Now... to add to the fact that I am a horrible person for adopting in the first place I am now even worse for actually naming our baby before she arrives...
Are you kidding me? So this is another thing that I am supposed to "not do" since I will not be the biological mother of this child. I am "erasing" her true identity... I am "running out to the BabyMart" to pick out a baby that fits my needs... And by specifying a preference toward a girl (who will most likely be our only child) I am less sensitive, less humane, less of a mother...
I have done all that I know to do... I do not agree with those of you who have appeared on this blog (thanks to "Myst" and her previous blog post about what a horrible person I am) to question my decisions to become a mother. I have tried to explain myself... to plead my case... to show you into my heart and let you now that no matter how screwed up the system is that I am one of the "good guys" who actually care about the birthmothers feelings, rights and emotional well being... but some of you are so bitter, so jaded and so hurt that you can't see that even in a flawed system there can be good decent trustworthy people with good intentions and values.
The fact is.. as many people in my corner have said... that there are children being placed for adoption everyday... there are people in this world who should not or can not parent a child... and I am willing to stand in that gap. To parent a child that I did not birth. To give a home to an infant who otherwise may not have a safe, warm and loving place to grow up.
So even though there is "no such thing as a reputable adoption agency" I am signed with one that I feel is doing the best they can in difficult situations... That has been the story of my life for the past 7 years "doing the best I can in a difficult situation."
posted by Mrs. D. @ 12/30/2009 05:11:00 PM
50 Comments:
So, so ridiculous that you have to defend yourself on YOUR own blog. This should be a place where you can vent honestly without being judged. Maybe those that are so damn judgmental should just stay away. Maybe find something more productive to do with their time?! Sheesh.
Best of luck to you! I'll continue to follow and cheer you and Finley on!
I've been following your site, for some time now. You are so brave. I had feared that you were going to go private. Keep up the good work, and God Bless.
Just wanted to lend some support to you. I pray that your little girl finds her way home to you very, very soon.
I am sorry there are people who feel they need to judge you! I can't wait to see the day your blog is about your sweet little lady. That is all that matters!
Mate, I'd just delete them. They don't get it, they're not being helpful or compassionate. They're not adding to the conversation, you don't need them to tell you that what you're trying to do is okay.
Seriously, I NEVER said you were a horrible person. If that is what you want to take from it then you are more closed minded than I thought. You prove to everyone who disagrees with you how correct we are.
I have been empathetic etc but I can't be bothered. I don't agree with you and I feel even mroe strongly now that you are going about this the wrong way. Read into my posts what you will but thta is YOUR CHOICE. Do not put words in my mouth (or in my hand) that I did not utter.
If you are referring to my post on my blog, that post was originaly nothing to do with you. I happened to read your blog following posting and felt it backed up some of what I had been saying so please do not jump the gun and make things up that are not true. It doesn't help anyone. The link to your post was added later. Oh and Hi to all the readers who have visited me lately from here :)
I'm so sorry that you are getting slammed. I found your blog when I was having problems conceiving and have followed it for the last couple of years. I hope that 2010 finally finds Finley close to your arms as she is to your heart.
FWIW, I had decided my DD's name before she was born. So I don't see how that's any different from what you're doing...
Just remind yourself that none of these comments will matter once you are holding her.
The first time I came into contact with your blog was in 2006 while pregnant, and at 18 weeks an ultrasound revealed something in the fetus that could affect its survival. I was desperate and looking for support, when I found your "I hate pregnant women" post. I could identify with a lot of your feelings. I've been following you and praying for you since then. When you announced your decision of going for adoption I was happy for you, put the whole baby girl thing made me puzzled. Why would someone that wrote so much about her despair for not being a mom reduce her chances by 50% on account of gender? I shrugged, it's your decision, but that was it.
The past posts, and reading from other people that were adopted, got me thinking a lot. I've been struggling for a long time on write this or not, since I know in the end it really does not matter, this is not my life. But I have to say it bothers me now that I my son is almost 3, and that I've grown to know him and his personality as a human being more and more I understand why this gender thing bothers me so much. So I tell you, and also obviously you don't have to explain your decision, but this whole baby girl thing is indeed bullshit. You know why? If you were to be blessed today with being pregnant, and at your 20 week ultrasound you found out you were carrying a boy would you say "No thanks, take it out, I'll pass 'cause we want Finley"? Of course not! But this baby boy would be YOURS. So you could love YOUR baby boy, but not an adopted one. So it got me thinking that this whole "adoption is a beautiful thing" is really not so beautiful The endless posts you have on this unconditional love for this child it got me thinking it's conditional on a LOT of things: it HAS to be an infant, it HAS to be your ethnicity, AND it HAS to be a girl. THEN you'll love this child "unconditionally". I can see why the ethnicity is important, I've always thought international adoption is fishy because you're taking a child from its cultural background and it becomes visible from miles that the kid is adopted.
