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Thursday, September 16, 2004

The Reign of the Drama Queen

I tested... BFN (duh...) I have sunk to an all time low... I actually went and bought a test on my lunch and tested in the restroom here at school!!!!!!! How pathetic is THAT! OMG!!!!! I am disgusted with myself!

Here is how this whole obsessive thing went down... This morning was great... I even encouraged my friend Jen not to test today because it was to early for her... (She is like 1 or 2 days behind my cycle)...I was fine... started thinking that my boobs might be slightly sore.... Then I started thinking that if I was pregnant I would need to see a doctor right away to get progesterone and start on heparin... Then I started thinking about how busy I am at work next week and how could I possibly get to the doctor..... Then I started thinking that we have an early release day tomorrow at school because of Homecoming and I could get to the doctor tomorrow afternoon if I needed to.... Then I started to think that I could probably see the doctor tomorrow if I knew that I was pregnant... Then I spent a while thinking about how excited and nervous I would be if I actually took the test and found out I was.... Then I started thinking about how I would tell Mr. D and how I am SURE that this pregnancy would go to term and what great parents we will be and....

So the next thing I know I am starring at a BFN in the girls restroom at school! Seriously... it was really negative... like NO SIGN OF A PINK LINE... this test didn't even have the decency to turn pink an hour later when I re-checked it (YES... I KNOW you are not supposed to re-check them!!!!!!!) This is like the BIGGEST FATTEST NEGATIVE THERE EVER HAS BEEN OR EVER WILL BE!

I do not keep secrets from Mr. D... but I do not think that I can tell him that I am such a pregnancy test whore that I tested in the girl's room at school!!!! This is a new low...

Irony of the day: I probably could have randomly selected a high school girl out of the hallway and had her pee on the stick and got a BFP!!!!

And if I got a BFP can you imagine...
"Mommy where were you when you found out you were pregnant with me?"
ME: "Well honey... I was in the girls restroom at school on my lunch break balancing the test on my lap and trying to see the LINES!!!!!!!!"

Now I am pissed at myself and sad... And I don't even care that I get to ride with my "kids" in the homecoming parade on a fire truck down Main Street today and I get to wear a crown and wave because I am the "Drama Queen". None of that matters because I TOOK A FRIGGING PREGNANCY TEST IN THE GIRLS BATHROOM IN A HIGH SCHOOL AND I AM A 32 YEAR OLD TEACHER!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck.

AND.. what kind of moron tests on day 27 of a 32 day cycle! I didn't even use the morning pee!!!!!

(I will probably test again on Sunday if AF doesn't get here... I have another test...)

I am out of control...


Blogger Jen said...

Oh Jamie....I'm so sorry you got a BFN!! You seemed so strong this morning in your post to me! It is early...test again is the b*#&% AF doesn't show up. At this point either of us would only be 3 1/2 - 4 weeks along and there would only be between 25 and 50 mIU in our pee anyway...and in the morning. And most tests aren't even that sensitive.

I know that if you're not so many people will tell you, that's okay, try again next month or...don't worry it will happen for you sometime soon, just keep trying, but I won't say those things to you, since I know that if someone says them to me I'll say...yeah, well, I want to be pregnant right now and am actually still supposed to be pregnant...and how do you know that it will ever happen for me? So I will just say to you, if you're not, hang in there and that I'm here for you no matter what happens! I think everyday that I wish it would happen, but I am so worried. Which is totally natural. I hope that someday you will have that little baby that you want so badly Jamie....

Take care, girl!

Your pal, Jen

1:26 PM  
Blogger Jen said...


I gave in too...couldn't take it anymore. I'm only on CD23 today (3 weeks and 1 day) and my test is meant more or less for the end of the 3rd or 4th week. It was BFN of course. How silly are we? I'm not giving up hope yet. With my symptoms it's still possible.

When I tested with Elliott, I was CD30 and a First Response test was FFP. At the Drs it was negative. A week later it was BFP at last. So I am not giving up yet!

You shouldn't either....since it is still early!! I guess we're both PTWs!


3:03 AM  

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