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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Simple Math

This is how my sick little mind works...

Today... as if I haven't been feeling down enough... I decided to skip on over to my favorite pregnancy calculator and find my EDD in the case this is the month that I actually ovulate, get pregnant on or around December 5th, carry the baby longer than 7 weeks, and actually carry the baby full term. Like I said... I guess I wasn't feeling unpregnant enough today...
(I ask yet again... WTF is wrong with me???)

I typed in the information...
last menstrual cycle - November 23
Average cycle length - (who knows???... somewhere between 28-35) I typed 32
Possible conception date - December 5th
EDD - August 30, 2005

But here is the part that FREAKED ME OUT.... at the bottom of the page it said... "Congratulations... you are 1 week pregnant".

Imagine that! Due to the totally screwed-up-ness of medical science I am 1 week pregnant! There is no egg... no sperm... but somehow this OB/GYN pregnancy tracker program has the knowledge that I am already 1 week pregnant. And they were nice enough to congratulate me on it.

This two weeks of pre-conception pregnancy got me thinking...

I have realized today that women are considered in a perpetual state of pregnancy according to this pregnancy standard. This is kind of a bonus plan when you are actually know... post conception pregnant. Even the BEST home pregnancy testers are technically 3-4 weeks pregnant by the time they pee on the stick thanks to these mysterious 2 weeks of "pre-pregnancy" pregnancy.

I started doing the fuzzy math and suddenly realized.... that according to this theory I have been "technically" pregnant over 250 times!!!!

This started me thinking: I wonder how many times have I been NOT pregnant in my lifetime? At this point... I pulled out the calculater and started multipling.....

I got my first AF at the ripe old age of 11... Take the 22 years since and multiply by 12 cycles a year and I have had AF approximately 264 times in my life.

That is 264 BFN's...

From the ages of 11- 19 I wasn't sexually active so that makes it more like 160 BFN's..

I was on birth control from 19-25... so that is 88 BFN's

I wasn't married or "ready" from ages 25-30... so that is 36 BFN's

So really I have had 36 BFN's in the past 3 years of TTC...

Wait... make that 32 BFN's... I have had 2 BFP's and a whooping 14 cumulative pregnant weeks... but those didn't work out so well...

So... 32 BFN's... 32 months of TTC and nothing yet...

I don't exactly know what to do with this new found "perpetually pregnant" theory... In a way it makes me sort of hopeful...just thinking of the possibility... like somehow cosmically everything will be ok because science already sees me as pregnant...

So tonight.. I will pretend that I have that hope and assurance that everything will be ok... I will take the online pregnancy calculator as a sign from above (in a weird Magic-8-Ball kind of way)... tonight I will dream of big ripe tall flowery follicles... perfectly timing the big "O" this month, and an incredibly healthy egg planting right smack in my puffy pink cotton candy uterus.... soaring progesterone and hcg levels... nausea... and finally a nice dark second line on an HPT just in time for Christmas...

One week from the day I see that line... contrary to medical science... is the date that I will allow myself to be 1 week pregnant.

Told you I had a sick little mind...

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Burning Questions vol. 2

I only have one question this week...

Which is worse... Hearing that someone you don't really like is pregnant... or finding out that someone that you know and love is having a baby?

Both have happened to me this week.. in fact I have heard of 3 pregnancy announcements (not counting my "online buddies").

Everyone is pregnant for the holidays but me...

This week has sucked... I have cried a lot this week and just hate feeling this way at the holidays. I really am uninspired to do much of anything thing... including blog... but I would like to know your answer to my burning question...

Oh... my answer is terrible. I hurts more finding out someone I really care about is pregnant... because it gives me so much pain and guilt not to be able to feel happiness for them. I WANT to be happy.. I want to share in all the stories and the excitement... but the jealousy that I feel in the pit of my stomach eats it all away. I feel so worried that they will lose their pregnancy... even when they are doing fine and not worried. I feel like I know a secret that not many other people know... that just getting pregnant doesn't always mean you will be holding a baby in nine months... It is terrible to feel this way and to only imagine and fantasize about what joy it must be to have a healthy pregnancy and yet to feel like it it never going to happen for me. It is so selfish and self serving... I really want to feel differently... I even try to act differently hoping that I can trick myself into a new feeling... I act excited and happy and go out of my way to ask questions and smile... but it is not helping the hole in my heart... I just feel so... numb.

uuuugggghhhhh.. I hate myself.
What the fuck is wrong with me?

Update... Monday morning... 11/29
Add Julia Roberts to the celebrities that I have to hate now. ( She gave birth to her twins. She was due in January (same as me) and now she has two sweet babies to spoil just in time for Christmas! So... I guess I even hate it when people I don't know have babies! Oh... and she also named her babies reeeealy stupid names... Hazel and Phinnaeus! What is wrong with her???

Back to work today... Go in for blood work this afternoon and have another u/s on Friday to see if my ovaries have eggs or cysts...

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Do I still believe?