There's also a lot of talk of God and destiny, but honestly how can God operate in one's life when you have it all designed? You have everything up to the car seat. What if God's plan is that you'll not be a mother? Could you live with that? Can one honestly live with something that is so contrary to what one wants? Also it does not matter if you read all books in this world about parenting and adoption. No one will ever be prepared to be a parent, after knowing and reading other adoptees account even the good ones you know that no matter what you do this child will suffer in the future. This love thing is totally overrated too... One thing you learn as a parent really quickly is that no matter how much you love your child your love, unfortunately, cannot and will not fix everything. I bet your mother suffers beyond belief with your pain, and although the support may be good this is YOUR pain, and not your mother's love, not your husband's or anyone can take it away. So what people have been trying to tell you is that even if you know this intellectually only when you get there you'll actually get it. Again, this is your life and blog and you can say or do whatever you see fit, but the Internet is public, people have access, and we are not stupid. Some of your argument does not make sense, so be honest. BECAUSE you will adopt and not have a biological child your parameters are different, and there ARE a lot of conditions. On top of everything even if you get this girl you wish so much who's to say she IS girl? Bonno and Cher had a girl Chastity that now finally found peace living as a man because she is transgender... As a parent all bets are off, that's the only guarantee one has, the rest is just projection we (naturally) have. I honestly hope you find what you're looking for... God bless.
I had trouble posting my previous comment because of some HTML things and I had to cut a lot of things, so as I read I felt like some of it became unclear. I just want to clarify:
1. I am NOT attacking anyone. I don’t know you, but you SEEM to be a nice person.
2. No one can know for sure if one will be a good parent but it is clear you will try your best.
3. Children need homes, and adoption is a positive thing in the reality we all live in. If people had to take a test for a “parent license” probably humanity would be almost extinct. I think you and your husband will provide a wonderful home to whatever child ends up in your care. But DNA, biological connection and etc is very important, and a lot of people try to downplay this (very important) fact.
There are probably only about 5 people on Earth who are opposed to adoption, and they are all posting on your blog. So it may seem there is a lack of support for what you are doing, but that is just not the case. The overwhelming majority of people see adoption as a wonderful, noble way to build a family, that gives a home to a child in need.
Without adoption, thousands more children would be suck in foster care or orphanages. Obviously a loving permanent home is a much better place for them.
Rest assured that you are doing the right thing in providing a home for a child in need. Anyone who says otherwise has a screw loose.
Also, most people name their children before they are born, or go to the hospital with a short list of options. Nothing wrong with that! If the birth mother chooses a name and you want to use it but keep the names you chose, you could always add it as a second middle name.
As for the "girl" thing, I do wonder why you chose to limit the possibilities in this way. A short story: a close friend of mine was told after multiple ultrasounds she was having a girl (it was an ivf baby after multiple miscarriages, so they had a lot of ultrasounds). They painted the room pink, chose girls' names, pink car seat, girls clothes, the works! Guess what - they had a boy! While she was still in the hospital recovering from her c-section her husband, parents, in-laws, siblings, etc all set about changing pink to blue, painting, returning, and exchanging items so her son wouldn't only have tights, dresses, and bonnets to wear. It took them a few days to choose a new name. They adored their son and I can say they were not disappointed in the least by the sudden "change" in his gender. They love telling the funny story of their huge surprise.
I tell you this in case you decide it is not too late to change your mind about boys. They are so precious too.
Hugs to you and your husband.
This comment is specifically for Marcelli...
I can sort of appreciate your reasoning... which is why I am choosing to respond and as you to think of things a bit differently... so here goes...
When you were pregnant with you son you knew a lot of things about him... you knew his ethnicity, his medical history (passed from you and your husband), his possibilities of looking like the two of you, his possibilities of liing the same things you might like, his grandparents, his due date, and his possible medical issues. You probably prayed for his health and chatted about who he might look like. I am assuming you knew his gender at 20 weeks and probably saw a couple of ultra sound pictures of him in utero. You most assuradly prayed hard for his well being. You knew everything he had digested through the food you ate and that he would not be born addicted to drugs. You probably had a party to welcome him before his birth and showered him with gifts. I would venture to say you had a name or names picked out that you and your husband spent hours discussing. Even in the most scary parts of your pregnancy when you were worried about the health of you knew one thing.. this was your baby and no matter what you would love him, protect him and fight for him whether medically, physically or emotionally. These are just a few of the moments or things that you had with your son... even before he was born.
I have three things... I know that my child will be a girl, I know the name we will call her, and I now I will love her, protect her and fight for her whether medically, physically or emotionally. Everything else for me is a mystery for us. I am in the 82nd week of my "paper pregnancy"... the 21st month of waiting for the phone to ring that it is our turn... Can you really begrudge me for needing a couple of small facts to hold on to?
ps... we do NOT know Finley's ethnicity as previously stated by Mecelli... in fact probably one of he reasons we specified a girl is because we spent about a year looking into adopting from China... and only decided to try domestically when we found out the wait for China is at an all time high.
It's so strange to me that there is still such a divide between camps.
Myst, I did go over to your blog and read what you had to say. Much of what you said does indeed have merit but I kept coming back to the overwhelming feeling that if it wasn't for the angst of what happened with your daughter, it would have been something else that you would be focusing on. I feel for you and the sad/negative undertones that I picked up not related to the adoption fiasco. A little heavy on the victim/woe is me syndrome but I can empathize with most of it and am sorry for how things panned out for you.
I can't also help but think of the many people I've encountered in my almost 39 years that WISH they had been adopted instead of being raised with their bio family. There are crappy circumstances on either end of the spectrum and I think it is irresponsible to suggest that all a birth mother needs when she is contemplating putting her child up for adoption is a handout, counseling, etc. Can you not accept that there are TONS of children out there that are simply NOT wanted by the birth parents/birth grandparents/relatives at large? No amount of money, shelter, counseling is going to change the heart of some one that is not meant to parent and as much as you hate to see - it does exist! Sure there are many adoptions scams out there and just as many agencies that are only interested in the bottom line but let's not make blanket statements, shall we.
