, and unwanted.

Giving up a child, while difficult, is a gift precious gift to the child.

I know, I was adopted at birth to wonderful parents who love me. My birth mom was addicted to drugs, alcohol, and had no desire to change. What she did for me was truly the best for all involved.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

I am so sorry for the hurtful comments above. You are not selfish and do not believe these ladies for a second.

I work for Dept. of Mental Health and so often I see young girls who kept their babies while they have no means to care for them and the children are abused, neglected, and unwanted.

Giving up a child, while difficult for the birth mom and by no means an easy decision, it is a precious gift to the child.

I know, I was adopted at birth to wonderful parents who love me. My birth mom was addicted to drugs, alcohol, and had no desire to change. What she did for me was truly the best for all involved.

3:10 PM  
Blogger kate said...

Well I always knew this was how many potential adoptive parents thought ...but to actually put it in a blog post is unbelievable. The worst part is, you don't even know how incredibly selfish and entitled you sound.

I hope God leads you to peace in your heart and to find joy in children staying with their mothers. I'm sure that even you can see that this is God's plan for them.

3:26 PM  
Blogger kate said...

Well I always knew this was how many potential adoptive parents thought ...but to actually put it in a blog post is unbelievable. The worst part is, you don't even know how incredibly selfish and entitled you sound.

I hope God leads you to peace in your heart and to find joy in children staying with their mothers. I'm sure that even you can see that this is God's plan for them.

3:26 PM  
Blogger Erimentha said...

That is all very well and good for you Mary but I was adopted by people who neglected me and the ONLY reason was because my real mother was young and single. She was neither a drug addict or an alcoholic and I am sick to death of the implication that young women cannot raise their children because they are bad people with drug problems. Maybe your department should concentrate on supporting the young mothers who are struggling rather than seeing it as an opportunity to grab another child for adoption.

3:44 PM  
Blogger clare said...

So what you want is for a mother and her baby to be separated so that *you* can have a chance to play mommy. Do you have any idea how selfish you sound?

Adoptees have much higher rates of mental illness than non-adoptees. The adoptee is subject to feelings of rejection, abandonment, low self esteem, inability to love others, and suppression of emotion so as to protect the adoptive parents. And these things last all their lives. Relinquishing mothers are 10 times more likely than other mothers to commit suicide. Fifty percent will never have another child. The list of mental conditions they develop after giving their child up is huge.

And all this so you can play mommy? So you can have your pathological desire to be a "parent" at any cost fulfilled? Anyone who could take a child away from its mother knowing that these were the likely consequences has the ethics of Adolf Hitler.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Frangeo said...

Holy Cow! Be proud...your post comments went from supportive to comparing you to Hitler in only 16 comments. That's gotta be a new record! Seriously, don't listen to the lunatics posting here, especially that last one (OMG, how many drinks do you think she had before she hit publish?? she'll be pretty embarrassed when (if!) she sobers up.)

Your child will come to you, and it will be worth the wait because your child will be "the one." I am a long time reader, but have rarely commented. Just wondering, did you ever post your reasons for only wanting a female child? I would be curious to read it, if you are willing to share. Since it would seem to cut your pool of potential adoptive children in half, I imagine you must have a very compelling reason.

Hugs and hang in there! #3 is pretty high up.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:32 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:32 PM  
Blogger ajsritter said...

These critical people are coming from a place where they cannot understand what you've been through. The years of dissapointment, pain and endless, obstinate hope are something they cannot understand. If you have any ideas about teenage or other mothers, they are yours to have and have been forged over these years of difficulty. If you people want to have a debate on our child protective system, adoption, abortion, or any of these topics, I am certain there are places online to do so. Exchange email addresses and yell at each other privately. But how can you (if you even took the time to do so) read through these years of posts, the sadness and the heartache, and then be judgmental of the author's feelings? This is a blog where I'm sure the author is looking for some support from those that have either been through this or are sympathetic to it. And the endless whining about Karen's comment? Give me a break people. She meant no harm. It's a figure of speech. Jeez, stop being so overly sensitive. And clare...all I can say is Wow. You sound ridiculous. Congrats!

7:07 PM  
Blogger Jeremy said...

