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Sunday, September 26, 2004

The Phone Call

Dad called today. We talked about the usual... gardening... his new living room furniture.... my brother... & Thanksgiving plans (uggghhh...) He asked me how Nic was and if she was in Europe yet... I told him about her BFP and then we talked about my recent BFN's... He basically told me to "calm down" and "stop worrying about it so much"... To "put it in God's hands" and "it will happen when the timing is right".

I love my Dad... but I wanted to scream at him.

ME: (on the inside) - DAD! I HAVE HAD 2 M/C's IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS! THE TIMING WAS RIGHT... I DID PUT IT IN GOD'S HANDS... AND I LOST BOTH BABIES. I am 32... my clock is ticking... the window of "adoption" is quickly shutting because in 19 months Mr. D. will be 45 and "officially" to old to adopt. (Besides the fact that we don't happen to have $30,000 to spend on adoption.) I FEEL LIKE I AM SUFFOCATING WITH WORRY AND WHAT-IF'S AND YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN? Dad... I don't know what to do... I FEEL SO EMPTY AND ALONE AND EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAYS SEEMS WRONG AND HURTFUL! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME AND WHY DO I HAVE TO SEEK SOLACE THROUGH AN ONLINE JOURNAL AND INTERNET FRIENDS INSTEAD OF MY REAL LIFE FRIENDS AND FAMILY UNDERSTANDING ME???? I swear to God, Dad... I feel like I woke up the day after my m/c speaking a foreign language that no one understands! AND ALL DAY I THINK ABOUT HOW THE FUCK I CAN COMMUNICATE THIS PAIN TO PEOPLE.

ME: (in real life) - I basically cried a little and my Dad felt uncomfortable and told me he loved me and he was going to let me go so I could get on with my day and he could mow the lawn.

People just don't get it...

Side notes:
1. I found HPT at the dollar store today. They are supposed to detect 25 mIU of hcG... I wanted to buy all the had in stock... but I couldn't face the cashier with 15 HPT's.
So I bought 6.

2. Told Mr. D about the mysterious email from D.B. Mr. D. seemed unconcerned and saw no problem with me emailing D.B. back to see where life has taken him in the past 16 years. I love my husband so much... Emailed him back... was VERY vague except to say I was happily married and living in Dallas.... no response so far.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


Sorry you are having such a crappy time right now. Saw your post on Karen's site and thought I would just let you know I understand where you are coming from- especially the post about your dad's comments. I had 3m/c in 11 mos. and have spent the last 12 with nothing but BFN's (not to be discouraging) so, mom-dad were here for a visit and I heard mom slip in a couple of times with, "Just wait and see how you feel when you are pregnant." in regards to a couple of different situations. Now, my 1st m/c I should have been 10wks (but m/c at around 7 and didn't know it) but, had all the pg symptoms and even saw the pg on the ultrasound. Now, talking about this just makes me cry my head off most of the time so, after my parents left I just dropped my mom a short email reminding her that I know she thinks these comments are her way of trying to stay positive but, they are hurtful to me and reminded her that I have been pg 3x's and know what it "feels" like to be pg. She actually took it well and apologized for not thinking before opening the yapper. Plus I just had my 33rd bday so, it was an especially downer time. Could go on and on but, won't. Again, just wanted to let you know that me of similar story is thinking of you and hoping we both move on to happier days soon. By the way, would have posted with a name/email but, don't have a password. take care, j

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nobody, nobody gets it. I gave up trying to explain things to both our families. I don't know why it is - as Julie (alittlepregnant) or Getupgrrl once said, people say stupid stupid shit, especially the people close to us.
At this time when you most need support and understanding, it hurts so much more that those you rely on...can't be relied on to understand any more.
I am so sorry.

6:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time right now. I was away this weekend and am just now catching up on my posts. Sending you a big cyberhug.

No, people just don't 'get' it and I'm done trying to explain it to them, just absolutely done.



10:02 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Thanks for reading my blog. I am addicted to reading yours everyday. When you get pg I think I will be just as excited when I get pg. I am so sorry about the phone call with your dad. I hate that people say that it will happen when it happens. It is the worse thing they could say. It just makes you go why hasn't it happened yet? Why did it happen the way it happened? Why am I not still pg, why did I loose my babies, why am I not hold them in my arms right now!!! I wish that people could understand. It blows my mind that no one understands... do they not see how much pain it causes, we were planning on having a baby, then just like nothing that changes... how is anyone suposed to get over that? Sorry I think I am just venting now. I just want you to know that I do understand, I know that doesn't really help, you already know that we understand you just want them to get it. I think it is cool that you e-mailed D.B. back. I can't wait to see what he says back. Have a good day.. well at leaste not a bad one
truck loads upon truck loads of baby dust on you and Mr D.

12:49 PM  

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