Day 6...

Got another HIGH today...

Really nevous about seeing Dr. Asshole today... please God... let Ally be right and let him not be such a moron today...

Today is my Blog-versary. I have been blogging about all of this shit for an entire year. Wow... time flies when you are infertile...

Bleh...

Day 5 of HIGH on MM... getting a little depressed and frustrated.

Seeing Dr. Asshole tomorrow at 1 PM... I was really hoping to tell him that I was ovulating on my own... Maybe I'll get a PEAK tomorrow.

Bleh...

cd 15

Day four of HIGH on the MM... Can someone explain this to me? Where is my PEAK???? Does this mean that I am not going to ovulate? I have the appointment with Dr. Asshole on Wednesday... but he won't help with that... he will just tell me I need clomid or monitoring or IUI or injectables... anything to fill his greedy pockets with my non-insurance paid money. Ad maybe I do need those things... but I just can afford it out of pocket! (you all know the story...)

So any words of wisdom about the MM? Am I out for this month?

My 7's...

7 Things - per Jenna, Ally, and Jenn's Request

7 Things to do before I die:
1. Celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary to Mr. D.
2. Have a child(ren) and watch them/him/her grow up into a wonderful adult
3. Weigh 125 again...
4. Own my own business
5. Win the lottery
6. Live in NYC
7. Meet my IPP's

7 Things I can do:
1. get along with teenagers!
2. take charge and be "the boss"
3. act and sing
4. teach others to act and sing
5. Accomplish goals I set for myself
6. interior design
7. Anything involving cleaning & organization

7 Things I can't do:
1. play the piano
2. do any sort of math
3. dance
4. ice skate
5. touch raw meat
6. Turn off lights when I leave the room
7. Keep a secret
***Note that I didn't say "have a baby" which was my gut answer... I am trying to stay positive!


7 Things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. talent
2. honesty
3. eyes
4. teeth
5. hands
6. A manly build... I want to feel petite in my man's arms!
7. integrity

7 Things I say most often:
1. I'm so frustrated!
2. I need a drink!
3. to my students... "that's... interesting..."
4. fuck
5. that's ridiculous!
6. Are you kidding me???
7. I love you.. to my hubby!

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. George Clooney
2. Sawyer on Lost... What ever his real name is...
3. Brad Pitt
4. John Stamos... yes... I am a dork...
5. David Copperfield ... yes.. the magician... yes.. I KNOW I am a dork.
6. Ben Affleck... sort of... in a drunk one nighter kind of way...
7. Scott Baio... ok.. that was a loooong time ago


7 people I want to do this:
1. Lesley
2. Jess
3. Chas
4. Jen
5. Ollie
6. Liz
7. Angela

CD 12

HIGH on the monitor! Let the SEX begin! (Luckily it is over a weekend... that means the TTCSexFest won't always have to be in the middle of the night on a school nights...)
Gah... I sound like such a Grandma!

I was so excited to see 12 comments on what I though was a pretty average post... kinda boring. BUT... it was attack of the spammers! Aaaarrrrggghhh! So I added word verification... we will see if this does the trick...

Have to go burn 15 rehearsal CD's for my actors... Gotta run!

cd 11...

CD 11... Got another low on the MM... I would have sworn it would be a high because of my cm... Maybe tomorrow...

I am gaining weight even though I am working out almost daily... Maybe it is muscle... but I don't want muscle... I want SKINNY! Can some smart person explain to me why I can weigh 153 in the morning... work out... weigh again after sweating up a storm and weigh 155? I GAINED 2 pounds in 45 minutes while working out???? I am trying not to care about the number and just know that I am doing something good for my health every day... but...I really want RESULTS!

CD 9...

CD 9 - MM asked for pee this AM... LOW. Last month I got a HIGH on cd 10 and a PEAK on cd 12... so I am getting ready for the monthly TTCSexfest.

I am picking up Mr. D from the airport today... he has been in New Orleans since Sunday doing an industrial... (that is basically a live commercial for a company). These are traditionally very silly and for some strange reason (thanks to crazy corporate American) they pay really well! He has been staying in a really nice Hilton and did 16 mini-shows (about 6 minutes long) in 2 days. It is so strange how much I miss him when he is gone... I mean... it seems like he has been gone FOREVER and it has been 48 hours! Anyway... I am so glad he will be back today even though I will pick him up at the airport at 5:00 and he has to be at rehearsal at 6:30... Ahhh.. the life of an actors wife...

The TTCSex will be tricky this month because since Mr. D. is in rehearsals for THE FANTASTICS (playing El Gallo for those of you who are familiar with musical theatre.) He is rehearsing nightly until 11:30. By the time he gets home it is after midnight... and I have been asleep for a couple of hours. So... I will have to figure out good times for both of us because this weekend is probably the TIME... if last month is any indication... which with my body... well... you never know.

School is going well... we had our first rehearsal yesterday and it was pretty bumpy... but that is what rehearsals are for right?

YAY... Big Brother is on tonight... Is anyone else watching?

The one where she feels sorry for herself...

