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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

STAGE MANAGER: "Psst... Singing Fat Lady!... You're on!"

It is only September 21... but for me... this month is OVER.

This morning at 4:43 I got the ultimate BFN. I woke slightly hopeful to finally do the HPT right with 1st morning pee... peed on the stick... set it down.. wiped... and pink! Wh-wh- what??? possible implantation bleeding?... Wiped again... darker pink. Third time... RED. Dug out the tampons from the back of the cabinet where they always are when I need them and (can you believe this) I actually watch the HPT for another 10 minutes.... just to make sure. Stupid AF.
I hate you!

I have a thing with bleeding now... it is really traumatic. Before it was an inconvenience, and mildly uncomfortable and it had started reminding me that "hey... you're not pregnant this month". But now... I think m/c. Blood on the tissue means scary things that I have nightmares about. Cramps seem worse and deeper. It means a terrible empty feeling in my belly.. it means things are falling out of me.. it means my body has betrayed me... it means I am childless... it means I have failed...

My period has become a subtle monthly reminder of what it felt like to miscarry.

By the way... I would like to punch the fucking man that came up with the word miscarriage.. It sounds like you dropped something. It sounds like a football term! Like, "I could've caught the ball but I miscarried it."

I remember times in my past when I PRAYED for AF... Begged and promised anything if God would just let her visit. Being pregnant would have been the worst thing ever then... I was 18 when I had sex for the first time... Wow... If I would've conceived then... I could have a 14 year old kid... I might have missed getting my college degree, missed becoming an Equity actress, missed touring the US, missed meeting and marrying Mr. D... If I got pregnant then (at the "wrong time") I might have miscarried my whole life.

So if God knew that the timing wasn't right for me then... I have to trust him about the timing now.
(epiphany time.. seriously... tears in eyes now...)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

So's never easy no matter how far along you are in this game.

I'm still hoping for you and hoping for you soon.


9:42 AM  
Blogger nichole said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:20 AM  
Blogger nichole said...

[whoops - what I meant to say - ]
I hope you don't mind a new stranger commenting on your blog. I got here from A Little Pregnant, where all the talk of babies moving around is nice, but so totally not what I needed to hear today. Knowwhatimean?

Reading your post, I'm so sorry...I know it's no consolation, but my week's going just the same way. Last Tuesday my friend had her 2nd kid, the one that would have been as old as my first, had I not miscarried in the middle of my last semester in grad school. Saturday was my 27th birthday (yeah, boo hoo, I know) and our 1-year-trying anniversary. And today, I'm pretty much sure it's not implantation bleeding I'm seeing.

Here's to a better October.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thankyou for sharing your anguish and pain. No-one can truly feel what you are going through and your feelings are real and justified regardless of what others may think or say.

Have a look at - it is an Australian clinic (i don't know what there may be in your area) and the website may have some useful information. A good naturopath may be able to help you out with nutritional advice (specific to fertility) and herbs to help balance your oestrogen/progesterone levels.

Regards and best wishes

3:19 PM  

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