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Sunday, October 31, 2004

My D. carved this pumpkin!!! We are Disney freaks and so he made me a Snow White jack-o-lantern! Happy Halloween!!! Posted by Hello

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Happy Halloween!!! My scary self portrait on a carved pumpkin!!!! I did it at a pumpkin carving party with a bunch of friends... all by myself!!! (well.. I used a template!)  Posted by Hello

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Friday, October 29, 2004

My Promise

Thanksgiving Day 2000

After 5 years together Mr. D popped the question at the DisneyWorld wedding beach... we were alone (I knew what was coming) and he was so sweet.... We sent our our engagement announcement instead of Christmas cards... It was a Disney card with a raggedy Cinderella sitting on a throne with the one glass slipper on her foot...
it said:

Announcing the Engagement of
Jamie & (Mr. D.)
The air was filled with magic and love...
as he knelt and proposed
under the DisneyWorld stars.
We would like to wish you a joyous holiday season
and the most enchanted 2001!

The ring was so special because it was the ring my Dad gave my Mom... They were married for 20 years and after they divorced my mom wanted me to have it. Even though my parents are no longer together it represents so much of my childhood spent starring at that ring... trying it on... and wanting to be a bride. It also keeps both of my parents very close to me... even though they live far away. Mr. D. KNEW that this was the perfect way to propose and the perfect ring for me to wear each day to symbolize the promise we made on our wedding day.

Our Wedding Day ~ December 23, 2001
The most magical Christmas wedding you could imagine! Complete with Christmas carolers, a Victorian house, everyone singing, an all dessert reception... and most of all... the most romantic evening of my life....

The words Mr. D said to me that night in front of out closest family and friend as we both had tears in our eyes were truly magical... I knew that this was the right thing... I knew that this was the man that would be there for me through everything... I knew that he would love me no matter what....I knew that we would be together for the rest of our lives...

We are so blessed in our lives and we ARE living...
Happily Ever After....

with or without baby.

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My beautiful wedding ring.... I love you Mr. D. Posted by Hello

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Thursday, October 28, 2004

Blogland's Top Models

Don't forget to check out the rocks on Saturday in
The First Annual Infertile Bloggirl Engagement / Wedding Ring Fashion Show!

Presented in tribute to our loving husbands who are keeping the promise to stick with us no matter what... even the yucky stuff.

***I did think of cancelling the fashion show because of all the sadness in Blogland this week... but I hope that we can still take the time to honor and thank the wonderful men in our lives for being there for us... Just reading Cecily's husband Charlie's post today made me KNOW how much our partners shoulder our load and hold us up when we can't stand alone...

(In true theatre teacher style...)
On with the show....

Emily -

JJ -

Sherry -

Lala -

Jen P. -

Toni -

Ollie -

Kath -

Karen -

Jen -

*** It is not to late to decide to participate... just let us know where you are in the comments below and we will come read all the mushy stuff about your hubby!
(and check out the jewels!!!)

***** Hey... not having a digital camera shouldn't keep you from writing about your beautiful ring!!!! (We do have imaginations you know!) I just want everyone to have the chance to join in the fun!

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Tuesday, October 26, 2004


FASHION SHOW NEWS... Don't forget to check out the fashion show post below. So far we have about 10 of Blogland's top models showing off their rings in tribute to our wonderful hubby's. I hated to "bump" that post so soon... but I have a MAJOR post to add to my "WHAT THE FUCK" category.... So FASHION SHOW... don't forget... and now....


Ok... so you know that I teach advanced theatre and technical theatre and some times I have to do death defying feats to not put my students in danger like climbing 30 foot ladders to change a light... like yesterday... I got a FRANTIC.... and I mean TOTALLY FUCKING FRANTIC call from the choir teacher. There were lights out in the auditorium catwalk and he had a concert that night and could I "pweeease" go up to the "cats" and help change them. We are not "exactly" supposed to go up there... we are supposed to ask a district electrician to do it... but that requires PLANNING and ORGANIZATION (neither of which this particular choir teacher has much of)... so up I went...

