Random Ketchup
Sorry no post for over a week... you know how spring is...
For those of you that admired my beautiful pet memorial stone it came from....
http://www.artisticetching.com/petmemorials.htm I can not recommend them more... I was moved to tears when I opened the package and saw the beautiful stone.
Mr. D. and I are in the ttc phase of the month... I think today is cd 15 or 16...
There is a post that I have been meaning to write... it is all about moving on to the next step... whether that means more treatment... adoption... fostering... giving up... just moving on. But the problem I have with ttc is how are you supposed to move to the next step when every month brings the possibility of conceiving a child the "natural" way?
Every month after AF shows up I find myself in an angry "we have got to do something" mode. I make phone calls... we go to meetings... I give up hope and think it is time to do "something" else. But as cd 14 starts creeping near I begin feeling that hopeful nag of "maybe this is the month of your miracle"... "maybe you won't have to go through all of this (a) money (b) discomfort (c) headaches (d) paperwork (e) meetings and training (f-y) bullshit or (z) heartbreak to have a baby. "Maybe you will just make magical love to your husband and get perfectly, healthily, and finally pregnant."
I spend the 2nd half of my cycle doing nothing but holding on to that hope.... not following up on phone calls... not refilling prescriptions... not battling the paperwork... not facing the facts that I need to continue on to plan B for my life... not doing anything but holding on to that hope... praying for the tiny life that may be growing inside of me... calculating my due date... and looking at all the baby websites like a crazy woman.
Then AF shows up again and it is time to start the cycle of confusion again.
I have read infertility described as a grief process that never ends. You can never get through all the stages of grief (especially with unexplained infertility like mine) because each month brings another little devastation... You can never heal because infertility is like a giant scab that is ripped off every single month with no chance to ever get better. Because of hope we always have a fresh wound to deal with.
So my question is this... How do I move on? How do I give up the hope that everything is really going to be ok... so I can start taking the steps to "make" it ok?
I am not sure if any of this makes sense... it is just the ramblings that are floating around in my head month after month... disappointment after disappointment.
Two other things...
Anyone watching Notes from the Underbelly? It is hard for me to watch.. and the worst part is when I do watch I have conflicting feelings of thinking it is a really hip, funny, and enjoyable show and that I hate them for making pregnancy seem like the most natural thing in the world (because we all know that people only have sex one time and get pg in the movies... right???) The fact that there are jokes that I don't find funny and cliches that I long to be apart of just make it difficult to laugh at... but... I still think I like it... am I crazy?
Also... I have broken down and joined the myspace generation... mine is private... but if you want to be my friend email me your myspace and I will add you. It is kind of lame so far... but if I had more "friends" it would be better...
Believe it or not... we are having another storm and I have to end this post because we may have to get back into the closet... Texas weather is so weird. Tornado's suck... don't worry too much... now it looks like it is going to miss us completely... Weather is soooo weird!
posted by Mrs. D. @ 4/24/2007 05:54:00 PM
35 Comments:
I rarely de-lurk long enough to comment on your site, but I do follow it daily. I just wanted to say that you can adopt and STILL rejoice if/when you get pregnant, one does not exclude the other. The adoption process is long and hard, but so worth it and if you get pregnant, then you have 2 (and not just one) beautiful children to rock to sleep at night. Good luck with whatever path you choose and I hope you find the one that is right for you (even if it's staying in the TTC mode for as long as you need to).
Tracy
Momma to 2 wonderful adopted children
www.ameliarae.com (2.5 years China)
www.jacklouis.net (9 mo. Vietnam)
i didn't want the show but i did catch myself loathing it from just the previews. it's so not that easy and i hate that they insinuate that. i wish i were one of those clueless fertile-myrtles!
I'm still following your site. I think that babyWAIT is it. You are still in the waiting mode. I agree with you about Noted from the Underbelly - how can I watch it without feeling bitter and flat and entertained? Are you ready to move on, or do you think that you should? It is ok to just keep ttc for now. Maybe set a deadline? Keep ttc but look into adoption in 6 months, start the paperwork 6 months from there? My scary age is going to be 42, but before that, I'll go with all guns at 41. Being 40 now, I should start planning, but, like you I keep hoping for the monthly miracle.
All I can say is that you are not alone and I go through the EXACT same thought process each and every single month. I don't know when it is time to move on, I wish I did. When you find out please tell me because I am habitually stuck in the same place. I just did a round of injectibles (which took me forever to decide). But I know what you mean. It sucks, it's hard and I'm really sorry that this is happening to a nice person like you.
P.S. Stop watching that show! I can't even watch the previews without tearing up.
Yes, you make sense! I can't imagine how painful it must be :(.
Hope you are safe from the storms that swept Texas last night!!
I have absolutely NO idea how to not get caught up in that roller coaster of hope and despair. My feelings fluctuate just like yours and the days around ovulation are brutal. Part of me doesn't even want to try. I think I am so desperate to avoid the disappointment that I want to have a reason for it. At the same time, I find moments of being convinced that this is the THE month. I hate it.
