Recap cd 11

I had my cd 10 blood draw and u/s yesterday. My day 3 FSH was normal 6.5... they wanted it to be under 10. So now we are waiting to make sure this FSH is also normal. The u/s was weird... the u/s nurse said things like "oh you have nothing significant growing... well nothing over 12 and that is what we are expecting to see... You should have MUCH more than this on your high dose of clomid... it will be very interesting to see what your blood work says."

I was devastated.

10 minutes later when I saw the fertility nurse she said I looked fine... That I had several follies growing at 7, 8, 9, 11, & 12 and that we weren't expecting them to be huge or anything right now because we are "only" on day 10. I am to start my OPK's this weekend (even though we don't expect ovulation yet... I guess it is "just in case") and then go back for another u/s on Monday to see if any of then took off and became dominant. We are waiting for a mature folly 20 -22 and then we will do an hcg trigger.

So WTF? Is the nurse blowing smoke or was the u/s nurse (who does u/s every day all day long...) wrong to be so negative? It makes me really nervous about that FSH now.. and I was so excited that the first was was good... So... I am not exactly sure what to think.

My first RESOLVE meeting was last night There were 5 women and 1 spouse... 4 had miscarriages (3 of us multiple), 2 were in the middle of IVF, 1 was newly pregnant and really scared, and 1 had bad FSH numbers and was told that she is in early menopause at 35. Then there was me.

It was strange to tell your story in 5 or so minutes and realize how sad it sounds... or how clinical you make it... or how hopeful you can be... or how you just can't get through it without tears... And how all those feeling seem to cosmically line up with where you are in your cycle. I really enjoyed talking to everyone... it was the first time that I could talk with "real" people (not that you lovelies aren't "real" but you know what I mean) in my own abbreviated shorthand-speak and have everyone "get it".

I also realized as I talked.. that no matter how much therapy I have had, no matter how many self help books I have read, and no matter how much I have done to "deal with" this infertility stuff... I am still angry. I must've said the word angry about a gazillion times... (hopefully they don't think I am scary-angry-possible-baby-snatcher girl.) I am angry at so many things... fate, infertility, doctors, people who "don't get it", celebrities who obviously have fertility issues but don't talk about it, insurance companies, and people who say insensative things to me about infertility. I am angry that so many people can just get pregnant and have a baby like it is Frisian natural or something. I am angry that I feel broken and inadequate and that I have to go through such extrordinary measures to do something that "everyone else" seems to do with no problem. I am angry that I have to walk through this. I am angry at God.

There is a play that I have read about a man who loses a child and decided to write a letter of complaint to God.
He writes:

"Dear God,
Who the hell do you think you are?
~Charlie"

He feels bad for using such profanity with God and everyone tries to convince him that it is OK, he just said it because of the enormous pain he was under, and that God will understand. Then God writes back...

"Dear Charlie,
Who the hell do you think you are?
~God"

I know we all have things in our lives that we have to "get through". I know that. I also know there are people out there coping with much worse problems that I could even imagine. But this is still the hardest thing that I have ever had to walk through. It all just seems so unfair.

I really hope to see this group grow and I hope to meet more new friends that I can support through this... because after 4 years of very little "real" support... looking across the table at 5 other faces who knew the pain, bitterness, devastation, grief, fear, and worst of all the "hope rollercoaster" we ride every cycle. There was even a funny story about not holding the door for a pregnant woman with a stroller... Now that is a group that I can "get".