After a day a Christmas shopping Mr. D . and I decided to stop on the way home and see a movie. We bought our tickets for THE INCREDIBLES but when we went in but it was MUCH to crowded and the only seats left were the front row... we decided to skip the movie and head on home. On our way out the door we ran into my friend M., her husband A. And their son T. Who is 20 months old. They were there to see the THE POLAR EXPRESS and it was T's first movie in a theatre... They invited us to join them and at first we said no.. But then I thought seeing T. and holding him might be really good for me... and I love the book THE POLAR EXPRESS so we went back in.

M. started out as my personal trainer in 2001... That is when Mr. D and I were first starting to "try" to get pregnant. We became really close friends and about 5 months into our friendship M. found out that she was pregnant. She and A. were already engaged and living together so they just moved up the weeding and in nine uneventful months they had T. The following summer when T. was 4 months old Mr. D and I were his "nannies" for the whole summer... M's hours were crazy (now she was working in a hospital as a dietician) and A. is a firefighter... So we had T. with us every couple of days and really learned for the firth time what it would be like to have a newborn. T. is the baby that made us KNOW that we wanted children and made us know that we could do it. At this time we were undergoing the first rounds of tests... sperm...OK... tubes... OK.... We had been trying for 2 years.

When T. was 7 months old... M. got pregnant again... This one was hard for me since all of out trying had been fruitless and M. was starting her 2nd pregnancy.... I didn't see here as much since she was very busy and had given up personal training. When I found out that I was pregnant in March M. was the first person I wanted to tell... but she was out of town in Chicago visiting family for 2 weeks and I wanted to wait and tell her in person.... but by the time she got back into town... I was miscarrying.

When I found out I was pregnant in June... I told her and we took T. out to celebrate. I went to an OB appointment with her and saw her 8 month old baby by u/s and held T. while we told him that I would be seeing my baby soon too... we had a great time... Three weeks later, on the day M. was having her second baby... I was miscarrying again.

M. hurt me a lot because she named her baby Grayson... the name that Mr. D. and I had picked out to name our baby if it was a boy. She said she didn't remember me telling her the name and forgot that it was "our" name... you know... I am not one who "claims" names.... There can be lots of Grayson's in this world and I don't care... I think it was the timing that bothered me the most. That was in July.

I didn't have the nerve to see Grayson until Halloween.... I was so scared that I would burst into tears... or that I would... I don't know... I just have been so fragile and so unpredictable... But on Halloween we planned that they would come to trick or treat at our house... T. was dressed as the cutest turtle ever and Grayson was a little 4 month old spider.... He looked exactly like T. did when we started babysitting him. There were no tears... only happy excited moments and I felt like I had jumped a huge huddle because.... I had held an infant and not cried, or freaked out, or burst into flames.... I deemed myself as OK.

So last night at the movies. T. sat on M.'s lap and loved the movie... he made train noises and clapped and bounced up and down when the reindeer lifted off... . I watched him the whole movie out of the corner of my eye. But suddenly... when as I was pointing out to Mr. D how T. was smiling and so excited to be at the movie..... I was overcome with a sense of sadness and loss like I had not known before. The Christmas music, the awe struck children in the packed movie theatre, the message of "just believe" was so over whelming to me that the tears were streaming down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away with the sleeve of my coat. It was the silent cry... The kind of cry you have late at night when you don't want to wake up your husband ... again... to comfort you. It is the alone cry. I tried so hard to hide it while Mr. D. rubbed my hand and held it tightly... More than anything I did not want M. to notice... I did not want to ruin their night... I did not want to be that sad, bitter, childless woman at Christmastime...

I had felt this cry coming for several days... putting up my Christmas tree, walking through the mall and seeing kids lined up to see Santa, walking through the holiday baby section of Nordstroms, browsing the children's books at the boookstore, having a cute toddler smile at me with a mouthful of cookie, seeing a sleeping baby pass by in a stroller, trying to choose a Christmas card that was fun and cute but that didn't look "childlike" to remind people that I am still childless... but I had convinced myself that I was OK. I am fine... I can do the holidays like I have done them all the other years... without a baby... I love the holidays... I love the wonder and joy and childlike innocence that it brings out in everyone... I can do this.

I am a believer... just like the kid in the Polar Express. I hear the bell... I always have. And just like the kid in the movie... this is a critical year for me. You see... when you have the year that I have had.. you can sort of stop believing. You can start to lose that hope that gets you through the RE visits... You can start to feel like a puzzle that's pieces are falling away ever so slowly... leaving less and less of you. Like things are missing... not new things like a baby... but pieces of you that are just not there anymore. I amlike the kid in the movie.. I am desperate to hear the tinkling of Santa's bell this year... more than ever. I need to believe... I need to know that by the end of the book it all turns out ok.

As the credits rolled my tears were under control. Under control until M. whispered... "are you ok?" I tried to blink away the hot tears but as someone once described on a blog they felt like they were coming out of every pore in my body... I was racked with quiet sobs. She hugged me as I quietly our husband pretended to watch the names on the screen roll by...

She whispered "I know this is why we haven't seen each other much lately... and it is ok... I understand... I am so sorry that you are going through this... I know you feel alone but I am here for you... I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes.. I can't even imagine how hard it is.. but you will get through it and I will be her for you."

