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Friday, December 18, 2009

I vant to be left alone...

To quote Ms. Garbo.. "I vant to be left alone..."

I know many of you are new to my blog (ie... the ones who have come over to yell at me because my blog link was posted on another blog and you were encouraged to come over and call me names..)but I really would like you to go now... I get it that you all think I am a terrible person because I want to be a parent.. I understand that you feel that I am out to steal another woman's baby.. that I feel "entitled" and that I am almost criminal for wanting to have a child to raise... but what you don't understand is that I believe in adoption... I think it is another way to build a family... I believe that there is a baby out that that God has chosen to bring into our family through adoption. I will love this baby and raise her to be a good person. I will make sure that this child will have a good home, a stable home, a loving and safe home...

I feel like I have been attacked and I know I can't change any of your minds. But I don't think adoption is evil... and I know my husband and I are not evil people for wanting to raise a child. I have always wanted to be a mother... I have spent the last thirteen years as a teacher... and I know that despite being unable to conceive, I am supposed to parent a child.

I know there is nothing I can do to change the minds of the people who have posted here... many of you have been hurt by adoption and I can only say that I am sorry that you have been hurt...

But this is about my family... and I have done everything that I can to try to be prepared to raise an adoption child. And I am going to be an adoptive mother... so instead of the blastings, why don't you try to tell me what I can do (besides not adopt or to adopt from foster care... both of which are not options for me) to be more prepared to raise a child who for whatever reason... has been relinquished for adoption...

After 6 years of infertility treatments... and grief counseling to deal with the loss of two pregnancies... we began to explore adoption.

We took a year to interview agencies and go to meetings to decide what type of adoption was best for us.

We have chosen to adopt an infant domestically... we asked to be matched with a baby girl.

We chose an agency who we felt was very reputable. They are a tiny agency and they do things differently than many agencies... They match couples to the birthmother. The birthmother does not "pick" parents for the child... instead the agency matches you (sort of like international adoption).

We will not meet the birthmother before placement. This is to protect the birthmother from having a prospective adoptive mother in her life talking he into things she doesn't feel comfortable with. We won't be there to buy her gifts, to go to her doctors appointments, or in the room when she gives birth.

When our birthmom signs her paperwork she will only know that she is placing her baby in a safe and loving home that has been through a rigorous interview and background check. If she chooses to change her mind she is free to do so... without knowing that we are in the other room... there will be no guilt related to "letting us down" or "breaking a promise" to us. When she signs the papers she will have every opportunity to change her mind.

All of this is the main reasons that we chose this agency... because it protects the birthmother from feeling pressured... and we liked that.

After the papers are signed we will get a call. We have let our agency know that we are happy to meet with the birthmother if she chooses. I would actually prefer that... but it will be entirely up to her. Once the baby comes home with us the adoption will be closed for one year... we will send updates to the agency during that time for the birthmom to have if she chooses but there will be no contact with us. After the year we will have a mediated adoption which means that we will have contact through our adoption attorney. Whatever relationship both parties agree on is what we will have... and we have already made it clear that we would like to stay in contact with our birthmother... but again... that will be up to her.

In addition to being very careful about choosing our agency we have also done a lot of research in to raising adopted children... We have attended 2 adoption conferences featuring some of the countries most renowned adoption expects, we have attended an adult adoptee panel where we listened to the feelings these adopted people had growing up. We have read various books about both adoption and parenting, watched dvds, taken baby classes and cpr, and basically outfitted a nursery with everything we could to try to make the little ones transition more comfortable. We have dedicated the last 2 years to planning and preparing for this child. Everyday, I plan and think and pray for this child... and I hope and think and pray for her birthmother.

We have arranged for her care, planned to bank her cord blood (if her birthmother consents), purchase her car seat, interview her pediatrician, and I have undergone protocol so I can provide her with my own breastmilk... and I have pumped since April... because we thought that she would be here in early summer.

I know I will never be this child's biological mother... that there will be a loss in her life... that there will be hardships that we have to overcome. But I look forward to it all.. every single moment. I want to be there for this child for the rest of my life.. to love her, raise her and teach her... I recognize that there is sadness in this process... and I hate that... but that doesn't mean that I will not be able to love this baby as if she came from my womb. She will know that she is adopted and have (age appropriate) access all the information that her birthmother choses to share with us. I will be there when it is time to reunite with her birthmom and I will support that reunion.

Honestly, I am trying... I am sympathetic to the needs of all of you with hard, horrible, heartbreaking stories... but I am still going to parent. And this child... our daughter, Finley Elisse, will be the most cherished thing our lives.

29 Comments:

Blogger L.Sanderson said...

