This weekend we attended an adoption seminar that was really wonderful! The workshop was about talking to your children about sex... and although we are several years away I jumped at the opportunity to see the speaker and take notes for when the time comes.
The workshop is called Sooner Than You Think and the speaker was Mary Flo
Ridley. She has been talking to parents about having "the talk" with kids for years and has a
dvd series called Simple Truths. But this was her first time to speak to an audience of adoptive / foster parents and though the message was much the same there were some really helpful things to think about sex from a perspective of adoption.
Some of differences between talking to bio kids and adopted kids that we discussed were things like the following...
1. It is suggested that you must start talking with children with to two things... a clear message about your family's values about sex and a basic biology of how this all works. For little children one of the first things you teach is that babies grow in Mommy's tummy... right? But then explaining that not all
mommys are able to grow babies in their tummy (
helllloooo infertility...) brings in the opportunity to not only talk about reproductions but about the idea that families are created in many different ways... and that can tie in with learning more about
birthparents.
2. In the middle years the talk about sex for families of adoption can include talks about infertility... because kids will have questions... they may understand the mechanics the way they are designed to work... but what happens when you want to be a parent but the body doesn't work? Not every seed in the package sprouts into a flower... so although infertility may not be something discussed in most homes with the sex talks... with adopted kids it may come into the conversation.
3. Just
pre-puberty we may continue to discuss our values in relationship to sex... this is the whole "don't you even think of doing it" part. However... in an adoption situation you may have to be careful in the way you word things... Telling a child it is morally wrong to have sex before marriage can, in the
child's eyes, become a slam on birth parents who didn't wait... A discussion on the importance of using birth control if you do have sex may become, in a
child's mind, a hard thing to hear because they are
perhaps alive and well because someone didn't use birth control... So as you can see she brought up some very interesting points that I had not ever though of... and I am glad to start thinking about them now... way before I have to answer the questions.
4. In the teen years you may have to have a conversation about
un-consensual sex... especially if you are trying to remain "transparent" about your
child's conception and that is a part of their adoption story.
Remember this is only bullet points of the adoption/ foster portion of the workshop... there was so much more! I am so glad to have gone. And although her
dvd series is not adoption based you may want to look into it... and who knows maybe this workshop will develop into a book about specifically talking to adopted kids about sex.
Oh yes... and when she was asked "at what age do you need to talk to you kids about sex" this is what she said.. " Take the youngest age you might think you should start talking... subtract 3 years.. and you will be about a year late!"