As the lights came up we left the theatre. Everyone pretended that my eyes weren't almost swollen shut with that glassy watery weepy look. We all hugged and said goodbye and kissed on T.

Mr. D. held me close when we got in the car and the sobs began again... I told him that I was embarrassed and probably ruined their whole night. I told him I felt like a freak who can control her crying in public... I told him that I felt like a failure... I told him that I didn't think I could believe anymore. He shushed me and called me his "sweet baby honey pie" and turned on the radio where frank Sinatra was crooning "The Best is Yet to Come and won't it be grand... The Best is Yet to Come..."

We are choosing to take it as a sign...
because together we still do believe...

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Back to life... Back to reality....

There is nothing like having to threaten to have someone arrested to get them to leave you alone... Jeez.

Got AF on cd35 today!!!
I can't BELIEVE she made me wait so L O N G...

I called my new RE and they saw me this afternoon for my first of 3 "follicle monitoring" ultrasounds this cycle to look for signs of PCOS. Can you believe that??? Same day service from an RE... and they were nice too. I was not excited about an trans vag. u/s while on AF... but it is important that they get a look at every stage of your cycle... good to get the worst over first right?

They also may want to do a laperoscopy... but I don't want that yet... WAY to scary to even think about... My aunt had to have a total hysterectomy due to a laperoscopy gone REALLY wrong... It was a freak thing where the doctor nicked her bowels in the process and she almost died... they messed up her insides soo bad and even though she got a LOT of $$$ in a malpractice suit... she would rather have kept her uterus... Sooo... I am PRETTY DANG LEARY of that particular procedure.... (I know it was a freak occurrence.... and this was 15 years ago.... but... I just don't want one....)

Love the new doctors staff... didn't see the actual doctor today.. he was in surgery. When the nurse handed me a long list of blood work they were asking for I found out that the old doctor didn't send over a WHOLE bunch of blood work results (the only sent 1/2 of the paper work to the new doctor... on purpose... who knows???)

Any way... had the icky u/s... The Nurse Practiciner (sp??? I know it's wrong but HOW can do you spell it?????) said my follicles looked a little swiss cheesy (translations... possible PCOS) but she said that she was only slightly concerned and felt that we may actually be on the road to ruling out PCOS... I got for u/s #2 on Dec 3 to see if my ovaries are about to bust out an egg (it will be cd13)... If not then "Houston we have a problem...." One good thing... if there is an egg busting out we will know exactly WHEN and can time TTCSex better.

I have to go back tomorrow and pick up my blood work slip... They wanted the RE to see ALL the labs from the old doctor before before I get new blood work... no sense running the same tests... I want him to see the acceptable levels on my Antithrombin III, Protein C and Protein S. I know I will have a lipid panel, TSH, anticardiolipids (again), Testosterone, Progesterone, and a couple of more... (Wow.. fertility doctors sure are fun!)

The nurse opinion is that I have sticky blood and just need the lovenox and she told me to keep up with the baby aspirin that I have been taking... I will also start prometrium supplements this month!!! That is exciting because I want to know that my hcg will actually have a chance to double if I get pregnant. We are doing EVERYTHING... Once you are in an RE's office be READY for fast paced doctoring and lots of tests!!!! I actually feel like I was listened to and taken care of... all in the same visit... Whoa...

Ok.. That's it for the visit...

Mr. D. and I are putting up the tree tonight (early... I know.. but who cares!!!) and watching ELF. I love decorating the house for the holidays.. we do something in every room. It will be beautiful.

Side note***About the haters... Several of the women who wrote mean things on the board about me have posted how angry they are that I posted their comments on my blog... even though I didn't use their names. I find it so ironic that they are upset with me for posting exactly what they wrote on a public message board... and yet they are not remorseful at having actually written it.

Also... The reason that I stay on PW is because of the support from the women there who know me... These are women that I have grown close to and who really do "get it" and really understand how frustrating TTC can be. I also feel like even though it is a Pregnancy Weekly board it is an Actively Trying page and we are actively trying... reeeeeally trying... I I feel like I do belong there... as long as I am wanted. To Erin, Lauren, Jenna, Chasity, Kathryn, Lesley, JennieG, and so many other friends from PW (even Amanda and Kelly) thank you for defending me and caring enough about me to stick by me. You guys are as real to me as my "real life" friends and I hope I can support you as much as you have supported me lately. I do lourve you all.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Monday, November 22, 2004

Anonymous... you may want to check this out...

We know who you are... thanks to the PW moderators and the Blogger Webmaster.

We have your ip address and that can tell the police where you live...

There are laws against what you are doing... Both here and on PW...

check it out...

