cd... who cares?

I tested again... still negative. I guess we are just waiting for AF now.

My dog Emmitt is sick... we are worried that he is in liver failure.. he is not eating regularly & vomiting. Mr. D. called the vet this morning... she said there is not much we can do for him... except try to keep him comfortable. No matter how much I try to prepare myself I just can't imagine him not being here. Tonight he ate cooked chicken as I hand fed him... he seemed more normal... maybe he is faking us out. Hopefully he will rebound with the new liver meds the vet gave us to try. Today has been a very very hard day emotionally. It is hard to be at school and to be so sad. Mr. D. was great as usual... taking care of all the vet stuff. Please pray for my little pup... I know he is 14 and has had a great life... but I just feel so sad and I want to do the right thing for him when the vet tells us it is time. I am scared... and sad.

On to less depressing news..

Not to embarrass him... but... how many points does Mr. D. get for:
A. looking online for pre-seed
B. Finding it and doing the whole cost comparison thing...
C. Finding a pharmacy about 15 minutes away that carries it... and...
D. Going to pick it up to make sure we are ready for next month.
All without me saying a word!
Wow.. I was impressed.

Going to snuggle with my puppy.

BFN.

I tested this morning.
It was negative.
Actually the test read "NOT PREGNANT".
I think those tests are sort of blunt and mean.
I will buy the less expensive kind with the lines next time.
I am somewhere between 12 - 15 dpo...
I don't think it was too early to test.
I believe the test.
"NOT PREGNANT".
I have been crying all morning... I am having a hard time stopping.
Mr. D. reminded me that we got great test results and had great numbers this month.
So we should feel good about this cycle.
"It is only a matter of time now".
I love him so much.
This is so hard.
Jess called this morning at 9... and let me cry to her... it gave Mr. D. a break.
I am so lucky to have my great friends to support me.
I am going to go try to pull myself together.
Don't worry... I will be fine.
I am getting used to this.

Happy Thanksgiving

Six years ago my wonderful husband asked me to marry him on Thanksgiving Day night in the starlight on the beautiful white beaches of the Walt Disney World Wedding Pavilion. It was an incredible day that I will never forget. Every Thanksgiving I remember that my husband is the number one thing that I am thankful for on this day. It is so beautiful that we have such a special day to remember our engagement on.

I am so grateful for our families, our friends, and all the blessings God has given us. Sometimes in the midst of infertility it is hard to be grateful for all the things you have. Because of your overwhelming desire to have a child it is easy to take for granted all the other amazing things that you do have in your life. Mr. D. and I have so many things to be thankful for. Despite the years of fertility issues we still know that we are very fortunate in all other aspects of our lives. We both still have our parents and our families are all healthy, we have a lovely home, we take great vacations, we enjoy each other, we have successful careers, we have great friends, we have 4 sweet pets... and we are in love. Truly in love... the real kind. The forever kind.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and make memories that will make this day as special for you as it is for us.
Wishing you Blessings.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Not much to report...UPDATE

UPDATE - uhm.. my progesterone level came back at 56.2. That was before suppliments... and that is REALLY HIGH... They wanted to see over 20 to sustain a possible pregnancy. The nurse thought this was REALLY REALLY GOOD. Dr. Google assured me that a high progesterone level is NOT an indication of pregnancy... but it does indicate a healthy level IN CASE OF pregnancy. Sooo... anyone ever had a level that high? Ignore the rest of this post... Hope just waltzed into the room.

Today is my last day of school for 5 days (Thank God!). Things are getting a little stressful at work and I really could use a few days break.

I de-"fall"-ized my house on Sunday... but we have no started putting up all the Christmas stuff yet. We may decided to do it tonight and all day tomorrow... it will depend on how Mr. D feels... he wasn't feeling well yesterday. I would like to get all the Christmas stuff up by Thursday... but I don't want us to kill ourselves to do it. There is no "reason" to have it done by Thanksgiving... no one is coming over... it is just my own little OCD thing.