Oh my God! I am so sorry for some of these awful comments! You don't deserve any of this hateful, judgemental BS. I have been a long time reader and have only posted once or twice, but I check here regularly hoping to see your wonderful news of becoming a mom. It is clear to me from the years of reading your blog that you and your husband will be amazing parents that any child will be so lucky to have. I don't believe these naysayers have followed your story and have any clue what you have been through. I have not been through it, but I am 33 and not yet a mother either -- and I want to be -- so at least I have an inkling of your desire. Also, my mother-in-law was adopted, and I've never seen someone so deeply attached and devoted to her mom and dad as she is. I know your child will feel the same! Keep your head up, ignore these a-hole comments, and know that many many people support you and are hoping/praying/crossing fingers & toes with you!

Mrs. Meadows

7:24 PM  
Blogger SustainableFamilies said...

I agree that it's hard to find critical comments on your own blog, I know I don't like them on my blog. I do think that since you criticized rather harshly women who believe in keeping their families together, and it was in an effort to discuss getting a baby of your own, it deed seem in poor taste, and kind of inspired me to break my norm of avoiding the blogs of others.

We biological parents and adoptees don't all think that single parents are inherently bad selfish parents (or for that matter think that adoptive parents are all the BETTER choice for the child)

There are situations where there is drug use, or where an expectant is truly not interested in putting another beings needs ahead of her own and chooses adoption for her child to give them a better life.

However all unplanned pregnancies are not "in need of you to adopt their children".

Many moms who became mothers out of wedlock and unplanned turn out to be dedicated loving supportive mothers who create an environment for their children that is as wonderful as anything an adoptive family would provide.

There are a LOT of bad parents in the world, and that is the case whether the parents are married or unmarried when they conceive (or adopt for that matter).

There are also a lot of good parents who put their children before anything else. I thank god that the adoption rate is lower. Though I believe you that you are in pain.

But you being in pain is NOT the right reason to break a mother and child apart from each other. It's like saying that because you lost an arm, someone else should donate their arm to you.

It's not really what adoption about. Adoption shouldn't be about filling needs of parents. It really should be about finding homes for children who need them.

Not for children who already have deeply loving mothers.

Unfortunately the kind of women you're talking about who get pregnant because it's trendy and fun and then dump the child on their parents when they go out to drink, well they don't think about adoption.

So... who thinks about adoption? Who considers making the hugest most painful decision a mother could ever make? Unfortunately most often the women who consider it are the ones who are probably the most capable of doing a good job of creating a fulfilling life for their children if they kept.

I am thankful if currently they are choosing to parent instead.

I do however hope that more women who are on drugs and ready to abuse their children, or currently abusing their children, or simply ignore their children, don't care about their children, aren't willing to put their children first... all those things are good reasons to place.

And I do hope that you find a child who needs you and that can be a part of your family. I just hope that child doesn't have a mother who loves them just as much as you do and would have worked just as hard for them.

I hope you choose to adopt a child who doesn't have a loving mother who would devote her life to parenting if she didn't think your money, husband and social status made you better.

I have a blog post that is specifically for adoptive parents/paps who have met with "those crazy adoptees". I think you will find that it has a great deal of compassion for adoptive parents, as I do have a great deal of compassion for adoptive parents and those who face infertility.

9:45 PM  
Blogger Erimentha said...

To ajsritter, I just wanted to let you know that "those people" actually come from a place that understand exactly what Jamie has been through. "The years of disapointment, pain and endless, obstinate hope are something" that we understand all too well because it is all we heard about growing up with infertile parents. Unless potential adoptive parents can come to terms with their anger at being infertile, they are no good to a child, and the child will be forever trying to make up for it.

10:28 PM  
Blogger clare said...

Well, Frangeo, its just too bad if you don't like my comments. I find it totally repellent that Karen seems to view pregnant women as baby incubators. I find it totally repellent that women like this are out there hoping for a mother and her child to be parted. And wishing that knowing that by parting them, there will be lifelong serious negative consequences for both of those parties.

But you don't seem to view those wishes as horrible. You seem to think its okay for two other people to be damaged so that a potential adoptive parent can have "her" baby. Got news for you. Its not "her" baby. It's the mother's baby. And I hope and pray that it stays that way.

10:59 PM  
Blogger kesse04 said...

