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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Remember When?

Remember When...
My Ode to 4+ years of Infertility.

Remember when you though people who couldn't have babies were sad, old, bitter women who probably really didn't want kids...

Remember when you sighed in relief to find out that you weren't pregnant?

Remember all the sex you didn't have because accidentally getting pregnant was the biggest fear you had?

Remember when the thing you worried most about pregnancy was getting fat?

Remember when you REALLY wanted a girl... but weren't so sure about a boy?

Remember when the condom broke and you went to Planned Parenthood for a triple dose of bc pills because no way could you get pregnant with that guy!

Remember when you judged women in their 20's who had babies for having kids to soon and blowing off their education?

Remember all the thought you put into to which month you would begin trying to get pregnant so it would perfectly compliment your work schedule, or a vacation, or swimsuit season?

Remember being totally freaked out the first time you had sex without birth control because you we so sure you would immediately fall pregnant.

Remember the list of baby names you used to keep in a drawer?

Remember when you actually said to an infertile "why don't you just adopt?"

Remember when you could walk by a chic maternity store and not even notice it?

Remember when you has sex because you wanted to?

Remember having an extensive exam at age 29 including an hsg and being told "all clear" looks great!

Remember when you thought getting pregnant = having a baby.

Remember when they told you that bleeding is normal in early pregnancy... and you believed them?

Remember when a miscarriage was something that happened to women in romance novels and tv movies of the week?

Remember crying outside in the hammock so that your husband wouldn't see you crying... again.

Remember when you felt joy at 2 pink lines and not fear?

Remember when you bought maternity clothes at 3 weeks pregnant?

Remember when you thought that a zygote was not "really" a baby?

Remember when you didn't know at exactly what day there is supposed to be a beating heart?

Remember when your divorce was the worst thing that you had ever been through?

Remember when you didn't feel like you were "infertile"... that you just had a little bad luck?

Remember opk's?

Remember the first baby shower you didn't go to?

Remember when you first joined a board for support?

Remember when you though it was impossible for you to have 2 miscarriages?

Remember posting "I'm pregnant and thing aren't looking good.."

Remember the vacation that you spent waiting to miscarry?

Remember when you saw pink on the tissue paper and this time knew exactly what that meant?

Remember taking hpt's to watch the 2nd pink line fade away?

Remember packing up the pregnancy magazines and books... for the 2nd time?

Remember when you were the only non-pregnant woman left on the board?

Remember when every month you thought you were pregnant and having symptoms?

Remember temping?????

Remember starting to blog just to get it out... and secretly feeling that this wasn't an infertility blog... it was the beginning of a baby book?

Remember taking 6 or 7 pregnancy tests in a week... waiting for 2 lines?

Remember when more experienced infertiles told you to get off the boards?

Remember when all you thought you needed was a good $200 fertility monitor and a kind (pregnant) friend sent you hers?

Remember when everyone around you would ask "Hey... when are you gonna have kids?"

Remember when someone said to you for the first time "Just relax".

Remember when you didn't automatically remove your pants upon entering a doctors office?

Remember when you didn't know that insurance in Texas sucks and most (including yours) offers no help with infertility?

Remember when all you thought you needed was a vacation?

Remember when you changed your blog because all the bloggers (except you) were now pregnant or moms?

Remember when you first said the word "adoption" out loud?

Remember when you didn't even notice pregnant women or new moms?

Remember when the words "I'm pregnant" from a co-worker or friend didn't send you into a tailspin?

Remember when you were all in the same boat and now you are still in the boat and they are planning birthday parties?

Remember when you thought that clomid was a miracle drug?

Remember when you though doctors knew what they were talking about?

Remember when someone told you to "just adopt"?

Remember feeling like women who were "taking a break" were really giving up?

Remember when you stopped taking pregnancy tests?

Remember when someone told you to "just relax" and you went off on them for 45 minutes about the insensitivity of their assvice?

Remember when you actually used the sticky icky yellow progesterone supplements instead of just letting them rot in the drawer...

Remember when you used to ask your husband "does this top make me look fat?" instead of "Does this top make me look pregnant?... because someone asking if you are finally pregnant when you are infertile is the worst... and basically it still means you look fat.

Remember being angry at your prenatal vitamins and breaking up with them?

Remember when you allowed yourself to feel hopeful?

Remember when everyone you know didn't know you as infertile?

Remember when people didn't walk on eggshells around you and whisper things like "any news"? and "how arrrrre you" while glancing at your empty belly ?"

Remember when you made a plan?

Remember when you made plan B and plan C?

Remember when you ran out of plans?

Remember when you cared?

Remember when you felt the sting and not just numb?

Remember when you were just Jamie and not infertile?