"Cyberstalking is not easy to define, and no universal definition is accepted. [2] One possible definition is "the use of the Internet, e-mail or other electronic device to hound another person. It can involve ongoing harassing or threatening behavior. " [3] Query whether this definition really rises to the level of cyberstalking. Is hounding enough?
Perhaps a better definition comes from the 1999 Deparment of Justice ("DOJ") Report on Cyberstalking ("DOJ Report") that refers to cyberstalking as "the use of the Internet, e-mail, or other electronic communications device to stalk another person." [4] The DOJ further clarifies stalking as "harassing or threatening behavior that an individual engages in repeatedly. " [5] The Internet is a highly efficient way for stalkers to do what they have always done – intimidate, terrorize, and harm their victims. With the Internet, the perpetrator can be a stranger across the country (or even another country) or a co-worker "as close as the next cubicle. " [6]
Cyberstalking takes many forms: sending hostile e-mails to the victim, spreading untruths in a chat room, and even posing as the victim in chat rooms and e-mail messages. [7]

So... Once again... Your posts are not welcome here...

If you spam me again... I will take action.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Trolls on PW... and lurking here... fuck off!

I have a TROLL problem... no... not here... but on Pregnancy Weekly... Mainly for my now infamous "accutane advice". Here is the thing... Melissa, the accutane girl, went over to another page and they all got upset over my "bitterness and hateful" advice of telling her not to take accutane and that is causes birth defects...

These are actual posts from the PW message boards directed at me... well me and the other women TTC... but mostly me.

*I have not included names to protect the guilty... except for Melissa (aka Bella&Taeos&?'smama ) ...who has posted on the Pregnancy Weekly Actively Trying page and the March 2004 page... who can not keep her mouth shut! This is the kind of person that she and is just an example of what kinds of things she and her friends have said over the past week.

***ADDENDUM - I decided to take out the name calling that I posted earlier about Melissa... mainly because although it felt good to write them.. I don't normally call people those names...I sunk to her level and I shouldn't have. For that and that alone I am sorry. BUT.. I really cracked up when Melissa's response on PW was more concerned that I questioned her appearance and made fun of her acne than about taking accountability for the vicious things that she has written. So, I have taken out my personal jabs at you honey... but I will say this... Melissa..." Pretty is as pretty does..."

Melissa wrote.. (making fun of my posts about not being able to conceive....):
"I came to pregnancy weekly cuz I have no kids and desperatly want a baby but am having no luck concieving one. I came here to rage and snarl at those who have babies and now they are firing back at me, so I must leave you insensitive little b!tches. I am going to cry and rub some lotion on my cervix and count how many days its been since af and pray to the heavens above and cry and take 12 pregnancy tests in one day even though my period isnt late. Screw you all.Yah know I dont like poking people especially with a sensitive subject, but HELLO! You come to pregnancy weekly, what in the world do you think you would find, PREGNANT WOMEN WITH KIDS! Holy $hit can it be??!! If I were ttc and had no kids I would go to before I ever went to something called gosh I guess You just really need a high iq to get that one.
That is me taking quotes from all the freaken posts on ttc, bitter women, bitter bitter women"

Melissa's (confused) friend wrote:
"Oh ok, I'm cool with that, haha. I wasn't sure what was going on, lol. "

Another wrote:
"YEAH, i'm bitter, I sprinkled them (girls TTC) with baby dust, and the didn't even say THANK YOU..."

And Another wrote:
"Bitter is just the tip of the iceberg....I honestly think....
some of those women would drowned their own dog if she had the nerve to have puppies! LOL"

Melissa replies:
"Thanks girls, I guess they are all just upset since they are bonking every chance they get, and then there is me, dont sneeze around me or I'll be pregnant "

Her friend says (referrering to my accutane response):
"That's no excuse to be so damn mean! I really wanted to say that the reason some of them can't get PG is probably because their insides are ate up with hate, but then I'd be being mean. LOL, and your welcome Melissa....
we love ya here! BTW, what does BFN mean? I was afraid to ask over there... "

And yet another:
"Maybe these women would get pregnant if they'd get off the damn computer and go ****!"

OK... OK... OK...
Wow... I wonder why I feel so alone in my infertility isues. There are so many people out there who really "get it" I am so wrong to be bitter...

Maybe now my husband will sneeze on me and we will have a kid...

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Party of Six.

Morning of cd 33... no AF... another BFN... ok... what the fuck???

I need to start my PCOS testing in the first 5 days of my cycle and I am starting to get worried that if AF doesn't show soon that I will have to wait another month because I am sure my RE will be closed AT LEAST Thursday and Friday for Thanksgiving! What the FUCK???

Having an "Italian Thanksgiving" small dinner party tonight... Mr. D., me, and 4 of our actor friends are coming over at 7... Ric, Patrick, Frank, and Chris.... all gay men so there will be absolutely NO talk of pregnancy or babies... yea!!!! Unfortunately there will be gobs of conversation about how fucked our regional theatre world is ... which... (since I haven't been on stage in well over a year... and my whole world is focused around my infertility issues and babies...) will be really boring to me... You just can't win.

On the menu...(the theme for the evening is EASY...)

Appetizers - assorted bread with olive oil and roasted garlic dipping sauce and bruchetta (sp?).

Salad- spring mix with blue cheese, red onions, perchuttio (sp???) with Italian dressing.