Hi, well, I think the comments have become out of control. My name is Jenn and I am a biracial adoptee. I am not here to attack you, I feel bad for you and can understand your situation as my adoptive mother had a long struggle with infertility. However, I would just like to say a few things. It is clear that you want a child, and it is also clear that you would give that child all the love you could. Please remember, and I don't care if other adoptees have commented "I never cared/wondered/etc" all adoptees do to some extent. I was a little offended by your tone toward birthmothers and who you feel has the right to have children (and I do realize that it is hard because you are ready, you are able to provide, and I hope that someday your heart can be full with your desires) You said people are too selfish to consider adoption, please read the Primal Wound, if you do adopt you will be able to understand that adoption is a big loss for the child. I love my adoptive parents, don't get me wrong, but I lost a whole other family to get them. I think everyone needs to step back and remember that we are all on the same team. These other adoptees on the site are trying to tell you how much adoption has hurt them, perhaps not in the best terms, and I don't think Karen realizes that birthmothers aren't just babymaking machines to pop out babies. Birthmothers give so much to their children (and there has been talk about not understanding infertility, you do not know what they have gone through-you haven't walked in their shoes). Bottom line is, from what I've read on your blog I think you would make an awesome mom, I just hope you can listen to what I have said and just take it as an adoptees experience, not an attack as it was not meant as one. My adoptive mother just read the book I suggested to you, and she said that she didn't realize how adoption can effect kids, and we are so much closer now.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Saving Our Way said...

Jeezy - I'm sorry about some of the comments above. I'm sure they are hurtful.

I'm a long time reader but have never commented. I know the deep desire to become a mother/parent and I can only imagine how anxious and frustrated you are.

Everyone has a different journey to becoming a parent. Praying you get to meet your baby girl very soon!

8:13 AM  
Blogger ~Christina~ said...

My goodness! After reading all the comments here on how selfish you are I am near tears.
I have followed this blog since July 2004 when my husband and I first TTC. Maybe it's because I've followed your story for as long as I have that I have to REALLY look into what your post says to see the actual "selfish" tones.
To all out there who feel the original post is selfish .... All I can say is that it is about damned time she got selfish!

This is a place where she vents. She cannot possibly go into every detail and every situation ... her reasons were her frustrations. The world knows that not ALL i.e. teen moms are trying to be trendy....

All I am saying is to cut this woman some slack here in the comments section. Instead of attacking her character, maybe go kiss your child(ren) and give 'em an extra hug...remember how thankful you should be for them.

Sheesh.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I've been reading your blog for years, too, and know how much you have struggled and how deep your desire is to be a loving mother. I am truly sorry you have been targeted as if you have committed a crime. Shouldn't we be thankful there are people who have such a desire for these children who have been given up? Let's remember that...given up, not taken away.

There will be many of us rejoicing with you the day Finley joins your family.

6:01 PM  
Blogger Allie said...

Long time lurker, usual drill. :) I know that many blogland pals will be surprised at the thoughts I'm going to put here, but remember that I'm someone who has been to many of the dark and lonely places you have been...

My first thought is that you should look into an new agency/alternate route; when it's been this slow for this many months and now past a year, your wait's going to continue, and that's just going to feed your frustration, anxiety, etc. I would not be happy at the lack of "movement" (for lack of a better term atm) and the scarcity of communication and ho-hum attitude from your agency. Just my $.02.

That said, I'm going to be very presumptuous: I honestly and sincerely suggest you go on retreat from blogging, from pumping, from thinking about it all for awhile and reset your emotions/mentality/mindset. A couple of weeks, a month, whatever. Then, come back and reread what you wrote in this post, and recall what's running through your head at this point in time. I think you'll see what I mean.

I know that you didn't intend to sound so callous and poisoned and skewed on a couple of points, but I'm frankly shocked at the tone and verbiage you have used here. It's becoming apparent that the years of frustration and waiting, with the added fuel of the hormones, are starting to eat at you. This is no frame of mind to welcome a child, and it's no good for you, your marriage, or for your future daughter.

Like many others who have supportively but quietly followed your story for a long time, I have no doubts that you both will be great parents, and I too think that the little girl who is meant to be your daughter will come through your door. But honestly, you really need to reset.

You are in my thoughts. Hang in there.

Allie

6:31 PM  
Blogger Endobaby said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am reading your blog and really hoping that you get to meet your little Finn soon.

2:51 AM  
Blogger Susan said...

Been a long time since I commented on your blog and actually lost the link for a long while, but just caught up with your current situation. Don't really want to comment on the previous comments drama other than to say some people need to "walk a mile" and then likely still not understand what it is to be another person having gone through what you have.

I'm still praying you have a beautiful bundle to hold very soon. Only you know what's right for you and your family (speaking of staying with the agency).

