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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Still here....

I'm still here.

I just don't have much to say anymore about my infertility.

I check the blogs daily... but I don't respond.

I still go to all my pregnancy related sites each morning... but mostly out of habit.

I try and try to think of interesting things to post about... but I got nothing.

Is it possible to be tired of yourself?

I don't regret (at all) not doing treatments since Christmas... but stopping all that stuff and not having 5-8 dr. visits a month really limits what I have to say about ttc.

I am feeling a little depressed... my students competed well at competition but were beat out by two (horrible) plays due to a completely (incompetent) last minute judge who knew very little (nothing) about theatre... so that is hard for everyone. Hours and hours and HOURS of work down the drain. Sucks.

I have more free time now. I am trying to go to the gym... do yoga and eat better. I am drinking the famous kombucha ... I am trying to like it... it is like some miracle potion but GAH... it is gross... it tastes like drinking Easter egg dye... like a big gulp of apple cider vinegar. I keep thinking that I might get used to it... all the celebrities are drinking it... but GROSS....

I have a wedding to attend this weekend... my new teaching partner is getting married for the first time at 35... I am happy for her... but all I secretly keep thinking that she will probably be pregnant by fall... and then I will have to deal with that everyday. Way to think positive huh? Way to be a nice person... Way to not be completely selfish and self absorbed...

Did anyone see the preacher on Oprah with the "complaint free" bracelets? I just wondered what the infertile world though of this. Me... I thought is was a great idea. But one that I could never do. And I imagine a "complaint free" world with a bunch of angry people with ulcers who never let out their feelings... Isn't being uncomfortable (complaining) what brings around change in the world? I guarantee my insurance will never cover infertility benefits if people don't ban together and complain until that change is made... Maybe I am missing the point. Maybe he mean what I call "constant low grade complaining" to my students... basically whining about stupid things... but I think this guy found an awesome gimmick... great publicity for his church... and if it really makes those people happier... then who cares about a few ulcers. I just know that I would be switching my bracelet... uhm... a lot.

Time to get to work... I will try to post more often.
Don't give up on me.


Blogger Piccinigirl said...

so glad to see you back. Hey I know about having "nothin" and I am starting IVF in a couple weeks. I just don't think I write anything compelling. *sigh*

I am sorry about your students and the competition. It stinks when you work so hard and it's one icky person that messes it up. *hugs*

I didn't see that Oprah, but I will have to go to my TIVO if I got it..but really COMPLAINT FREE, are they kidding? I mean half the stuff that gets me past all the ickiness of IF is the complaining. HA.

I'm not giving up on you!!!! Hang in there :)

5:41 AM  
Blogger Hoping said...

Sorry about that asshole judge, I bet the kids were really disappointed.....I hope you stick around and blog.

I think what the preacher was trying to get at is to think of the good things we have in life when we start to complain. Or rather than complain, make a change in your life...something like that.

I do not think it pertains to medical issues you cannot solve or help on your own, I do think he was talking about what you call "low grade complaining"

6:08 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I am glad that you posted. I was worried about you.

Sorry about the competition. I hope that the students didn't take it too hard.

Well...I'm not giving up on you. Even if you feel you don't have anything to post about, just let us know that you are OK!

Take care and I hope to talk to you soon.

6:19 AM  
Blogger LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Haven't given up on you. I was hoping that the competition went incredibly well in order to help you to feel like your efforts paid off. Ugh. Talk about lots of disappointment in a short amount of time!

I think that complaining is part of life. Whining may be something worth giving up but expressing negative feelings about situations? Vital to maintaining sanity and overall health! Sounds like that guy is just looking to build a new steeple on his church...

7:11 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

We won't give up on you -- just don't give up on yourself.

8:34 AM  
Blogger Inconceivable said...

WOW, that cultured picture of that tea looks ..... undesirable... more poweer to ya. Glad you are back, sorry the competition went so poorly. I'm glad to see a post from you.

Here's to not giving up!

8:58 AM  
Anonymous Celeste said...

I look forward to reading your blog and would miss you greatly. I hope you will keep on keeping on.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Jason and Samantha said...

I'm with you on the whole no complaint thing.. Nothing ever would change if no one complained.

*hugs and prayers*

4:47 PM  
Anonymous Angelina said...

You're back! I missed you. You're my "check the blog everyday."

Yes, it's possible that your teacher friend will be pregnant post wedding. But you know, your happiness for her does not detract from your own personal unhappiness. Sometimes, I find it rather refreshing to be happy for a change, even if it's not me.

Since your previous post, I found out I was pregnant, and then lost it. So I am comflummuxed whether to be happy (I am able to get pregnant) or sad (I lost it again) or really depressed (this is the 4th loss). So when I see a healthy pregnancy, I can genuinely be happy for the person. . . until they rub it in my face about how easy it was. . . :-P

5:36 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

So funny that I was getting caught up on you and Oprah at the same time.

As for the complaining thing I think they explained it a bit simplistically. I do think we should be more mindful but not complain???? I'm still ticked about the whole Secret thing on Oprah as well. If only it were that easy. It does such a disservice to anyone with medical issues, like cancer or IF or whatever. Believe me, I've imagined having a child for a loooong time. Hasn't worked.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Stupid Fucking Judges.

Stupid guy on Oprah! Complaint free is a crock!!!!

I am sorry you are in a funk right now - hopefully we will all get to chat soon.

Take Care Jaime

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would never give up on this blog...ever. You will have your baby one day. I know you will.

11:44 AM  
Anonymous June said...

I might need a pregnancy/infertility blog bracelet, because I need to stop reading these things, it burns up a good chunk of my morning, and doesn't make me any closer to pregnant. I guess that's a back-handed compliment, I wouldn't be here if it weren't so gosh-darn interesting.
I also understand the depression and getting tired of waiting and the disappointment of failed fertility treatments. My husband and I are waiting until the end of the year to start anymore fertility treatments, so I'm diving head-first into a triathlon training program that will see me through to September, if yoga does it for you, I totally get it. We need the distraction!
I think Oprah is running a cult, and I've been sucked into it a few times myself. Living in South Florida, I deal with bad drivers, terrible customer service and little pirate scams on a daily basis, I refuse to wear a bracelet that makes me complacent with any of that!!! I would however like to distribute the bracelets to the parents of the children who drop their children off at our church nursery. Or maybe I will hang a sign out at the front door that says, "don't complain about your children to the barren lady inside".
Hope to burn up many more of my working hours reading your blog. Take care.

6:59 AM  

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