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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Tired of swimming...

Well... 6PM on CD 35 and still no AF.

I have been so down the past few days... especially with all the happy PW pregnancies and our 2 pg IPP. Don't get me wrong... I am so happy for everyone... and it is real honest happiness because I know how much these ladies deserve their babies. But lately I have just had the intense reminder that I am the only IPP that is not pg or who doesn't already have a child. It is just a fact. And I feel like it is never going to happen for me.

I feel like I drowning in all this TTC muck and mire... like I am struggling so hard and fighting so desperately to just breathe but each time I try I take in more and more muddy murky water. I am swimming so fast and so furiously that I have forgotten which way to go and I can't see the shore anywhere....

Mr. D and I have been talking and I think we are going to take a break from doctors and the TTC business for a while... I will use the fertility monitor (thanks Jenn) and we will have sex when and if we feel like it... I will continue on Met and will use my progesterone suppliments in the 2nd 1/2 of my cycle... but I am not going back to the doctor for a while (I may even find a new doctor since the insurance fiasco pissed me off so much) and I am not doing clomid anymore for a while.

This all started because I figure out that I will be out of town for a conference in New Mexico in July... right when I would need to be monitored and get the hcg shot an all that shit... so July is out. I also found out from a friend with the same insurance as me that if I did do injectables it would not cost $1000... but more like $3000... ($1000 to my doctor and the $2000 in prescriptions)

I had a meltdown in the therapists office and she gently suggested that it might be time to take back control and just give myself time to stop thinking about all this stuff so much. Especially since I will probably start looking for another doctor. She reminded me that 33 (and 8 months) is not "that" old... and at this point what is the real difference if I have a baby at 34 or 35 or 36? and that it is not giving up on my dream of having a baby if I just decide to back off for a while and not do such aggressive, expensive, and confusing treatments. If I decide to go back to clomid in a couple of months... I can. If I decide to do the laperoscopy in a couple of month... I can...

So I have decided to just float a while and try to take some deep breaths... It is either that... or drown.


Blogger Ally said...


I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I couldn't possibly understand the emptiness you must feel because I do have kids. I can only empathize and be there for you whenever you need it.

I think it's a good idea to take a step back and regroup. I had no choice but to do that and somehow it makes this hell a little easier to bear.

Remember, if you ever need to talk, I am always here to listen.

Love Ally

3:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, floating is a good thing. I have heard a lot of people day that it happens when they backed off of everything. So that is my prayer for you. Good luck!

4:41 PM  
Blogger Jess said...


Floating is living. It is what you did at the beginning of all of this, before all the desparation and depression. Before all the despair and sense of loss. Floating is not giving up, it is treading water for a little while to give your body and mind time to relax for that final push to the finish line. Whatever is across that line is what you are preparing yourself for right now. All hope is not lost. And maybe your therapist is your greatist tool in your ttc journey right now. Maybe she will be better than the Clomid and injectables and all the money that you would spend on them.

You have a right to own your feelings and the reason we have the IPP is to support each other no matter what. Even if we are having a bad day. Our friendship has survived the ugliest and nastiest trolls. The worst of the worst assvice, it will survive ttc too.

We are here for you!


email me, if you need me...

7:43 PM  
Blogger Erin said...


I'm sure this was not an easy choice, but it's great you are able to make one and not just get caught in the tide, so to speak.
As always, just checking in to see how you are doing.
It is all so confusing...and the insurance--so frustrating.
I'm glad you have such a wonderful husband who supports you through all of this.


6:27 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Hey Jamie,

I'm sorry to hear you're still in a funk. Your plan sounds like it makes sense, though.

Also, I've lost your email address. Would you mind emailing me?


8:12 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I'm sorry that you are so down right now Jamie. I wish that there were something I could do to help you.

I think you are making the right choice by stepping back.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk, you know where to find me. Take care of yourself.

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Enough Already said...

I think pulling back and reassessing the situation is a good idea at this point, especially since you are thinking of changing doctors. Also, I would have a frank discussion with your new doctor before pulling out the big guns. At $3,000 a pop for injectables and IUI, you could easily spend as much as you would on one IVF cycle, and have a lower chance of success.

According to one well respected RE here in St. Louis, using fertility drugs carries its own miscarriage risks. So at the age of 33, it is not at all unreasonable to keep trying on your own. Time has not run out for you by any stretch of the imagination.

I was put on Clomid after my miscarriages to "boost" my ovulation. In my experience, it was easier to get pregnant without clomid than with it.

9:43 AM  
Blogger PJ said...

You do whatever feels right for you. If you need a rest, take it. If you find that you're ready sooner than you think take that too.

Good luck to you on your resting. I hope it brings the peace you're looking for.

10:25 AM  
Anonymous alex said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling in the murky water now. This is so hard...I know. I am thinking of you often and hoping something good happens soon.

I know what you mean about being left behind. I started my blog a little more than a year and a half ago. Almost everyone who was in my infertile category has moved on with child or one on the way. Only a few of the original are left. You are right you have been there a long time. So listen go and relax and then get bumped out of my is time to move.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Jamie - I am sorry that you are feeling so down and it would be trite to say that I know it is going to happen for you - even if it is what I truly believe.

I would double check the price as well - it seems like a lot to be paying for an IUI - Like another poster had mentioned - you are getting up to the price of IVF and IUI only has a 20% chance of success (or something close to it).

I hope you start feeling better soon - please know that I am here if you want to talk.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Heather P. said...

I have been reading some of the comments and the ones about the cost of IVF. Well my IVF cost me $9000 without the cost of drugs. My iui cycles cost (this is with the labs were only $600. You may want to fly to London to get your meds. Have a mini vacation and pick the meds up they only cost 7 pounds there. about $14 us. Look on the internet I have found meds alot cheaper than that. If you want the name of the cheapest place let me know I have a pamplet on the cost of the drugs.

5:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Jamie....Take the time necessary to regroup....after 4 losses and the death of my father in December, I have take the past 6 months off and it's been great for me/us mentally, physically and psychologically! The thoughts of TTC never truly leave your mind/psyche, but it's good to give yourself a reprieve and to allow yourself to let it go for awhile. Best of luck to you, Tara

5:58 AM  

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