Many good wishes and thoughts to you and yours!

9:43 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

I read reason #6 as comparing mothers who ABORT their babies to being selfish. Not mothers who carry the baby to term and keep it.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Cookie crumbs said...

I'm so sorry that you are struggling, however what I have to share is not what you will want to hear, but MUST be heard.
I am one of those products of "poor judgement" who was denied a right to grow up knowing her heritage, her culture and her natural family. My adoptive parents have done their best, however selfishly wanted me to assume an identity that was not my own and to not question or even complain about it!
The decision to surrender and abandon your child must NEVER be about how much better it COULD be. Who are you or any mother to decide that a child is best without his or her heritage, roots, natural family. You have no idea how abandonned a child feels ... no matter how much his or her adoptive parents love them. Please keep this in mind once you do succeed in obtaining the child of one of those mothers with "poor judgement"... and be thankful that people managed to convince her that she was unfit to care for her own child.

12:44 PM  
Blogger BethGo said...

So what you are saying is that teenagers should not be allowed to parent their children?
Nice.
I'll tell my adoptive mother that she should have been abandoned since her mother had her at age 18.
My adoptive mother who was a successful educator for over thirty years and a pillar of the community will feel much better knowing that her parents should have given her away instead of raising her. Forget the fact that my amom is educated, loving and kind, she should have been placed for adoption, right?
Right?

2:46 PM  
Blogger jeni said...

here ya go:

http://adopt-now.com/babyNeedHome.htm

3:16 PM  
Blogger Shannon Elizabeth said...

Oh my, that website is sickening. I can't believe the women are posted there like cattle. These are human beings people!

3:39 PM  
Blogger Myst said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:17 PM  
Blogger Myst said...

I am another who is outraged with this post. Seriously, calling mothers who chose to rraise their own children selfish, what is that?

From some of the comments supporting you, I get that you have been through much pain and anguish to get to this point. As someone who is suffering in a completely different way I wanted to say I am very sorry for the pain you have been through.

But please, realise being part of a demand that causes more pain in another persons's life is not going to fix you. Adopting is not a guarantee you are going to have the family you want. You will never have the child you dreamt of, that is really sad, devastating but going into adoption with the expectation to adopt a child to help fill this spot is, I am sorry to say, cruel. Cruel to the child, cruel to the child's mother and cruel to yourselves.

Adoption today has become about wants, not needs. It is a new form of materialism. You pay and get a baby: to me that is not about helping anyone but one's self. While you are waiting for the classes to start, I would suggest you read Nancy Verrier's "Primal Wound". She is an adoptive parent as well but she does raise some very valid points. I get that you might not be open to learning about the pain adoption causes others but if you are going to contribute to that then the least you can do is read a book.

11:13 PM  
Blogger Jaimie said...

I'm a lurker but I can't just not say anything this time. I have so many thoughts and words but I can't pull them together. All I can say is wow. Wow. This is your place to express your feelings. I'm so sorry your hurting and I hear what you are saying. I see #3 and #4 all the time

6:40 AM  
Blogger Still Waiting said...

Wow. That is all I can think right now. You know, I can speak from two different viewpoints here. First, my sister was a little over 16 when she gave birth to my now 16 year old niece. While my sister decided to keep her baby, finished high school on time and has done very well for herself and raised a very smart and beautiful daughter on her own, she was not without a lot of support from her parents and grandma. My sister is an amazing mother and she cannot see her life without my niece, but at the same time, she missed out on her own childhood (this is from her own mouth). My sister has watched as my husband and I have struggled with infertility for almost 6 years now. She approached me and even offered for to have a baby for me and my husband. I told her no because she is still in her early 30’s and I want her to be able to experience motherhood again on her own terms.
While my husband and I have been through fertility treatments and the constant disappointment each time that evil witch rears her head each month, we still hold hope that there is a child out there for us. Are we not allowed to be mothers because of some “fluke” that has made us barren? In January of this year, my husband and I decided to start the process to adopt through our states foster system. In the 6 months we have been reviewing profiles of children, let me tell you something. Biology doesn’t mean crap! It is SICK what people will do to the children they carried for nine months, went through labor for and promised to care and love. I have seen 75 children pass through our hands. Each one has at least three to four siblings who have experienced the same crushing blows. You tell me that a 2 year old girl whose mother and father so severely sexually abused her that she will require two more corrective surgeries to correct the damage they did. Or how a mom and dad could lock their children in dog pins, starve them, beat them. You tell me how these children are better off with their biological parents? You can’t. But this is just the top of the cake. There are over 1,200 children in my state alone that are waiting for forever homes. The reason why they are so hard to place is that the system tries so hard to “maintain biological ties” that they forget these ties are often so vial, so poisonous, that they ruin children in the process. These 10-16 year olds waiting for parents have been in the foster system since they were infants. Why does it take 10 years for someone to see the damage done to these kids? Do you know it breaks my heart each time I read how a mother can hurt her child the way these women do? I feel angry, frustrated and hurt that they had this precious life to mold and develop, but chose to squash it! I’ll hear from some that these women are sick, well that may be true. However, many of these women were not prepared for the responsibility that comes with having a child and their resentment often materializes when they begin hurting their children. My husband will tell you that each time he goes into a home where the police have been called for a child neglect case, he sees children that are craving to be loved and cared for. Why should they be the ones to suffer in the name of selfishness? Why not do the unselfish thing and give them a chance at a real life. I like many women who have chosen to adopt have made a commitment to keep open lines of communication with our children as they come to us. They will know about their past, their families and will have pictures.