You are so brave and selfless. I started following you almost two years ago and although I've never met you, I feel like I know you through your honest posts. I too miscarried twice and your blog helped me through some dark and difficult times in my life. A miracle happened in august, my daughter was born. and I truly believe in my heart of hearts that you are destined to be a mother too. Do not give up hope. Stick to what you believe. And always know that the people that have followed you for a long time (not just since last week) know your true hearts desire.

9:20 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I'm sorry who don't know you and haven't shared your struggles feel the need to say hurtful things. I pray your daughter arrives in your arms soon.

9:43 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Long-time reader and lurker and I am SO sorry that your blog is under attack by those who do not understand your motivations and may have misread a few lines of your words. I cannot understand why you are under attack and I think that every decision you have made thus far has been particularly conscientious in preparing to raise your little girl. I hope she is well on her way and you get a phone call anyday that she's waiting for you.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Spencer said...

All I can say is "Wow!"

I cannot believe all of the flak and backlash that has been released in your direction in the past few weeks. I feel so badly that you are being so misunderstood.

And while I sympathize greatly for the adoptees that feel so wronged I can't help but feel that there are just as many adoptees that have had a favorable experience and are thankful that they were saved from potential danger. I'll bet there are plenty of folks out there that wish they had been adopted, instead of being abused or neglected by their "natural" parents.

I do understand where they are coming from (adoptees) but unfortunately nothing is cut and dried in these circumstances and there is so much gray in the middle that it's hard to have a truly clear idea of a way to make everyone win. Not to mention there is inevitable pain in EVERY family - biological or not! Even the "best" and most "natural" families have past resentments, remorse, regret, and hurt feelings - it's not possible not too. At the end of the day we're all just humans trying to get along and do the best that we can.

I applaud you in your honesty and am hopeful that you will meet your daughter soon. Keep your chin up and don't let the bitter people out there get you down.

Jen

5:06 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Jamie - YOU know what you have done to prepare for this child...screw everyone else....People like to start drama where there is none...any person with half a brain understood your original post - understood you didn't feel "entitled". People like that see what they want to see...no matter what the truth is. Hang in there because she is coming.

5:13 AM  
Blogger * said...

Honey, ignore those asshats that are hassling you. They're not worth the energy. As far as I can tell, you & your husband are lovely people who have every right to pursue a family in the way of your choosing. Don't let the turkeys get you down!

5:44 AM  
Blogger Linda S said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you are being attacked. I'm from the birth-mother side of adoption, and I am amazed at all the things you've done to prepare for this baby. Any baby will be so lucky to have you as her mom! Besides, you are already experiencing one part of parenthood, the part where there is always someone to tell you what you are doing wrong. You know in your heart you are doing the very best you can, and phooey to the rest of them.

I wish I could do more for you, but I can only pray for you both, and I have been doing that for over a year now. I pray that soon you will hold your beautiful baby in your arms, and that next year this time you'll be buying a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament and so much more. And all this pain will be a distant memory.

8:15 AM  
Blogger KLTTX said...

Lurker here too. I am sorry you have been attacked. This is your blog and you can write what ever you want. It sounds like you have chosen the right agency for you and are preparing yourselves as best you can to parent an adopted child. I hope you get your call soon.

BTW, I can't tell from your blog where you are located but I am wondering if we are near each other as I recently attended an adoption conference and I know they had the adult adoptees panel too. Just curious.

8:32 AM  
Blogger polyhex said...

I'm a reader and lurker for the last four years. Please don't stop blogging: I so want to see your happy ending.

Context is everything. Yes, I winced when the post in question came up on my bloglines. But it was so clear to me that it was coming from such love and pain for your missing daughter.

I think adoption is wonderful. I think problems can arise when 1) agencies or parents behave unethically, and 2) when parents expect adoption to be "just the same" as bearing a child biologically. It is not, because in order for the child to enter your family, they experience a deep loss. That loss needs to be acknowledged and honored and dealt with. There are questions that only the birthmother will be able to answer for your child; I hope she chooses to remain in contact so she can; I hope you encourage her to.

I think that you are and will address these unique issues of adoption. You will be a wonderful mother. I know you will do what it takes to meet your child's needs. You will be blessed to have each other.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Bea said...

You know you can't win. If you were doing IVF right now, or some other form of ART, people would be telling you to "just adopt".

I'm not entirely sure how you came to cop this for what you said. Seems like if you dare to express that there are downsides someone will take that and read their own issues into it. Then again, don't dare to express that there aren't downsides...

You are the moderator of this space, though. I believe in listening to all points of view and taking a good hard look at myself if someone says I'm wrong, but at a certain point, if nothing new is being added, you're allowed to close it off.

Bea

12:39 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

P.S. Sustainable Families said it well after the first post. I think a lot of people missed the fact that you weren't complaining about those who would parent or about those who might consider adoption for their children and then maybe place or maybe decide to parent, you were complaining about those who would do neither for their children.