I had to "break into" the area by climbing the 12 foot ladder to the landing and then climbing through the "tube ladder" up another 20-30 feet... no problem. Then I broke in to the padlock with the skill of a catburgler by removing the screws from the back of the lock and balancing on just my feet because it took both hands... After that I belly crawled in with the choir teacher in tow to get to the 2nd and 3rd landing where the lights are hung... He was right... only 4 or the 17 were working and now I had an hour to figure of why... I messed with VERY HOT electrical stuff for one very sweaty hour and got 14 of the 17 on and working.... Then started the backward belly crawl to get out. I was descending the 20 foot tube (after putting the lock back together to cover my tracks when the choir teacher and I had the following conversation... (by this time his ass is on the ground and he is looking up at me descending the ladder...)

HIM: I want you to know how much I appreciate you doing this for us.. it is so ridiculous that we have to do this... I mean I was desperate... ya know... and you (here is the kicker) doing this "in your condition..."

ME: (topped dead in my tracks...) Um.. what....

Him: Aren't you pregnant? Oh... wait... no... I'm sorry... that was insensitive... I uh... I mean... I thought....

ME: Nope.. I am not pregnant... wish I was... (reaching the ground and trying not tolook him in the f-ing face!)

OK... So... This guy KNEW that I had a m/c in March... and he KNOWS that I had another one during the summer and was seeing a doctor in August to figure out why....

So did he:

A. Forget that I wasn't pregnant.... uhm... I don't LOOK like someone who is 9 or 7 months pregnant.... I mean I am a size 8-10 with a very flat "non-pregnant" tummy.

B. Did he "HEAR" that I was pregnant again... some students WANT me to be pregnant really bad... because the know I am TTC and have had 1 m/c.. (they don't know about the 2nd...) If THIS is the case... I am mortified... there is nothing worse than a rumor that you are pregnant when you are not... Especially if you are a teacher...

C. Is this guy just a moron (ding ding ding... we have a winner)

So basically... go back and re-read the whole process I went through to change the lights out for this guy and imagine that he thought he was asking (begging) a PREGNANT woman who is a recurrent miscarrier to do this stuff.... Get a clue for you asshole... the minute I see two pink line I am not climbing a ladder for anyone... Especially an idiot like you.... Do you think I am a kamakazee???? Change your own f-ing lights! When I am pregnant... I probably won't get my ass out of my rolling desk chair for the whole nine months!



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Monday, October 25, 2004


To the First Annual Infertile Bloggirl ENGAGEMENT/ WEDDING RING FASHION SHOW!

This fashion show was inspired by an incredible post by our friend Emily at

In tribute to our husbands who don't care about our inability to "make babies" and love us unconditionally... I propose a Blogland engagement / wedding ring fashion show on our blogs! On Saturday October 30 post a picture of your ring... a beautiful symbol of the "UNBROKEN" promises that our husbands made to love us through anything... even infertility and miscarriage.

This fashion show is hosted by Jamie Elise ( and Emily (

Jamie will post a list of participants along with her photo on Friday for your viewing pleasure!Please post you name and blog address this week in the comment portion of this FASHION SHOW post!

*** Just a suggestion... if you don't have a digital camera... just borrow a picture from a jewelry store site.... it is more about the tribute... less about the ring!***

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Saturday, October 23, 2004

Christmas in October

Mr. D. and I had a garage sale today! It was kind of impromptu and we just got things together over the last 2 days. We didn't really have any big items... we purged a lot when we moved into our house last August and had a bigger yard sale last October... buy we still managed to make $147.00... And I didn't sale any of my pregnancy books and things that I acquired during my two (very brief) tries at pregnancy. I thought about it... but I left them uop in the attic hoping that I will be pulling them out someday again...

Then... I got a call from my very good (and gay) friend R. He and his mom and our other friend F. were headed over to the Fitz and Floyd store for the annual 70% off sale! Well... I LOVE Fitz and Floyd so Mr. D. and I headed over too. First we all met for lunch at Freebirds (yum) and then made it into the shop! IT WAS PACKED! Women were everywhere grabbing up the porcelain figurines and dinnerware and platters... mostly Christmas themed! I shopped for hours!

I bought:

The gorgeous "Old Fashioned Christmas" Platter - covered in toys, rocking horses, and snowmen... reg.. $100

The Halloween Bunnies figurines - a pumpkin and 2 bunnies dressed for Halloween (one as a bumble bee and one as a flower! ... reg.. $15.00

The Flurries Salt and pepper shakers (2 C-U-T-E snowmen feeding a tiny redbird)
(I got 2 pair... one for me and one for my mom for her B-day) reg. 36.00 x 2

The Yuletide Holiday Teapot (Shaped like a very funny looking Santa Claus!) reg. $61.00

A five piece silver serving set (beautiful... for my stepmom for Christmas...) reg. $50.00

PLUS... They were giving out free gifts so I got two adorable Halloween pumpkin mugs with little ghosts flying out of them... AND Two matching pumpkin ghost candle holders... (reg. $45!!!)