Blogger Jenna said...

I just wanted to say that I am still not pregnant either and I don't have children. So I guess not everyone in this has their happy ending.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Oh, Jamie, this just sucks. Not exactly the kind of anniversary you celebrate, is it?

I don't know if it helps at all, but you remain in my thoughts and in my prayers that someday soon you will be a mom. I know you will be such a great one, and I can't wait for you to know that joy and get out of the IF hell.

If there's anything at all I can do to help, please, please let me know.

11:44 AM  
Anonymous Tracy said...

I am so sorry to ask you this in your comment section, but I can't find an e-mail link. Can I please have the name or web page from the company you bought your stone for Emmitt from, we had to put our dog to sleep today and I thought of your picture immediately.

I am so sorry to post this on your site, especially on the thread I did....I know there is nothing anyone can say to ease the pain of infertility so I won't even try. Just know a lot of us do get something from your site and I check back often for updates.


12:59 PM  
Anonymous A Jamie Supporter said...

I feel for you, I really do. I've noticed that your posts have gotten more and more depressive. And I know that's what you're feeling...I also know that it can't be healthy to feel that way for so long. I truly hope that you're seeking counseling. You have so much to give a child and I'd hate to see you tear yourself down to nothing. Do NOT give up. I believe in you.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Feebee said...

I'm so sorry.

I am still not pregnant either. Well, I have managed it a few times but no baby yet. People always say "It will all be worth it in the end", but as Jenna says, not everyone has a happy ending. I'm still hoping for you.

1:59 PM  
Anonymous jv said...

Sigh, I remember so many of these things. Your post moved me. I just keep hoping that somehow in the end it'll work out, but hope is bittersweet. I hope for you too.

3:02 PM  
Blogger millie said...

Is there a prize for the most 'yes' votes? If so, I'd like to toss my hat into the ring.

I wish you didn't have so much to remember. I hope there are new questions and memories soon.

Thinking of you.

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Ollie said...

I'm sorry honey. This sucks so much.

3:58 PM  
Blogger mommy2miracles said...

i'm so sorry this has to suck so much. i'm sorry...

7:11 PM  
Blogger Char said...

Dear Jamie
I have read your blog for the past six months or so - ever since I first stumbled upon it, I make a point of looking every day to see if you've posted anything new. How heart-rending it's been to walk this road with you, albeit it as a silent partner. As one fellow infertile to another, I wish happiness for the both of us. I so understand what you are experiencing. I too have struggled with those same things. Do still. What a pity infertility didn't have an expiry date. Unfortunately for us, this is the pace of our existence. I am trying to redefine myself right now. I even changed the name of my blog from Scrambled Eggs and Inconceivable Misconceptions to just plain Char's Chit-Chat in the hopes of escaping the label I pasted on my forehead. But waking up one morning, once every month, to the blasted BFN still renders me heartbroken. Please know there are bunches of us out here, in cyber space, hoping along with you. Hoping that one day, your blog will have photos of you holding a precious baby, all your own.

12:23 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

This is an amazing post. It brings so many memories, fears and thoughts to my mind.

And I can even say that the last one fits too-- as I'm also a Jamie.

Hang in there.

2:42 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I know that hearing or seeing "I'm sorry" doesn't really help.

I don't know what to say other than I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you.

I miss ya!!!!

5:01 AM  
Blogger Inconceivable said...

Thank you for sharing your deepest darkest feelings with all of us that read your blog. I pray that this amount of vulerability will suprise you with a warm ray of mental freedom. Continue the search for Jaime .... blessings, Farah

7:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not that it helps you (much?), but I really, really, really understand. My heart goes out to all of us who wish we had children, but don't, for whatever reasons. This is a hard journey, and solidarity only goes so far. Ultimately I think every infertile woman finds her way somewhat alone. But that said, I hear you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, and I am still hoping it ends positively for everyone.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Heather W. said...

You're in my prayers hun. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be. ((HUGS))

11:32 AM  
Anonymous jeanie said...


12:58 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Remember when you could read someone else's list like this and not cry?

I'm sorry.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I'm new here and just had to comment. You have written such a touching post, and sadly, I can relate to too much of it. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

2:58 PM  
Blogger Frenchie said...

You said it!

I can relate to just about everything in this post. It made me laugh and cry pretty much at the same time. Hey, it's been 3 1/2 years and I'm not pregnant either.

My husband and I did adopt--and it's awesome--my son is amazing--but--it doesn't change my feelings about being infertile. I am still pissed my body won't make babies. I still cringe at friends' pregnancy announcements. I still long for the dream of one day becoming pregnant and carrying a child to term. I still hold on to that hope every month that something will change. I still get sad every time I get my period.