There are too many out there who neither parent nor place, and really, that doesn't do anyone any good, and is worth complaining about from many points of view, including yours!

And some of the reasons you listed did not seem, to me, like complaints about the system, just facts about the system that some have taken to read as complaints. Your phrasing was obviously a bit blunt for some people, leading them to assume a hidden "and that's wrong" on the end of some paragraphs, when it wasn't actually there.

Bea

1:14 PM  
Blogger Mandie said...

Ditto the can't win post. I have been following your blog for a long time now and I am anxiously awaiting your "she's here" post.

People will never be happy and, because of that, they have the unnatural need to be pissy to others.

I believe in my heart that you are going to be a mother. Finley Elisse will be lucky to have you guys.

6:43 PM  
Blogger Jody said...

Again, I say you are so brave. You owe no one an explanation of your journey and yet you open yourself up and share. I have been reading for over a year and hope and pray for your happy ending, Finley, to arrive soon. My hubby and I have been trying for over 8 years to have a family. We have gone through 2 miscarriages, 6 IVF attempts and have been scared off from adoption by the foster care system. Hearing your story and knowing that I am not alone helped me to start healing. I have had many of the same thoughts as you and some probably worse, but have not had the courage to post them. Just because someone is able to give birth does not always mean that they should and I know many wonderful people who are successfully parenting their child, even though they did not give birth to them. Thank you for sharing your story your recent post is opening my mind to considering adoption again. and don't let those negative idiots, who obviously have no clue get to you.

Continue to follow your heart and your plan, the waiting sucks, so again, I hope that your daughter arrives soon.

PS. I love the side bar list of things that do not help in having a baby, I've heard and done them all and could probably add another 10 to your list.

8:05 PM  
Blogger Heather W. said...

I sooo wish you didn't feel the need to explain yourself. You're a good person with great intentions...it's as simple as that! You are going to be a great Mommy, no matter how Finley comes into your life...and that's all that matters...it's all about her and the life you can give her.

3:49 AM  
Blogger Tristan said...

I have been reading your blog since Jan..when I had a miscarriage..your blog popped up, and I have no idea how..I was just searching for someone who had "been" there.

I do not comment often...but have followed ever since. I pray deligently for you to recieve that precious baby girl that I KNOW God has for you.

You deserve to be a mother..and I pray that your little girl finds you soon.

2:29 PM  
Blogger Endobaby said...

I too wish that you didn't have to explain yourself.

I thought your post was beautiful, especially how much respect you have for the future birthmother and how much love you have for your future daughter.

I will ESTATIC when you finally meet your little girl =)

3:53 PM  
Blogger alison said...

Your blog was the very very first I ever read when I was starting realize everything wasn't ok with my reproductive system, and I've been reading along with you ever since. Your blog gave me a springboard to this whole community. (And so I guess I should have thanked you for that a long long time ago.)

I'm SO sorry people are morons. You don't have to explain yourself. I can't WAIT to "meet" your sweet peanut. I hope it happens very very soon. Screw the losers who try to bring you down. *hugs*

6:28 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

Food for thought:

All of the commenters that are being called "morons" or "asshats" or "negative idiots" are the adult counterparts of the children that will be adopted by you and others.

It just leaves me shaking my head.

Yes, I'll leave you alone now...but I hope that you start reading adoptees' blogs..not just the ones that are rainbows and sunshine..but the hard ones. It's so important...one day you just might need to remember what was said on the blogs so you can help your adult adopted child.

1:43 AM  
Blogger hudson6803 said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much criticism right now. But, mostly I'm sorry that this process has taken so long. I hope your daughter comes home soon!

Regarding the post above (Cricket), disagreeing is one thing and attacking is another.

5:32 AM  
Blogger kesse04 said...

I just wanted to say, not all of us adoptees were attacking you on your page, some of us were just trying to give you tools to use when adoption loss arises. I suggested the Primal Wound,istated in a previous post that you will make a great mom, and that much is obvious. I just wanted to give you an adoptee's take, because really my parents were very wonderful, and there wasn't a "bad" experience, but adoption still is hard for other people to understand when they are not involved. In regards to some comments saying I bet plenty of people wish they were adopted, that isn't true. I love my parents and I'm glad they're the family I was placed with, but adoption is a gain that comes from a loss. I hope that makes sense. In regards to the timing, I wanted to comment on that, I know that it has been hard and a long process, but when you finally do adopt I believe you will be glad you waited for the child you were meant to be with. that child. I just think the way you phrased some of the reasons adoption is slow was phrased in a way that was easy to take out of context. I hope that this makes sense, I can't speak for others in regards to attacking your blog, but I can say that I'm just trying to give you my perspective in a manner that I hope will not be construed as anything other that trying to help.

