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Thursday, September 23, 2004

Obsession... not a pretty thing..

I don't like being obsessed with pregnancy (or the lack thereof...) I have this blog to help me "get it out" so I can be productive... but I am feeling especially unproductive (as well as un-reproductive) and today it is getting me down.

I am wasting so much time at work on pregnancy boards and on blogging and on wishing I was pregnant... Don't get me wrong.. I teach my classes, but all of my spare moments are spent on this new hobby that is looking up crap about pregnancy and wishing with all my might that I was pregnant. I really hate this feeling of obsession.

In case you are new... I am completely obsessive about most things in my life.. I am a control freak... I KNOW that about myself. The up side to that is that I LOVE details... I love the little things that make up the whole... I am a perfectionist and I strive to stay on top of every little problem until it gets solved. I expect others to do the same and I want everyone to follow the rules.. these are qualities that make me a god teacher and a good director... I demand excellence I expect responsibility...

... I am the most annoying person on the planet.

I want to not obsess... or at least go back to obsessing about other things besides a baby. It is like a sickness... In my 20's I thought that "those" pregnancy obsessed women were such losers... I mean... get a life right???

ME at 23: - "Having a child is not the end all be all of your entire life! What about having a great relationship with your husband? Or a great career? Or just striving to be a productive human being! We are not ONLY baby making machines!!! "

ME at 32: - "I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby..." ( see a pattern here???)

I really feel the need to take a BusPar and go to bed.


Blogger lobster girl said...

I know exactly what you mean! I was the same way in my 20s! I thought children were as or less important than a satisfying career, an independent spirit, an enlightened relationship with a partner. Now, at 35, pretty much all I care about is having children. As the months go by, job issues seem to pale in comparison to the need to breed, if I may be so blunt. And like you, I'm also obsessive, a control freak, a perfectionist ... which is exactly why NOT having control over this major life event is driving me slowly but surely insane.

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, trying being 40 with a ticking clock and a mantra ;)

Sending you love and hugs.


9:02 PM  

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