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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Random Ketchup

Sorry no post for over a week... you know how spring is...

For those of you that admired my beautiful pet memorial stone it came from.... I can not recommend them more... I was moved to tears when I opened the package and saw the beautiful stone.

Mr. D. and I are in the ttc phase of the month... I think today is cd 15 or 16...

There is a post that I have been meaning to write... it is all about moving on to the next step... whether that means more treatment... adoption... fostering... giving up... just moving on. But the problem I have with ttc is how are you supposed to move to the next step when every month brings the possibility of conceiving a child the "natural" way?

Every month after AF shows up I find myself in an angry "we have got to do something" mode. I make phone calls... we go to meetings... I give up hope and think it is time to do "something" else. But as cd 14 starts creeping near I begin feeling that hopeful nag of "maybe this is the month of your miracle"... "maybe you won't have to go through all of this (a) money (b) discomfort (c) headaches (d) paperwork (e) meetings and training (f-y) bullshit or (z) heartbreak to have a baby. "Maybe you will just make magical love to your husband and get perfectly, healthily, and finally pregnant."

I spend the 2nd half of my cycle doing nothing but holding on to that hope.... not following up on phone calls... not refilling prescriptions... not battling the paperwork... not facing the facts that I need to continue on to plan B for my life... not doing anything but holding on to that hope... praying for the tiny life that may be growing inside of me... calculating my due date... and looking at all the baby websites like a crazy woman.

Then AF shows up again and it is time to start the cycle of confusion again.

I have read infertility described as a grief process that never ends. You can never get through all the stages of grief (especially with unexplained infertility like mine) because each month brings another little devastation... You can never heal because infertility is like a giant scab that is ripped off every single month with no chance to ever get better. Because of hope we always have a fresh wound to deal with.

So my question is this... How do I move on? How do I give up the hope that everything is really going to be ok... so I can start taking the steps to "make" it ok?

I am not sure if any of this makes sense... it is just the ramblings that are floating around in my head month after month... disappointment after disappointment.

Two other things...

Anyone watching Notes from the Underbelly? It is hard for me to watch.. and the worst part is when I do watch I have conflicting feelings of thinking it is a really hip, funny, and enjoyable show and that I hate them for making pregnancy seem like the most natural thing in the world (because we all know that people only have sex one time and get pg in the movies... right???) The fact that there are jokes that I don't find funny and cliches that I long to be apart of just make it difficult to laugh at... but... I still think I like it... am I crazy?

Also... I have broken down and joined the myspace generation... mine is private... but if you want to be my friend email me your myspace and I will add you. It is kind of lame so far... but if I had more "friends" it would be better...

Believe it or not... we are having another storm and I have to end this post because we may have to get back into the closet... Texas weather is so weird. Tornado's suck... don't worry too much... now it looks like it is going to miss us completely... Weather is soooo weird!

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Weekend in Pictures...

Friday night brought MAJOR storms and tornado's very close to us... in fact , a tornado touched down less than 10 miles from our house and left a great deal of devastation. It was sort of scary... especially when Mr. D. said it was time for the 6 of us (2 grown ups, 3 cats, and a puppy) to get in to the newly renovated green apple closet! We never lost power so we sat in the closet floor and watched the little TV, lit our candles in case we lost power, stopped the flights between the freaked out animals and listened to our house get pummeled with hail... and I took

pictures of the whole thing! Which in hindsight... I think... annoyed Mr. D. a little... who was trying to save our lives. He is such a great protector!

Look at these balls of hail! Luckily we had only about 45 seconds of intense hail... and there was no damage... thank God.

Two good buddy's birdwatching... (note that Truman still likes to sit on top of Lenny whenever possible... WTF is that about????

My lavender roses on front of the house in bloom!
The newest addition... yellow climbers and nice stone benches... this is Emmitt's garden.

A couple of weeks a go, during out first nice weather, we were able to bury the remains of our beloved Emmitt. I had this gorgeous stone made for him through a company I found on the Internet! I just love it and it gave me such a good feeling to have such a nice stone and area for our little friend.

Pink roses bigger than bread plates right outside my bedroom window! I have 6 rose bushes around the 3 bedroom picture windows and they are in full bloom... beautiful.
Just wanted to share the spring!

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Saturday, April 07, 2007

Happy Easter Eve... and Morning... aka... CD 1

Tonight Mr. D. and I had a lovely Easter Eve...

I had dinner ready when he got home from his 2 show plus 4 hour rehearsal for the next show Saturday... A yummy 10,000 calorie dinner of tequila fettuccine with spinach and peas.
I spent the afternoon making carrot cupcakes and we decorated them in coconut cream cheese icing. Then we colored Easter eggs.
I worked really hard not to feel too down today about another Easter passing and still no child to share it with. Easter is one of those family portrait type holidays with really sweet kids clothes and fun stuff to do with kids... it is very easy to get depressed on these kinds of holidays when you don't have any children to call you own. I have tried to ignore the holidays before... but this year I decided to do all the things I wanted to do... to embrace the fun of Easter... even without a child... We had a good time doing all the traditional stuff... I can't wait until the morning to see what shows up in our baskets!

I will post more in the morning after the bunny comes! I have a feeling he is bringing Mr. D. a "themed" gift!

More later...

In the morning.... The TRUE Easter witch arrived today... cd 1.

Happy Easter everyone!

Here are some pictures to share...
The cupcakes from last night! So cute! WE are taking them to Mr. D.'s cast since they have a 2pm show... yes ON EASTER... That's what you get for doing a show about the Easter Bunny being kidnapped!

Our eggs... not too pretty... next year we will go back to the plain old fashioned one color eggs! No glue... no cut and paste... and no glitter! Yuck!

Mr.D.'s "movie" themed basket... complete with dvd's, movie candy, movie tickets, a movie trivia book, a Blockbuster card, and of course... popcorn!
(I also strung the peeps, popcorn and jelly beans to make it a little more Easter-y!)
My "Beach" themed basket. (How did the bunny know we are heading back to Seaside, Florida in late June???) I had a chocolate bunny, a sunhat, very chic white sunglasses, a new (not so itsy-bitsy-teeny weeny... or yellow) polka dot bikini, a really pretty cover up... and it all came inside the bunny cookie jar! How clever!
We also found that the bunny left us some beautiful... Serenity Windchimes... if you haven't heard these.. they are like the Stradivarius of windchimes... a beautiful zen sound for our back yard.
Finally, we had a cute little hummingbird visitor this morning. Mr. D caught a rare snapshot of him resting on our hammock! This one is really chunky! We named the two hummingbird that visited us last year... Cappichino and Maxwell... not sure if this is one of them coming back... bigger... But I am calling this one Frappachino since he is so chubby!
Have a great day with you families everyone!
Happy Easter!

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