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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

My (first) Miscarriage Story - part III

(Not for the sensitive... way to descriptive... please be warned...)

Once the red blood started things happened pretty quickly. I stayed at the hotel alone that night while Mr. D. went to work... that night I passed the big mass that I later found out was the sac... I panicked and fished it out of the toilet for inspection...it was more solid than the other clots and kind of looked like a two inch piece of over cooked steak. Then I didn't know what to do with it... suddenly it felt so wrong to be staring at it... What was I going to do with it??? I flushed it... I was not emotional at that point... In fact, I was so relieved to not have to hope that everything would be ok... I called my Mom and told her... She is a nurse and the first thing she asked was "what did you do with the sac?"... I told her I flushed it and I guess she felt that I should have saved it... "For what Mom??? I can't see my doctor in Dallas for another 4 days??? What was I supposed to do with it???" This was the first time I felt guilty about flushing my baby... She said I was right... that I did the right thing... When Mr. D came home I cried a little but I wanted to let him know that I was doing OK...

The thing about miscarrying naturally is this... you actually "see" what comes out of your body. No one really prepares you for that. They just say "it is like a heavy period with clots and cramps..". well... yes... but they don't prepare you for the psychological part... The wondering about what horrific thing you might see each time you go into the bathroom alone. I had a horrible (and unrealistic) fear that I would look down and see a perfect little baby about the size of a pinky fingernail... This is the part that the woman endures alone.. I mean it is not like you call your husband or your mother in to say "look at this... what is this???" You are just there... alone...seeing it and trying to take care of your body (that you now hate...) and trying to be OK with "flushing your baby"... for days... all by yourself.

Because of the little pink "Hope" Teddy Bear that I bought when things started going wrong I have always in my mind called this first little angel Hope.

The next day was Saturday and I was scheduled to drive home so I could rehearse with my students on Sunday afternoon... I couldn't cancel the rehearsal and I didn't really want to... Staying in Houston one more day would have just meant being alone because on Saturday and Sunday Mr. D. would be gone from 11AM to 11 PM doing two performances on those days.

The next morning we packed up the car and I sobbed as Mr. D. and I said goodbye. The cramps were actually worse that day and Mr. D. Tried to get me to stay... but the thought of being in that hotel alone all day... well... I just wanted to go home. Mr. D. would be coming home in 2 days (On Monday his only day off) to go to my doctor's appointment with me and then he would drive back to Houston for the final week of shows... In 8 days he would be back home for good... I knew I just had to get through the next 8 days.

The first 30 minutes of the drive was really hard... I just cried listening to every sad song on the radio that seemed to be playing back to back. After that I sort of fell into a rhythm and the drive was ok. My back was hurting pretty badly and I stopped about every hour and a half to walk Emmitt and go into the most sanitary restroom I could find (usually a Jack in the Box) to clean myself up and change my gigantic pad. I felt like I was never going to get home... it was the LONGEST 4 hour drive ever... but I was proud of myself for being able to do it and to stay strong... you see... normally I am not a "alone" type of person... but through this I just didn't have that choice.

It was so good to get home and see my cats and be in my own house. My mom wanted someone to stay with me... be cause I still had a fear of waking up in the morning and hemorrhaging and you know... dying alone on my bathroom floor... but by now... after the drive and the week I had... I was glad with being alone.

The next day I was still bleeding lot and cramping badly. I went to the rehearsal and my students could tell that something was wrong... I had been so upset the week before spring break and now... well... I looked like hell... I sat them down and told them (with basically no detail) what was going on. Some of the girls cried and the guys were are hugely supportive. Usually... as a teacher I do not share my private life but since I was missing so much school the week of their big theatre competition I wanted them to understand that I was in an emergency situation in case another teacher had to take over.

That night Mr. D. arrived home at 3:30 AM after performing 4 shows Saturday and Sunday and the driving the 4 hours home so he could go to the doctor with me. We got up at 8:00 AM to be at the doctors by 9:00... That visit was awful... I had to have an ultrasound while I was bleeding to make sure "things were progressing normally". Do you know that I still had this fantasy that they would see a tiny heartbeat hanging on and defying the odds?... they didn't. I cried those awful ultrasound table tears... the ones that flow out the sides of your eyes and into your ears... it was a silent cry because I wanted to badly to be strong.

The doctor said everything was happening natrually (thank goodness) and sent us back to the hospital so they could draw more blood... this was the 6th blood draw at the hospital since the first day I went to the ER. As we went through the admitting counter and were escorted to the place where they draw blood, I think it hit Mr. D. what I had actually been through... "You mean you had to come to the hospital each time, check yourself in, get to the 5th floor, and go for the blood draw.?.. all by yourself?... everytime???" "yeah" I told him... "I have been pretty independant..." He hugged me and told me he was sorry that I had to do all that alone... and he was proud of the way I had held it together.