Main Course - Cheese ravioli and garlic bread... (Mr. D. also wants to cook plain spaghetti... which is so weird to me... He thinks that we need another main course... but isn't that like serving pasta with a side order of pasta???)

Dessert - unknown...probably some fancy store bought cake with pretty icing from the Central Market bakery.

Coffee and biscotti afterwards.

Mr. D. cleaned the house yesterday while I was at work so I just have to scrub the bathrooms and set the table... and probably vacuum again so I have nice lines in the carpet.

I am so looking forward to tonight... but I am a little afraid that AF may show up (which I WANT her to) but I don't need the cramps and bloating that she usually brings on the first day!

I'll let you know how it goes...

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Wish I may... Wish I might...

cd 30... no AF... this must be one of those 32-34 day cycles I have... was in a really decent mood today... so no bad PMS... although I do feel that slight cramping that means the bitch will be here... soon...

Do you ever wish...

Ok... I am actually gonna say it...

Do you ever wish... that you could wish infertility on someone????

(Lightning strikes!!!!)

Not permanent infertility... I am not that mean and heartless... but just to give some of the fertiles a little taste of what it feels like to be me. You all know the fertiles I mean... (if not... go back and read my post from two days ago.) I just wish that for a little while these ladies could stand in my shoes... they don't even have to walk a mile... just STANDING in my shoes or the shoes of most of the infertiles I know would probably riock them to the core.

*To know the pain of sitting in a OB/GYN... NOT pregnant... again...
*To stay up all night cramming for your Phd. in Googlology with a masters in infertility...
*To know ALL the cutesy terms like BBT, "o", HPT, IUI, IVF, and ANA...
*To cry every time you get AF because you were so sure you were pg..
*To not trust your own body... even hate you body
*To stop walking through the baby department on your favorite shops because it hurts to damn much...
*To have people ask you"When are you gonna have a baby?" and really not know IF you CAN have a baby....
*To listen to assvice after assvice while smiling and knodding because it is you mom, pr sister, or friend who is talking...

I just wish I could give people a short a "It's A Wonderful Life" look at how your life would be if you were in my shoes...

Maybe then ... When I granted their precious fertility back... they could finally shut the fuck up.

Tag... You're it.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Let it shine... let it shine... let it shine!

Cd 29...

My face is so greasy... no I mean seriously GREE-SEE. Not radiant, glowing or shimmering... but like someone slathered Crisco on my face... Like Ashley Judd in all the movies where she is some sweaty sultry Southern belle with a heart of gold trying to run from the Feds, or the lawyers, or the sharks, or some man the beats her up but you know by the end of the movie she is gonna kick his teeth in and shot him right between the eyes... you know... greasy like that... but without the sultry part.

I have 4 theories why...

1. I am pregnant and greasy face is somehow the only pregnancy symptom I have... Bahahahahahah... I so crack myself up! (at least the 3 BFN's this week still haven't effected my sense of humor)

2. The new EXPENSIVE face gel with salasyllic (sp?) acid for zits and glycolic acid for wrinkles is not agreeing with my face... although I am less broken out and more just... well.. slick. The stuff was $60 bucks so I will keep using it and see what happens.

3. The weather... suddenly cold... I always have "problematic skin" in the fall and spring when the weather here in Texas changes on a dime... It was 75 degrees on Sunday and then 40 degrees on Sunday... you know... normal Texas autumn.

4. AF's way of barging in here THIS month... (although.. this is not normal...) I guess the bloating, sore boobs, irritability, and depression just weren't enough for that cow this month. She had to add shiny to her list... Well thanks a whole-fucking-lot!

Anyway... I used several Kleenex throughout the day to blot the sheen from my T-zone... I am not kidding... it feels like someone has rubbed baby oil all over my face!!! There is not enough powder or blotting papers in the world folks!

Ok...gotta go eat a whole pizza, french fries, a huge bar of chocolate and a giant coke...

(that was a joke you slimy shiny greaseball!)

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Monday, November 15, 2004

Ridding the world of injustice.... THE INFERTILE

I love you Ollie... you are the total inspiration for this post!!!!
Today... I channeled THE INFERTILE and she beat the shit out of some Asshats!!!

I started so much shit on the Pregnancy Weekly (Actively Trying page) today that I should be ashamed... but... I am not. In fact I am quite proud of my posts and hope the pregnant idiots that were fighting with me get hemorrhoids.

I must say that contrary to my post last month entitled "I Hate Pregnant Women" ( I don't in fact hate them all... just the ones who now want to visit the TTC webpage and give assvice on how I "should" be feeling, acting, dealing, reacting, praying, and living. Those are the bitches that I whipped up on today. I had a MAJOR moment as THE INFERTILE (aka Ollie's brilliantness... I LOVE you!!!) And lets just say I kicked some overbearing, asshat wearing, smack talking, stupidity preaching, pregnant ass!

First there was the girl who was posting about taking the acne medicine accutane and getting pregnant and how her pharmacist said that it is not that bad... hello you fucking moron....

Then there was the sweet wide eyed ingenue who wanted to give us the "just relax and it will happen for you" Asshole.