I got all of these treasure for $91.00!!! Can you believe that????

If you have no idea what the hell I am talking about then you can not imagine the girly girlness of buying these beautiful (and expensive) decorative items for such a bargain price!!!

I am actually so excited that I may bust out the digital camera just so I can show you!!!!

All in all... it was a pretty great Saturday!

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Fitz & Floyd Christmas in October! Posted by Hello

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Fitz & Floyd Halloween Goodies! Posted by Hello

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Thursday, October 21, 2004

My EDD...

There is something really bothering me...

My estimated due date was November 5, 2004...
That date is almost here and I can feel it looming over me...
I am not pregnant and I can't believe 9 months have gone by and I am still not having a baby...
I thought if only I could BE pregnant on this due date it just wouldn't hurt so badly...
I feel heart sick and alone and just sad...sad... sad...
Plus.. there seems to be a rash of meanness to unpregnant women on my PW message board and on some of the blogs that I read...
People announcing to the world that we un-pregnant women are just "to angry and bitter" and "THAT is why we are not pregnant"...

No one seems to remember that I am "supposed" to be 38 weeks pregnant right now.
I am "supposed" to have a beautiful nursery ready...
I am "supposed" to be scared for labor and delivery...
I am "supposed" to be a mommy in just a few days....
I am "supposed" to be... so much more...

Instead... two days before my 33 birthday won't be a special day...
There won't be stuffed animals and cards and balloons...
There won't be family visits and hugs...
There won't be a baby...
There won't be... anything...

How can I face that day?

The thing that breaks my heart the most... is that no one even remembers that this was supposed to be a special day... for everyone one else this pregnancy ended in March... So I am left alone in my vigil... to wait for November 5th and to remember the baby that I will never hold.

When I do round the corner of November 6th... I will have the second date to grieve...

January 29.

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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The last supper....

I am waiting for AF... My body is acting so weird this month... I KNOW that I am not pregnant because I have NO pregnancy symptoms... I don't even have PMS symptoms that masquerade as pregnancy symptoms... I got nothing..

I am also dreaming of getting BFP's... I have had dreams the last 2 nights about the thrill of getting a BFP on a HPT. The one last night was the weirdest... I was having a huge party but I didn't know anyone there. There was a girl there with "prescription" HPT's... (don't really exist). I saw them in her bag and STOLE them from her.... OMG... They were these Kotex type things that you have to pee on and it tells you if you are pregnant... Any way.. I got a BFP!!!! In my dreams....

So now my maternal dreams of chubby fat toddlers or Mr. D holding our newborn in his arms have been reduced to me peeing on sticks in my dreams... like THAT is the ultimate moment... I am afraid to even think of what may come after the BFP... Am I forgetting that the really goal is a family.. not just a pregnancy??? How sad is that?

Last night Mr. D and I went to a "dinner party" HA! It was not a real dinner party... It was a Saladmaster party disguised as a dinner party. My D. and I have an unwritten rule we do not go to "sell shit out of your home" parties. But our next door neighbor L. is the sweetest lady in the world... And she is a widow... And she is the only person who sent me a sympathy gift after BOTH of my miscarriages... asked us to attend... so we went.

When we got there we realized that we were 50% of this party of four and that meant were were wearing the big red sales target on our chests! We watched as dinner was made.. an amazing healthy dinner... good tasting and quick... the lady showed us all the reasons we NEEDED this cookware and all the reasons that we would die from heart disease and cancer if we didn't... She even baked a chocolate cake with potatoes, celery, and carrots "snuck in for health and moisture"... and it was really good... you couldn't taste the veggies!

Then we were asked to set up a party at out home... nope... no way... no how... We did give the lady our phone number so I am sure we will be dodging that call for the next 2 months... Then the big finale... You could get the entire 10 piece cookware set for...... $4800. Yes... $4800 fucking DOLLARS!!! But for us she suggested the 3 piece "starter set" for a mere $1700. I swear this woman was on crack. She just couldn't comprehend that out "health" was not worth $1700 to us???? We can not afford to spend $1700 on ANYTHING right now? Do normal everyday people spend that much on cookware?

