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Saturday, April 22, 2006

cd 1

Well... the week didn't get much worse... unless you count AF starting this morning(but I knew she was coming so it wasn't a real shock.) I will call my dr.'s office on Monday morning and hopefully get an u/s sometime next week to see if there may be a reason for the non-PEAKS the past two cycles.

I had several conversations this week with my co-teacher trying to resolve our issues... I hope things will get better... we are just at two totally opposite ends of the spectrum... He is messy, free spirited, and fly by the seat of his pants... I am organized, controlling, and a total planner. If we can get through our issues maybe we will be able to balance each other well. We have 5 more weeks of school before summer break... hopefully I can make it through without another explosion.

Mr. D. and I are planning a wonderful summer vacation in Florida. We are looking at condo's to rent on the beach. I can't wait. Today I bought two bathing suits at Target in the lovely size of large... (well the tankini style tops are medium... but the ass is a large) I would love to lose about 10 pounds (at least) before we go on vacation. I just feel so lazy all the time and never want to work out. AND... my eating habits have been REALLY bad lately... REALLY... REALLY BAD. This morning I weighed 149. Only a month ago I was down to 144.5. I know that part of the problem is that I am depressed and that I am going through a real "I don't know what the fuck to do" phase. Today Mr. D. and I talked about buying some bikes and joining the Rec center and pool that is 2 miles from our house. I think I would like that... but I do have that elliptical machine looming in my bedroom that I bought last year thinking that I would be motivated every day to work out... I wasn't. I am also nervous about doing an IUI and possible gaining MORE weight. Why does it feel like I would be so much happier if I weighed 125. Am I that shallow? Yes.

I have not talked to Dad since he called to cancel on Easter. His birthday is Wednesday. I feel bad just ignoring the b-day.. I just don't have it in me even though the last 3 years he hasn't given me a gift... just a phone call... maybe dinner... maybe a card... this past year it was just a phone call. Anyway... I ALWAYS get him a gift and try to have dinner with him. What do I do this year? I am scared to call him... Scared that I will be REALLY pissed off if he doesn't feel bad about Easter.. and scared that I will have to explain to him how hurt I was if he brings it up. I am starting to think that I just suck at all relationships... Thank God my husband can put up with me.

Basically my good relationships are My husband, my Mom, and Nic. That is it. My Dad and my brother are most in my life on holidays and in emergencies and honestly... I have no other real friends. My phone is silent unless it is one of those few people. I know it sounds pathetic... but I am really trying to dig down and figure out why I have so few relationships in my life. Is it because I seem like I don't need them? Do I seem so secure and together that no ones understands that I constantly feel like I am falling apart? Is that why I crave a baby so much? So I will have one more person that loves me? Wow.. how sad is that...

I am sure I will be ok tomorrow... just chalk these tears up to PMS.

8 Comments:

Blogger Hoping said...

Hey Jamie- I am a fellow Type A personality, organized and planned and I know what it feels like to clash with people because of that....it sucks...I sincerely hope you have a better week and your dad just doesn't know what he is missing in his daughter--

Florida with Mr D? sounds delightful!

5:17 PM  
Blogger Ally said...

I know all too well how you feel Jamie...I don't speak to many of my siblings and with no parents the relationships I have are minimal. Chalk it up to being so independant that you rarely let people in...thats the conclusion I have come up with.

I hope you have some questions answered at your dr. appt. It's always nice to get a straight answer.

Florida trip sounds great...can I come? :)

Love ya,

Ally

5:26 AM  
Anonymous Penny Farthing said...

I'm sorry the old hag showed hon. I really hope the doctors can find an answer for you.

I know what you mean about not having the motivation to lose weight (though I'm super-overweight, and you're only 2lbs over my targert weight :P ) I can never get around to it.

I don't have many good relationships either, mine is down to finding it difficult to be around women because I get so jealous over the infertility stuff.

I hope next week is better.

7:58 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

Oh Jamie, I am so sorry that you are so down. I just really hope you can get some of this resolved soon.

About your dad, send him a card in the mail with a giftcard to a restaurant. That way, you are not let down by his insensitivity, and you have taken care of the card, gift and dinner all in one shot. If he wants to use the gift card with you then it is his call. I'm sure that the fact it is all coming in the mail without a phone call, will let him know you are upset.

I'm sorry the witch showed. It may give you some hope though to be back at the doc, doing scans and being more aggressive. I know what it is like to feel as if you've hit a dead end.

Call me if you need me! If you need my # email me...

Jess

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Jan said...

De-lurking again to send hugs. The cover on the sanitary towel on my own latest CD1 had a printed message that told me that we weigh 3-8lbs more than normal at the start of our periods. That at least accounts for the weight thing - it made me feel better at the time. It was rather more useful than the message printed on the next one that told me that ovulation is when our ovaries release an egg. After 3 years of miscarriage and subfertility, I'm a bit further on than that news!

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Meg said...

Hi Jamie - stumbled onto your blog and wanted to say hi... ah, the drama of family and friendships - I just wrote a post about the exact same thing... I hope you feel beter soon. :)

5:50 AM  
Blogger goldmoon said...

I hope this week is better for you! That is a real dilemma with your dad. He did something very inconsiderate, yet I know it's hard for you to be inconsiderate back. Let us know how it turns out!

9:19 AM  
Blogger Crazy Me said...

Hey James, I know we don't talk a lot because we are both so busy but you can count me as one of your friends. I think the fact that we've known each other so many years and been through some really bad times together, heck ... you drove me to file my divorce papers for goodness sakes, should qualify me for a position as a friend!

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time but please don't forget that you are still the wonderful, beatiful, fantastic Jamie that sings like an angel and has an infectious laugh. Don't lose sight of who you are in all of this because you are a pretty amazing woman!

7:09 PM  

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