6:24 AM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

You are as always, giving more than you should. This is your journey and while I know and love you, you don't need to explain to me or anyone else. I am glad you did, if it made your heart lighter, but those of us who "know" you, who have followed and watched you lose those pregnancies, go throught those treatments, ask yourself over and over again, "why me..why NOT me?" can vouch for your class, style and humble nature in the face of this journey you're on.
Sweetie, I know that Finley is on her way to you, and wherever she comes from, whatever baggage she comes with...or doesn't, she is going to be loved and cared for in your arms.
My love to you on this week of Chrismtas, when Miracles happen.

Love you..much

6:32 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Since i was one of the first commenters on your 'angry' post, I can imagine it may feel I started the whole row. I don't know where the other commenters came from, and I did try to word the comment so it didn't come across as harsh, I appreciate I may have failed.

Yours was the second infertility blog I ever read (the first was chez miscarriage) so I am a long long time reader - six years now - so I do understand the struggle, and I can understand where that post came from. When you feel a bit stronger, it may be possible to reread a few of those comments and see that not every one was angry, and not everyone was attacking you. They were sharing in the strong emotions that you yourself expressed in that post. It's an emotive subject, and here, on your blog, of course you should express what you feel.

I think this is a lovely post, I look forward to hearing about you sharing it with your daughter when she is old enough.

2:57 PM  
Blogger UCL said...

I couldn't believe what I found when I found the site attacking you. So sorry you are going through this.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

2:40 PM  
Blogger Albatross said...

If you want to be left alone, don't blog. Sorry, but if one blogs publicly on the Internet, one needs to don asbestos underwear. If you don't like it, don't blog. And you're blogging about family issues: those are the most volatile of all.

People should not be cruel or rude to other people, but neither should one post highly controversial comments in public places without being prepared for the responses.

I recommend you find a way to blog in a members-only manner so that you can include only people who would be supportive of you.

11:48 AM  
Blogger kateiskate said...

I have been reading your blog for a couple weeks and haven't really said anything. I needed some time to digest what you've written and really think about it.

I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think you're awful for wanting to adopt. But as an adopted person I notice one small red flag...(keep in mind where I'm coming from as an adoptee, not an adoptice parent or natural mom)

Why do you already have a name for your future daughter? What if she already has a name? A lot of adoptees (myself included) would have liked to have kept at least our first names.

To me naming her without knowing her feels a little bit like erasing her past. I understand that is not your intention, but I just wanted to say as an adopted person, that's something that sticks out at me. What you do is your choice, but I just wondered if you had thought about that at all.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Myst said...

No one has been encouraged to read your post and "call you names". Why would anyone do that??

I for one have responded to the words you have used, the feeling of entitlement to another woman's child I see in your posts. But I am not attacking you, merely voicing my own opinion.

Do you have any idea how aggressively adoption agencies market to get babies for their clients? There really is no such thing as a "reputable" agnecy. These mothers, who may feel like it is the right thing to do to place while they are pregnant are preyed upon and when, in the days following childbirth and their natural instinct kicks in and they want to parent and make that known, when that happens, they are given a dressing down enough to ensure their self worth has been stripped away for the rest of their lives.

I do not judge you for wanting a child. Hell no! I am very sorry things haven't happened naturally for you, I really am. I empathise, really I do... my best friend, a Nanny by trade has also been told she will never be able to have children and she has been heartbroken by this news... BUT causing MORE pain, MORE loss is not the answer.

I have concerns about the fact you only want a daughter and the fact you have named her already. As a parent, I didn't have a choice of what sex I gave birth to and the names I chose ended up being NOT the names I used as my children didn't suit them. To me, this feels like going to some giant baby mart and picking through the babies until you find the right one. I know that isn't what you are saying but it comes across that way.

As for being left alone, someone else mentioned this is a public blog. Like mine is and therefore you will get many people of varying opinion as I do although the most venomous comments I get tend to be emailed to me.

I don't think you are a bad person and I can see you are hurting. I just do not agree with you adopting a child who probably could have stayed with her mama if there had been more support and resources.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

So eaht is Jamie picked the sex and name of her baby? She may only have one and why not get what you always wanted! Also this is her "Pregancy Period" How many people name thier babies in utero? MOST! She can change her mind if she wants. I just don't see why peole can not let this family document it's growth without opinion. This blog wasn't written t ask what people thought about thier choices! It was written to help people in the same situation.

I hope you don't stop blogging. I have been reading for years and can not wait to read your good news!

XOXOX

4:14 PM  
Blogger Distressed Diva said...

Yeah, you're a real hero "so brave and selfless". Poor you. I feel so bad. While you've been harboring negative feelings towards pregnant women, I have to deal with bitches like you who are married and put wedding pictures up for everyone to "ooh and ahh". I've never been married and you're on the second husband. Let me know when you're on the third! I have no husband OR children! Is anyone going to pat me up and feel sorry for me?

9:37 PM  

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