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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Great Divide.

Christmas seems to be the great divide between women who are pregnant and people who are not. The "Pgs" are having the best and most grateful holiday season of their lives... there are epiphanies about the real meaning of Christmas and talk of seeing things though new eyes and a happiness that seems to be simply overwhelming. They are glowing... and they should be.

The Non-Pgs... well... uhm... that is another story.

We are hanging on by the skin of our teeth. At best we seem to be faking a jolliness and have adapted an "I'm OK... really..." type attitude. At worst... well, I am sure you have been reading the blogs. You know the sad defeated sting of getting you last BFN before the New Year or the freaked out panic of being in the 2WW feeling that this is the "last month ever" to get a BFP. Many of us have stopped hanging out on the boards... or have trouble finding anything to say in our blogs. I mean no one "wants" to be bitter and angry at the holidays... so I think many of us are doing what our mom's taught us this holiday season..."If we don't have anything nice to say..." you know the rest.

I am one who is pushing my way through the holidays. I am faking my way through... but in a different way.

I am blah.

I am having a really hard time caring about anything. I don't feel angry or depressed... but I am having trouble "wanting" to shop for other people... "wanting" to turn on my Christmas lights", "wanting" to do anything except sit on the sofa and veg out on non-Holiday related drivel. I have had moments of "Christmas"... but the business of work and the pure lack of energy just zaps the holidays from me.

I am blah.

I am on cd 28. I need to take a pg test. But I am scared... not really because I think I am pg. But because I don't want to be pushed out of blah and into full fledged BFN-I can't-take-the holidays-blues. Last year I got a BFN on Christmas day... (that is back when I was an idiot and thought I should wait to test until that "special day"...) Let's just say... not good. This year even if I have a long cycle AF should be here at least a few days before Christmas... so.. I am very thankful for that.

I may test on Saturday (cd 32)... I may not. I have to protect the blah-ness right now.

Also... In closing... I am really frustrated with my pregnant bloggers who quit posting after the baby comes. Yes... yes.. I know... I don't comment to much on pg blogs... (but I haven't been commenting on many blogs lately.) Yes... yes... I know you are overwhelmed because you are a new mom.. and I know that it is really hard... Yes... yes.. I know that you are all trying to forget that you were infertile and move on with your beautiful family... but I feel a little jipped. I mean I read your blog (I know... maybe I didn't comment) but I was there... lurking... and watching over you your entire pregnancy... and then you disappear just when it is getting good. This has happened with at least 7 blogs that I regularly read.

Please post.
Please let us know how you and the babies are doing.
Please... don't forget you were infertile once.

Merry - blah- Christmas.


Blogger Stephanie said...

i so get the blahness of it all. yesterday i FORCED myself to put on my christmas CD and wrap presents. This I needed a very full glass of wine to do. Last year this time I was preg...and yet still no baby.

by the way I have recently started my own recurrent MC/infertility blog and I read your blog daily! I can't wait to really join the community.

5:44 AM  
Anonymous Kimmy D said...

Dear Jamie Elise,

I am not a blogger and have never posted before, but I found your site and your post could have been written by me. It's EXACTLY how I've been feeling. I am usually really into Xmas, but this year, I couldn't care less. It is an effort to decorate the tree, to send cards, to shop for presents, and every day a new card arrives from a friend with a picture of their bouncing baby on the front...I make a conscious decision every day not to be bitter about it.

I seem to be on almost the exact same cycle as you as well. My plan is to test Dec. 21. That way I'll be "blah" all this week and on the weekend, when I need to still believe being pg is a possibility in order to be as cheery as I'm going to be this Xmas, and if it's the BFN again on the 21st, I'll have a few days to pull myself together before traveling to face the family for another festive Xmas filled with comments and questions from wannabe-grandparents and wish-I-could-be-a-great-grandma-before-I-die as to what the holdup is.

I guess the possibility is there that AF could show up before the 21st but if that happens let's just say I will be getting through the holidays with considerable support from my dear friend Veuve Cliquot.

Anyway thank you for blogging, for making me feel like I'm not alone in my blah-ness, and here's to both of us getting some good news in time for the holidays.

Kimmy D

6:29 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Jamie, I understand too well how you are feeling. I am feeling so negative and don't want to think about the holidays. Just like Kimmy said I could have written your post. This time of year just brings me so down and at times is a painful reminder of what's missing. It's unfortunate that we have to pretend and can't truly express how we feel. Hoping you will get a BFP very soon. Email me if you need/want to chat.


7:01 AM  
Anonymous Alisa said...

Last year, I also got a BFN on Christmas Day. We were staying at my husband's grandmother's house and I was 5 days late (as opposed to my usual on-timeness), and I felt like something was definitely up. I had to sneak out and buy a test while shopping with them at Wal-Mart. I thought it would be such a nice Christmas gift for my husband. It was negative. As as the one I took again 2 days later. When my period finally showed up, it was horribly painful and crampy (much more than usual). I still think that something had been up. Made for a lovely holiday season.

7:27 AM  
Anonymous statia said...

I'm kinda ambivalent about the holidays myself this year. I know exactly how you feel.

9:26 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

I know exactly how you feel Jamie. I can only hope 2006 brings us and all the ladies struggling with infertility a chance to bring a baby into this world.

Thinking of you.

