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Thursday, September 28, 2006

Party... cancelled.

I had really upsetting news today at the doctor. I went in thinking that I would be starting my big clomid challenge but that is not the case...

I have a really big cyst. It is 60mm (that is 2.36 inches or about the size of a plum... or to be incredibly depressing.... about the size of an 11w 3d old fetus). This monster cyst has developed sometime since my last u/s in mid-July. I only saw the nurse this morning so I had to wait all day for the nurse to call me back after she showed the doctor my films.

This is what we know so far...

1. They could not believe I wasn't having pain from this.
2.The cyst seems "clear" indicating a "non-suspicious" fluid filled monster cyst.
3. Although metformin treats polycystic ovaries.. this is a different type of cyst.. probably a follicle gone crazy (from clomid???) that never released an egg... this is different from the small clusters of cysts that I have had before.
4. The cyst does not seem to be an "urgent care" issue right now... we will be watching it closely.
5. That I seem to have the worst g-damn luck in the world.

1. I have to start birth control pills on Sunday (sob!)
2. I will see the doctor again next Friday to see if there has been any change in size or shape... she said sometimes they shrink significantly when you are on your period.
3. If there is no strinkage or growth I will continue on bc pills for "a couple of months" to give the cyst a chance to go away.
4. If it doesn't go away on its own then we will "go in and drain the cyst and remove it."

Fuck... fuckity... fuck fuck fuck!

I guess I will be spending the last month of my 34th year on bc pills and that the chances of getting pg anytime the rest of 2006 is pretty much "unlikely."

I am heartbroken, pissed, scared, bitter, and numb.

Can I just feel sorry for myself for a minute and stomp my feet and cry and say... "IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!!! IT JUST ISN'T FAIR! WHY??? WHY??? WHAT DID DO TO PISS GOD OFF THIS MUCH??? " I promise that I will remember to be thankful for all the wonderful things that I do have tomorrow... I'll make a list. I really do appreciate my amazing husband, my family, my beautiful home, my friends... I am grateful. I know that I have more than many people on this planet and that I need to count my blessings. I get it. But tonight can I please just... cry?

After a weepy day at work, Mr. D. took me to dinner tonight and then we splurged for an ice cream cone... after dinner we decided to name the cyst "Oliver Cyst". Oh, by the way massive monster ovarian cysts can cause weight gain so that explains the past 2 months and the extra 5 pounds. (yes I do realize ice cream cones also could cause a little weight gain too... do you have to kick a girl when she is down??? Sheez.)

Oh.. and just in case you are tempted do not google "large ovarian cyst" and for God's sake do not click "images".

Trust me.

Do. Not. Google.

I am really trying to deal with this... please help me.
I need my girls right now.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know this comment isnt going to help any. But I just wanted you to know how sorry I am to hear this. And yes, you have every right in the world to cry.


7:01 PM  
Blogger Ollie said...

Oh honey!! That is just plain ROTTEN!! That certainly explains why your period took so long to get here, but that doesn't make any of this suck any less. Dammit, this is such a bunch of bullsht!

I"m keeping some kind of kooky voodoo vigil that next Friday delivers some really fantastic news to combat this craptastic news.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous DebbieS said...

You've got us...anything I can do? I have access to really great chocolate!

Hang in there!

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have PCOS and I had a cyst the size of a grapefruit last September. The doc and I didn't know--he just found it during an exploratory lap.

Clomid is awful and may have been what caused my cyst too! I was so very sick with migraines and general yuckiness.

Please, please, please see an RE if you aren't already. We had given up after 2.5 years and were adopting from China (already had the home study done and approval from Immigration) when I found out I was pregnant at 39. The RE made all the difference in the world for us.

The RE bumped up the metformin and made me eat low carbs, put me on letrozole (not nearly as bad as Clomid) and an HCG shot instead. We also found out my progesterone was too low. Now I'm 24 weeks.

All my best to you. I know how it is to try for what feels like forever. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and saying a little prayer for you.


4:30 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

Hi Jamie,

Did you talk to the doctor about not going the bc route and just having it drained outright? You should consider it since being on the bc pills could take months and it's not a guarantee. If you can remember back when I had my cyst, the removal really wasn't that bad at all.

Something to consider. Let's talk soon.

Love Ally

4:55 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

Oh Jamie NO!!! I read this and got tears in my eyes for you. I have had cycles cancelled because of cysts so I know the hopelessness that comes along with it.
I have no good advice, but I do have internet HUGS and I'm sending a couple to you. Hang in there , (of course you can cry, in fact you SHOULD) and know that we are all here if you need us.

5:12 AM  
Blogger Krista said...

Oh Jamie

Such terrible news. Of course you have every right to rant and rave and not think of anything else todya (although you did not, you made your list of grateful things anyway).

And it is not the ice-cream causing that weight gain. A little ice cream does not cause you to gain 5 pounds in 2 months. It is the cyst, blame it on the cyst.

I hope it is significantly smaller on Friday.

