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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

My (first) Miscarraige Story part II

5W6D
After 2 days of not being able to do anything I went for the 2nd blood draw. I had to do it at the hospital because they did the first draw when I was in the ER and my doctor was insistent that we use the same lab to get the most accurate numbers. Went in for the stick... I was still trying to be hopeful. I got the call later at work... I don't remember the exact numbers but I know that they did not double.... They did increase... something like 65%... I didn't know enough about Hcg to know that this was a really bad sign. Believe it or not... I was still hopeful.

6W 0D
Went in to my doctor for another u/s. The sac was still there... it was bigger... but they couldn't see the baby. This new doctor still tried to be hopeful... I think he told me that there was a low chance that the pregnancy was viable... like 20%... I quickly understood that I was about to go through a m/c... and I was so scared... I heard awful things about d&c's and about women hemmoraging and all the terrible things that "could" happen. I also knew that in 3 days I was supposed to be going to Houston to be with Mr. D over the holiday... My doctor gave me the OK to go... He said that if I had not miscarried naturally over the next 10 days then either we would schedule a d&c or we would have a viable pregnancy...

I called my best friend at work... She was the first person that I actually told... It was horrible telling her that things looked bad and that I was probably having a miscarriage and that Mr. D. was away and that I didn't know what to do... She came over and stayed with me that night and the next night. One minute I would be crying and scared... the next I would convince myself that everything was going to be OK... I finally called my mom and told her what was happening... She offered to fly to Texas to be with me... but I knew that all I wanted was to get through the next few days and to get to Houston to be with my husband. I don't know how I functioned those 3 days... I had a show I was directing for a major competition at school and lots of responsibilities... I just did it. I just worked... no one around me knew anything was wrong.

6W3D
No one wanted me to drive the four hours to Houston... but nothing was going to stop me... I needed my husband. There was NO WAY that I was going to stay home on spring break for a week and WAIT ... alone... The night before I bought a little pink teddy bear while I was at Target because the name on her tag was "Hope". So after a few discussions with my doctor about emergency situations..."go to the hospital if you have unbearable cramps... trust me ... you will know when it gets unbearable" and "If you start bleeding and bleed through a pad in less than an hour... go to the hospital". I had a long rehearsal with my students that morning and then packed my car, my dog Emmitt, and "Hope" and headed to Houston.

The trip to Houston was uneventful... my back was a little sore from sitting... I only stopped once to eat and to walk Emmitt. When I got my food I had an incredible urge to get a root beer (which I normally don't like at all...) That root beer was so good... that was the closest I have ever come to a pregnancy craving. When I arrived at the hotel Mr. D. was still at rehearsal. He had bought a new pretty comforter for the hotel bed and there we beautiful fresh flowers in the room. When he got home that night I don't think I had ever been so happy to see anyone in my whole life. I new at least for this week I wouldn't be alone in all this.

The next 5 days were very strange. One minute I would be crying and sure that I was going to die from this upcoming miscarriage... the next I would grieve the baby I was losing... the next I would start planning my nursery and want to buy things for the baby... the next I was sure that everything was going to be OK... Mr. D was an angel... he supported me in whatever feeling I felt... when he had to leave for rehearsal he would call me multiple times to check on me back at the hotel. We shopped and played in Houston and tried to have a nice little vacation together... even though every once in a while I would burst in to tears and ask him "what do you think is going to happen???" I wanted to know what was happening so bad... and there were just no answers. I still felt so pregnant... very sore boobs, heartburn, gas, tired, and small bouts of nausea (usually when I was in the car). It was so strange to feel so pregnant and know that you may not get a baby.

7W0D
Mr D.'s show opened and I went to the performance. I had great seats and the couple next to be were very chatty... They asked why I was there alone and I told them my husband was in the show... They made small talk and at some point I heard myself say "We just found out that we are expecting our first baby in November..." It felt so good to tell someone without the "qualifiers" that things weren't going well with the pregnancy... I just blurted it out... and it felt like the mostnormal thing I had said all week. I decided that if I talked about my baby enough then maybe God would feel that I deserved to keep her....

