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Sunday, November 28, 2004

Burning Questions vol. 2

I only have one question this week...

Which is worse... Hearing that someone you don't really like is pregnant... or finding out that someone that you know and love is having a baby?

Both have happened to me this week.. in fact I have heard of 3 pregnancy announcements (not counting my "online buddies").

Everyone is pregnant for the holidays but me...

This week has sucked... I have cried a lot this week and just hate feeling this way at the holidays. I really am uninspired to do much of anything thing... including blog... but I would like to know your answer to my burning question...

Oh... my answer is terrible. I hurts more finding out someone I really care about is pregnant... because it gives me so much pain and guilt not to be able to feel happiness for them. I WANT to be happy.. I want to share in all the stories and the excitement... but the jealousy that I feel in the pit of my stomach eats it all away. I feel so worried that they will lose their pregnancy... even when they are doing fine and not worried. I feel like I know a secret that not many other people know... that just getting pregnant doesn't always mean you will be holding a baby in nine months... It is terrible to feel this way and to only imagine and fantasize about what joy it must be to have a healthy pregnancy and yet to feel like it it never going to happen for me. It is so selfish and self serving... I really want to feel differently... I even try to act differently hoping that I can trick myself into a new feeling... I act excited and happy and go out of my way to ask questions and smile... but it is not helping the hole in my heart... I just feel so... numb.

uuuugggghhhhh.. I hate myself.
What the fuck is wrong with me?

Update... Monday morning... 11/29
Add Julia Roberts to the celebrities that I have to hate now. ( She gave birth to her twins. She was due in January (same as me) and now she has two sweet babies to spoil just in time for Christmas! So... I guess I even hate it when people I don't know have babies! Oh... and she also named her babies reeeealy stupid names... Hazel and Phinnaeus! What is wrong with her???

Back to work today... Go in for blood work this afternoon and have another u/s on Friday to see if my ovaries have eggs or cysts...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a really tough call... I don't like it either way. And I have been getting these announcements all the time as well.

I think you're right about it being harder with friends, because then you have to worry about losing the friendship as well because it's much too hard to share in all the joyous details with them. Ooh but finding out someone you don't like is pregnant... especially if it's someone you have to see regularly, that's pretty bad, too. What am I saying? I hate seeing people on TV or strangers at the movie theater who are pregnant!

And I hate that I feel this way. It was so much fun when I was pregnant and I could giggle away with my pregnant with twins on the first try friend. Now I just comfort myself by knowing how hard it's going to be for her to care for them come March. How horrible is THAT?


12:42 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think it would be weird if you felt any other way. You've had such a difficult year, you're completely entitled to your feelings. Anyone who doesn't think so can suck it. But that's just my opinion...

12:45 PM  
Blogger Kath said...

Both upset me. It is worse if its a close friend as it means cutting them from my life for a while. Might sound drastic but seeing them is not worth the week of tears each night. Plus it just reinforces that everyone seems to have that perfect life and we have all the bad luck. We are like Dorian Greys picture.

BTW it is worse when you have friends that are trying and you just know, anyday, they will call and tell you their news. Or you will be invited to dinner and sit on your palms all night waiting for hte announcement.

The anxiety is hell. Your feelings are normal for people LIKE US. I wouldnt expect your freinds to understand.

worst is NOT KNOWING.

4:53 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

They both suck! I suppose if I have to choose, I would say that finding out that someone that you know and love is having a baby is worse.

If you don't like them, then you probably won't have to see them too often. However, if you are good friends with the person it really sucks! No matter how happy you want to be for them it is kind of hard too if every time you look at them they have that "glow".

You aren't a bad person for feeling the way that you do. Any of us that have been in this position know exactly how you feel. Anyone who hasn't been there, will not understand, but you already know that.

Just remember that we are here for you!

11:20 AM  
Blogger chris said...

I think it's worse when it's someone you like because you have to be around them, maybe even still want to be around them, but it's painful.

As for Julia Roberts, I keep thinking those names have got to be a joke and that she's going to come out any minute, laugh that horsey laugh of hers and say "just kidding, it's really Emma and Tyler." Actually, I've heard the name Phineas (sp) thrown around the playground lately. What are people thinking?

4:16 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

Honestly, I'm pretty equal opportunity on the hate scale with any pregnancy.

Someone here said the worst is not knowing. I think the worst is being tip-toed around and then feeling an idiot in the 'sensitive' way you're finally being told. Feels so childlike, which is a cruel irony.

8:46 PM  

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