Le Explanation...

I took another HPT last night at 10 PM... I just HAD to.. it was sitting on the kitchen counter in it's pink little box winking at me. PROMISING me a positive. I was weak... again.. and gave in again... and got a BFN... again... No early morning pee.. old stale 10 PM pee. What a waste of $$$.

Today I am feeling crampy. It is day 29 of my cycle that before my m/c was 32 days long and now... well after 2 back to back m/c it is hard to tell... It is somewhere between 29 and 34 days... I think. Twice I went to the bathroom knowing that I had started, but so far nothing.

We have friends coming over tonight (I'll call them A. & B.) that I have not seen in a long time. They are coming over late (after Mr. D's show) so it will be around 11 PM when they get here. Which is just about the time I usually start getting ready for bed. We are going to have late night snacks of jalapeno/cream cheese dip, chips and beer... and yes... I think I will be drinking... but we never drink much.

In the morning when A. & B. wake up I will serve my famous breakfast lasagna, cheddar cheese biscuits, and for something sweet... strawberries romanoff! I am a good cook (when I apply myself) even though I only cook about once every two months! We usually eat out a lot or Mr. D cooks... he is a great cook and being an actor he is usually home during the day so I don't have to worry about "what's for dinner".

B. is in the show with Mr. D and they are pretty good buddies. While they have a matinee performance tomorrow A. and I will hang out here and catch up since I haven't visited with her in a long time. I am a little nervous though... she is an actress and even though they have been married 3 years, they are in no hurry to have a baby. I am scared we won't have much in common...

Recently changed my life and career focus to teaching, directing, and starting a family a lot more than acting.. I sort of have trouble relating to the "actress types". Plus, I get all judgmental about myself and start feeling fat and boring and talent-free because I am not performing. The super-competitive type A part of me starts feeling really low self esteem because I am not out the pounding the pavement trying to be a working actress like my old so-called "friends" are. The theatre industry is really hard on you and it is a life that I never lived very well. It is exhausting to be superficial all the time and worry about nothing but auditions, voice lessons, your appearance, and call times. It is a life that I am happy to be away from... Until I hang out with an old friend I start feeling like a big old slug who gave up and became a teacher for the security. The old adage "Those would can... Do. Those who can't... teach" replays a million times in my head.

But, I am excited to spend time with another woman because I do not have many girlfriends. Relationships with women have always been hard for me. I am really working on that in my 30's. I want girlfriends... I need that support and I really do not have it from the friends I have now. It was especially hard after my miscarriages... I felt like no one could understand how I felt. A actually felt like there were women in my life who were unsympathetic... Like since I have a great husband, a nice home, a job that I love, and a pretty face that I had no right to want more or to grieve such a small thing as a miscarriage. Ouch.. that really hurt me.

I do feel so blessed with the life I lead, but I still have a void in my life that makes me yearn for a child of our own. Is that selfish? Do I not deserve it because God has blessed me in other areas?

Anyway... I am going to cultivate my friendships with women... starting tonight with A.

I am off to vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, and prep the food for breakfast...

...hopefully AF won't show her ugly face around here... but I have a feeling... she might just crash my party.