I have decided to leave my dr. appt. on the 1st... mainly because I need some prescriptions refilled and I would rather not call and do that. Everyone has helped ease my fears (Of course it is your cervix that gets swabbed... not your uterus) I think it will be fine.

I am feeling very low about not getting pregnant again yet... I am surrounded my women getting their BFP's on the TTC Board on PW. In fact, I think there are officially more pregnant women there than women ttc and that it really hard. I am happy for all of them... but I am starting to think the PW page is not the place for me anymore... I do feel loved and supported by my pg friends and my IPP's... but I just feel so sad when I go there... So sad that they have to write things like "we know you will get pg soon Jamie" or "I think next month is your month"... It is so hopeful and so sweet... but I just feel so alien. Why me??? Why am I the woman who has been there the longest? Why am I the one that still doesn't have a baby? I never thought that other people getting their miracles would make me feel this way... It is such a horrible way to feel and I hate it. I know that I am in the wrong. That these women have done nothing be support me... but now I am feeling so.. well... alone. Like I have nothing in common with my support group now. Like everyone is in a different place than me... a place that is hopeful and exciting... but I am still in the trenches. At one time we were all in the same life boat and now... well... the rescue boat has come and I missed it.

Anyway, If you are pregnant and reading this... please don't be offended... many of my friends and IPP sisters are pregnant and I really do love you all and want to see you all with a beautiful baby in your arms... I pray for that. My online pg friends mean a lot to me... (Chas, Jenn, Jen, Liz, Heather, Heather M, Sara, Kath, Jenny, Kate, Jana, and our newest addition Ally!!!) I love all of you. I am just a little overwhelmed with our recent baby boom. And I am happy for you. I am just at the same time... really really unhappy for me. Does that make sense?

I guess this is just another selfish and bitter "feeling sorry for myself" post...
Thank you for listening... I just had to get this self pity out and that is why I started my blog in the first place.

CD 3

Called my crap-ass doctor yesterday... (I have put off finding a new doctor... because it is so overwhelming) Anyway.... I need an annual exam and bloodwork to look at what the Metformin is doing to me (if anything). The first appt. they can give me is Sept. 1... sooo that would put me on cd 18. I feel a little weird about having a pelvic so close to possible conception (this month I "peaked" on cd 13.) I told the receptionist that I was trying to get pg and that date would be in the 2nd 1/2 of my cycle and she said "as long as you are not on your period it is fine." Does that sound right to you???? I am considering calling back and canceling. It just seems strange to "swab" the uterus at that time... what if he swabs something OUT???

Opinions?

It's Official..

CD 2...

The first day of school went very well.
The kids seem great...
It is Tuesday and I already need a weekend!
This is going to be a looong week.
Mr. D. started rehearsals for a new show...
Basically I won't see him much until the end of Sept...
We will be work exact opposite hours... I will get home about 30 minutes after he leaves for work.
I have auditions for my school musical Wednesday and Thursday... those will be looong days...
I have to start getting on the elliptical tonight... Haven't been on it since Saturday (did go to the rock climbing gym on Sunday... so really only skipped yesterday.
Not losing any weight yet...
Yay... Big Brother is on tv tonight.
Just wanted to give a quick update.

Spending $$$ on myself

Today I took $400 that was in my savings and bought myself and elliptical trainer.

Doesn't the lady in the picture look happy to be on such an amazing piece of home gym nirvana??? I bet you have never seen a woman look that happy with her feet in stirrups and a dildo cam shoved you know where trying to get a good follicle count...

This is $$$ that I had earmarked for more fertility stuff (like another clomid month) or baby stuff (like a crib)... but today I just decided that I would spend it on trying to improve myself and to become a happier person. My goal is to lose 20 pounds as fast as possible... but at least by Christmas. That way if I happen to get pregnant great... but if not... I am not carrying around extra pounds gained from my miscarriages and fertility drugs...

So now I have no excuses not to workout EVERY day for at least 30 minutes.

Starting tonight.. as soon as my hamburger (my last one for a while) digests a little more...

You gotta start somewhere right?

Dear Magic Monitor...

Dear MM,
Why are you still having me pee on sticks?
I am on day 16 and have already been back at "low" for two days...
I don't want to waste the sticks since they are almost $2 each!!!

My readings were:
cd 7-10 - low - no sex... left town
cd 11 & 12 - high - out of town - no sex
cd 13 & 14 - PEAK - TTCSex... one time late on cd 14
cd 15 - high - too tired from trip... no sex
cd 16 &17 - low - nope...

So... (for those of you playing along at home...) just ONCE in the "window" this month... so chances are a little slim... but as we all were taught in jr. high gym class... "it only takes once..."
Of course that is assuming that all teens are basically pregnancy magnets (which as a high school teacher I can personally vouch for)... and we all know that I (unfortunately) am neither a teen nor magnetic.

So... MM please don't make me waste another $2 tomorrow morning... (other than that I am still singing your praises at the best infertile gaget since digital HPT's.)

Goodnight MM... I love you.