7:24 AM  
Blogger Still Waiting said...

Cause I wasn't finished...

I can honestly say that biology is what makes up your DNA, what you look like; some of your personality traits, but it does not make you all that you are. Adoptive parents go through tons of training to help a child hold onto their identity. These posts make adoptive parents sound like they are baby snatchers. I love my father, but he and my mother had no business having a child when they did. I grew up with an abusive mother who ended up abandoning me and my 5 year old brother all for a drug fix. I still love her because she gave birth to me, but I have no emotional connection to my identity in her. I do believe there are teen mothers out there who do have the emotional maturity to handle being a young mother.
So to those of you who view us adoptive mothers as selfish… wow… you need to think twice about that. God blessed 75 women with these beautiful children, and these women who “chose to mother” crushed 75 little spirits. Now it’s my responsibility and hundreds of others to piece back together these little lives and make them whole again. You tell me that I am selfish… go ahead, I dare you. I commend women who stop and really think about the life they can provide their child. I commend women who do not simply poop out children to maintain their welfare and food stamps. I commend women who realize that they can give their child the greatest gift, a loving, caring, nurturing home. So Mrs. D, I am there with you sister. This is a tough road to travel, and I know your pain. Know that there is hope, God doesn’t forget and always delivers on His promises. To those of you who criticize her, stop and put yourself in our shoes, or in the shoes of those 75 children that are asking why their mommy and daddy hurt them!

7:25 AM  
Blogger Myst said...

Wow, what a rant! Adoption does not prevent child abuse either. Sadly, abuse is a sad fact in the world and I have heard just as many stories about children adopted during the BSE and even today who were snatched from their mothers' arms only to be placed into the arms of either their murderers or abusers so don't go on about adoption being the saviour for abused children because it is not. This is just another excuse adoptive parents and pro adoption groups use to promote adoption. I used to think very similarly to this as well so I know you feel you are coming from a place of compassion but the more I have delved into adoption, the more I have found that is upsetting.

You get good adoptive parents but you get evil ones just as much as you get evil natural parents.

I am sorry still waiting about what happened in your life. I am. However I want you to know that being adopted as an infant wouldn't have necessarily changed that for you. It might have but then again, it could have been worse. You don't know so there is no way to judge it.

But to call a mother selfish for deciding to raise her own child like I read here is on another plain. To me, there is NO difference between a 16 year old mother and a married mother of 30 except age. To see her as unworthy of keeping her child because she is so young is akin to racism. This doesn't mean I am saying children should be parents BUT NO ONE has the right except God to judge these mothers and their choices and I am SICK of seeing as much judgement on these women as I do. It is NOT the responsibility of any other person to fix another woman's issue of not being able to have children. To palce this burden on another woman and her child is truly selfish and to choose to be blind to that is to choose to be an abuser of human rights. I know there are problems and there needs to be a more indepth look into the issues of teen pregnancy but adoption is NOT the solution.

4:45 PM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

You are the most unselfish person I know...in blogland or IRL...seriouly how could anyone say that about you?
I know that this has been the hardest, most emotionally demanding and faith draining process of your life, but I also know that Finley is on her way to you...and I promise that all of this will be for a good reason.

My prayers, love and every bit of faith to you my friend.

