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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

cd 12....

Countdown to Houston...
There are three more school days, three more sleeps, four more rehearsals, and a four hour drive between me and my husband. I just hope I can make it to spring break.

I am having a super hard time getting along with people right now. I feel like my students don't take responsibility, their parents enable them, my administration doesn't support me, and my co-worker is not pulling his weight. In looking at the situation.. I am lucid enough to realize that, as Dr. Phil might say, I am the common denominator in all these issues. So... that leads me to believe that I may indeed be the problem. Mr. D assures me that I am under a tremendous amount of stress and that the people around me really are not doing what they need to be doing... Which is making it harder for me. It all goes back to my work ethic and perfectionism issues. It is very hard for me when I am working until I feel like I will drop to understand why everyone around me is not doing the same. Why do things seem so much more important to me than they do to the people surrounding me. when we are all supposed to be working towards the same goal?

I do often feel like people see my assertiveness as being a bitch. And I also know that I come across as someone who has it all together... Who consistently keeps all the balls in the air... but what people don't realize is that I live in constant fear that I will drop the ball and that people will see me as incompetent. I constantly feel misunderstood... like people see me as a selfish person only worried about MY work or MY issues or MY problems... but I want to be able to be helpful and work collaboratively with others... but when you feel like you are already doing all you can... it makes you feel like "No one ever helps me so how can I take on one more thing to help you?"

I do not really feel like I am having anxiety... just stress... but I feel like I really could use some Paxil or BusPar right now to help take the edge off. I have been off Paxil for almost a year because of ttc... but I think that when I am going through an especially stressful period in my life I need it...

Mr. D. came home for 1 day on Monday and I took the day off to spend with him. I finally found the courage to bring up our ttc stuff and and I told him that I would like to open up our options to adoption. I don't know where to start or how to get into this process... But I feel like if I get to 35 without being pregnant that I feel it is time to look into another way to get pregnant. My mother maybe getting some inheritance money soon and what I would like to do is to try 2 IUI's and then start the adoption paperwork. Mr. D. was quiet and didn't say much about my thoughts... but at least I have opened up the dialogue... which for me was a very scary thing to do. We did decide to talk about it more at another time when we have more than 1 day together.

Today is cd 12 and I got my 3rd HIGH on the monitor. I am hoping to hold off ovulation for at least 2 more days to have any chance at ttc this month... Someone suggested that ibuprofen can help hold off ovulation so I am taking that. I will be in Houston in Saturday night... Let's just hope I don't PEAK tomorrow or Friday.

Gotta get dressed, clean the bathroom, and get my dog to the groomers all before heading to work.... yikes... I better run.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Denise said...

After having three miscarriages I opened up the idea of adoption to my husband, and he didn't say much, but then about 3 weeks later he brought up adoption in conversation, and suggested we start looking into options. Just give it a little bit of time.

6:04 AM  
Blogger goldmoon said...

Good luck on holding off ovulation, Jamie!!!

7:42 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Jamie,

We've just begun the adoption process so if you want to talk about it, feel free.

God bless on your discernment--its a huge thing.

7:59 AM  
Anonymous Erin said...

Hold off, O--
Good for you for opening the door with Mr. D. I hope you can come up with a plan you both want.

1:28 PM  
Blogger ecnalubma said...

I have just starting reading your blog, and want to wish you the best of luck.
Adoption can be a very difficult discussion, but it is also an option for you both.
If it is any consolation, my best friend, who is now 39, tried with her husband for 6 years to get pregnant with her husband. After then, they adopted. On their daughter's first birthday, they found out they were pregnant. Apparently having the baby around kicked her hormones into gear, and now they have 3 lovely children (and interestingly enough all look very similar, despite only 2 being related by blood)>
Hang in there.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Tracy said...

Hello,

I am delurking to say I know it must have been hard to open up the adoption option with your husband but I bet it will take some of the pressure off of you. My husband had a difficult time at first, but we brought our beautiful daughter home from China December 22, 2005. Although I know China adoption is not for everyone, I have a web site that you may look at if you would like to see what a beautiful well adjusted baby she is. She is the best thing that has ever happened to us (and my husband is totally in love with her...no regrets)

Tracy

please e-mail me at

michael.wehby@comcast.net

if you would like the password to the site (I almost posted it here, but then that kind of defeats the purpose of having it password protected:)

7:22 PM  
Blogger the waiting line said...

Wow - I never heard about the ibuprofen trick. Interesting.

Congratulations on introducing the adoption dialogue. That was a big step. (I've reached the exact same conclusion by the way about trying "something else" once I hit 35, and have A LOT of stress in my life. I can totally relate to what your saying.)

Here's to keeping "all the balls in the air"!

9:11 PM  
Blogger Feebee said...

My husband was VERY opposed to the idea of adoption when I first brought it up at the end of last year. I broached the subject again last month and sold it to him as something we may do in 5 years or so anyway, whether or not we have another child or not. He seemed to be more comfortable with that and is now considering it. I have to say that it has really taken the pressure off me this month and I'm more relaxed than I've been in ages.

Good luck with delaying O!

2:31 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Jamie - I am sorry that you are feeling so stressed lately, hopefully your trip to see your husband will take the edge off.

I know how difficult it was for you to open up the discussion regarding adoption. I hope you and Mr. D come to the best solution for you both.

Crossing my fingers that you are successful in holding off O.

Talk to you soon.

7:36 AM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Glad you & Mr D got to have a good talk. I hope that your week was not too stressful.
Loved the blankies you made for Jenn's bubbies.
Take care & be kind to yourself.
Hugs and luv
Lesley

12:08 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Jamie I'm glad you are opening up the adoption discussion. Re doing 2 IUIs first, I would seriously consider doing 1 IVF instead. IUIs really don't increase your chances that much, so if this is your last shot at ART, IVF is much more likely to do the job.

3:00 AM  

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