Then there was the vengeful pregnant lurker who yelled at me for telling the accutane princess that it was certainly NOT ok to get pregnant on that drug because of the SEVERE birth defects it causes... This bitch was a winner... she basically said I was "mean and hateful and filled the board with negativity on a daily basis...." Fuck you!!!!!!!!!! I am negative but only because asshats like you have made me that way!!!!!!!

Then... there was this beautiful post... I am proud to say this idiot got her ass handed to her on a plate...

"I have been watching this board for a few months and have a question. How many here want to have a baby, and how many want to be pregnant? They are two different things. I know that adoption is not always easy, however it is very apparent that neither is pregnancy for some people. I have never had a hard time getting pregnant, but have a friend who has spent five years and untold thousands of dollars trying to get and stay pregnant. It baffles me that she would become so focused on being pregnant when, if she really wanted to be a mother, she could have been there by now. She could have put a child through college with the money she has spent. Why? Does the focus change away from motherhood to pregnancy at some point? Is there a sense that you are missing out on something if you don't get to be pregnant? "


Finally my parting advice to the pregnant lurkers on the PW TTC board....


Please stop posting advice that begins with "I have never had trouble getting pregnant but..."

Please stop "lurking" on this page and the disciplining us when we have an opinion that is not cheerful.

Please stop posting pictures of your babies and asking us to "vote" for them in a contest.

Please stop calling us bitter or angry or depressed or sad or any other adjective that you come up with to describe our negative feelings and how they are bad.

Please stop asking us about our miscarriages.

Please stop posting about how you "finally got pregnant" after 3 long months on this page...

Please continue to support us but only if you can refrain from being so insensitive!

So that was my day... I was consumed with rage and took it out on a bunch of pregnant lurkers on my TTC board. I got absolutely NO work done today... Was in a funk and it felt good to speak my mind.

Here is the link if you want to re-live my day... I post under jampri...

A special thanks to all my friends on PW who stood up for me... Especially my super buddy ErinD!!! I lourve you girl!!!!!!

Now I will slip out of my THE INFERTILE halloween catsuit and get into my warm jammies, have some warm milk, and go to bed.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Sunday, November 14, 2004


Thanks for all of you answers to my burning questions post... I really love getting to know you all and feeling the support that comes from Blogland.

I am taking it easy today. It is a cold and rainy day here... the perfect day to get another BFN. I am on cd 26... AF should be here in a couple of days and I am just plain old... sad.

I am not the person that I was before my miscarriages... My job is overwhelming me... (it never did before), I don't look forward to things, I am not silly and happy as I was before, I am not driven to better myself, I am depressed... All that matters is getting pregnant.

I feel wrecked.

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Thursday, November 11, 2004

Burning Questions vol.1

What I wonder about You...
I know that you are reading this and that most of you have a blog of your own... and lately I wonder about you. I no longer think of you as my imaginary friends but as real people who I look forward to seeing at the end of a long day... So, I thought that once a week or so I would just post a few questions that I am wondering about the people who stop by my blog...

1. Roll call...
(Who is reading and where in the world are you??? I usually don't get many comments but I know you are out there...)

2. Does your hubby or partner know about your blogging?
(Mr. D. does know about my blog and I think he reads it pretty regularly... But it took me several weeks to get up the nerve to tell him about it in the first place. He says that he likes reading it... but sometimes it makes him a little uncomfortable like he is reading my diary or something. If you don't have a blog... does your hubby know that you seek support from online friends?)

3. Do your friends and family know that you have a blog and do you let them read it?
(Nic is my only friend that I have told about my blog... Oh.. she called me from London last night and everything is fine... they have just been getting settled and she has been REALLY sick... She is 11 weeks now so hopefully that morning sickness will subside for her soon. I actually have told my mom and my brother that I write a blog... but I won't tell them the address... I tell them that it is "therapy"...)

4. Do you sometime long to tell everyone you know about your blog?
(Sometimes I do... I just wish they could understand me better and know how I am feeling and when I need more support... but I don't think I would ever really put it out there... to weird...I mean... if they don't care enough to ask how I am doing... why would they wan to read about it on the internet???)

5. Do you keep a hard copy of your blog entries?
I have been thinking about how to do this... If I should print it out with comments or just keep it on a disk... Any suggestions??? I would like to be able to keep my blog as a journal and someday (when they are grown) share it with the children I am trying so desperately to have... but have a weird fear that one day I will log in to Blogger and everything will be gone...)

That is it for my burning questions this week.. Thanks for indulging me... I really do wonder about YOU.

PS... I am 10 dpo (if I "O"???) I have had pings and pangs in my tummy... and last night noticed my sore boobs. I am totally chalking this up to stress and progesterone cream. I am proud to say that I have not started the HPT self torture this month yet... My goal is to hold off until Sunday morning before I start testing.... That way I will be on cd25 before I start testing and driving myself bonkers...