We left at almost 11:00 PM... exhausted from the hard sell, convinced we are poisoning ourselves with Teflon, and feeling like a unhealthy losers who don't feel their health is worth $1700... Mr. D said we are never going to another "dinner party" in our lives!

... And we don't even cook!

As I was spell checking... AF arrived... with a gush...


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Sunday, October 17, 2004

Advice on Miscarriage


What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family
By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.
The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

Another great miscarriage source...

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN "**Don't Say's" in the comments of this post.

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Saturday, October 16, 2004

Jamie... read this post when you feel angry, upset, or pissed....

I think I had an epiphany this morning...

I say "think" because it wasn't a "knock you in the side of the head with realization" type epiphany... but a soft quiet blanket type of thought that seemed to wash over me as I woke up.

When I woke up at 6 am I had several thoughts.
#1 - I didn't have to pee all night... NOT PREGNANT
#2 Boobs not hurting... NOT PREGNANT
#3 No nausea... gas... bloating... little uterine pangs.. cramps... etc... NOT PREGNANT

I started to get up to do my morning pregnancy test anyway.. but I didn't. I just stayed in bed and didn't. I just gave myself permission not to test. I told myself that I could always test later if I wanted to... Then I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I woke up at 8 am the sun was beautiful streaming though my bedroom windows and I could see the rose bushes outside my window in bloom... the day was just incredible and all three of my kitties were curled up around me... I felt so..... (drum roll please).... HAPPY.

This time I had to pee... (naturally it had been 11 hours)... but I didn't test... I just chose not to... I again gave myself permission to test later and just flushed my FMU down the toilet.

Here is the epiphany in two fold...

#1 - I think I had forgotten how to enjoy the non-pregnant feeling of my body... On days that I felt good and healthy I got angry because I didn't have pregnancy symptoms. I have lost a couple of pounds... but overlooked it because I was thinking of my empty belly. I didn't appreciate the natural curves that I have because I wanted my breasts to be huge, painful and swollen. I was disappointed that I didn't have heartburn or gas or the urgency to pee 100 times a day... I was starting my days of bad every day with a BFN... Wow.. how miserable is that... to not see anything good in your life because one thing is going bad. I decided that when AF officially starts I will take another round of the antibiotics that I stopped taking after 3 days because the label said DO NOT TAKE WHILE PREGNANT... That way I will know that the ureaplasma is cleared up and I won't be scared of that when I AM pregnant... I will try to appreciate the extra time "not pregnant" that I have to make myself a better person and therefore a better mom when my baby does finally get here.

#2 There are several things that I am happy for today... And being happy does not negate my wish for a baby... they are separate. I am allowed to be happy and I don't have to pine away for a baby every day of my life... I CAN appreciate the things that I have.

A list of a few of the good things...

1. My hubby Mr. D. - So kind... so supportive... so handsome... just the best partner in the world. I love him so much and I KNOW that he is my soul mate. And (thank you God...) we are both 100% healthy.
2. My parents are both living and healthy... I may not see them a lot.. but if I need them... they are here and can support me in their own ways... same for my brother...
3. Nic and her little jellybean are flying on the way to London to meet her husband. She will be so happy and relieved to be with him. They can get settled and be together finally and start getting ready for the big arrival in May.
4. My show... it was really well received and the kids learned a lot... and after today it will be OVER and on to the next project.
5. My dream house... It is gorgeous... People who visit always compliment it... Everything is decorated and looks finished... We have done a good job with the interior design and the landscaping... and we have done it for a lot less $$$ than most people could. It is truly the perfect home for Mr. D. and me... it is so "us".... comfortable, elegant, livable and just HOME.

These are just my top five...

So... (write it down girls)... Jamie Elise is going to take one day off from testing... from pregnancy woes... from miscarriage... from crying... and be happy...

and if I feel this good tomorrow... I may take tomorrow off too...

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Friday, October 15, 2004

BFN... duh...

My boobs and about 5 HPT's are telling me that I am not pregnant this month....

Tested again this AM with first morning pee... nothing.... I am at cd25... 12 dpo... 7 days until AF.

I am actually getting tired of testing... maybe this is good "immersion therapy" and I will get so sick of the BFN that I stop testing all the time...

probably not.