I have to admit that I too was a little skeptical with the whole gender chosen thing but then again, there are people who would shell out tons to ensure the gender that they desire and if you can choose and are willing to wait it out - why not?! I imagine at any time a call could have been put in to erase the gender preference but if she hasn't done that - what business is that of anyone else. I can't exactly knock it as I did my best to sway (naturally) for a girl with my last two pregnancies - I did in fact have two more boys (for a total of four) but I wouldn't have things any other way now that they're here. It doesn't change the fact that I had a certain idea in my head and my daughter would have loved a sister but twas not to be and we feel extremely fortunate every day. We too named all of our children in utero as well as bought gender specific things, I can't see the harm in that - to each his/her own is pretty much my motto about most things.
I would be bitter and anxious too if I had to wait as long as you have - do not apologize for your feelings - that's why they are YOURS!
Most of us are pulling and hoping for you.
Take care,
Jen
I don't think you are horrible for picking a name.
I just have a problem with the fact that you seem to think young women should be breed mares for infertile couples. I am shocked that you find it problematic that Grandmothers and extended family are actually offering help to young mothers parent rather than forcing them to relinquish their children.
I thought it took a village to raise a child. I guess that's not the case when there are people waiting to adopt.
And as I've said before, I am astounded that you think poor people don't deserve their children.
I'm sorry, but your view of the world smacks of Margaret Atwoods's "A Handmaid's Tale" and that book scared me. Truly.
And BTW, to those who can't believe you have to defend yourself on your own blog. This IS a blog, not a diary. You are putting out some very controversial statements on the INTERNET for the world to see. Personally, I would be surprised if people weren't challenging you.
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This is for Jen,
Haha, I love it when people see merit in what I have to say and then try to find a way to dismiss it.
As for judging me and saying you feel if it wasn't for my daughter I would be focussing on something else negatively, you are wrong. You have no idea who I am and what I write on my blog is just one part of me. I could say by YOUR comments here that you are this and that but I know you are just trying to support someone and so I forgive you your ignorance, hypocrisy and jibes.
I want to point out that any of the negativity and sadness you pick up is indeed thanks to adoption... and you would know that if you read much of my blog but I feel you are just trying to find something to grasp so to discredit me someway and so you do that by telling me I am a poor, unhappy little thing. That intrigued me as I feel you need to do this for your own sake, so you can dismiss what I have to say. What a battle with yourself that must be. As for writing me off as woe is me/victim... you are really looking for a box aren't you. Sorry, those are your projections and I don't fit into them so take them elsewhere.
By the way, as many people you find who wish they had been adopted, I could find who wish they hadn't been and more. Most people say this as they have no idea what adoption is about. My husband was one and then he met me and learned what adoption really was and says he is glad he wasn't because no matter how bad his parents were, they were still HIS family. Now he has my family and we do not have anything to do with his family but he agrees adoption is wrong as do many more.
As for only 5 people being against adoption, gees, some of you are so blind to the wider world outside your window and are so narrow minded I actually feel sorry for you. You have NO idea how many people are against adoption because you stick your heads in the sands. The tide is changing. More and more people in places of importance are seeing the damage of adoption and one day, it will see its final days just as slavery did. It might not be in my time but it will happen.
Happy New Year all!
Dear Mrs. D.
Thank you for the response, as I said this is your life, and I can appreciate you have your reasons. As I mentioned before this is not an attack, adoption can be a positive thing (I have many friends who adopted), and I think you and your husband will provide a wonderful environment to your kid. I also don't think that all the discussion, positive or negative, has been bad. This is a touchy issue, kids are after all (or should be) the most important thing in the world of a person that decides to care for one. To me was the math/probability issue of gender that did not, and now that I have a son, will never make sense.
What I am really trying to tell you, and actually in the hopes to bring you some comfort, is that no parent, biological or adopted, in the end "knows" much. All you said about things I knew about my son would be true if I knew all was fine. The reason why I identified with your post is that I had no idea if my son would be born at all. He had a vascular tumor on his liver. I called my mom for her to start praying. I cried until I tired. I read all I could on the Internet for the emergency appointment I had with a high risk specialist the following day. And then I put in Gods hands and I waited for many months until we were out of the woods. The doctors said there was a 50/50 chance of the tumor growing. If it grew it would be a 90% chance of him not surviving. I did have his name, a Brazilian tradition once you know the gender so you don't call the fetus "it". That was it, I held on to my faith one day at the time. I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks to check on the growth of the thing. I felt hopeless. My son was supposed to be "protected" inside of me, and yet something I had no control over could kill him.. He IS a blessing, the biggest blessing I've ever had since I too was in a bad marriage for a long time and had given up the idea of ever having a family... Then this year, out of the blue, a very "common" ovarian cyst burst in my abdomen while I was getting coffee with a friend at work. My "luck" was that it burst too close to a blood vessel and in less than a day I lost more than half of my blood supply and almost died. As I laid in the hospital bed with morphine in my veins I did not know if I would be around to raise my son. My point is, it seems you think biological parents have so much more to hang on to, so you found these seemingly important things for you to hang on also. The truth is that we don't have any warranties. I have only my faith. Now more than ever I live one day at the time, and I am having a tough time with panic attacks of not being around for my son. In the end because I believe in God (my husband is an atheist) I know that I have to let go and just be grateful for every day. I could go on forever on the things that did not go how I thought they would in this parenthood journey... Hold on to the fact you have what seems a wonderful husband, that you are a good person that MIGHT take care of a child. The rest, honestly I think is up for grabs, and that is NOT a bad thing. I hope the new year brings you more joy than you can possibly project.