5:30 AM  
Blogger DD said...

How effin frustrating! It's too bad they couldn't have taken a look to make sure everything was OK when you called to let them know your period still hadn't showed all those many days ago! I am so sorry your body seems to be against you right now.

5:47 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

You poor thing...

I wish I could be there to comfort you...

I think Ally's idea may be a good one. If you could avoid bc altogether, it would be a good thing. Let me know if I can do anything!

Love ya,

6:05 AM  
Blogger kristin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:31 AM  
Blogger kristin said...

i am so sorry... *hug*

6:32 AM  
Blogger Beret said...

I can't believe this. I am so sorry Jamie. Get pissed and blow off steam. Don't worry about being grateful today. You're right, it's not fair at all.

Still cheering you on...

8:52 AM  
Blogger Hoping said...

I agree with Ally, it just seems that waiting for something that might help is silly and your sense of urgency to get it removed should be validated.

You can have all the things in the world like a house and a great family but you are allowed to cry and bitch every once in a while, you are entitled.

Take care and keep us updated.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Hey there,
I know all about those monster cysts. I had one that was 11 cm on one ovary and one that was nearly 8 cm on the the same time. No fun at all, and mine did have to be removed but only b/c they were endometriomas. The BCP's will hopefully do the trick for you but I know how bad it sucks to have to go back on those things.
And, yes, you most definitely have the right to be pissed...but be sure to jump back on the horse because it WILL happen. I saw get more ice cream; that always helps me!!!

9:03 AM  
Anonymous Erin said...

you are entitled to be upset..I'm so sorry!! big hugs! Erin

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Lynn said...

I'm so sorry! This just isn't fair.

This is total assvice but if it were me I would consider fast-forwarding to drainage because months on BCP do not necessarily shrink cysts and you are eager to be trying again. I had a small one that hung out for a year while I was on BCPs.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I AM SO SORRY!!!! You should stomp your feet, yell , shout, and break things!!! Get some old coffee mugs at AmVets and go somewhere and Just SMASH ALL OF THEM!!! You poor thing, did the dr say anything about the future? Good luck you are always in my thoughts.
- Natalie

10:57 AM  
Blogger Feebee said...

I'm so sorry. If it was me I would try and go straight to drainage, especially if the BCPs don't give any guarantee.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Sami said...

well hell... that stinks. I'm sorry to hear of the cyst. I'd vote to get that bugger the heck out of there. Definitely explains why the period took so long to show up.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry! That really, truly sucks. I haven't posted before, but I have been reading awhile and hoping for you.

3:45 PM  
Blogger PCOSMama said...

That totally sucks! I am so sorry this happened! I've been reading your blog for a few weeks and just had to comment on this one. Eat all the icecream, chocolate, etc you want - you deserve it! Oh, and whine, I mean wine! You have earned the right!

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Catherine said...

Jamie, I am so, so SORRY!!! I've had my own bad luck yesterday - another IUI canceled b/c my PCOS ovaries went crazy with Follistim. And I can GUARANTEE I'll be spending some time on BCPs b/c my ovaries don't take overstimulation lightly and leave me with tons of cysts. Anyway, not to drone on about myself, but I threw a major hissy fit when I got to my car after my appt - banging on steering wheel, sobbing, screaming - you know it. So throw the Its Not Fair party - you have every right to it. I'm so very sorry you got this bad news after your massive wait this summer.

5:13 AM  
Blogger Heather W. said...

This has got to be a joke, right? I really wish you would say it was :o(. Geesh, that just totally SUCKS! I think you deserve to cry! It isn't fair, and I can't begin to imagine how you feel!! So... stomp, cry, get a punching bag, scream, eat, whatever it takes hun to feel any tiny bit of comfort and control.

You posted this on Thursday, so maybe you are feeling better today, I hope.

5:42 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Man that sucks! I had a 30 mm cyst once (about half your size) and it went away so fast after getting my period. I was really surprised. So I'll be criss crossing everything that this oliver cyst goes away super fast. Girl, you just can't get a break these days!

7:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry. Yes, you can cry, and eat ice cream, and feel sorry for yourself. It isn't fair, and you're allowed to grieve this temporary loss of what you were hoping for before getting back up on the horse to chase after it some more.

5:40 PM  
Anonymous Sara said...

So sorry, Jaime. All I can think of to say is that I have been there. Seriously. I had a monster cyst once that actually pressed on my bladder and made me think I had a bladder infection, which I did not. The pill cleared it up.

Feel better, dear.

7:24 PM  
Anonymous Julie, Baltimore said...


this is a bad new and a good news at the same time. It is clear why it is bad- and I am sorry you have to deal with it. BUT- the good news is you HAVE A VALID EXPLANATION to waht was going on lately- no AF etc. It means once you deal with the cyst and it is gone you are back to normal TTC. I think there are should be a certain comforat in knowing WHAT caused the problem.
Be mad- you have every right too, but please see bright side to it.
Hopefully it will all get better soon.

Best wishes.


11:14 AM  

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