I never heard about IF being a never-ending grief but it helps me to understand the pain that I am in.
You need to take that step and move forward with fertility help. There is so much out there - IUI, IVF, even other drugs other than Clomid. It might not be a difficult process - and you won't know unless you try... You are going to be a fantastic mom - now get out there and take the next step!!!
I just started reading your blog and I can totally relate. Have you tried acupuncture? After trying for 10 months naturally, 2 cycles on Clomid and IUI, and one cycle on injections and IUI without any results (except sadness and hopelessness)-- I decided to give my body a break from treatments and do acupuncture and after 2 cycles I got pregnant (I recently had a miscarriage which I am starting to move on from- but it's been hard). Anyway-- I do believe stress plays a HUGE role in fertility -- so dont watch anything on TV that might upset you, and do things for yourself to relax-- I think that is key. Good luck to you. It WILL happen-- Think positive, I'm trying : )
I am sorry that you feel the way you do... I feel exactly the same. The ups and downs, hopes and devistations ..... I don't know how to make it stop either. Thank you for posting, I feel like I am in good company. * i secretly watch that underbelly show too and I hate that I torture myself that way. arpbnxan
I haven't watched that show - I suspect it hasn't made it to Denmark yet.
I know exactly what you mean about the emotions though the excitement and despair every month. Of course, it would be really nice to just have sex for fun for a while.
I have felt this way before. Every month you long to take action and do something that will give you that feeling of being in control. As the cycle goes on, though, you realize you are anything but....
It does look like a funny show - something I'd probably watch if I had ever been, y'know, pregnant. I feel guilty when I laugh at the previews, but I'll never watch the show.
As for moving on, hell if I know. Since sex is rarely on the menu (not even with myself, which is not only tmi but freaking pathetic to boot), and the first four years of infertility and death march sex has pretty much killed what sex drive I had.
Having said all that, I know where you're coming from. But I think I'm a lot more pessimistic. Perhaps looking at other options again would be good at this time?
I don't know if I am with the general consensus of ladies that post. I think you HAVE to go after something with both guns blazing (and especially with years of infertility) in order to be successful. There is only a 20% chance of conceiving for a fertile couple. I hate to tell you what it is for us.
So, in a nutshell...you need to get past the glimmers and go for the gusto (even though it may be harder). I hope you get to that point Jamie because time is wasting!
I think it is FEAR that makes us stay in this status quo. Fear of admitting that our body has failed us. Fear to find out the truth and its causes. So we hang on to the HOPE of that miracle. Dorothy Thompson once wrote: "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."
I agree with others that it's time to march on to what's ahead.
I understand the rollercoaster of emotions we all go through month after month. CD1-5 is despair, CD6-O is determination, and O-1 and on is hope, which usually ends back at despair when AF comes. It is a terrible cycle that we must experience month after month, and there's no avoiding it unless you give up completely. After all I've invested in having a child, I refuse to give up now. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope whichever road you choose to travel, it will give you the baby you've dreamed of for so long.
Oh, and about NFTU, I feel like it is a guilty pleasure. There are parts that really get to me but I ultimately feel happy after watching it. Strange, huh?
My Myspace: www.myspace.com/kristen1282
Do you have to give up hope of giving birth to a biological child to start the adoption process? I am a birthmother to a wonderful little girl. Her parents TTC for a decade before starting the adoption process, and now have two biological children to make theirs a family of five. They didn't stop the hormones and treatments, even as the adoption was made final.
Best of luck!
You have to ask yourself what you are concerned with the most - the end result - or how you got there. I know you don't think it is that black and white- but sometimes - it just is.
It is up to you - only you and your husband can answer it. Good luck.
Would love to be added to your myspace. I read your blog daily! I totally understand how difficult it is to make the choice for the next step for treatment. We have been in limbo since October 06. We have a daughter who is 3 1/2 and have been ttc since have done medication our next step is IUI we are just not ready yet. Take care and hang in there! Amy
Ok it would help if I left my myspace info hehe http://www.myspace.com/77695366
Amy
You have to do what you think is right in your heart. You and ONLY you know what you can and can't do when it comes to trying. I want to see you succeed and I want to see you holding your beautiful baby. You and Mr. D. will do what you feel comfortable with....that is all that you can do.
If you need to talk...I'm here.
I dont think you can compare the pain of unexplained infertility and just plain ole Effed up infertility. It is the same pain, people just process it differently. Regardless, the end result is the same. Being unexplained myself I would say that should give you MORE ambition to go after it because since you dont know WHAT is wrong, how do you know your protocol is right. If you want this, you have to go after it with "guns ablazing" as another poster mentioned. Every other month of so you have this epiphany and question what you should do. You have continued to make the same decision and either do the same thing...or nothing. Lets look at the facts here..that TX isnt working. Go for it. YOu can either sit here and be afraid your never going to have a child or you can go forward and be deathy afraid of having a child. I would choose the latter of the two. But that is just me.
Also, just because you cant get pregnant doesnt mean you cant enjoy life and little things like TV. Yeah it sucks that TV people get pregnant the first shot but if it didnt happen that way, wouldnt we be depressed that infertility has even hit the entertainment world? YOu are allowed to smile at pregnant women. They dont WISH us to be infertile.