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Wednesday, October 13, 2004


I took two pregnancy tests in about 7 hours.... both BFN... I am on CD23 of 32 and 10dpo.

I took the first at 3 AM... because I woke up and had a terrific NEED to test... after the full 10 minutes there was no line... However at 7 AM when I woke up again there was a light light light shadow-y line... An evap. line (E-V-A-P-O-R-A-T-I-O-N for you newbies) and since I am now using the crack cocaine version of HPT... Dollar General "Baby Tests" I have to put up with these phantom evap. lines and play by the "DO NOT FOR ANY REASON LOOK AT YOUR HPT AFTER THE 10 MINUTE TIME LIMIT" rule. The upside? For the bargain price of $1 per test I can get a BFN every day of the month...

Oh the memories of using the top of the line pregnancy tests that cost $18 for a two pack... but you see... I have slipped... I can't afford the luxury tests anymore. I am forced by my addiction to drive to the grungiest nastiest Dollar Store in the seedy part of town wearing my darkest sunglasses to stay incognito. Lock my doors and run into the crap store hoping and praying that no one questions the purchase I am about to make... a case of home pregnancy tests.

As most crack whores would tell you, the urge to do more can get you. Those evap. lines are dangerous and tricky. So at lunch time after making my "connection" at the Dollar General I ran home to re-test (with 1 PM pee on 10 dpo... yep... I am out of control).

At 10 minutes post pee there was no line... even took it outside to look in the sunlight... BUT at 13 minutes there was a almost invisible shadow that might have been a line... in fact it was so light I was probably imagining it... and since no one was here to verify it... who knows? I am quite sure that I am in the grips of my addiction now and am only seeing what I want to see.... Evaporation lines are the devil and I feel them pulling me into hell by my uterus! And honestly... If I ever did get a BFP from a Dollar General test I would probably have to back it up by testing with a twin pack of EPT because what idiot would trust a $1 pregnancy test anyway??????

So I have 9 more tests in my possession and 9 days until AF is due... Who wants to bet that I run out of tests before I run out of days?

I can't imagine having to go back to my supplier (Dollar General) and buy more HPT's after only a few days... I may have to find another Dollar Store to buy them at so I don't get the old fish-eye from the toothless clerk working there... AND I have to ask for them (they keep them behind the counter... probably because there is an epidemic of $1 pregnancy test misuse and abuse). I actually have to say the words to get them "May I please have 10 $1 pregnancy tests please"? AHHHHHHH the utter shame of this addiction. Do you think there is a 12 step program for this one????

My name is Jamie and I am a pregnancy test whore...

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Tuesday, October 12, 2004



I watched the whole Oprah baby shower show while crying... I would be one of those really round pregnant women if I didn't lose my 2 pregnancies to miscarriage in March 2004 and June 2004. I was 32... healthy, married, ready to have a baby, and pregnant... then BAM.. oops.. not pregnant... twice.

My husband thought I ought to write Oprah to do a show about miscarriage... I think that so many women go through it so alone and feel like it is such a private shame... I would love for Oprah to know that there is a whole "underground" community of us out there on blogs and internet chat rooms and message boards that are having a really tough time with losing our babies before 20 weeks gestation and the lack of understanding and support.

Things I have been told after losing pregnancies at only 7 weeks... "It was God's will", "How could you be attached you were ONLY 7 weeks", "There must have been something wrong with it", "Don't worry you'll be pregnant again in no time"... and my personal favorite... "It wasn't even a BABY yet.. it was just a blob... Get over it!."

If you choose to research this subject please look at the book "MISCARRIAGE: WOMEN SPEAKING FROM THE HEART" ISBN # 0-471-54834-0 It is the ONLY thing that gave me solace when I felt that NO ONE understood me...

Also... Please focus only on miscarriage... many people lump miscarriage in with abortion (we didn't choose to terminate our pregnancies... they were taken from us..) and stillbirth (losing a child after 20 weeks gestation usually gets much more sympathy from friends and family... you were "showing", you lose your baby in a hospital, you can have a funeral, and other people were involved in your excitement and grief...)

Also... we are also lumped in with Infertility... but we actually GET pregnant... we just have issues STAYING pregnant.

