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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

cd 2

I am sorry that I haven't posted. I have no real excuses. I have just been feeling rather unhealthy (read- mentally) lately and haven't felt like posting. I am turning 35 in 2 weeks on the 7th. I don't have a child. My weight is up up up. I am coming up on my first due date... if I had not miscarried I would have a two year old baby on the 5th. I am having a difficult time at work... I think I am in a slump in my tenth year teaching. I am feeling very uncreative and untalented. I am basically just in an very unsatisfied place in my life. I am tired of blaming everything n the hormones...

I remember a time when I loved and looked forward to the holidays... now the thought of them just exhausts me. Everything this time of year is so kid-centered... and I never really noticed it until a couple of years ago... now just the thought of kids running around dressed as little princesses or vampires... or the sight of all the cutesy thanksgiving things at Pottery Barn... or the horror of walking through the mall and bursting into tears seeing the long line of irritated parents with their kids all decked out in their holiday best waiting to sit on Santa's lap... well it just sort of makes my heart sink.

I need something. And if it is not going to be a child then what is it going to be? I need something that will help me appreciate all that I have. A service project? Volunteering somewhere? I am not sure what it is... but I know that I have to find a new passion. I am tired of my life centering around trying to have a baby. I need something.

My doctor visit for my annual exam was fine.... I actually wrote "my annual doctor visit went fine" at first and then laughed... "annual doctor visit???" ha. Just the usual feet in stirrups type thing. Today is cd 2 and I will have an u/s tomorrow to find out if Oliver Cyst is gone or if I need another month of b/c pills. (The dr. said he could not feel any type of large cyst during the manual part of the exam... so either it is really high up or it as shrunk significantly). Once we have a green light the plan is still the clomid challenge (100 mg of clomid days 5-10 with lots of blood tests to look at egg reserve) and big old shots of hcg. The dr. is still convinced that if we can get a "good" cycle that we should have no problems getting pregnant. He even mentioned hoping for twins so I don't have to do all this again. He visit was very upbeat... and I appreciate that... but I am just not feeling it. I have de-ja-vu... like I have heard all this before... like I have already used up all my hope... like I am stuck.

I will try to post more. I am just not liking the whiny posts I keep writing. How boring.

Oh... and I started myself back on buspar for the anxiety and depression I have been feeling... so maybe I will perk up soon.

I am scared to turn 35.
They say bad things about getting pregnant after 35.
They say "advanced maternal age" and "downs syndrome" and "miscarriage" and "high risk".
I am scared.

There I said it.


Blogger Krista said...

Of course you are scared to turn 35. It's not just the scary things they say but also the ticking clock that you have been listening to for some time. Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you find something to get your passion back. And I hope that cyst is gone so you can get that perfect cycle that doctor has been waiting for.

5:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is still chance of a perfect cycle and a perfect baby. Age is just a number. Chin up hun. Prayers are coming your way!

6:30 AM  
Blogger ~r said...

When it rains, it pours, eh?

I worry about age also (I'm 31, but the years seem to be creeping by faster), for the very same reasons you've listed... but you know, I don't get the flip side of that: I'm not insanely hopeful and believing in rainbows and miracles just because I'm under 35 for now.

I've concluded that must mean that I should stop worrying over age - bad outcomes (and good ones) can happen at any age.

I hope this CD2 heralds the beginning of a better cycle, both for your reproduction and for all the other facets of life.

8:10 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I'm sorry that you are feeling the way that you are Jamie. I wish that there was something that I could say to make you feel differently, but I can't. I just hope that you know...I am here if you need me!

Take care and I hope to talk to you soon.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Hi Jamie,
I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I feel exactly the same. Who knew Halloween could be such a depressing holiday? It is all terribly exhausting. I have a question about buspar that you mentioned. I have been so depressed and full of anxiety lately and was wondering if maybe this could help. Is it safe to take while ttc? It would be so nice to have something to take some of the edge off while I am in this IF hell. Hope you feel better soon.

11:06 AM  
Blogger Millie said...

Birthdays and holidays and especially due dates are just so hard. If you aren't where you want to be, they're just additional reminders.

I remember when I went to my first RESOLVE conference years ago and everyone told me I was soooo young. I sure didn't feel it. I was about to turn 38.

Thinking of you.

9:18 AM  
Anonymous SusanG said...

I have been having sort of similar feelings...looking for something to add some meaning to my life. I have been thinking about big brother/big sister for a while. I haven't done it because I'm afraid I won't have what it takes. Anyway, maybe it's something you'd like?

9:24 AM  
Blogger Hope548 said...

I know how you feel. I've been completely fed up with it all lately too. Hang in there!

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just want to give you some encouragement. I let my career run my life. I remarried in 2003. I was 39. I know, Old! I had a beautiful son by Christmas. Our next baby died in the second trimester and the one after that I did miscarry but after a clomid challenge...getting one super doctor called it, I was able to get pregnant again. I am now 35 weeks and 43 years old. Yes, the losses were terrible, but I just feel in my heart you can do it. I am pulling for you every week. Every time I pull up your post, I am looking for that positive pg test...hang in ther.

4:10 AM  

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