Sorry that the truth hurts you so much Myst but I still stand by my opinion that a part of you enjoys having this "tragedy" on which to hang your hat.
Well, since Myst apparently isn't going to go away (or maybe she is, I don't know, I stopped reading her comments), perhaps it's time to move from Blogger to Wordpress or Typepad, someplace where you can password protect some posts.
Sucks for the general audience, but y'know what, some people just don't give a shit as to your opinion because all they want to do is convince you of their own.
And as for wanting a baby girl, here's the thing - we all have preferences (whether or not we speak them aloud) for sex (gender? I always confuse the two) but the crux of it is when you get that baby in your arms it doesn't freakin' matter. We wanted a girl and were oh, upset is too strong a word...surprised?...when we found out we were having a boy. I'll tell you, though, that once the Chieftain arrived - after a 9 year wait - well, we still can't imagine having a girl, although we'd love another baby, period. And as a bellydancer, I'd love to teach my little girl the dance.
The whole name thing? For fuck's sake, people, get the fuck over it.
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Jen, if it was the truth, that would be one thing but seeing as it is just your narrow minded view, it doesn't matter. I actually feel sad for you that you live in such a bubble where everyone has to agree with you. I will pray for you.
For Mrs D... look, I don't want to argue or fight with you. If you go back to my previous comments you will see I have been trying to disagree with you respectfully and as mentioned, I did NOT dedicate that post to you... that said, out of respect for you as a fellow human being, I am prepared to take the link away. I still stand by what I said but as your are in a place of hurt I am not wanting to cause more and I apologise if what I said came across as attacking. I simply disagree with you as you do with me. If you had been sitting in the same room as me as I typed this and half the other things, you would see there had never been any malice, only disbelief at what I was seeing.
Peace,
Myst
Hey Myst how about out of respect for your fellow human beings why not just leave this blog alone. The best way you can show that you have no malice is by going away, not commenting and not creating the storm you are currently contributing to. I am ashamed that you are a fellow Australian. you have your own blog and own opinions and Jamie has hers. Be the bigger person and stop crossing paths.
Hey Megan, In case you haven't noticed, this is a PUBLIC blog and therefore anyone can read it. I have been singled out in HER blog when there have been many, many more posters who have disagreed with what she has said... how do you think I found this place?? As for being an Aussie, maybe you should move to the USA as you are more like minded with THEM than most Aussies I know when it comes to adoption. If Jamie doesn't want me back here, maybe you all can leave MY blog alone and ME alone. Talk about a hypocritical bunch of people. You all gather here to bitch and carry on nastily and when someone calls you to account on your actions, you get all offended. Talk about a bunch of immature children. If a person cannot handle others disagreeing with them, then they shouldn't blog to the whole public. Jamie hasn't chosen to go private and so she is getting people who disagree with her and all you catty bunch can do is surround one person and get your claws out. Wow, shows how much empathy YOU have for your fellow human being doesn't it?
As long as you direct comments at me, I will respond. Duh!
No thanks on the prayers Myst - I'm all good here.
I almost hesitate to say this but since you continue playing the forever righteous and all knowing card, I will.
Bottom line, yes, you may have been a coerced to some extent to give up your daughter for adoption but at the end of the day, no one held a gun to your head. Take some accountability and responsibility.
I made plenty of mistakes when I was young, stupid and naive - the difference between you and me (are many, thank goodness) is I own my mistakes whether, I created them or or outside forces helped them along - they are mine and I accept them.
You made a mistake and I can understand that you are having a difficult time coming to terms with it. I will pray for you.
Jen
Actually Jen, you have no idea what you are talking about so I will let you have this one to make you feel better. As you were not there and I was, you have no qualifications whatsoever to comment on my story. I was lied to and only just recently discovered there was money that cahnged hands and fraudulent practises were employed to take my child so you have NO IDEA and NO CLUE what youa re talking about. You are a cold hearted person and I will definitely be praying for your heart to grow some warmth and compassion as currentloy you have no idea what these things are. Thank you, for you have completely proven how sick adoption is.
I really feel for all of you as you have no idea what this world is made of. You live in your sheltered little worlds and have grown lazy and heartless.
Jen, I get that you are trying to support your friend which is fine if you do it in a respectful manner but you have no idea what respect is. Personally attacking someone you do NOT know at all is a low blow. I never attacked Mrs D as a person, I did comment about what I was repulsed by based on her WORDS used.... that is different. i was very careful to do that. YOU on the other hand, have been immature, nasty and snide.
You will be in my prayers. I didn't realise how sad and miserable a person you are that you feel the need to dictate to someone about their story.
Touched a nerve there didn't I?
Happy New Year!
Jen
Not as much as you would like to think sweetheart.
Happy New Year to you too :)
You know Jen, if you loved your friend as much as you say you do, why are you continuing down this track? You throw out barbs, attack unnecessarily when I have already made it quite clear to Jamie that this is (or could be) over.