On Thanksgiving day we are having our very first combined family dinner at the Gaylord Hotel... From my family will be my dad and his wife and my brother and from Mr. D.'s will be his parents, and his sister, brother in law and their two kids. I am really looking forward to it and hope that everything goes well. Afterwards we are going to see the ICE presentation at the hotel. I think it will be fun... and the best part... no dishes or leftovers. I will try to post my "famous "turkey pot pie" recipe for those of you who have leftovers (especially you Jenn)... but this year I will have to make mine with chicken.

As far as TTC goes. I could take a pregnancy test on Friday... but I think I might wait a little. I am suddenly not feeling very hopeful. The hcg is probably out of my body by now... and my body feels mostly back to normal. Besides the bloated belly I don't really feel anything. Nic assured me last night that it is waaaaay to early to feel anything (8-10 dpo) but I just feel... uhm... not hopeful. I am scared to test.. I am scared to have to start a new cycle and pay for everything... (my insurance has officially quit on me.) So anyway... I will get through Thanksgiving and then think about when I will test and what I will do next.

Ok... off to work!

Whew...

A very busy weekend!

Friday night - Took goddaughter to the Movie Tavern for cheeseburgers and the movie FLUSHED AWAY... after the movie we "had" to stop for pumpkin pie gelato. When we got home g.d. took a "Hollywood bubble bath" in my jetted tub complete with candles, chocolate scented bubble bath, and the Disney channel on the tv. By 9:45 we were both worn out and by 10:15 when Mr. D. got home we were asleep!

Saturday morning - I went to the doctor for a progesterone blood draw. I told the nurse about the pain on my right side... She said it was likely one of the following
1. hyperstimulation and a swollen ovary
2. a cyst (folly) that didn't rupture with ovulation
3. endo or adhesions on that side
She told me not to exercise at all until we know what is going on (pregnant or not) and until the pain subsides... just in case it is hyperstimulation... we don't want a twisting ovary. So I can't even go to my Sunday yoga class because of al the body twisting.

then... Saturday morning cont. - Out to breakfast with Mr. D. and g.d.

Saturday afternoon - Mr. D. went to rehearsal and g.d and I spent 2 hours making these gorgeous gingerbread houses...




(we also made a huge mess! I should have taken pictures of that!) After we cleaned up we rested watched this version of PETER PAN.. by far the coolest movie version! We Mr. D. got home we went to fancy smancy shopping area for dinner and window shopping then it was time to go home and get ready for our surprise.

Saturday night - The BIG surprise!!! -YAY!!! We went to see the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular!!! It was so much fun! We had amazing seats and we all had a great time. After the show we went to downtown Dallas to look at the Christmas Nieman Marcus windows and then took a very sleepy g.d. home to her parents.

It was such a fun weekend!

Today I am planning to stay in and possibly start putting away all the fall decor and start dragging out the Christmas collectables. I am a weirdo who likes to have the house decorated by Thanksgiving morning... I love watching the Macy's parade under the Christmas tree. So I think this week will be filled with boxes all over my house but hopefully we will get it all done by Thursday! I am off work Wednesday - Friday instead of the usual full Thanksgiving week... so I have two full days of school left... which kind of sucks.

Or... I might just lay around in my pj's all day... since I can't go to yoga.

Ouch... the bloating!

I think I may have a mild case of Ovarian Hyperstimulation. For the past 4 days I have had bloating and pain in my lower belly. I have been eating GasX like crazy but the pinching/cramping pain never fully goes away on the lower right side... (strangely enough I had these same type pains both times I have been pregnant... in fact it was the reason I went to the hospital early on with my first pregnancy... I was scared I was ectopic... I wasn't.) I am watching my weight very carefully since rapid weight gain is a major symptom of hyperstimulation and so far I am ok. I am also drinking a lot of water since that is the first line of defense. I haven't called my nurse yet because it is Friday morning and I have an appointment with her on Saturday for a progesterone draw... so I will just talk to her about it in the morning.

