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Friday, October 05, 2007

cd 36... aka... cd 1.

Updated to add... Friday -10:30 PM... talking to Mr. D.... shockingly big gush... ran to restroom... CD 1.

I am here... I am ok.

Thank you for all the kind words... it really feels nice to have so many of you out there for me when things get hard. Besides my husband, my mom, and my bff there are not any other people in my life who seem to understand how disappointing a failed iui cycle can be. So thank you.

It is cd 36 and I am still showing no signs of AF... I have retested... do we know it is a real BFN... so now we wait. After 8 months off the IF drugs my period had returned to normal and the who time without meds AF showed between cd 28 and 30. So that is frustrating. I am a little worried that I may have developed a big cyst again... since that has happened twice on clomid and I have had to go on bcp's to shrink it. So I would hope that AF shows normally in the next day or so so we can move on to iui #2.

Speaking of iui #2... the depression over not being pregnant is closely followed by the realization of the $800 - $1000 that has disappeared from my bank account. The morning after my BFN I walked around my house thinking about all the tangible things that I could have purchased with that money... things that I would still have. It is not because I would rather have "things" instead of a baby... it is because I feel like I just flushed the money down the toilet. I feel guilty about "losing" that money... in addition to the thousands... probably close to the tens of thousands that I have spent on treatments that our insurance doesn't cover over the past 5 years. I know it is not about the money when you are finally holding your baby... I am just telling you the cycle I have been in the past week. Just feeling irresponsible with money and feeling wasteful. Does everyone have these feelings?

I must add in now that I am so grateful that we have a lifestyle that allows us to have the extra money to try iui with... but we don't have so much money that it doesn't hurt to lose it. It wasn't money that took food off our table or forced us to lose a car or a house... it is from and inheritance that we recently received. An amount of money that could change our lives significantly if we were not looking at spending it all (plus some) on fertility treatments or adoption. Although this money has come at a great time for us... a time where we actually may spend it to get our family... it also makes me angry at myself that this money has to be scrimped and saved to pay for something that most women's bodies (especially meth and crack addicts and teenagers) seem to do for free. Feeling the loss of this money after one iui cycle sort of confirms that I don't know if ivf is for me. I just don't know if I can "roll the dice" on $10,000 - $12,000. Even having access to the money to do ivf doesn't make it any easier to consider taking that step... and it is not "just" the money thing... there is more that I am not sure of... but spending the money on a failed iui cycle would make me feel guilty that I blew money that my husband and I could use to make our lives better... that adoption might be a better path for us... because you actually get a baby at the end of the road... even if it is a $20,000 road. I just can imagine how I would feel after 2 failed ivf's and after blowing through a lot of money and having nothing left.

Some people might think this post is selfish... that you should be willing to do anything to have your own biological baby... But I feel it is selfish to blow money on something that has a less than 50% guarantee that you will actually get a baby in return. Would you be able to walk into a car dealership with money, hand it to them, and have a 50% chance that you will actually get a car? I don't know... these are just random things that are rattling around in my head while waiting for AF after my first failed iui.

I have a lot of thinking to do.
Thanks again for being there for me.


Blogger Fertilize Me said...

AMEN!! We feel EXACTLY ....( well ok i don't completely know how your exactly feel) but from your post i AGREE 1000000%. Guilt of wasted money (i throw in time and emotions as well)I am fearful of what my mind will do to me if we have to come to grips with IVF. I say the same thing about adoption ... these are my posts. and I bet If you look back at my posts, you can see them verbatum. I am hoping that you have no cysts and IUI#2 is around the corner

5:33 AM  
Blogger Bea said...

You know, I don't think you're selfish - I'm sure you would spend $20k on your child in a heartbeat. Spending $20k on the idea of your child is another matter entirely.


5:35 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

You are not selfish at all. I sympathize with you 100%. We spent $2000 on our last cycle and the sick feeling of all the money being flushed down the toilet only makes that disappointment of the BFN that much worse. That feeling is something fertile friends will NEVER understand. I have thoughts every day about how husband and I will be just fine on our own for the rest of our lives and a baby is just an unnecessary bonus so why the hell are we doing this? We could be traveling, living, dining out at the finest restaurants, but instead we are sitting at home on Friday nights watching TV because we don't want to spend any more money. This infertility drains emotionally and financially in the worst way.

6:19 AM  
Blogger This Is Not The Life I Ordered said...

I have been a lurker on your blog for quite some time,and I have to say that I too was really hoping for you this time around.

I am currently trying for baby #2, so I won't even pretend to know what you are feeling. I will say that my girl is 5 and I am starting to seriously try for another. I worry about secondary infertility all the time, as I am 6 years older this time around, and our few attempts so far have resulted in nothing.

Hang in there, and never give up on your dream. I really believe that good things happen to good people (sometimes it just takes a while)

7:54 AM  
Blogger Leigh said...

I feel EXACTLY the same!!! Especially about having to pay for something most people don't even have to think about and it happens for then.

My friend says other people pop them out like Smarties :)

8:54 AM  
Blogger Hekateris said...

I completely understand. And no, you're absolutely not being selfish, these are important things to think and talk about. People say money isn't everything, but that's frequently easier said than done.

Birch and Maple

9:26 AM  
Blogger Heather W. said...

