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Friday, August 19, 2005

The one where she feels sorry for herself...

I have decided to leave my dr. appt. on the 1st... mainly because I need some prescriptions refilled and I would rather not call and do that. Everyone has helped ease my fears (Of course it is your cervix that gets swabbed... not your uterus) I think it will be fine.

I am feeling very low about not getting pregnant again yet... I am surrounded my women getting their BFP's on the TTC Board on PW. In fact, I think there are officially more pregnant women there than women ttc and that it really hard. I am happy for all of them... but I am starting to think the PW page is not the place for me anymore... I do feel loved and supported by my pg friends and my IPP's... but I just feel so sad when I go there... So sad that they have to write things like "we know you will get pg soon Jamie" or "I think next month is your month"... It is so hopeful and so sweet... but I just feel so alien. Why me??? Why am I the woman who has been there the longest? Why am I the one that still doesn't have a baby? I never thought that other people getting their miracles would make me feel this way... It is such a horrible way to feel and I hate it. I know that I am in the wrong. That these women have done nothing be support me... but now I am feeling so.. well... alone. Like I have nothing in common with my support group now. Like everyone is in a different place than me... a place that is hopeful and exciting... but I am still in the trenches. At one time we were all in the same life boat and now... well... the rescue boat has come and I missed it.

Anyway, If you are pregnant and reading this... please don't be offended... many of my friends and IPP sisters are pregnant and I really do love you all and want to see you all with a beautiful baby in your arms... I pray for that. My online pg friends mean a lot to me... (Chas, Jenn, Jen, Liz, Heather, Heather M, Sara, Kath, Jenny, Kate, Jana, and our newest addition Ally!!!) I love all of you. I am just a little overwhelmed with our recent baby boom. And I am happy for you. I am just at the same time... really really unhappy for me. Does that make sense?

I guess this is just another selfish and bitter "feeling sorry for myself" post...
Thank you for listening... I just had to get this self pity out and that is why I started my blog in the first place.

14 Comments:

Blogger Em said...

Feeling some self pity is a coping mechanism. I feel sorry for myself every other day at the moment.

5:48 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

Don't feel bad Jamie, you have every right to feel sad. I hope I can still be here for you. As an IPP non-BFPer we will band together and be there when you make the most beautiful baby. I know you feel like you are out of options with your insurance, but I know there is an open door somewhere and I will do everything I can to help you find it!

6:04 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

All I can say is that I am sorry.

If you need to talk or there is anything I can do, remember that I am here for you.

Love ya and take care!

7:28 AM  
Anonymous Alex/Infertile Gourmet said...

Oh Jamie I know what you mean. The sadness is so thick it is hard to get that excited feeling for others. I just had a friend give birth and it is so hard to see her joy when I am so frustrated on my own journey. THinking of you....

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI Jamie . . . I have been reading your blog for a long time. You can never really tell anyone that you know exactly how they feel, but I know that I have come close. After 6 months of trying and a "gut" feeling, I learned that my husband and I were CF carriers, I had endometriosis with a little bit of PCOS, and I was on the brink on premature ovarian failure. I wasn't prepared to hear that news at 28. We missed our chance while we were trying to become secure for a baby. (I'm a teacher, too, and I found all of this out one week before our spring musical this year!) Anyway, here are my two pieces of advice . . . this is how I dug myself out of that desperate hole of despair. #1. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I don't know that reason, I might never know that reason, but there IS a reason. #2. When a door is shut, a window is opened. And that's the truth. You are just trying so hard to get out the door that you can't feel the breeze through the window . . . You hang in there, girl! You WILL get through this! (DH and I are in the process of bringing home a baby from Guatemala . . .hopefully by the spring :)

12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Sweetie...You have every right in the world to feel self pity and to be unhappy. I think you are above most people by actually being happy for those who have gotten their BFP's - I know I always felt pure jealousy...I was happy for BFP's, but gosh darn it, I wanted MY OWN! All the "Keep your chin up"'s and all the "Your time will come"'s in the world cannot make you feel better...but my God, when your day comes...and I pray it is soon, you will feel so blessed. You will feel you already have something on the preggies who post on PW "Oh, I was TTC for 2 months, I thought it would never happen"!!! You will KNOW what a blessing your BFP is....
Baby Dust, Love, happiness & Luck to you!