And then it still could be major gas from the hcg...

Anyway... anyone ever had this?

OK... on the books for tonight and tomorrow with our goddaughter

tonight
Just me and g.d. (Mr. D is at rehearsal)
1. Out to the Movie Tavern for dinner and FLUSHED AWAY
or
2. Dinner and a movie in while decorating gingerbread houses.
or
3. shopping and a mani/pedi at a very fancy kids salon (they are "booked solid" for all day Saturday so we can't go then.)
(I thought I would let g.d. choose what we do)

tomorrow
Breakfast with Mr. D. while I am at the doctor... then we are on our own again from 11:30 - 4:30

1. decorate the gingerbread houses (since we already bought them)
or
2. window shopping in fancy scmancy area minus mani & pedi since they are booked.
or
3. go to the movies

tomorrow night
Mr. D. has a surprise planned for us girls... ???

OK... got to run... I am going to be late for work!

For no reason...

Just because...

When Mr. D. is in rehearsals he leaves the house at about 5:45pm... I, on the other hand, walk in the door these days about that same time (if I am lucky). So we do not see each other much during the week. Last night when I came in the house I walked into most wives dreams. The candles were lit, a beautiful pasta and salad dinner was on the table, the whole house was spotless, and a bubble bath complete with music, candles, magazines, fluffy towels & wine was waiting for me. It is not unusual for Mr. D. to make dinner for me... but this was special. I bet most husbands wouldn't even go through all this trouble on a birthday or anniversary... and mine just does it for no reason!

I got to see him for about 5 minutes before he had to leave for work... Then I had a whole evening to myself to have a lovely dinner, a bubble bath, and wine!

He said he just wanted to treat me to a nice dinner and bath because he knew I was working hard and having long days at school.

How sweet is that?

This Friday and Saturday I get to hang out with our 10 year old goddaughter while her parents go out of town. I am really excited... she is really cool and I think we will have a great time. Any fun ideas for a very sophisticated 10 year old? I am thinking girlie type stuff.... or maybe a museum... or some sort of craft project... I don't know... what do you girls think?

Let the wait begin...

All the sex has been had... now we will begin the dreaded wait. We were about to... you know... four times in our "window".... Wednesday night, (trigger on Friday morning), Friday night, Sunday morning, and Monday night. So everything depends on how "perfectly timed" everything was. And hopefully it was ok to go in the hot tub and steam room at the gym on Sunday... I don't know... after I was in for about 10 minutes I kind of panicked and got out... I sucks trying to "out nature" nature.

I am sort of tempted to take a pregnancy test just to see two lines even though I know it would just be the hcg trigger in my body... there is something so tempting about even a fake bfp when you have been chasing one for so long. But I won't... I mean I am not THAT crazy. (I'll just obsess about it instead.

My doctor has taken me off the progesterone supplements this week... they want to finish the clomid challenge test by seeing what my body does naturally after nice big follicles. I will get a blood draw on Saturday morning and as soon as the blood is drawn I will start the supplements again... that way they get an accurate reading but I start the progesterone within a week of ovulating... just in case that blood test comes back low. Then... on the next Saturday (the one after Thanksgiving) would be the earliest day we could do a blood pregnancy test. I am not sure when I could pee on an hpt with an accurate results... anyone know how long the hcg stays in your system? Since this trigger is new territory for me I am not that sure what to expect.

Symptoms so far... a lot of bloating, gas pains, breasts bigger... but not sore, and just general tummy puffiness and soreness. And believe it or not since I wore the estrogen patch (yesterday was my last day... I ripped it off last night) I have felt great... much more positive and energetic... could this mean I naturally have a estrogen deficiency? Can they check for that? Is this also normal? It could just be that this was my birthday week and everyone has been extra nice to me and that is why I am in a better mood... but... I sort of feel like it was the hormones.