Not a selfish post at all!! Totally understandable, imo. Best of luck with IUI number 2. Until then, hang in there.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

I think it's actually very responsible to be thinking what is the best way to use your dollars to get to a baby- whether that be through ivf or a baby. There are a lot of things to weigh with ivf even without the huge financial aspect of it.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

If they said, give us $100K and we will give you a biological child...I would set up a payment plan today. But, this is a lot of money for just a CHANCE at a baby and that is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

I think of vacations we could take or things we could help our aging parents with. Or the fact that we won't be able to pay for our child(ren) to go to college because we spent that money trying to conceive them...

2:40 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Like Heather said, it isn't the money that's the problem. We would do or pay anything and get into all sorts of debt for the guarantee of a baby. It's the fact that you aren't getting a baby from the money that smarts. Boy, do I get that.

I am glad that you doing all right, although just going through a BFN myself, I know that it is a sad thing. A sad, sad thing. And sometimes the progesterone delays my period, so maybe it's doing the same for you. Here's to a good cycle for us both next time around!

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish that all of these decisions were so easy to make but they are not. It's hard not to think about all the negatives and only look at the positives. Of course working out what the positives are is also clouded. It's hard and it sux big time! When I recently lost the baby after FINALLY getting pregnant after 6 years of trying and 2 failed I.U.I's, I mean getting pregnant on my own was a miracle! I wonder what the F--- is going on. I guess I don't even know what I am trying to say here but that I do know sort of where your coming from. I have wished for so long I could adopt, maybe you will adopt or maybe you won't. I know I should be thankful and I certainly am for having A.J but I will always want another. I just want you to have ONE...One would make me so happy for you and of course would make you so happy. The long and stressful rollercoaster you have been on deserves a positive result no matter what decision you go with, be it I.U.I. I.V.F or adoption or even a miracle naturally. I am always wishing, hoping and praying for you... I know you will do what is best for you no matter what happens.
Hugs'n'luv from me to you.

7:22 PM  
Blogger Kim and Russ said...

I'm so sorry the IUI didn't work. This is my first time commenting on your blog. I totally understand how you feel right now. My dh and I tried for 5 years, many tests, 6 IUI's, and 4 IVF's later, we finally conceived our dd. She is 4 now, so we've been ttc #2 for over 3 years. Now we looking into adoption for the same reasons you mentioned. I just can't see spending $10-20k on a "chance" when we could adopt and get a baby "for sure."

I think I found your blog from Christy's Mia blog. She and I live in the same town (RC) in CA.

I haven't read your entire blog/archives so I'm not sure which tests you have had done, but wanted to ask if you or your dh had chromosome analysis testing (dna) My dh has a chromosome disorder that is the cause of our infertility. It is called Robertsonian Translocation Disorder of 13 and 14.

Please email me if you would like to know more info.

I pray that you get your cycle back on track and have success with IUI #2.


7:33 PM  
Blogger Mike and Patti Price said...

I am so sorry. I do not think you sound selfish at all. Bea nailed it right on. I have been crossing my fingers for you for years as I have read your blog and I will keep hoping for you.

10:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think you are selfish at all. It is a large leap to take without knowing that the ends will even justify the means. I can not offer any good advice on this for you b/c money for us is not an option at all. We simply don't have it to spend but i can say that whatever you decide it will be your decision and no one else's. It is up to you to decide how it would be best spent whether that be on trying to start a family or not is your decision alone and I wouldn't let what anyone else thinks sway you in your choices. You will make the best choice for you and that is all that counts.

6:32 AM  
Blogger wanttobeamom said...

Just to echo what others have said, I think the struggle you are feeling is very understandable. It IS a lot of money, especially without a guarantee. I wish you some peace in your discernment as you and your dh try to decide what is best for your family.

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Though I wish af had not arrived I am glad that the lateness of it showing was not the result of cysts. Sending you hugs and hoping that it is as pain free as possible.
Luv Lesley

10:46 PM  
Blogger Hira said...

You are not selfish. You wrote whats not only in your mind , but on the minds of many women who are hoping for a miracle child of their own. Don't give up trying cos this IUF failed. Theres a story abt a guy who believed that if he dug a specific spot he will find priceless gold. He dug for days, months and years. But he din find the gold. He gave up and left.But infact, if he had just tried for another 2 more hours, he would have found the gold.

My point is, you may be closer to have that baby in your arms than you think. Don't lose faith. You got pregant twice on your own. If you were given two chances to be a mom, i m confident and very sure you will be a mum soon. I m sure the money can be used to get things you need. But this effort of yours is worth the money.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

I completely understand, with the treatments before our IVF, (all the Clomid,U/S and IUIs that weren't covered) I felt like we were just throwing money away. I hated my body and I hated the fact that it was also taking money out of our bank account.
Being honest, I never felt that way about the IVF, even when I was very sure it didn't work, I was afraid of spending more money, "staying up, not sleeping afraid" but I don't think for us it was ever a question that we would try again. The money was less important than the child we imagined. Although I know after a 2nd BFN we would have taken pause. Thought it over.
It's a big decision sweetie and your heart has to be there, I am just hoping that IUI #2 brings a lot more success. I'll be thinking of you.

5:35 AM  

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