7W1D
I announce to Mr. D on this morning that I had decided to "just BE pregnant" until my body told me something different. I wanted to shop and buy baby things and enjoy the feeling. I felt guilty that I would someday tell my child that I was not happy from the moment that I found out I was having a baby... I was desparate to be a normal pregnant woman.

It was a beautiful day... we took Emmitt to Whole Foods and decided to eat outside. After a wonderful meal I went to the restroom and saw a tinge of brown when I wiped. I felt all of the hope drain out of me and started shaking... I got it together to go back outside to tell Mr. D. what was happening... then I walked aimlessly around Whole Foods looking for pads... they didn't have any... We went to a drugstore... where I walked by THREE pregnant women to get to the pad aisle. I couldn't control the tears... After buying giant pads we decided to go to a park and walk Emmitt... This is mostly a blur... there were fountains and lots of people and children playing in the water and I just stood there holding my dog leash with hot tears rolling down my face.

We went back to the hotel, called my doctors office and left a message for my nurse, and watched a movie... School of Rock... Isn't it strange what we do in times of crisis... The nurse called back and told me that "brown blood is nothing to worry about" and told me that if I was miscarrying that there would be bright red blood. She gave me a little hope... but not much... There was very little brown blood so I tried to stay positive... but I knew...

7W2D
There was no more brown blood this morning and hope started to creep back in. We went to the mall and I got a pedicure and manicure. We were walking around the mall when my back started to ache... and we were standing in Pottery Barn Kids when I felt a little gush... This time there was no doubt... the blood was bright red.

9 Comments:

Blogger Sara said...

Isn't it amazing how many details we remember from those type of experiences? My mother still decribes her own like they happened yesterday and that has never changed.

Thank you for sharing your story, Jaime. :-) I think it is intriguing to see how other people deal with similar issues, for some reason. It seems in the end, we all feel the same exact way, you know?

Hugs and crossing fingers for this month for you . .

6:12 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

Jamie,

Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I am sure that your story will help others who have or are experiencing a similar thing.

I know that they say m/c is a common thing, but when it is happening to you it doesn't really seem like it.

You know that I am thinking about you and if you need anything, just let me know!

I will talk to you soon. Take care,
Chasity

6:37 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

I am so grateful that you are sharing your story and so sad that you had to go through it.

9:15 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Thank you Thank you Thank you for sharing your story. This is one of the hardest things someone has to go through. You are truly and strong and amazing woman.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Kath said...

I helps to share the story, doesn't it. I hope this will enable some part of you to heal. I may write about my own in greater detail soon, perhaps when I have something positive going on.

5:32 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Jamie,
Thanks for sharing... I know that everyday I relive the events of losing by babies... I know you do too. I really don't like that the Doc try to give so much hope.. because you just hope enough on your own.. I think I would of rather liked to of been prepared... what about you? Thanks again for sharring..
Hugs
Jenna

1:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jamie,

Thank you for sharing that intimate story with all of us. I, myself, have never had a miscarriage. I can only imagine what it must be like and you put a face on a story of all the women I read and the miscarriages they have. I was able to try your shoes on for a minute.....not that I know how you feel but I got an idea.

It is really sad..the loss of life and your dream. I am very sorry for you and your husband. I so do hope that it works out for you. This stuff just really sucks.

Again thank you for sharing your life.

warmly, alex (infertile gourmet)

10:07 PM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Jamie I hope writing your story can help to ease a little of your pain, and I am sure you are helping a lot of woman by telling your story. They finally feel they are not alone .. :-(
Love Lesley

1:46 AM  
Blogger Rosanne said...

Jamie, I'm so sorry you had to go through so much. Thanks so much for sharing your story and trusting us enough to be so open. Huge hugs to you!
Rosanne

1:34 PM  

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