If I had a friend who continued on so stupidly I would ditch them pretty quickly as I would see they only cared about how much fun they were having trying to cause someone else pain. I feel sorry for Jamie that she has to contend with you... wow, you are so wrapped up in yourself and your need to cut me down you can't leave it all alone. Maybe you don't need prayer sweetheart, but an intervention.
Again, sorry Jamie. This is no longer about you. I really do want this over but if I am addressed I will respond. Ciao!
I'll bow out gracefully Myst, the drama is getting old.
Good luck to you and your family.
Mrs. D, I apologize for turning your blog into a battleground and I look forward to your good news in the near future!
Sincerely,
Jen
Discussion is always a good thing if thoughtful ideas a thrown around and provoke us to re- evaluate honestly our own beliefs. It is sad to see bickering, and lack of respect for one's pain, in this case both ways. Regardless of OPINION there are FACTS that won't change:
1. The internet IS public. Even if one has a blog where comments can be moderated once his or her thoughts are out there is for the world to see. People are losing jobs and being screened for posts and pictures they have around sites. One needs to really be on a bubble to think a blog is a "cozy" place to throw things around with no consequence (and I KNOW this is NOT the case on this blog since Mrs. D keeps going about her story regardless - which I find really positive). The only safe place for one's thoughts is one's head. Not even a diary, and I cite the "Diary of Anne Frank". I doubt she was thinking of a movie deal when she wrote that...
2. This is just out of genuine curiosity to Misty. I totally agree the best case scenario is for a child to be conceived WANTED and loved by her parents, and to be raised in a loving and caring family, EVEN if a poor one. If circumstances are not perfect the next best case scenario is for the kid to stay with biological family (even if it's a non traditional one, like a single mom or dad and with the help of family). But we all know that's not the case always. Fathers rape their kids, moms torture, abuse and kill too. There are plenty of disturbed people. If you remember the scandals of the orphanages in the 80's in Russia where babies where left weeks without human touch, crying alone and became completely dysfunctional people with no hope of cure. As a mom you certainly know that a lot of pathways in the brain need to formed in early childhood, and once that window is closed the human being is damaged forever. There was the case of the father that kept his daughter indoors with no speech for years. When the girl (a teenager I think) was finally rescued even though the eventually learned to emit sounds she never was able to articulate structured speech. The other day I was listening to NPR about the kids in the Polish orphanages that contracted HIV IN the orphanages (not from their moms), and no one knows how... They are now young adults with no prospect in life. One of the few "lucky" ones was adopted by an English lady that found out she had terminal cancer before completing adoption. Before she died she arranged for the boy to at least get out of that place. He said he thanks her and thinks about her everyday because most of his friends still in that hell. We all know I could go on forever on examples of one sad truth: that are horrible human beings, and some of these monsters procreate, and these Innocent kids don't have much of a chance in life. And there's also the plain and simple of story of a woman that gets pregnant, does NOT want to be a mom, but does not want to do an abortion. It's OK to not want to be a mom. I know a few people. Part of the problem there are so many bad parents is that I feel people procreate just because that's what people suppose to do... So, my question is, in your mind what is the proper way address the real needs of so many kids if adoption is not a good option?
3. Food for thought for Mrs. D. Just because a woman can conceive it does not need she can have more than one child... I'd give anything to have another one, but my husband and I cannot afford. I would have to make compromises in my son's life that I don't think is fair to him. Unless something really drastic happens (like winning the lottery) my son will be my only child, NOT by choice, but by life circumstances...
I'm so sorry for all the drama. Ugh. Here's hoping that 2010 is YOUR year. Crossing my fingers in France that you get your Finley soon!
I never cease to be amazed at the self-righteousness of others. I ventured over to Myst's blog (mainly to see wtf the hoopla was all about) and I was not stunned to see a shit load of religious posting to the side and a shit load of indignant naysaying and attention whoring. All of this led me to the following statements:
A. WTF do you care if she adopts? It isn'it the child you put up. You don't know her or anything about her so, therefore, you cannot and do not have the right to pass judgment and be a cyber bitch about her situation.
B. I agree with the previous post about your baggage. You need therapy. I am not being a bitch or being sarcastic either. If you have this much pent up emotion about YOUR situation that you feel it necessary to surf the net and attack the reproductively challenged you need medicated and counseled (and I do not mean religiously either).
C. I have followed her blog since she was still trying to get pregnant. It is sad as fuck and I envy her perserverance and strength. I had read and reread her posts regarding adopting and think that it is insanely heroic.
D. I work with at-risk high school kids and DAILY I see kids who should have been adopted. Kids who lack teh care needed, kids who are being cared for my 70 year old women who are incapable of providing the structure needed. I see kids bounce from house to house, that village you like to call it, and end up in foster care at 16 when most people are unwilling to adopt them. It is sad and I thank god that there are people out there who are willing to adopt. Willing to love someone that they don't have to, have no biological connection with.
In closing I want to offer up one nugget for thought: who died and made you the adoption police? Leave her alone and quit torturing someone who has already experienced so much pain on her journey into parenthood.