Miscarriage is a unspoken taboo... the feeling women deal with after a miscarriage are powerful feelings of guilt, incompetency, helplessness, and shame. And usually you have a miscarriage and are expected to head back to work in just a couple of days. It is probably the worst thing that a women has to face alone... because it seems completely unrecognized by society... and no one "gets it".

Thanks for considering this topic... I would be happy to share my stories with you.
Courtney Cox would be a great guest since she is the only celebrity that I have ever heard talk about the pain of miscarriage in public.

I keep a blog dealing with my miscarriage fears and my obsession with getting pregnant again at

Thanks Oprah Staff!

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Monday, October 11, 2004


I am reading a great book to help myself work out some of my feeling about my miscarriages, pregnancy, and myself. It is called FEARLESS LIVING by Rhonda Britten. it is all about recognizing core negative feelingfs about yourself that cause you to go in to a wheel (cycle) of fear...I have only read the first three chapters but I have found a lot of truths in the book. In fact my whole menstrual/ un-pregnancy cycle is my own little wheel of fear...

First a trigger... FEELING INCOMPETENT about pregnancy, about my career, about my home, ... basically about everything in my life...

Fear response - blaming myself or others, taking everything personally, negative attitude, workaholism, perfectionism, putting other people down, pretending, headaches, being manipulative....

Negative Feelings - FEELING LIKE A FAILURE

Self destructive Behavior - - isolate from friends and family, crying, negative self talk, staying on the internet, pretending, watching TV instead of being productive, overeating...

Then comes the next trigger... thus the "wheel" of fear.


IMPATIENT - with AF, with doctors,, with Mr. D, with family...

EXHAUSTED - I feel this way all the time....

SELF RIGHTEOUS - "They" all suck.. "they" are all out to get me... it is a big conspiracy.... unappreciated...

MISUNDERSTOOD - "I didn't mean it like THAT..."

PARANOID - I think people get pregnant just to spite me... everyone is out to get me...

PARALYZED- Can't move forward... nothing but fear motivates me...

SHAME - I feel guilty about the loss of my pregnancies... what could I have done???

DEFEATED - "I am never going to get pregnant again and IF I did it would probably end in another miscarriage."

OUT OF CONTROL - Surfing the internet when I should be working....letting things "go"instead of being responsible... Feel like I can't control my own actions...

CONFUSED - Not sure whether or not to TTC... Not sure about anything... including my own feelings...

OVERWHELMED - Feeling desperate... don't know what to do next... Afraid that IF I did get pregnant I would be a horrible mother.... Why to other people seem to "have it all together" and I don't?

VICTIMIZED - Why is this happening to ME??? I feel victimized by the fact that I have lost 2 pregnancies... and that I am not pregnant now....

OK... self discovery is hard... I am going to work on me no matter what it takes.
If this sounds familiar to you then get the book.... I am really enjoying it.

FEARLESS LIVING by Rhonda Britten

...I would love to discuss with anyone who is reading the book or who feels like me.

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Friday, October 08, 2004

I hate pregnant women... there... I said it...

(IF YOU HAVE A BFP.... you are going to hate me when I write this...)

OK... I know this is a GIANT no-no but I went lurking on birth club pages on Pregnancy Weekly... I KNOW I SHOULDN'T DO THAT!!!!... but I did... I wanted to see what I would be feeling if I was 8 months pregnant or 5 months pregnant like I am "supposed" to be. I guess it is some sort of self destructive game I play with myself.. "hey.. I am feeling a little depressed today so I think I will do whatever I can to make myself feel worse..."

So here is my beef...
I am so tired of pregnant women complaining about EVERYTHING... I know they are sick... I know they can't drink.... I know they are uncomfortable... they can't sleep... their dh's are not nice to them... they are emotional... They want this baby"OUT" of them... they feel fat... I get it... I know...

BUT... They are pregnant and I am not.

WHY??? Why is it that women who have not experienced infertility or miscarriage can't appreciate how fragile pregnancy is? What a miracle it is? And how much it hurts to lose a pregnancy. All these women could do is bitch about how MISERABLE they are!!!! I really had to resist posting something mean on their birth club like "hey... try having 2 m/c or TTC for 3 years with nothing to show for it... and then tell me how "miserable" you feel!"

God... I think I am going to hell.

OK.. I know I have no right to judge them... and that I was wrong for lurking there...


I won't go back to the birth clubs...
I won't go back to the birth clubs...
I won't go back to the birth clubs...
I won't go back to the birth clubs...
I won't go back to the birth clubs...