Ally :)

10:03 AM  
Blogger zhl said...

Just found your blog, but yep, I know exactly how you feel. I just got the last BFN of this year. No miracle for me at Christmas. I've done shopping (mainly online) and put up a tree, but otherwise, I really couldn't care less.

10:44 AM  
Blogger steph said...

Just delurking here... i have a question for you... what if one or more of those bloggers with a baby did post again and wrote something like, "This is way more than I signed up for. Or "I am way more depressed than I ever was being infertile," or 'Where I am right now is much scarier than feeling blah"?? The postpartum rate among infertiles is much higher because the expectations are so much higher. Just because postpartum is a fancy word attached to those lucky pg-ers doesn't disguse the fact that it's DEPRESSION. i know i know i'm sure you think it wouldn't happen to you, just like your kid would never be the obnoxious one at the grocery store... Why not give yourself the holiday gift of letting go? the people who care about you would get the best gift you could ever give.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Julian's Mom said...

I know how you feel, but I am also one of those pg women you refer to. I think women who are subsequently pregnant after a loss may be the exception to your general theory of the great divide. I am 7 weeks pregnant, and in addition to being absolutely terrified, I am also grieving the loss of my son, who died shortly after he was born last year, 2 days before Christmas. Being pg does make getting through the holidays a *bit* easier, but I still have to get through the 1st anniversary of my son's birth and death next week. Trust me, there will be no Christmas in our household until we bring home a live, healthy baby. We aren't doing cards, gifts, or anything this year. I resent people for even asking me what I am doing for the holidays, as if there is anything to celebrate. Being pg doesn't really change any of that for me.

11:55 AM  
Blogger JJ said...

Everything... everything you said... it's me. The blah, especially.

2:16 PM  
Blogger kristin said...

hi - i'm new here, and i have no idea if i'm infertile or not; i just got married a year ago and have been longing for kids ever since (pathetic I know... but i found this blog searchin for just married wanting kids or something like that... so i relate very much to the jamie of the early blog entries)... long story very short, i dated my husband five years ago, we broke up for four years and then got married. i feel like i've known him forever and should be able to skip the first few "getting to know you" years before starting a family... i find myself "lurking" on many infertile sites - just to be around other people who have a longing unfulfilled regardind kids i suppose... but i digress... i know i'm inviting trouble to worry about infertility when we haven't even tried, but my mind keeps wondering about whether or not i'm waiting too long and if i could be as strong as you if i were in your shoes... i just finished reading your entire blog from start to finish and i am exhausted. i can only imagine how tired you must feel. i ended up reading it sort of like a book and i thought for sure by december 2005, i'd read some good news. my heart goes out to you and i hope that you get the good news you deserve very soon.
ps. i hope none of this is insensitive - i don't know much about infertility etiquette!

3:01 PM  
Anonymous Lala said...

What's even worse is being a pregnant infertile and no longer knowing what to say to people who have not yet come around the corner. I can't enjoy the spirit of the holidays either mostly due to stress and apprehension. I say we all avoid them together. I promise not to stop blogging come the safe arrival of a springtime child.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Lala said...

I take that back. It's not "even worse", it's just bad too.

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The first Christmas I 'pushed' through the pain; the second Christmas I 'put on' a fake happy face for others; this Christmas, I just flat out don't care.

Merry Blah Christmas to you.


5:10 PM  
Blogger sherry said...

No words of advice or comment of any kind.

Love you, Jamie. Really.

4:45 AM  
Blogger Jess said...


I feel you. I am gragging myself through this holiday season too. I wish we could be nearer to each other so we could share a bottle of wine, watch an old movie and forget about everything else. Take care. I will keep the witch at my house so she doesn't come visit you.


5:40 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

There is nothing I can say to make you feel better. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, and if you need anything, please let me know.

I will ALWAYS be here for ya!

Take care

8:14 AM  
Blogger tammy said...

Hi Jamie.
I remember you from Fertility Friend.. I am Mrs Weble. Hubby and I are still trucking. We just completed an IVF Cycle and out of 6 eggs retrieved none were any good and could not be fertilized. The clinic is concerned about my egg quality and I feel very let down. I love Christmas so I am lucky that I find some solace in the season. I am very sorry you are having such a hard time. Keep your chin up, your day will come.

9:13 AM  
Anonymous Menita said...

Xmas sucks for the infertile, no question about it. It is the hardest time, harder even than mother's day. It sucks, and I am very sorry.

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Susan Fitzgerald said...

I'm with ya, sister.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Eileithia said...

I agree with what pretty much everyone else has said. This time of the year is like my own personal hell. Like others, for the first few years of Infertility, I faked my way through the season. This year is the fifth holiday season that we've been barren, and I've completely given up. I don't bother to fake it, I just avoid everyone. Ugh. You are in my thoughts, Jamie Elise.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Jerseykids said...

we m/c'd on aug 25, 2005. we are currently in the 2ww on our 5th medicated IUI.

i really didn't want to decorate this year, but my husband convinced me to do so. we have a very close friend whose wife JUST told us that they are prt and are around the 4 month mark. they had been agonizing in finding a way to tell us. yes, the math is correct, she got prg around our loss.

so i totally sympathize and hear you on all things. i have recently added links to my blog in case our other friends come and read so that they can all realize our pain through others...


9:42 AM  
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1:43 AM  

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