Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Le Explanation...

I took another HPT last night at 10 PM... I just HAD to.. it was sitting on the kitchen counter in it's pink little box winking at me. PROMISING me a positive. I was weak... again.. and gave in again... and got a BFN... again... No early morning pee.. old stale 10 PM pee. What a waste of $$$.

Today I am feeling crampy. It is day 29 of my cycle that before my m/c was 32 days long and now... well after 2 back to back m/c it is hard to tell... It is somewhere between 29 and 34 days... I think. Twice I went to the bathroom knowing that I had started, but so far nothing.

We have friends coming over tonight (I'll call them A. & B.) that I have not seen in a long time. They are coming over late (after Mr. D's show) so it will be around 11 PM when they get here. Which is just about the time I usually start getting ready for bed. We are going to have late night snacks of jalapeno/cream cheese dip, chips and beer... and yes... I think I will be drinking... but we never drink much.

In the morning when A. & B. wake up I will serve my famous breakfast lasagna, cheddar cheese biscuits, and for something sweet... strawberries romanoff! I am a good cook (when I apply myself) even though I only cook about once every two months! We usually eat out a lot or Mr. D cooks... he is a great cook and being an actor he is usually home during the day so I don't have to worry about "what's for dinner".

B. is in the show with Mr. D and they are pretty good buddies. While they have a matinee performance tomorrow A. and I will hang out here and catch up since I haven't visited with her in a long time. I am a little nervous though... she is an actress and even though they have been married 3 years, they are in no hurry to have a baby. I am scared we won't have much in common...

Recently changed my life and career focus to teaching, directing, and starting a family a lot more than acting.. I sort of have trouble relating to the "actress types". Plus, I get all judgmental about myself and start feeling fat and boring and talent-free because I am not performing. The super-competitive type A part of me starts feeling really low self esteem because I am not out the pounding the pavement trying to be a working actress like my old so-called "friends" are. The theatre industry is really hard on you and it is a life that I never lived very well. It is exhausting to be superficial all the time and worry about nothing but auditions, voice lessons, your appearance, and call times. It is a life that I am happy to be away from... Until I hang out with an old friend I start feeling like a big old slug who gave up and became a teacher for the security. The old adage "Those would can... Do. Those who can't... teach" replays a million times in my head.

But, I am excited to spend time with another woman because I do not have many girlfriends. Relationships with women have always been hard for me. I am really working on that in my 30's. I want girlfriends... I need that support and I really do not have it from the friends I have now. It was especially hard after my miscarriages... I felt like no one could understand how I felt. A actually felt like there were women in my life who were unsympathetic... Like since I have a great husband, a nice home, a job that I love, and a pretty face that I had no right to want more or to grieve such a small thing as a miscarriage. Ouch.. that really hurt me.

I do feel so blessed with the life I lead, but I still have a void in my life that makes me yearn for a child of our own. Is that selfish? Do I not deserve it because God has blessed me in other areas?

Anyway... I am going to cultivate my friendships with women... starting tonight with A.

I am off to vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, and prep the food for breakfast...

...hopefully AF won't show her ugly face around here... but I have a feeling... she might just crash my party.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's nothing wrong with being grateful for so much you have and still wanting a child. One doesn't cancel the other out. Wishing you luck and you've got a whole bunch of girlfriends who understand, right here in blogland. The only thing we can't do is give you a real hug when you need it.


4:13 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

jamie, i just felt like i was reading my own blog. i go through the same thoughts about where i am in life and feeling like i've 'settled' and then also not having many girfriends (i too find it hard to get close to other women). the only thing i'd change is the career information. weird huh? we have a lot in common i think. if you read my blog on sept 9th "i think i messed up" you'll see what i'm talking about.

jamie...i think AF just arrived. and believe me, i am very down about it......



5:50 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Daisypath Wedding tickers

Click Here