Ahhhh Mandie, do you know what hypocrisy is about? You and many of those here define that well. Who made YOU cyber police? Who made YOU the authority on all adoption cases? As has been pointed out by more than just myself, this blog is public. There were more than a few statements made that were mind boggling and very, very concerning to those of us affected by adoption and as such we gave our opinions. Since then, this blog and its comments have unleashed exactly the vitrol I blogged about in my post and so yet again, I thank you for proving those statements right. For a bunch of religious nuts, you sure swear alot. You defend her right to adopt another woman's baby and yet deny the right of others to stand up for our own rights. You choose what you want to be human about and yet you are so hyporitical you have blinded yourselves to the realities of adoption. You are not the only ones who have seen disadvantaged teens and what not but all people go through tough stuff in their lives. Adopters are not perfect people and wanting to be a parent does not automatically grant them the right to have someone else's if they find they can't. I have known many people who have been in this position and have decided to work WITH children instead. I am not saying the lady who wrote this blog is a terrible person for wanting a child. You are all so blind you cannot see what it is I'm saying. I get she wants to parent, I get she has been in pain from losses. I actually get that more than YOU could fathom but get down off your soap box for just a moment and see that band aids such as adoption DON'T work. For all the lovely happy clappy stories on adoption you know about, I can find ten more that are not. You see adoption damage doesn't stop at mother and baby. It reverberates down generations and I know many people, (far too many) away from the net where adoption has caused far reaching and devatsting consequences. Whatever you have to say, adoption is NOT natural, it is an institution created by adults FOR adults and has remained thus since its inception.
You can try to run me down as much as you like, try to trample on me and dig at me. That won't change the truth of what I say even if you are too blind to see the truth. That is your issue. As for needing therapy, recently I saw a psych who told me I am one of the most balanced people they have met. All diagnoses I received have now been UNdiagnosed by several professionals and they have asked me to go into Psychology myself which I cannot be bothered. As I said to Jen, you only know ONE part of my life and judge me on that. Only immature, close minded individuals do that and as such, you have my pity.
Marcelli,
Thank you for being so couteous. I have actually blogged about this. I have never advocated to keep children in abused situations but what we are talking about here is infant adoption. Mrs D is searching for an infant, not an abused child and so I have no idea why this is being asked.
Here in Australia, we have what is known as Permanent Care where children in these exact situations are removed permanently from their parents and placed into permanent care with a family. The difference between this and adoption is the child is never made another person's child legally. They keep their original birth certificate and in some cases, have ongoing contact with their natural parents dependant on the situation. The focus is very much on the child and not the adult, UNLIKE adoption which is totally about the adopter's desire to parent.
I question why this is even asked of me if my blog has been read properly. If anyone had actually bothered to read it with an open mind, they would see that I am not against children being removed from violent homes, I am not against infertile couples etc. Instead, many of you have skimmed what I say and taken what you want to rip me to shreds (not that you have achivieved anything by it).
If you wish to learn something by all means I am open to civil conversation but as witnessed here, most of you have been so content just to rip, tear and shred which is an eye opener in itself. There is no humanity here, no compassion or empathy and I worry about any child that comes into contact with humans so devoid of normal reactions.
Mrs. D...
I love your blog and really hope to hear good news of an adopted baby girl very soon. You are in my prayers.
Could some of you give Mrs. D a break? She's a pretty amazing chick to entertain all of your comments with a reply. I would have deleted half of these comments.
oh my goodness...stumbled upon your blog & had to see what you wrote that was so controversial but have yet to find anything.
And - any woman who induces lactation & pumps her milk for a child is a hero in my book. Way to go!
I am sad to see inflammatory exchanges about adoption, but I am not surprised. I don't think that Mrs. D is a bad person for wanting to parent, and I am hoping that her acerbic comments in the original post about lack of available babies were meant tongue-in-cheek.
I do want to mention, however, that as an adoptee raised by wonderful adoptive parents in a great home with every material advantage and all the love my adoptive parents could give, I suffered immense pain and loss on a daily basis. I was told by my aparents, therapists, and pretty much everyone around me for years that adoption had nothing to do with my pain and depression. In this vacuum of support and understanding, I internalized my unhappiness in psychologically detrimental ways that I am only now coming to terms with at the age 40. I am well educated, gainfully employed, mother to two lovely sons, and still this emptiness lurks inside of me. It is not about mere curiosity, but more like a severed limb.
Adoptees who speak out about this pain are told to put up and shut up, pretty much, as was evidenced by the comments in response to adoptee's comments on this blog. I found my natural mother this past year, and she wants absolutely no contact with me. That hurts in a way that anyone not raised by their natural families cannot understand, just as I cannot understand the pain of infertility.
My first mother probably wishes now that she had chosen abortion, and I must admit that in some ways, not having to deal with the pain and loss would have been the better thing, both for her and for me.
I wish Mrs. D well in her pursuit of happiness, but I do think it's incredibly important for her to read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier to get an idea of how she can best help any child she adopts. It's also important to come to terms with infertility so that the adopted child, who will know that he or she is the adoptive parents' second choice in parenting, isn't burdened with the parents' overtly expressed grief for the unbirthed children. My adoptive mother pretty much downplayed (and continues to downplay) DNA and biology because it is threatening to her sense of motherhood in her relationship to me. She will always be my mother, but there are things about me and my personality that I have learned are organic to my natural family. (I have a wonderful half-brother, with whom I am fortunate to be building a wonderful relationship.)