7:02 AM  
Blogger Jane said...

6. Adoption is the hardest option. Many people are to selfish to consider adoption for their child. It is to hard... it comes with pain and consequence for poor judgement. No one gives you a party when you choose to place your baby for adoption. No one celebrates the selfless decision being made. Many people feel it is easier to terminate the pregnancy and "be done with it" than it is to give that child a chance at a good life because it requires the birth mother to suffer the grief of losing her baby...

So you have grief at not being able to produce a baby, but its perfectly fine for some other woman to have grief by losing one, and in fact if she doesn't give it up she's actually selfish.

I think infertility has affected your soul..
Perhaps you should get some counseling as to how heartless you have become through your own pain and fear..Because truly a child would not be well off being placed with you at this point in time with the anger you have within you about the inability to get a baby..

And if you don't want people to respond with such disgust to your blog then I suggest you don't write things that are so controversial...

2:40 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I am an adoptee. Your other readers are more than welcome to call me rude but I more than very well could be a representation of what your prospective adult adopted child may tell you some day. This is about the children, not about the adults after all isn't it?

Adoption should be about pairing truly needy kids with homes, not parents who need kids with kids. The children of pregnant women already have mothers.

You are not entitled to another woman's baby simply because she is young or poor. In a modern industrialized society, we are all one one paycheck away from poverty. It upsets me that if I were impoverished someone could ever think it was OK to stake their claim on my child using their wealth as a reason why they are more entitled to my flesh and blood and the extension of my soul than I am.

Children who do not have food and clothes do not need new parents; they need food and clothes.

Abortion has very little to do with adoption. Someone who decides not to be pregnant is not an adoption candidate. The decision not to be pregnant has nothing to do with the decision not to parent. Research has proven that. Please stop slapping the two together and then getting upset because of all of the babies out there that could have been yours but were aborted--it's statistically a false correlation.

There is no such thing as a "selfish" or "unselfish" relinquishment. Those words do not describe a woman relinquishing her child. There are too many poor sentiments left in place by the Baby Scoop Era against single women who are poor and pregnant out of wedlock. Calling them "brave" for walking away from their child is just manipulation. "Brave" doesn't describe adoption. What it does describe is a society that thinks it's better for a child to experience adoption loss and seperation trauma than it is for poor families to stay together (adopted babies are forced much earlier in development to understand that they are no longer extensions of their mother's bodies. They feel and smell for the woman that carried them for 9 months and cannot find her--this is terrifying. I hope your adoption agency is explaining to you the unique emotional needs that a baby that you potentially may adopt may have).

Teenagers are entitled to parent their children if they choose. You appear to feel entitled to a child based on how good of a parent you think you'll be. But no matter what, there's always someone out there who is better than you. How would you like it if you had a child and someone felt you weren't entitled to you own flesh and blood because of age or socioeconomic status?

Grandparents and other biological relatives have every right to participate in the extended family adoption model and are the preferrable option if the original parents cannot parent themselves. It is what is in the best interest of the child--not YOU.

I am an adoptee with a positive adoption experience and I love my adoptive parents. I am not completely unsympathetic. I stuggled with infertility for more than two years and was told I may have PCOS and the doctors were not sure if I'd ever be able to have children. I considered adoption but I did not ever, ever, ever once feel entitled to another woman's infant. Despite being an adoptee and someone who has struggled with infertility in the past, I cannot read prospective adoptive parents make the statements you just made without saying something--I'm sorry. We're speaking about human being here--not property. Your approach to adoption is extremely unethical. Please seek counseling (whatever your agency counseling gives you may not be adequate enough).

3:24 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Kirsten, there is a difference between a healthy desire to parent and feeling entitled to another woman's child on an extremely unethical basis.

The demand for adoption has created a lucrative 3 billion dollar per years industry. In the recent past of adoption history, the demand has been supplied in extremely unethical ways.

Adoptive parents need to make sure that they are placing a healthy and ethical demand for adoption. We need to progress from history and change the way adoption is done now. Adoptive parents absolutely demanding ethical adoptions is vital to that. I'm sorry but wanting a pregnant woman's baby, desiring that grandparents have no entitlement to their own grandchildren and feeling that babies should be seperated from teen mothers is not an ethical perspective on adoption.

3:40 PM  
Blogger NoOne said...

