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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

30 days and counting....dream update at the bottom

Cd 30...
I have no more symptoms... PELVIC TWINGES - gone... BOOBS - normal... PEE- normal... DISPOSITION - bitchy (aka normal)... HOPE - waning.

Have I told you that I have quit pregnancy tests? Well I think I have. I hate them and I never plan to see another single line on one of those muther-effers again. So... my main problem with striking against pregnancy tests is that I have no clue when to stop the progesterone supplements. The past few months I have just been using them until I start AF. It does make my cycle longer but I don't know what else to do considering my strike on pregnancy tests.

My longest cycle ever was 36 days. I think if I ever go past a 45 day cycle I will call my doctor and get a blood test... but that is a problem too... because I am also on strike against nurses who call 5 minutes before they leave for the day and leave you a message to call back tomorrow forgetting to leave you the only news you actually NEED to know... only to find out the next day (after you stayed awake all flipping night wondering) that your hcg is <2.

I also may be on strike against hcg numbers in general. These numbers have only brought me heartache in the past and I don't know if I ever want to know that they are "non-doubling" again. I mean... what bother knowing? If you are going to m/c it is going to happen whether you know the numbers or not. I guess I will wait until I am pregnant again to decide this one... but since it has been almost 2 years since my last m/c... blah blah blah...

I am so frustrated... I am tired of my own story.

Update... My Recurring Dream...
After writing this entry I went to bed and had a dream that I now realize is a recurring dream that I often have. I go to my favorite clothing store to shop and the doors are unlocked but the store has no customers and the lights are all off. There are so many beautiful outfits all around. I see a salesgirl and ask what is going on. She tells me that they are not open today because they have no bags to put the clothes in. I go behind the counter and there are tons of bags... but they have the wrong store name on them and the salesgirl explains again that they can not sell any clothes because they can't put them in the wrong bag.

hmm...
Store is open but they can't sell the product...
Beautiful product all around... but none for me...
Nothing to carry the product in...
The bags are wrong they have won't work to carry the product...


Add to that that I have read the dream analysis theory that your dreams are all about you and not really about other people and that all the people or objects in the dream represent parts of you...

~Am I Jamie in the dream... confused and frustrated that I can't have what I want?
~Am I the salesgirl... negative and sure that it is impossible to sell the clothes unless we have the "right" bag to carry them in? ~Am I the "wrong" bag? I look fine on the outside but there is something "wrong" with me and I can't carry the product? My guess is that I am all of the above...

5 Comments:

Blogger Bugsy said...

You sound like me - just plain tired of this whole business. Why can't we just have "accidents" like everyone else seems to be able to do???? so frustrating.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Jamie,

I think you are doing the right thing. I quit pregnancy tests and progesterone supplementation and plan on not going to see a doctor until I have missed two cycles.

I have had four chemical pregnancies so early tests are meaningless for me at this point.

Some people have emailed me email spankings for taking this course of action--warning me against further miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies.

But the fact is, with early pregnancy problems there is very little doctors can or should do.

There is absolutely ZERO evidence that progesterone supplementation does anything for anybody.

Congrats on giving up the pee sticks.

Accidents mean giving up some vigilance, letting go, and trusting.

Good luck--I keep you in my prayers.

6:34 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

Jamie,

I think you are doing the right thing too. And I don't think that there is one "right thing" to do. It's just whatever keeps you the most sane at the end of the day. I love you and I am here for you, and I think that your dream says a lot about how you are feeling. Hang in there, you have a plethera of people out here rooting for you.

Jess

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

I am not tired of your story, and am still pulling for you and Mr. D.
Good for you for being able stop with the pee sticks. If not for any other reason, it'll save you some money. Sometimes it seems like that negative test is just more of a slap in the face than anything else.
Take care.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that I'm lining somebody's fertile pockets by buying these pee sticks. I mean, I want to buy those Dollar Store ones, but I never really shop there, and I'm more likely to be at Wal-Mart, so I buy those. I enjoy your story and I enjoy your resolve. I will also give up the pee sticks. I'm not going to POAS unless late. Seeing BFN's f'ing sucks!

8:18 PM  

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