Wow, have you got alot of comments!
I am going through this crazy griving process that just does not want to piss off! I know I am so lucky to have A.J and I am sad and happy that he is now 7 years old. I am angry and sad and frustraited all at the same time. I know I will never get another chance at doing I.U.I's, fertility drugs or anything like that again. I am feeling lost and hopeless and very sure I will never concieve again. Twice pregnant in 33 years and have not been on contraception since 1998! If you want my opinion, I would say move on to the bigger options, cos it may never happen "naturally" and what is naturally anyway?.
Jamie, I have been there, you were one of the first on the board at Pregnancy Weekly, when I first got there and I prayed and still do pray that I would hear you say those magic words but now after 7 years and no more babies of my own. I am very pessimistic about "natural conception" and I know how long you have tried and perservered and prayed and begged and hoped and wished. Only you know how much you can take and what you want to do but my opinion is.. be more aggressive than you already have been (if that's possible) and maybe I.V.F might be the next step?
I have a myspace page. I wrote the add on my Blog. Hope you get a chance to look at my pics there.
Hugs and lots of love from me to you. Lesley
I don't know how you are going to deal with the grief process, but my husband and I tried everything we could up to and through one failed IVF with PGD. And after that the doctor (who I'd thought would say let's try again, since my insurance covered 3 tries) told us if we didn't want to have another loss to use birth control; 25 of our 28 embryos had had 2-3-4+ aneuoploidies each, and the other 3 ... well, the doctor thought they might have had problems they just couldn't test for. I was stunned and had the worst 2 months of my life. Crying. Depression. And then we picked up, dusted off, and started to move ahead by investigating adoption.
While doing that, a miracle intervened and she is now two and a half, and her sister is 1. I don't know how we got two biological children after what we know about our embryos.
But the turning point for me was NOT being pregnant after 5 losses, but being told that I would have another miscarriage, and to consider other options.
I check your blog weekly because you are able to verbalize so many of my feelings so eloquently. Thanks for putting it out there, and making me feel a little less alone.
http://www.myspace.com/livingwithendo
http://greyladybg.blogspot.com/
Thanks for posting.. I never thought about infertility being a never ending grief cycle, but that immediately clicks, because for most, you just can't give up on that hope of having a biological child. Even though DH and I aren't too heavy in the game, as on not having IVF, I don't want to mobe on to the next step..
It's hard, like you said, because you might magically get preggo on your own. (hugs)
My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
It sounds to me like you have three options... 1. Start finding ways to be content with your life right now and redefine what your 'ideal' life is. 2. Stick with the familiar and relive what you live each month until you know for sure you're ready to be done with it.
3. Take a giant leap towards motherhood even though it means not knowing what exactly lies ahead. Motherhood (for everyone really) is a leap of faith.
I still haven't ordered my stone for Donut. I just can't do it yet.
New to your blog (and love the title)...
We have been dealing with the Texas storms too - what fun!
It is difficult to maintain the balance between hope and living life outside of ttc. I have yet to figure out the balance, but am starting to feel that after close to two years that life is passing by and I am missing it all. I hope that you soon find that balance and that you can wade through the f-y section of this journey. There is a child out there for you, for all of us, and we have to hold on to that dream.
Welcome to my world.
I feel your pain..I've never thought of infertility as a unending gief cycle but it totally is!
Do something drastic: Look into adoption, seek more treatment options, whatever your heart tells you to do. The fact is, you've been trying for too long to keep doing what your'e doing and while giving up the dream of conceiving naturally is a difficult one, it's time. I'm not trying to be harsh--you and your husband seem like lovely people with a strong marriage, the kind of people who should be having kids. I hate to see you suffer needlessly and the fact is, you're still young enough that you can walk into a fertility clinic and not have the doctors see you as a lost cause.
One of the things that shocked me when I went through this was how little doctors really want to deal with the tough cases--older patients in particular. I mean, I thought fertility clinics were for "older" women. I've read your blog for a while now and thought to myself that you are at such a great age to do something, that you have time to figure out what will work for you. But if you wait . . . .
A few of the other commenters have said that you don't get anywhere in this process without taking some risks and that you generally have to go all out to get what you want. I have to agree.
Sorry to be such a pain. Now go out there and kick some butt!
You should really pick up a copy of this month's Real Simple magazine. There are women's stories of different paths to motherhood.... One of them might resonante with you...
I agree with those who said it may be time to move onto other steps. Don't be like me--I waited until I was 41 to start with fertility txs. Two years later and we have little hope...The reality is very painful. I wish you the best.
As you can read you're not alone. So many of us do this holding-on-to-hope thing monthly. All I can say is that when I/we are ready to "move on" I/we will know it's time. Until then, hang on :)
I don't know you, and you don't know me, but what you have written is exactly what is in my "undetermined infertility" head. You write with beauty and grace and I will definitely be checking in here to see how you are doing.
Please visit me at www.lovehopeandfaith.blogspot.com
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