I must say that I find it incredibly rude and dismissive to say that there are only 5 people in the world who recognize that adoption comes with losses, for EVERYONE involved. I am sure that Mrs. D would rather have given birth to a child she carried inside her, just as an adopted child gravely misses and is traumatized by the loss at birth of the only person she has ever known, and just as many (I recognize not all) natural mothers would rather keep their children but are coerced into giving babies up for social, financial, or other reasons.
Adoption, like it or not, is run as a business, and "negative" feelings are bad for business. But that is no reason to mock or dismiss adoptees' feelings as crazy simply because they do not reinforce the stereotypes required to keep the adoption business going.
Oh for the LOVE! I'm saddened by the attacks on you. I dealt with infertility with my 1st and a different form of infertility with my 2nd. I chose to go with fertility treatments because that's what was right for ME. Yet I was criticized for not going the adoption route because I was told "there are so many kids who need a home." My point being you will never make everyone happy. And to those who have never had any sort of fertility issues can't begin to understand the choices that come from that. I've seen good adoptions and bad 1st hand in my family and within my close circle of friends. It is a flawed system, but so is welfare and taxes and capitalism etc. NOTHING is perfect. However there are good people who try to make a difference in these flawed system.
And as far as picking a gender or a name? So what. We had my 2 sons names picked out when my husband and I were dating, we also have a girls name picked out if we decide to go for a third. And as far as picking a girl, it's a PERSONAL decision. Just like circumcision or vaccination. You may not agree with it, but it's not yours to decide, it's what Jamie and her husband decided. If you were only going to ever have one child and you were given the option to choose the gender, you might be inclined to as well. Until you are in the position with the same exact circumstances you can't say how you would react.
Jamie, my thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope and pray you have a beautiful baby in your arms very soon. Try not to stress about those who challenge you, they obviously have some axe to grind somewhere, my advice is to delete and ignore. It is a public blog, but just as they have a choice not to read your blog you have a choice to delete and/or ignore their comments.
Isn't it strange that we all feel so comfortable advising you on your life and even HOW YOU HAVE YOUR CHLDREN!?
I guess that's what you ask for when you have a blog. Don't go private! I love reading your blog and can't wait until you get Finley!
Much loves.
Myst- Seeing as how you come here and ask questions and attack, but refuse to answer questions brought to you on your blog, why is it that you think that your behavior is ok? Had you not come here, people wouldn't have followed you to your blog. Why is it ok for you to do it, but not for others to do it back at you? As for adoption, my aunts adopted a baby that they had to wait until it was born to adopt. The reason was because if the baby came out white, the mom wanted it, and if it came out black, she didn't. She didn't know who the dad was. He came out black, and now we have a wonderful addition to our family. She (the birth mother) wouldn't even touch the baby once she saw what color he was. It's not all horror stories. Sometimes the Bio moms are as bad as you try to make the adopting moms out to be.
Well put UCL!
I was also thinking about the "selfish adoptive moms" that one of the naysayers went on on on about it (many of them having birthed children themselves.) And it occurred to me that the ultimate selfishness comes from bio moms. I mean, we're creating humans, where there were none, to meet our own selfish wants/needs right. So it would appear that adopting is at the very least a rung under that. Boy, am I selfish - I've been lucky (and selfish) enough to birth five children.
Also, I've been thinking about the "flawed" adoption system idea and yes, I agree that there are flaws there - big ones at times. But hello, did we forget that ALL organizations/systems on Earth are flawed because - wait for it - they are run by HUMANS and HUMANS are flawed! Shocking I know...
Doesn't make it right but there you have it - we do the best with what we've got and many times we fail. Sucks but tis true.
Keep on keepin' on Mrs. D!
Jen
Gees, you really care about this person whose blog this is don't you because you keep sending me messages despite the fact both she and I have made it clear she wants this over with. As I said to Jen, you are not a friend and have such a selfish agenda you are unabale to care for anyone else.
As for answering questions on my own blog, I have through previous posts. It is not up to me to show people where to look. You are coming to my blog, you do your own reading or are you too lazy for that?
As for the mother not wanting her child... she obvously had no counselling about this issue and of course being that she wanted to place for adoption, her "not touching the child" would have been encouraged.
When I first visited this blog, I didn't attack anyone, not even the writer. I responded to comments she made and I disagreed as many have, but never did I attack her as a person as she has felt and I have even apologised. Are you so blind in your hatred you cannot read what I actually wrote? I have not unleashed the blind nastiness some of those have here and all these have done is completely confirm why many people see adoption as sick; because it brings out the worst in humans. I will always engage in civil conversation as I have shown (even if you cannot see that) and I will if you ask me questions respsctfully but DO NOT expect to fling stones and have me just stand there and accept them. You are such a hypocrite. I have not been back here until you sent me a message today and I thought, out of respect for this blog's writers, her commenters had finally let it rest, but no. You are so full of your own agenda you choose to keep it going. How very sad.
Myst
Even though I had promised to myself and to Mrs. D - I'm going to have to renege on that, so sorry Mrs. D but this issue is making me batty with rage!