That is it for now. I will keep you posted over the next week... I feel very hopeful... and that is super scary to me... I feel like I am setting myself up for a very big fall.

How about some creative ways to get through the dreaded two week wait?

What??? Good news???

Really good news at the doctor's office today. I had THREE mature follies! They were 25 and 23 on the left and 21 on the right. I got my very first hcg trigger shot and the nurse says it is very possible that I will release all THREE eggs. My lining had also thickened back up to a 7... so that is also really good. So now all we have to do is have sex non-stop for the next three days. The trigger will force me to ovulate in the next 37 hours so we had better get busy...

The shot made me feel a little strange. About 2 hours after I started feeling bloated and a couple of time when I have stood up my ovaries have felt like they were made of lead. The injection site is also a little sore... but after checking "Dr. Goggle" all these side effects seem to be normal. Other than that I felt really good today... very upbeat and positive and I got a lot done at work. So I am not sure if it was the good news or the hormones... but so far... I feel good.

Ok... I have to brag on my husband again (just a little). I didn't tell you this.. but a few days before my birthday I came home and the laminate top to my kitchen island was replaced with granite! This is something that I knew we were planning to do and we had already picked out the color together... but to come home from work and "poof" it is done... That is just how Mr. D. is... he loves to surprise me. I thank God every day for such a loving husband.

So... you already know about to my spa day but the next day he continued to go really over the top for my birthday... (Thank you SuperBowl commercial!) In the morning he gave me a small gift before school... it was one of my favorite purfumes, Maybe Baby by Benefit. That night I had several more gifts to open... two pair of pj's, 2 pair of yoga pants, a really nice MP3 player (and he had already loaded about 25 of my cd's on it), the car adapter for the MP3, a speaker system for my MP3, and a wonderful book on directing theatre. Then he wisked me off to PF Changs for a yummy dinner! I am so spoiled...
I am adding a couple of pics of the kitchen island... it is hard to tell but it is a really gorgeous dark blue-ish green with flecks of gold and cream. I like it so much.

So far 35 kicks 34's ass.

cd 14... updates...

Saw the nurse again today on cd 14. My u/s shower several growing follies... I had a 15, 13, 11, 10 & 9 on the right and a 13, 10, & 8 on the left. This time the u/s nurse said "you have a lot going on in there... what meds are you on? Just clomid... wow... I thought maybe you were doing injectables." The only slight problem is that my lining was pretty thin... three days ago it was a 7 and today it was a 3.9... The nurse put me on an estrogen patch and said to expect my boobs to swell.. a lot. greaaaaaat. But the patch should also cause that lining to thicken back up. I also got my day 10 FSH and estridol numbers back... FSH was 6.2... under 10 is normal and my estridol had risen (I think she said it was in the 250's) so that is also normal. So I am not in menopause... I did not fry up all my eggs in the early 90's in the tanning bed.

The plan is to keep ding my OPK's and call when I have a surge or go in for another u/s on Friday whichever comes first. Then I will get my very first hcg trigger and have sex... a lot. Hopefully the patch and the progesterone supplements (after I "O") will do their jobs.

Hope.

On the way home I started crying about my normal FSH results... just pure relief. Mr. D. looked over at me and said "wow... that patch works fast." Then we went to breakfast to celebrate how normal I am.

UPDATE - My husband rocks! He had this whole undercover birthday plan for me this afternoon. Since I turn 35 tomorrow he decided to spoil me like crazy today. School was out today for a "teacher workday" which at my school means that I have the day off. Unbeknownst to me he made AMAZING plans for our afternoon! Ok... so we all know I am a spa girl right? Well today Mr. D. took that to the extreme. We went to lunch about 11:30 in a really ritzy little area near us... I wasn't hungry but Mr. D. kept pestering me to eat... saying that I would need something to tide me over until dinner. So after lunch we walked all the little shops until we can across this brand new spa... He had me set up for the works!!! He dropped me off at 12:30 and they told him to come back for me at 4:00! After I changed i to my plush robe and slippers I had a wonderful eucalyptus foot soak in the relaxation room. Then my treatments began...