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Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The PCOS Decision

I think Mr. D and I have decided to do the PCOS testing. I found out that my insurance pays for testing and prescriptions... but not treatment.... great... but at least it will get me closer to knowing what the fuck is going on. The main reason I am doing the testing is the comment from Jen P. ( after my blog entry about the Fertility Specialist... Jen... I sound EXACTLY like you... "normal periods" every 30 -33 days... hairy chin.... not exactly overweight... etc... So thank you for sharing. The only thing that is still weird is that I never get a positive OPK... and one of the symptoms is higher than normal LH and false positives on OPK's. Still lots of confusion on my end.... So we will monitor the follicles during my next cycle (due around the 20th...), ask for the blood work that Jen P. has suggested, and try to find out if there is a concern. Plus it would be REALLY nice to find out if there is a reason for the 10 pounds and the hairs on my chiny chin chin... gross.

I still have some reservations about Dr. Try Me... but I am going to give him and his office a "try" anyway... why? I'm lazy. And want to get the testing done ASAP and not wait to "get to know" another doctor.

So now I am slightly worried that it would be my luck to get pregnant this month... I am 8 dpo (assuming that I do "o") I have has lots of midcycle cramping and this morning my boobs felt a little weird. Of course now I am paranoid that if I am pregnant the egg is bad and I will m/c again... So I am going to take Kath's ( advice and try not to panic. But I am a little nervous... but I probably don't have a real reason to be.

Totally off topic.... Remember my friend Nic... (got pregnant 29 days after her wedding and moved to London last month...) Well... it has been over 2 weeks since I have heard from her... I have emailed her but she doesn't respond... that makes me nervous... Is she OK? Did I ruin our friendship by being jealous of her baby??? Anyway... Nic... if you are reading this... what is up?

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Sunday, November 07, 2004


Happy 33rd Birthday to Me...

The Loot (all from Mr. D.!!!)

A one cup "pod" coffee maker for work
68 coffee pods... Mr. D is a total over achiever
New silverware... 8 place settings + serving pieces
A gorgeous sweater in autumn colored stripes
nourishing olive face masques from Bath and Body Works
Two Thanksgiving-ish knic knack things for the house

$$$ from Mom
$$$ from Grandma
a phone call from Dad

Dinner with my brother and the in-laws tomorrow night... (might get more gifts!!!)

After waking up and having a looovely present opening ceremony Mr. D tells me that we are going to a fancy brunch at Blue Mesa (Mexican food... yum). As we are leaving the house I take my antibiotic for my uti and head out the door to go eat... By the time we are seated I am completely nauseous... YOU DON'T TAKE ANTIBIOTICS ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!!! But I was sure I would be OK... I got some water and bread and tried to eat but.... Well... Mr. D. had a wonderful brunch and I spent 15 minutes puking in the potty. I felt better afterward.. but not really good enough to eat...We sat there for an hour and a half while I drank what ended up being a $17 sprite since we had already paid for the brunch! I did finally eat some chocolate flan... but I just could not bring myself to eat any Mexican brunch food! I guess this is sort of what morning sickness is like... yipee... sign me up!

The day did get much better.... Mr. D. spend the afternoon shopping and being all snuggly. I just adore my husband... he didn't even get mad that I ruined my romantic birthday brunch that he planned for us.

All in all it was a great birthday... except for the vomiting.

Note - in case you are wondering hopefully... I am only 6 dpo so there is no chance it actually WAS morning sickness... it was the meds... for sure... (but would that be great if some magical way it WAS morning sickness????) nope.. I am sure it was the meds...

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Saturday, November 06, 2004

Fertility Specialist... an oxymoron?

So the visit to Dr. Try Me proved to be confusing... I don't know what I expected, but I left with a second opinion very different from my first opinion.

shit... why can't this be easy????

I'll start at the beginning. Dr. Try Me is a OB/GYN specializing in Infertility... he is not an RE (I am not sure if that is a problem). His office is nice... (not super fancy) and (is this weird) is attached to a Laser Hair removal office.... I knew they were next to each other but I didn't know they were actually attached. I don't know why this seems odd to me... is it?

Dr. Try Me was very casual. His desk was messy (I am very anal) but he spent and hour talking with me.... Here are the basics...

After looking at my thick chart he wants to check for PCOS. This was very surprizing to me because I have clockwork periods and have just assumed that I ovulate every month. The main reasons he wants to check are...

1. I have gained about 10 lbs recently... mainly from eating like shit... BUT... it is not the gain that concerns him... it is the inability to lose the weight... I am one of those people that can go on a strict diet and spend HOURS a week at the gym afor 6-8 weeks and not lose a pound... Seriously... once I even hired a personal trainer and she was baffled.... I think she thought I was secretly cheating on my diet... but I really wasn't.
2. I have these weird chin hairs that I am obsessed with plucking... Not like 2 or 3.... Like 20... Really dark.... I am Italian and have always just thought this was part of it.... but maybe my facial hair is "excessive..."
3. My m/c's.... maybe the egg was not "good quality" to begin with.