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are feeling like this, its me Ana your old Jan 05 member....I havent read your blog in a long time but I wanted to tell you I am sorry...though I cant tell you I know EXACTLY how you feel I can relate to you. I have been somewhat in your position not with fertility with other issues but feeling like you really want something and everyone who was your support system your rock has moved there and feeling like the last one...I understand...that.
I am so sorry you are feeling down, and I know you dont want to hear this and I shouldnt be saying this but the poster above me has a point. I believe everything happens for a reason. Its hard to accept lord knows I am still accepting why I havent moved on in my situation. But I have to try to figure out which window is open cuz I definitly feel the breeze. you seem like the day you get your baby, you are going to be an AWESOME mother...the day your baby comes its going to be the luckiest baby EVER to have two wonderful parents...especially you..you want this child so badly and you love it so desperatly. I am going to look forward to when you get this baby. Wether it be from you or adoption....I know you probably didnt like that, and I am sorry if I offended you..
Keep your head up things will get better even if they dont get better in this situation. You are strong woman and you are handeling this very well. I dont know how I would be...but I hope I would handle it like you have and I am sure I would also have down days so dont feel bad about those...

hugs to you

Ana
on PW Xavier makes 3 ~Ana~

1:28 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I'm sorry you are going through this...I know how difficult this journey is. Your feelings are normal and you have every reason to feel the way you do. I truly wish there was something I could do or say to make things better for you. Thinking of you and you are missed on the PW board.

7:04 PM  
Blogger Ally said...

Jamie,

Your post made me cry. I totally feel for you and understand the feelings you are dealing with. I wish there was something I could do for you. If you ever need me, call me...anytime!!!

Love ya

4:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I feel like this every day. And just like my so-called 'friends' tune me out and give me a dismissive wave and tell my I'm feeling sorry for myself, I have learned to tune them out. And the reason is I have learned from many years of experience now, that when so-called friend has some crises befall them (even though it's minor in my opinion) I seem to be the first one they run to for support and comfort and you know what? Their reactions are absolutely no different than things I have said or done, so I know this isn't feeling sorry for oneself, it's coping. The fact that you're getting up and doing something about it says a lot more. And you know what else? I make absolutely no apologies for feeling this way. None. It's a rough three years and there's no definitive end in sight, so I think I'm damn well entitled to how I feel.

That being said, I do so hope that your month is this month Jamie.

Emily

12:57 PM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Jamie, I tried to respond to your post yesterday but my computer has been playing up... Story of my life I reckon.. Anyway, I wish I had some magic words to say but I don't. I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I really hope this weekend is better than the last few days for you. Take care and know I think of you often and care about you.
Love and lots of hugs from me to you.
Lesley

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Ollie said...

Jamie, hon. I wish this wasn't your story. I understand the feeling--I just recently abandoned a message board where everyone was getting pregnant and here's me, three years later, still childless. I hope that your story changes for the better very soon.

5:32 AM  
Blogger Heather P. said...

Jamie,
I am sad to see you feel this way. I know how it is to feel like this. It isn't a good place to be. DH and I have tried for 12 years now. 2 losses. Infertility treatments. I have watched many friends become pregnant while DH and I sat on the outside looking in. I wish there was some magic that I knew of that could make you feel better but from experience there isn't any. I really do hope that you feel better soon and return to PW. I maybe one of the BFPers but I am still one that has been thru what you are going thru.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

Jamie
I have never read your blog before , but I could have written this one, it's how I am feeling with the board I am on, that I am the only one NOT Pregnant and most days it's killing me.
Hoping you feel better soon, thanks for putting words to what I was feeling.
and GOOD LUCK on the journey
Kirsten :)

12:04 PM  

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