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Saturday, October 16, 2004

Jamie... read this post when you feel angry, upset, or pissed....

I think I had an epiphany this morning...

I say "think" because it wasn't a "knock you in the side of the head with realization" type epiphany... but a soft quiet blanket type of thought that seemed to wash over me as I woke up.

When I woke up at 6 am I had several thoughts.
#1 - I didn't have to pee all night... NOT PREGNANT
#2 Boobs not hurting... NOT PREGNANT
#3 No nausea... gas... bloating... little uterine pangs.. cramps... etc... NOT PREGNANT

I started to get up to do my morning pregnancy test anyway.. but I didn't. I just stayed in bed and didn't. I just gave myself permission not to test. I told myself that I could always test later if I wanted to... Then I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I woke up at 8 am the sun was beautiful streaming though my bedroom windows and I could see the rose bushes outside my window in bloom... the day was just incredible and all three of my kitties were curled up around me... I felt so..... (drum roll please).... HAPPY.

This time I had to pee... (naturally it had been 11 hours)... but I didn't test... I just chose not to... I again gave myself permission to test later and just flushed my FMU down the toilet.

Here is the epiphany in two fold...

#1 - I think I had forgotten how to enjoy the non-pregnant feeling of my body... On days that I felt good and healthy I got angry because I didn't have pregnancy symptoms. I have lost a couple of pounds... but overlooked it because I was thinking of my empty belly. I didn't appreciate the natural curves that I have because I wanted my breasts to be huge, painful and swollen. I was disappointed that I didn't have heartburn or gas or the urgency to pee 100 times a day... I was starting my days of bad every day with a BFN... Wow.. how miserable is that... to not see anything good in your life because one thing is going bad. I decided that when AF officially starts I will take another round of the antibiotics that I stopped taking after 3 days because the label said DO NOT TAKE WHILE PREGNANT... That way I will know that the ureaplasma is cleared up and I won't be scared of that when I AM pregnant... I will try to appreciate the extra time "not pregnant" that I have to make myself a better person and therefore a better mom when my baby does finally get here.

#2 There are several things that I am happy for today... And being happy does not negate my wish for a baby... they are separate. I am allowed to be happy and I don't have to pine away for a baby every day of my life... I CAN appreciate the things that I have.

A list of a few of the good things...

1. My hubby Mr. D. - So kind... so supportive... so handsome... just the best partner in the world. I love him so much and I KNOW that he is my soul mate. And (thank you God...) we are both 100% healthy.
2. My parents are both living and healthy... I may not see them a lot.. but if I need them... they are here and can support me in their own ways... same for my brother...
3. Nic and her little jellybean are flying on the way to London to meet her husband. She will be so happy and relieved to be with him. They can get settled and be together finally and start getting ready for the big arrival in May.
4. My show... it was really well received and the kids learned a lot... and after today it will be OVER and on to the next project.
5. My dream house... It is gorgeous... People who visit always compliment it... Everything is decorated and looks finished... We have done a good job with the interior design and the landscaping... and we have done it for a lot less $$$ than most people could. It is truly the perfect home for Mr. D. and me... it is so "us".... comfortable, elegant, livable and just HOME.

These are just my top five...

So... (write it down girls)... Jamie Elise is going to take one day off from testing... from pregnancy woes... from miscarriage... from crying... and be happy...

and if I feel this good tomorrow... I may take tomorrow off too...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whether it be pregnancy, or whatever else we are having a hard time with in our lives, we could all benefit from your attitude. You seem to be such a great person.


7:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad that you're having a happy day and feel good.


8:05 AM  
Blogger Menita said...

Hurray for your happy day!

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been lurking on the great big world of infertility blogs for a few years now. This is my first comment on any of them. Thank you for this. It is so easy to forget this. Much of the comfort I take from these blogs i get in the form of confirmation of my own pain, that it is ok to hurt, and that it is ok to be angry and also to laugh and make fun. But sometimes i do forget to be happy. I forget that happiness is not a negation of the pain; it isn't treason to the unborn children to take joy in the life i have. Thank you for reminding me.

I was going to recommend that you come back and read it yourself on occasion -then I re-read the title of your post. Make sure you do.


4:27 PM  

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