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Thursday, October 21, 2004

My EDD...

There is something really bothering me...

My estimated due date was November 5, 2004...
That date is almost here and I can feel it looming over me...
I am not pregnant and I can't believe 9 months have gone by and I am still not having a baby...
I thought if only I could BE pregnant on this due date it just wouldn't hurt so badly...
I feel heart sick and alone and just sad...sad... sad...
Plus.. there seems to be a rash of meanness to unpregnant women on my PW message board and on some of the blogs that I read...
People announcing to the world that we un-pregnant women are just "to angry and bitter" and "THAT is why we are not pregnant"...

No one seems to remember that I am "supposed" to be 38 weeks pregnant right now.
I am "supposed" to have a beautiful nursery ready...
I am "supposed" to be scared for labor and delivery...
I am "supposed" to be a mommy in just a few days....
I am "supposed" to be... so much more...

Instead... two days before my 33 birthday won't be a special day...
There won't be stuffed animals and cards and balloons...
There won't be family visits and hugs...
There won't be a baby...
There won't be... anything...

How can I face that day?

The thing that breaks my heart the most... is that no one even remembers that this was supposed to be a special day... for everyone one else this pregnancy ended in March... So I am left alone in my vigil... to wait for November 5th and to remember the baby that I will never hold.

When I do round the corner of November 6th... I will have the second date to grieve...

January 29.



5 Comments:

Blogger Kath said...

I was supposed to deliver twin girls on the 31st March this year. That date passed not long after my first ivf failure post-miscarriage and I clinged to the thought that I would be pregnant again before the year is out. Dont give up Kath, Dont give up. 2004 Can still be OUR year.

Then I passed the anniversary of my miscarriage in September. I could barely function that week. Still nothing after a year.

2004 is shaping up to be nearly as crap as 2003. Will 2005 present us with the booty!

I wish I could give you tips on how to get through early November. Perhaps a trip downunder to watch the Melbourne Cup. Yes a holiday where you can relax...yeah fucking right!

So sorry.

12:25 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

Jamie, I'm so sorry for your loss and the (near) constant reminders it brings. You'll get through the 5th and Jan. 29th though I don't doubt it won't be easy. Nothing ever is when dealing with IF.

My own EDD is/was 4/15 and I'm already dreading this first one coming up. I don't know how I'll function but I imagine I somehow will. I'll have your example to follow as well as those of so many other great IF gals in the blogworld.

Hold on to hope, as slippery as she can be. You will get through it. I'll be thinking of you.

4:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My EDD was 3/13/04. Just like you, I feel kicked in the gut, that no one can understand what was SUPPOSED to be.

It's never easy and the only ones who can sit that are idiots.

xxxxoooo,
Emily
scrambledeggs

6:56 AM  
Blogger ~C~ said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I know EDD was 11/5 but I also know that once you've got a positive on the EPT stick, it's your baby, not just a pregnancy. I can't imagine what you must be going through because I have not experienced it. I can say I will pray for you during this difficult time. God bless you and Mr. D....

6:27 PM  
Blogger chris said...

Sorry for your loss. My due date was the 10th, but because I'm a previous c-section, it would have been sooner. You can't help but think about it. Good luck. Glad to hear you had such a good shopping trip. Hope it cheered you up.

7:16 PM  

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