Wow! This blog is beyond revolting.
I'm rendered speechless.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/

http://originsusa.memberlodge.org/

If you want/need to "parent" why not sponsor a young woman and her new baby? Why not foster those "damaged" children you speak of as though they are throw aways? There's a thousand different options other than manipulating a scared single mom out of her baby who she loves and wants more than breath in her lungs.

5:55 AM  
Blogger Cricket said...

I know I'd commented on your other blog post ("Oh For God's Sake"), but I also wanted to point out something else.

You blogged:

"Please continue to pray for us and Finley... this is the hardest thing we have ever done and we appreciate your support and prayers for us, our baby and our adoption agency."

The baby is not yours yet. I know that sounds cruel to say, and that's not my intention..but it's the truth. Raising a child is not a right..it's a privilege. And recognizing that some of your thinking may be a bit flawed is the sign of a true mature person.

5:20 PM  
Blogger Spencer said...

LIke I said in another comment - I totally understand why adoptees may feel bitter and alone at time (who doesn't?) but NoOne, I almost had to laugh out loud at your comment.

Um, sponsoring a another woman's child and helping her out is a wonderful sentiment but is not even close to what it feels like to raise a needy child in your own home 24/7. I can't even comprehend how you would feel that these two things are comparable. It appears to me that all the negative posts are assuming that EVERY SINGLE adoption story is fraught with birthmothers who desperately want to cling on to their much wanted babies and these wretched potential adoptive parents are swooping in with their evil intentions and ripping families apart. Yes, I can see how situations are manipulated and coerced - some of the time - but come on, let's not pretend that this is the case with ALL birthmothers!

Face it, there are LOADS of people in this world not meant to parent - happens every day! You know as well as I do that there are plenty of women out there that are relieved and feel free once the burden is off of their shoulders. They may not have parents, grandparents, siblings who can or are willing to help them out of may simply NOT want to parent at all - why can you not accept that sadly, some babies are not wanted by their birthmothers?! It's very sad but we cannot pretend that it is not true! It appears that you all are saying that it's best to leave an infant with the birthmother no matter what the consequences - and I probably shouldn't say it but maybe you're just looking at something to blame your angst on - if it wasn't the adoption hurt, it would be something else.

Yes, we should do our best to keep families together but once the rose colored glasses are set aside we should recognize that adoption sometimes is the best option. Not every time - but let's not criminalize every single adoption - ridiculous.

Jen

8:19 AM  
Blogger NoOne said...

jen, i knew i shouldn't have allowed for updates to responses here as your response has truly, genuinely made me very sad. i'm so sorry you feel the way you do. my point is only that people do a lot more research and get more true unbiased counseling before rushing into an adoption, especially of an infant. try 98% of all infant adoptions being unnecessary and coerced. sponsoring is not the same as raising but raising someone else's child isn't the same either. at least sponsoring helps hold a family together for those who do not have support as you stated...that is often the problem. the fact that some people are paying upwards of 70-90K for an infant is a huge red flag. there should be NO money changing hands. the money makes the agency/social workers go to unethical lengths to get an infant. i'm young yet but can't have another child though my husband and i would LOVE to have a child together...i REFUSE to adopt because i KNOW what the facts are so we mentor and participate in benefits/fundraising activities, etc. that brings us peace. just sharing some truths. if you aren't willing to do the research then there is nothing more i can really say.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

5. The CPS system sucks. It takes a lot for a child to be taken away from a parent in our country. Even the mother who gives birth to a meth baby has the chance to clean up and start over with her baby after only a few months of sobriety.

I would be very, very concerned if we lived in a country where it was *easy* (or even less difficult!) to take away children from their parents! Beyond some very serious criminal behavior on the part of the natural parents, it should be up to no one to decide to terminate someone else's parental rights.

5:49 AM  
Blogger V said...

If reading comments from the people most affected by adoption is upsetting, then one's reasons for adopting are unethical and narcissistic.

It's really that simple. Adoption is not about giving prospective adoptive parents what they want, no matter how badly they want it. It's about providing safe, nurturing homes for babies and children who truly do not have family who can care for them.

Without ethics, adoption is child trafficking.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Von said...

What v says and Elizabeth I take it you live in America, the home of the adoption industry where huge profits are made from placing babies and children often from other countries.
Adoption is complex and sadly so many adopters have not understood that what they do and say now affects adoptees as adults.Adoption is based on loss, all adoptions and entitlement should never be part of adoption.

9:32 PM  
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2:25 AM  

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