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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Could I love that child?

A strange phenomenon...

Maybe all waiting adoptive mothers do this...

I find my self staring at children all the time with one thought running through my mind... "Could I love that child?'

Sometimes it is easy... a sweet toddling baby girl with brown hair and green eyes that sort of could look like me... and I think "oh yes... she would be perfect! I'll take that one please!" Or a sleeping child... or a laughing one... Or a funny one... But then there are the others... the ones screaming in Costco with snot running down their faces... or the child throwing a temper tantrum for another cookie... or something as simple as a sweet child of another race that I know could never "visually" be thought of by strangers as "mine". And all the while I am staring... thinking "Could I love that child?"

I see kids all the time that I think "whew... I would hate to be that mom". What if I turn out to be that mom with THAT kid??? What if I ours turns out to be like the girl in "The Bad Seed"? Or Damien in "The Omen"... Or Erkle????

Honestly, I guess I am just worried that we won't "click". That my baby will "know" that I am not her bio mom and resent me... that she will be so different.. or difficult... just so something that I won't completely fall in love with her. I am scared sometimes that I will feel like I am babysitting instead of being a mom.

I hope that is this a normal fear. That all adoptive mothers ( and maybe bio mothers too) worry about. I just want to fall so in love with my baby when she is put in my arms and I want so desperately to know that she is "my" baby.

I think about her all the time... I try to see her in all of the other children that I come across... I am looking for her all the time. I try to imagine what she will look like and I think about the day when we will pick her up from the adoption agency and our drive home.

I have seen a couple of episodes of "Bringing Home Baby" on TLC... it is a reality show about the first 36 hours home with a newborn. One thing they always show are the families coming in and saying "oh she looks just like you!" Or the mother gazing at the baby saying "I love her so much... I can't believe we made her". Will I miss that? It always makes me cringe now... feeling like I will look at her and see someone totally unfamiliar. That she will be a total stranger to me... her mother. I am developing new concerns about adoption that i never even thought of... I always thought you worried that the baby wouldn't attach to you... but will I attach to the baby???

"Could I love that child?"

(please please please.. tell me I am normal...)

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Sunday, July 06, 2008

More stuff!!!

I have been in Houston for the 4th! I was excited to see my husband after 2 weeks and spend 2 1/2 days together!

Yesterday, while Mr. D. was in rehearsal, I was alone window shopping in Pottery Barn Kids... I was totally having a great time and then I think I started to have a mini-panic attack. My heart was fluttering and I left the store and had to walk around a "real store" (Ann Taylor Loft) to make myself feel better. To my major surprise I look up and see Mr. D. walking towards me... his rehearsal had let our early and he saw my car at PBK! So he was there at the end of my freak out and told me with a smaile that I had better "pull it together" 'cause this is for keeps!

Is this normal? Am I panicking because of our baby... or the fact I still feel pretty "fake" about the whole thing... or is it because Pottery Barn Kids is so freaking expensive and I know I will never be able to give our daughter "everything" we want her to have?

I am going to stick to window shopping at Target for the next week or two.

Mr. D. told me this morning that he dreamed we got "the call". He said that we were there at the hotel in Houston and got "the call" to come get our daughter. We were calling all of our friends and family to tell them we got "the call". He also said that he dreamed we were going to name her Katherine and call her Kate. I asked him if he wanted to name her that for real and was relived when he said no. Katherine is pretty... but we already have a name we have picked out!

Add this to my dream that the baby was her. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought for a minute she was in a bassinet next to the sofa in the hotel. After a momentary freak out I woke up more and realized there was no baby yet and the bassinet was just a laundry basket!

I have major baby brain!

Today we also got a statement from our agency for the next payment installment and the completed approved homestudy! Wow... I think I am feeling a little freak-out-ish.

I drove back home from Houston this afternoon.... I have several more days of teaching camp before I go back to Houston on the 14th for opening night.

That is the cliff notes version of my life right now... I will post more soon!

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