The only thing that irks me more is the occasional 18 year old on the boards that thinks something is "wrong with her" because she has TTC for "2 long months" and isn't pregnant yet. Whatever you little attention grabbing whore! How dare you come on the board and ask for TTC advice... HA... If we fucking knew we wouldn't be on the damn board in the first fucking place! Whew...

Please don't bother yelling at me... I know I am being a bitch... I am unreasonable... I just have had a really bad day and want to be pregnant!

(I shared this post with my TTC buddies at Pregnancy Weekly thinking that they would hate me and yell that I was awful for feel so jealous and mean... it turns out they were all so supportive and most said they have felt the same way at some point... I am seriously starting to believe that the only real friends that I have in the world are my imaginary cyber friends... 'cause my "real life friends" sure the fuck don't understand.)

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After Opening Night....

Opening night was GREAT! The kids were just ON... We had a full house and the show was the best it has ever been. I was so proud at how charming the show was. The parents LOVED it and just went on and on about how happy their kids were to be in the show and how much they have grown over the past 6 weeks working on the show! I got lots of compliments and ego pats and it felt really good. We have 5 more performances this weekend and next and then we will be on the next show (that Mr. Good Teacher is directing and I* am assisting with) YEA!!!

I wish TTC was going this well... Mr. D and I only had TTCSex once on cd 13... After that... we were just to tired or stressed or busy... so... This probably won't be our month.

I am about 5 dpo (I say almost because I just guess at my "O" date by my body signals and past pregnancies... not an OPK) I am already having some of my false pregnancy symptoms... bloating, gassy, sore boobs (HA... you can't fool me this time progesterone cream!)... and fatigue... I have been trying to catch a nap at lunch or between 4-5 in the afternoon since I am at school daily from 9 - 10 PM on performance days! Anyway... 5 dpo is WAY to early sooooo I will ignore these deceptive symptoms and stay busy!!!

Nic leaves for London on the 16 (closing of the show...) I need to figure out a time that I can see her before she goes. I can't remember if I told you... but her honeymoon baby may be TWINS.... yep... happy for her... sucky for me that I am a jealous old hag who wants to steal other people's babies and make them my own. Can you believe that when she tells me that she is having bad morning sickness I am STILL wishing it was me???? I have lost it...

Yesterday I came home to a huge package... it was a GIANT pregnancy book that I ordered when I was pregnant from State Farm... I was so high from the show that it didn't really bother me... Plus I was struck by the fact that they send it to me FOR FREE and it is a BEAUTIFUL hardcover 500+ page book as thick as a huge dictionary. That is a pretty great free gift. If I wasn't already a State Farm customer I would think about switching... What company gives great free stuff anymore???

Any way.. Now I have a HUGE-MONGOUS "everything you could possible ever wonder about pregnancy" book... but no baby.... (sigh)

OK... off to school to bask in the glow of a production well done!

And now a little music from our show....

"So many nights... but tonight it's worth it...
Sure we've had fights but tonight were friends...
Let's do them proud...
No matter how this evening ends!
So many nights... but tonight it's worth it!
Never before has it been so clear!
Miracles happen...
Someone shows you why you're here!"

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Thursday, October 07, 2004

Opening Night Tonight!

"After Opening Night... Everything will be alright
After Opening Night... When the make believing ends.
They are starting to feel... That the parts they play are real.
After Opening Night... They'll discover their all good friends
They're in a hopeless situation...
They're not in love... They're in a play.
though it's a damn good imitation...
After Opening Night... We'll see the light of day."
~From our musical

Opening Night is tonight! The preview went well and I can now turn it completely over to the cast. As a director it is my gift to them.


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Wednesday, October 06, 2004

The night before opening night...

Tonight is our first preview performance of the musical. It is sort of like dress rehearsal with an invited audience. The set is complete the doors work, the lights are programmed, the posters are up... It is time.

I am trying to trust that I have given the kids everything they need to succeed. We have had 4 full run throughs... 3 with the band and I have given pages and pages of notes every night... sometimes I give the SAME note night after night. I know the show won't crash and burn... I know that they are secure enough that it will not fall apart... I know they won't just stop... (Like in my worst nightmares)... but... I just wanted the show to be... well... more...