I hope your dreams will come true. I am pulling for you.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Courtney said...

Remember when everyone felt your pain, related to your experiences, and wished for something better for you? That time is now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with all of us. Know that we are all thinking about you and hoping there are better days ahead.

5:32 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

Hi, this is my first time commenting, but your blog has really meant a lot to me. It got me through some ugly times after my second m\c.

But I read something that I had wondered if you knew about. It's called an IVF scholarship that INCIID offers for people that don't have insurance that will cover treatment. I don't know if you'd qualify, but it might be worth a shot... Maybe a plan d

If this is out place, please feel free to ignore me, but I feel like I kinda know you but not, so just thought I'd pass the info on.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Dreamer4agift said...

Hi, I'm new to your comments, but I stumbled across your blog through someone else's that you had posted in...
I, too, am an IF'er, and I could relate to just about all of those questions...I, too, am at a low point in my ttc journey...I, too, need something positive to happen or might lose myself completely. It might not be healthy, but sometimes, I don't have the strength to put on a happy face and keep going. Sometimes I just want to sit down and close myself off from everyone else until the pain goes away.
Thank you for being open with your feelings. Despite the pain you feel, know that others are walking beside you when you need a hand to hold.

9:03 AM  
Blogger LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I am sure you know that that list resonates with so many of your readers...and that you are not alone.

I am so sorry!!!!

9:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there,
I've been reading your blog for over a year now (since my third loss) and each time I come here I think I'm hoping as much for you as I am for myself by now. Funny how I've never commented and don't know you - yet I feel so connected to your struggles sometimes.

Anyway, sorry, just really wanted to say great blog. Brought tears tears to my eyes.

And yeah, I remember all of those things - some with a smile and some with a tear. Some I wish I could forget.

Sending peaceful thoughts and good vibes your way.

4:55 PM  
Anonymous your blog reader said...

I have to agree with "A Jamie Supporter" that your posts have become more depressive. I, being one suffering yrs of infertility & reocurring losses, understand the need to unload the pain in what ever way you can. However, what I don't understand is why no testing has been done, and more importantly why no aggressive treatment has been attempted. Considering your nearly advanced maternal age, and so many failed "Clomid Challenges" I strongly suggest moving forward with a new treatment. With all due respect, please consider seeking the help of a Doctor (ie. counselor and/or RE) that will actually take your needs in to consideration.

6:48 PM  
Anonymous Another Infertile said...

I've read your blog for about a year and I've often wondered why you haven't done more. As a fellow infertile I feel your pain and I know how much you want a child. I have struggled with IF for over 5 years and have had 9 losses. There were many times when I wanted to stop but couldn't let go of my dream. I sought treatment with many doctors and if it wasn't because I took on a proactive role in my own treatment I wouldn't be holding my son today. It wasn't easy and we had to make many sacrifices but in the end it was worth it. I know IF treatments can be costly but I would think not going on vacation or updating your home would come second or third to having a child. It's easy for us to wallow in self pity but before you do that take a stand and fight for what you want.

Wishing you the best!


7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just ran into your blog for the first time today and your "remember when" post had me riveted right away. I want to add "Remember when you were glad to have experienced pregnancy even if you miscarried" (I've miscarried 3x) but not everyone feels that way -- IF has made me pretty loopy I think!
Hang in there and be glad your husband loves and supports you.

-- 7 years TTC, 3 m/c, failed IVF/IUIs, endometriosis, slowly going insane

7:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(((((HUGS))))) Jamie. Your list brought tears to my eyes. I do "remember when" and it seems like a lifetime and a half ago...

7:17 AM  
Blogger Lin said...

Everytime I hear of someone getting pregnant, I think of you. I pray for you - when I actually remember to pray. You and Mr. D. have such a wonderful life and would be such great parents. I can't even begin to understand how sad you must be.

As for the rude comments... How dare someone assume they know your life or what treatments you should/shouldn't have.

Though your blog is for you to express your pain, thank you also for sharing it with others. It gives me personally a whole new view on what it is like for you and others.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

Ignoring the other comments...

I... well, I don't *love* this post, exactly, because, you know, but what a post. I remember.


3:13 AM  
Anonymous alia said...

i stumbled into this post off the interweb. i'm sorry, i'm pretty sure i've said some of these things to my friend(s) who've had trouble conceiving.

i am sorry it hurts, and i apologize for myself and on behalf of everyone else who doesn't understand and doesn't know what to say....

3:16 PM  
Blogger Evelin said...

I remember almost all of those for me, too. I'm sorry, I know it hurts.

I hope there will soon be a child in your life who will, if not make you forget the pain of infertility and miscarriages, help you not feel that pain so viscerally.


5:40 PM  

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