Myst, I do not believe or accept that you came to Mrs. D.'s blog to "educate" her on adoption and it's pros and cons with an open heart.. You came here to hurt her and to make her doubt her decisions and feelings. You have to know %100 that she is not going to all of a sudden withdraw her adoption paperwork and jump on your bandwagon, so with that in mind, please admit to it - you came here to injure because you are hurting and we are ALL very sorry for you and commiserate but please stop trying to act like you came here for any other reason. Because frankly, it's insulting. I would go as far as to bet my life that you are trolling many potential adoptive parents' sites and doling out your "education." If you really are the Christian that you say you are, please stop. If the potential parents have already made up their minds, filled out the million and one pieces of paperwork, opened their hearts to the idea of a non-bioglogical child, and blogged about it - they are committed and your "knowledge" is not going to change their minds - only hurt them. If this was your intent which I know it was - then kudos to you - mission accomplished!
Jen,
No, I will not admit to an accusation that is totally untrue and unfounded.
When I came here and read a statement Mrs D wrote I responded about how I felt about that statement. I don't go around looking for people to hurt unlike some of you and I am just amazed at the nastiness I have encountered here. Truly amazed. I have defended myself, as I am allowed to but you still can't let the issue go. It is sad you think of people in the way you do. Maybe you are the sort of person who likes to hurt others but I am not and have stated that here already and in my actions of removing the link so others don't come here and keep it going. As a member of a democracy I am allowed to disagree with someone's view on things as you all have with me. As I said, you are acting very hypocritically and have again proven this with yet another attack.
This is getting old Jen. If you can't behave like an adult, that is your issue. I disagree with her and you and most of you as you do with me. If you are such a mature person you would be able to let it go at that.
YOU CONTINUE TO MISS THE POINT!
You are the one that blogged about Mrs. D in the first place and not in a "Christian" tone I might add. Of course you have conveniently removed it so I am unable to site but rest assured, I remember.
I can't let it go because you continue to drag this out as well and act so smug and self-righteous, must I remind you that you keep returning as well?! You talk in circles extremely well though, so props to you on that. You never do address the topics that we address:
1) Women who under NO circumstances are interested in parenting - I know that you think that counseling is the panacea to it all - sorry, but you are totally wrong on this. And have we not already given out enough damn handouts - I'm sick to death of giving till it hurts but I still do it!
2) Do you not read the news? I suppose you've skipped over the stories of babies in toilets at the prom and babies in dumpsters behind crack hotels - lucky you that you've never heard of it.
3) I noticed how conveniently you didn't respond to my idea that bio mothers must be the most self of all - I mean we're creating humans that didn't exist until we wanted them too - how selfish!
I completely agree that I'm being a hypocrite when I said before that I was going to let it go, I said as much in my last comment. I'm just hoping that this can reach your heart and that you can leave these potential parents alone and let them experience what you have been blessed enough to experience. Easy to say, "I would NEVER adopt because it's evil when you have your own bio children - keep that in mind.
Jen, I have answered your questions but you yourself miss the point.
You just seem to come up with new ones all the time, new reasons to keep this ongoing. As I recall, Mrs D is applying to adopt a newborn, not a child in need of a home already so your point of drawing me out to react is actually moot. If you want to read about what I feel about these cases, please read my blog because I DO agree with removing children from abusive situations, I never said I didn't.
As for blogging about Mrs D, no I didn't as I have already stated. I blogged about a numerous amount of PAP's and adopters and the fact I find adoption is sick. A few days AFTER this post, I edited to add this blog because it was many that had a few comments I found repulsive and that one was about mothers choosing to parent their own children as being selfish. My blog post has only been changed by two or three lines so you can go and cite anything you want to. All I did was take out the link, the statement about mothers raising their children being selfish and why that repulsed me. The rest of my post remains unchanged because contrary to your belief, it was never written about Mrs D and as I have already stated (this is beginning to sound like a cracked record, if you could comprehend what I was saying I wouldn't need to go around in circles) I apologised to her. You just do not want to see that.
If these PAP's want to be left alone, don't blog. I get unwelcome guests all the time as well, it happens in blog land. Get over it.
You and your little gang have turned this into what is has become, I get messages and I respond. Why do you write TO me if you do not want a respones? Or do you relish the idea of attacking someone in the hope they won't defend themselves so you can feel better about yourself?
Please. Grow up already. If you want this over, it can be. It is your choice. If I get messages I will continue to respond. If I don't, I won't. Simple as that.
Hey Jamie. I was kinda bored after reading the 5th comment onwards. Lots of drama going on - so much that i had to yawn and take a break. Gosh why do you keep defending yourself on your blog?
Follow your heart woman and don't be tempted to defend your every sentence you type in your own blog. Having a baby - via your own womb, or through others is your own personal decision and do not defend it. Just go on with your life.
Remember - this blog is yours, and the decision to adopt a baby is yours. You own your kingdom - not others. Finley will come.
Btw - do you really read all these comments - esp the longer ones? Good for you if you did.
I have one more post coming out today about Myst's blog and then I will read her no more. Don't upset yourself by going there. She is in a lot of pain because of what happened to her and I will pray for her.
Also... in China, since they have the one child rule, that many couples will continually give their little girls up for adoption, until they finally have a boy. Who should take all those children?
I hope you bring your little girl home soon!
God bless!
Tracey, I am very sorry you are so blind to your own situation that you feel the need to go surfing other's blogs and try to tear them apart.
Ironic that you, an adopter did everything I was accused of and haven't done. Well good luck in your little pity party. Write about my blog as much as you like. I have an increase of traffic over there thanks to you and not all feel the same way you do. I feel sorry for your pain and the fact you feel the need to lash out at anyone who disagrees with you.
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