cd 12....

Countdown to Houston...
There are three more school days, three more sleeps, four more rehearsals, and a four hour drive between me and my husband. I just hope I can make it to spring break.

I am having a super hard time getting along with people right now. I feel like my students don't take responsibility, their parents enable them, my administration doesn't support me, and my co-worker is not pulling his weight. In looking at the situation.. I am lucid enough to realize that, as Dr. Phil might say, I am the common denominator in all these issues. So... that leads me to believe that I may indeed be the problem. Mr. D assures me that I am under a tremendous amount of stress and that the people around me really are not doing what they need to be doing... Which is making it harder for me. It all goes back to my work ethic and perfectionism issues. It is very hard for me when I am working until I feel like I will drop to understand why everyone around me is not doing the same. Why do things seem so much more important to me than they do to the people surrounding me. when we are all supposed to be working towards the same goal?

I do often feel like people see my assertiveness as being a bitch. And I also know that I come across as someone who has it all together... Who consistently keeps all the balls in the air... but what people don't realize is that I live in constant fear that I will drop the ball and that people will see me as incompetent. I constantly feel misunderstood... like people see me as a selfish person only worried about MY work or MY issues or MY problems... but I want to be able to be helpful and work collaboratively with others... but when you feel like you are already doing all you can... it makes you feel like "No one ever helps me so how can I take on one more thing to help you?"

I do not really feel like I am having anxiety... just stress... but I feel like I really could use some Paxil or BusPar right now to help take the edge off. I have been off Paxil for almost a year because of ttc... but I think that when I am going through an especially stressful period in my life I need it...

Mr. D. came home for 1 day on Monday and I took the day off to spend with him. I finally found the courage to bring up our ttc stuff and and I told him that I would like to open up our options to adoption. I don't know where to start or how to get into this process... But I feel like if I get to 35 without being pregnant that I feel it is time to look into another way to get pregnant. My mother maybe getting some inheritance money soon and what I would like to do is to try 2 IUI's and then start the adoption paperwork. Mr. D. was quiet and didn't say much about my thoughts... but at least I have opened up the dialogue... which for me was a very scary thing to do. We did decide to talk about it more at another time when we have more than 1 day together.

Today is cd 12 and I got my 3rd HIGH on the monitor. I am hoping to hold off ovulation for at least 2 more days to have any chance at ttc this month... Someone suggested that ibuprofen can help hold off ovulation so I am taking that. I will be in Houston in Saturday night... Let's just hope I don't PEAK tomorrow or Friday.

Gotta get dressed, clean the bathroom, and get my dog to the groomers all before heading to work.... yikes... I better run.