He had to go back to Houston that afternoon... I had called in to work, but I wanted to go in after school for rehearsal and to catch up with my students. When I walked into my office they had decorated an entire wall, floor to ceiling, with get well and symphathy wishes... They said things like "We are so sorry for your loss" and "We hope that you feel better soon"... many of them had long personal messages that made me cry... One said "We love you!!! ~ from your "kids". After about a week I took them down... Now I wish that I had kept them or at least taken a picture of that wall of support that they gacve me... but at the time.. I just wanted to be "finished" with it.

I bled for 12 days... slowly my body began to feel "normal"... although my heart never did. Mr. D. came back home and we started trying to heal things together. I remember crying so much... every day and night... then every night... then every couple of nights... I remember trying to tell friends and family how I felt and yet feeling like they thought I should "be over it". Most people said all the wrong things and made me feel like my loss was miniscule in the big scheme of things. Mostly... no one seemed to understand and I began to shut myself off to people... trying to live in a protected cave with Mr. D. where I felt safe. It was beginning to be spring and I spent a lot of time crying laying on the hammock in my back yard... alone.

After 36 days I had my first period... a painful reminder of what the miscarriage looked like and felt like. I had a really hard time that week...

We decided to start trying again right away... We convinced ourselves that this miscarriage was a fluke... a bump in the road... and in less than 2 months after my miscarriage I took another pregnancy test... We had sex exactly one time between the miscarriage and that day... and I was pregnant.

We were so scared and so happy... I remember sitting at the kitchen table with Mr. D. and saying "Are you ready to try this again?" It felt so cautious this time... so hesitant...

But I don't think either of us honestly thought that this could happen to us again...

... and then... it did.

***It has taken me a week to write this story and I need to take a break from reliving it... I will tell My (second) Miscarriage Story soon... but right now... I just can't.

Also... I am off prometrium for the month... and have taken 4 pregnancy tests with BFN's. Today is cd31 and I am expecting AF anytime now.





10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry....

Thinking of you.

xxoo,
Emily

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That made me cry....I am sorry. I wish I could give you a hug and have some tea because that is what friends do.

alex infertile gourmet

4:56 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Jaime,

Thank you for sharing your story. There were a lot of things that you described, the way you felt, etc. that were very much how I felt. So sorry for all the BFNs . . . know I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Jen P said...

Jamie, thank you for posting this. I know how hard it can be to write a miscarriage story, but I think with every word written you regain some of that which was lost.

I hope you're doing ok and again, thank you for sharing this.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

Jamie,

I am so sorry that you had to go through that alone. I wish that I would have known you then and could have been there for you. Since, we can't go back, know that I am here for you NOW. If you need anything, let me know.

I know it is hard telling your story, but I hope and pray that it is bringing you some peace.

Love,
Chasity

4:32 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Oh, sweetie. What a sad, horrible thing, especially to experience mostly on your own.

I'm sorry, too, that this month was a bust. It just doesn't get any easier, does it?

Thinking of you...

6:48 AM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Jamie..Big hugs to and Mr D... I am glad you have had him in your life.. You were truly ment for each other as I am for my dh Steven... It is funny how you go through so much together and still remain strong where others fall to bits at the first sign of trouble or stress. Your always in my heart ....you were my inspiration from the very beginning when I first found the board 8 months ago, you have battled so many wars with me..We will win! ...and I am so glad that you never gave up on your dream.. You help me not to either.
I am back too, sorry..my computer died and I have been going insane worrying that everyone was worrying for the last few days. The PW board is playing up too, so I have not been able to respond to half the posts I wanted to! and with Af having arrived..Figures! Comes in 3's, no looks like 4's..Plus my e-mail is playing up and I can't recieve them either..
I hope to see you on the PW boards soon and thank you for caring and leaving a message in my blog, it means a lot to me Jamie.
Luv Lesley

10:33 PM  
Blogger Dear Diary said...

Jamie,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it must have been hard to write, and I'm so sorry you had to go through most of it alone. You are a very, very strong woman.

Thanks again for sharing what you went through -- sometimes it just helps to know that those of us who have been through the terrible experience of a m/c are not alone. Big, huge hugs to you!

5:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi my name is lindsey. i came across your story b/c i just had a miscarriage ( well actually i am in the process of it at this very moment) i didn't know what to expect so i googled miscarriage stories and came upon yours. i'm so overwhelmed with everything and your story let me know that i'm not the only one who's gone through it. i didn't know what to expect at all. about twenty minutes ago i passed the baby. and just like you i looked at it, and then just kind of freaked out about it. my pregnancy wasn't planned. i'm 17, my boyfriend and i had planned everything and i don't know why i'm telling you all this. i guess b/c no one really understands what i'm going through and i don't want to put them in a situation where they don't know what to say. i just wanted to let you know that this helped me a lot. if you would like to respond i'm linney_lou@hotmail.com. and good luck to you.

7:46 PM  
Blogger August said...

I am so sorry for your losses. It's been 9 months since my miscarriage and I'm still dealing with it, although I'm much better off than I used to be. Thank you very for sharing.

6:08 PM  

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