I think these are the only PCOS indicators I have... My original Dr... (Dr. Good) didn't seem to think PCOS was a possibility when I asked him.... but apparently he wrote that it could be a possibly in my chart so Dr. Try Me is interested in following up with several ultrasounds to moniter my follicles next cycle. They will also do blood work and check my progesterone to see if there is a need for suppliments since no one has ever actually checked my progesterone. He also recommends vaginal instead of the oral ones Dr. Good suggested.

Oh in case anyone was wondering... he also said that OPK are mostly crap and most people have trouble with them.. he doesn't recommend spending the $$$.

Dr. Try Me also disagreed with Dr. Good on the use of Lovenox... He said that he "probably" wouldn't use it because he did not think the anticardiolipids were causing my m/c... because of how early I m/c-ed and because we never got to see a heartbeat.

He also did not think that he would categorize me as a "high risk" pregnancy... He did not think that my blood work indicated the need for a specialist once I had a viable pregnancy. He also categorized my 2 pregnancies as a probably "chemical pregnancy" since we never saw the heartbeat (which I did not like) and said we would be in a whole different ballgame one we saw a heartbeat.

He seemed nice and sure of his plan... I am scared of the PCOS... When I googled it... the news was pretty scary... I also am still surprised that he thinks this might be the problem.... I swear to God I OVULATE! But... my problem might be sickly over-insulined testosterone-y eggs...

So here I sit... not exactly sure if I should do the follicle monitoring.... Mr. D. was working so he wasn't there to hear everything and meet Dr. Try Me.... so I guess I am on my own....

I do not want PCOS...

Calling all infertiles for much need advice on this news....

WWID... What Would Infertiles Do?

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Friday, November 05, 2004

November 5, 2004

Today was my EDD... November 5, 2004.

I think I got all of my emotional breakdowns out of the way last week because today... well.. I just ignored it.

I was busy all day and didn't give myself the chance to obsess that I "could've/ should've" had a baby today... I just ignored it.

just ignoring it felt good... is that a bad sign?

Sunday is my 33rd birthday...

...maybe I'll just ignore that too.

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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

I Need Advice.. no assvice please....

I am cheating on Dr. Good.

I have an illicit appointment scheduled for tomorrow. His name is Dr. Try Me. I need to find a new doctor that I like as much but who is closer to my home and delivers at the non-scuzzy hospital that is 2 miles from my doorstep. I love Dr. Good... but his office reminds me of my 2 m/c's and he always makes me wait an hour. Dr. Try Me is nearby and that is all I know about him...

I am seeing Dr. Try Me tomorrow (an OB/GYN and Fertility Specialist) and I am trying to make a list of questions for him about his policies and procedures for both OB care and miscarriage... I also want to get a second opinion on all the tests I have had lately...
Here is what I have so far...

1. Look over my charts and see if he agrees with Dr. Good about progesterone & Lovenox for the next pg.
2. Policy on seeing him on short notice or getting an u/s.
3. Does he do transvag u/s... (he should he is a fertility specialist)
4. Will I be classified as "high risk" and have a perinatal specialist... how often will they see me?
5. How fast can they get those friggen hCG #'s to me?
6. Will he see me the SECOND I see 2 lines on the pg test to prescribe progesterone and Lovenox?
7. uhm... do you think I have damaged eggs? How do you find out?
8. Why can't I get a fucking positive on a OPK??? I have periods... I have been pregnant twice.. I have to be "o-ing" right?

IF I MISCARRY AGAIN... please god no...
1. Will he let me try to m/c naturally... I would rather not d&c unless I have to for medical reasons.
2. Do they offer any m/c treatment or counseling after? (I think ALL doctors should... but I don't think any do.
3. Will he promise that my hCG numbers double and another m/c isn't a option?

Two for one?
Satisfaction guaranteed?
A Happy Healthy Baby... no matter what???

Can you help me think of questions to grill this guy? I want to leave knowing that I will get good care at his office whether I have a baby or another m/c (God forbid.)
Thanks girls! You are the best.

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Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Sunny Side Up???

Yesterday was 13 DPO... In the past 2 pregnancies I have conceived on day 13... but yesterday I got a negative on a OPK... We had TTCSex anyway... just in case.

Went to buy a OPK... Funny story... yesterday I sent Mr. D. to Target for a OPK.. they were out.... I stopped by Eckards... OUT! (Is EVERYONE TTC???) Finally I went to Walgreens and found them. Walked up to the counter and guess who was working??? G.M.... one of my goofy male students!!! I actually got a big smile out of him (they always freak when they see you out side of school) and I "Oh hello Mrs. D... What are YOU doing here???" (very Eddie Haskle) I just said WTF and bought them anyway... he probably doesn't know what they are....

I don't think I understand OPK's... I don't think I have ever seen a true positive... I always get a faint line. Actually this is the first OPK I have purchase in about a year and a half because I got frustrated with the constant faint line. But I know that I ovulate because I have conceived twice... on cd13. I hope that doesn't'"t mean there is something wrong with my eggs. (My doctor had never checked my eggs... just a million blood, urine, and pap tests) I remember in my early 20's spending a lot of time in the dreaded tanning bed... Did I fry up my eggs? What if I have sunburned eggs?

At least we had out traditional lucky day 13 rendezvous....

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