I am not sure if this makes sense unless you are a competitor. Unless you know what it tastes like to be the best once and then have to try to live up to that... but it is hard. My musicals have won major praise and awards from out community... the expectation is high... and this one may not be the "professional theatrical experience" that we usually serve up. This one may be (simply) a high school musical. And that makes me feel like I have failed.

On a lighter note... TTC has not gone well this week. We did IT on cd13 and that is it. There is to much stress and struggle with the 15 hour days I am putting in and well... it just didn't happen. We may try again tonight.. but it is probably to late (cd16). So... it could be our month since it just takes once at the right time (we KNOW this from our 1st 2 pregnancies that ended in m/c) but I am not very hopeful... Yet.... But never fear.. Give me a week and I will probably be testing every 5 minutes. (I HATE THE TTC PERSON THAT I HAVE BECOME).

Have you guys checked out Very funny and informative stuff!

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Monday, October 04, 2004

A Relaxing Sunday Night...

Yesterday I had EWCM on cd13... I immediately went in to brain overload planning the week... We HAVE to TTC on at least Sunday (cd 13), Tuesday (cd 15) and Thursday (cd17)... I mentioned it to Mr. D... who finds that kind of panic very sensual... not. So all day I think about what we "should" be doing... instead of gardening... or shopping for last minute fabric for my show... or napping... or eating out... or buying pumpkins for the yard...or EVERYTHING ELSE that occupied my day. OBSESSIVE.

At around 8PM. Lenny out sweet 2 year old kitty was acting very strange... he was crying, rolling around on the floor, hissing, and acting like he was in pain. He had been doing this earlier in the afternoon and we had decided to watch him and see how he felt later... well, it was later and he was defiantly not OK. We packed him up and headed for the all night animal emergency hospital. After about 3 hours we arrived back home with our sick urinary tract infected cat. They did tests and found out that he had a really painful infection. They pumped him full of fluids.. (because he needed to pee more) and antibiotics and sent us home with strict instructions to monitor his urine (great) and to quit feeding him crap cat food from Target and buy the ultra chic food from the vet for about $20 a bag. (Did I mention that we have 3 they will all get the royal dinner treatment and while Mr. D. and I eat from the McDonald's $.99 value menu.)

Grand total at 11:00 on Sunday night? $259.00.

When we finally got home and settled we were both exhausted. BUT... (thankfully) we did TTC before we went to sleep. I even put my rear on pillows for 15 minutes afterwards. And I never got out of bed until this morning... I didn't want a little thing like gravity to mess up my plans!

Lenny seems to be much better this morning.

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Friday, October 01, 2004

REALLY Quick Update...

My grandmother came through her surgery with flying colors and guess what?... NO SIGNS OF CANCER! The softball sized mass was just a giant cyst... took it out and she should be fine... WoW... what powerful prayers you guys must have! (Can you pray for me to get a baby?)
Ok.. Ok... One miracle a day is enough...

Off to bed I go... Long Saturday with LONG rehearsals tomorrow... the show opens in 5 days.

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Quick Update

Welcome October! It is now fall in Dallas.. which means that it is a frosty 88 degrees today. (Button up it's freezing out there!!!) Although if you know Texas you know that we could wake up tomorrow to 50 degrees and sleet. Usually fall here actually last for one or two days and the tree leaves go from green to brown and on the ground overnight.... I wish for pumpkin and garnet colored trees...I long for 60-70 degree actually fall sweater weather... but so far it is still short sleeves and capri's.

No news from D.B. in 48 hours... I think that is that. (What a coward...) I did feel a tad guilty when I read the post from P.W.... but I am glad to know that some people do use their injury to excuse bad behavior... I am 99.9% sure that this is the case.

It is CD10... I have to gear up for TTCSex in the next few days... (Why can't TTCSex be as easy and fun as regular sex?) the same time I have to whip this musical into shape to open on the 7th... uuugggghhhhh.... It is not going easily. I have got to learn to be more patient.... But HOW do you learn that????

I am starting the progesterone cream again this month.. but this time I know that it cause
ache-y boobs so I won't think I am pregnant every 2 seconds... I will also be so busy maybe I won't notice.

My grandmother in North Carolina is having MAJOR surgery today to remove a softball size mass from her one remaining ovary... My mom is understandable freaked out. They don't know if it is cancer yet... but it doesn't look good. I will keep you posted... a quick prayer from all would be so appreciated.

That is it for the update... will try to write more later.

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