Do I still believe?

After a day a Christmas shopping Mr. D . and I decided to stop on the way home and see a movie. We bought our tickets for THE INCREDIBLES but when we went in but it was MUCH to crowded and the only seats left were the front row... we decided to skip the movie and head on home. On our way out the door we ran into my friend M., her husband A. And their son T. Who is 20 months old. They were there to see the THE POLAR EXPRESS and it was T's first movie in a theatre... They invited us to join them and at first we said no.. But then I thought seeing T. and holding him might be really good for me... and I love the book THE POLAR EXPRESS so we went back in.

M. started out as my personal trainer in 2001... That is when Mr. D and I were first starting to "try" to get pregnant. We became really close friends and about 5 months into our friendship M. found out that she was pregnant. She and A. were already engaged and living together so they just moved up the weeding and in nine uneventful months they had T. The following summer when T. was 4 months old Mr. D and I were his "nannies" for the whole summer... M's hours were crazy (now she was working in a hospital as a dietician) and A. is a firefighter... So we had T. with us every couple of days and really learned for the firth time what it would be like to have a newborn. T. is the baby that made us KNOW that we wanted children and made us know that we could do it. At this time we were undergoing the first rounds of tests... sperm...OK... tubes... OK.... We had been trying for 2 years.

When T. was 7 months old... M. got pregnant again... This one was hard for me since all of out trying had been fruitless and M. was starting her 2nd pregnancy.... I didn't see here as much since she was very busy and had given up personal training. When I found out that I was pregnant in March M. was the first person I wanted to tell... but she was out of town in Chicago visiting family for 2 weeks and I wanted to wait and tell her in person.... but by the time she got back into town... I was miscarrying.

When I found out I was pregnant in June... I told her and we took T. out to celebrate. I went to an OB appointment with her and saw her 8 month old baby by u/s and held T. while we told him that I would be seeing my baby soon too... we had a great time... Three weeks later, on the day M. was having her second baby... I was miscarrying again.

M. hurt me a lot because she named her baby Grayson... the name that Mr. D. and I had picked out to name our baby if it was a boy. She said she didn't remember me telling her the name and forgot that it was "our" name... you know... I am not one who "claims" names.... There can be lots of Grayson's in this world and I don't care... I think it was the timing that bothered me the most. That was in July.

I didn't have the nerve to see Grayson until Halloween.... I was so scared that I would burst into tears... or that I would... I don't know... I just have been so fragile and so unpredictable... But on Halloween we planned that they would come to trick or treat at our house... T. was dressed as the cutest turtle ever and Grayson was a little 4 month old spider.... He looked exactly like T. did when we started babysitting him. There were no tears... only happy excited moments and I felt like I had jumped a huge huddle because.... I had held an infant and not cried, or freaked out, or burst into flames.... I deemed myself as OK.

So last night at the movies. T. sat on M.'s lap and loved the movie... he made train noises and clapped and bounced up and down when the reindeer lifted off... . I watched him the whole movie out of the corner of my eye. But suddenly... when as I was pointing out to Mr. D how T. was smiling and so excited to be at the movie..... I was overcome with a sense of sadness and loss like I had not known before. The Christmas music, the awe struck children in the packed movie theatre, the message of "just believe" was so over whelming to me that the tears were streaming down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away with the sleeve of my coat. It was the silent cry... The kind of cry you have late at night when you don't want to wake up your husband ... again... to comfort you. It is the alone cry. I tried so hard to hide it while Mr. D. rubbed my hand and held it tightly... More than anything I did not want M. to notice... I did not want to ruin their night... I did not want to be that sad, bitter, childless woman at Christmastime...

I had felt this cry coming for several days... putting up my Christmas tree, walking through the mall and seeing kids lined up to see Santa, walking through the holiday baby section of Nordstroms, browsing the children's books at the boookstore, having a cute toddler smile at me with a mouthful of cookie, seeing a sleeping baby pass by in a stroller, trying to choose a Christmas card that was fun and cute but that didn't look "childlike" to remind people that I am still childless... but I had convinced myself that I was OK. I am fine... I can do the holidays like I have done them all the other years... without a baby... I love the holidays... I love the wonder and joy and childlike innocence that it brings out in everyone... I can do this.

I am a believer... just like the kid in the Polar Express. I hear the bell... I always have. And just like the kid in the movie... this is a critical year for me. You see... when you have the year that I have had.. you can sort of stop believing. You can start to lose that hope that gets you through the RE visits... You can start to feel like a puzzle that's pieces are falling away ever so slowly... leaving less and less of you. Like things are missing... not new things like a baby... but pieces of you that are just not there anymore. I amlike the kid in the movie.. I am desperate to hear the tinkling of Santa's bell this year... more than ever. I need to believe... I need to know that by the end of the book it all turns out ok.

As the credits rolled my tears were under control. Under control until M. whispered... "are you ok?" I tried to blink away the hot tears but as someone once described on a blog they felt like they were coming out of every pore in my body... I was racked with quiet sobs. She hugged me as I quietly cried...as our husband pretended to watch the names on the screen roll by...

She whispered "I know this is why we haven't seen each other much lately... and it is ok... I understand... I am so sorry that you are going through this... I know you feel alone but I am here for you... I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes.. I can't even imagine how hard it is.. but you will get through it and I will be her for you."

As the lights came up we left the theatre. Everyone pretended that my eyes weren't almost swollen shut with that glassy watery weepy look. We all hugged and said goodbye and kissed on T.

Mr. D. held me close when we got in the car and the sobs began again... I told him that I was embarrassed and probably ruined their whole night. I told him I felt like a freak who can control her crying in public... I told him that I felt like a failure... I told him that I didn't think I could believe anymore. He shushed me and called me his "sweet baby honey pie" and turned on the radio where frank Sinatra was crooning "The Best is Yet to Come and won't it be grand... The Best is Yet to Come..."

We are choosing to take it as a sign...
because together we still do believe...