First I had this:

field of lavender dreams
90 minutes
The calming and balancing benefits of lavender create an unparalleled, all-encompassing spa experience, one that fully engages the senses and nourishes your body. Our sublime body-pampering treatment includes a two-step exfoliation, a hot stone back treatment, a warm, cocooning wrap, and a luxurious massage. 90 minutes of pure indulgence – therapy for the mind, body and spirit.

Then I took a break in the relaxation room again for about 15 minutes and then I had this:

the essential massage
60 minutes
A truly soothing transformation for the body and mind, and ideal for those new to massage therapy. Our essential massage utilizes classic Swedish massage techniques to ease away stress and tension, relaxing tired muscles, improving circulation and restoring emotional balance. Leaves your mind settled and your body wonderfully revitalized.

So if it sounds like I had a 90 minute massage and then a 15 minute break and the a 60 minute massage... yep.. that is what it was! HEAVEN!!! omg... I couldn't have dreamed for more... it was unbelievable! This spa is so nice... first class all the way... so if you have one near you I highly recommend it. I didn't have a pedicure but the pedicure chairs at this place recline all the way back... like a bed!!! After all the pampering Mr. D. picked me up and we went to a lovely pizza dinner at Brio. Anyway, I cannot say enough nice things about the spa... or about my fantastic husband who just goes over the top (and broke the bank) for me to have such a great day. AAANNNNDDD... he says there is more coming tomorrow on my actual birthday day! I am the luckiest wife in the world.

So.. my last day as 34 was an awesome day...
Thank you Mr. D. for all the wonderful things you do for me. I love you so much.

Maybe 35 will be the best year yet.

Recap cd 11

I had my cd 10 blood draw and u/s yesterday. My day 3 FSH was normal 6.5... they wanted it to be under 10. So now we are waiting to make sure this FSH is also normal. The u/s was weird... the u/s nurse said things like "oh you have nothing significant growing... well nothing over 12 and that is what we are expecting to see... You should have MUCH more than this on your high dose of clomid... it will be very interesting to see what your blood work says."

I was devastated.

10 minutes later when I saw the fertility nurse she said I looked fine... That I had several follies growing at 7, 8, 9, 11, & 12 and that we weren't expecting them to be huge or anything right now because we are "only" on day 10. I am to start my OPK's this weekend (even though we don't expect ovulation yet... I guess it is "just in case") and then go back for another u/s on Monday to see if any of then took off and became dominant. We are waiting for a mature folly 20 -22 and then we will do an hcg trigger.

So WTF? Is the nurse blowing smoke or was the u/s nurse (who does u/s every day all day long...) wrong to be so negative? It makes me really nervous about that FSH now.. and I was so excited that the first was was good... So... I am not exactly sure what to think.

My first RESOLVE meeting was last night There were 5 women and 1 spouse... 4 had miscarriages (3 of us multiple), 2 were in the middle of IVF, 1 was newly pregnant and really scared, and 1 had bad FSH numbers and was told that she is in early menopause at 35. Then there was me.

It was strange to tell your story in 5 or so minutes and realize how sad it sounds... or how clinical you make it... or how hopeful you can be... or how you just can't get through it without tears... And how all those feeling seem to cosmically line up with where you are in your cycle. I really enjoyed talking to everyone... it was the first time that I could talk with "real" people (not that you lovelies aren't "real" but you know what I mean) in my own abbreviated shorthand-speak and have everyone "get it".

I also realized as I talked.. that no matter how much therapy I have had, no matter how many self help books I have read, and no matter how much I have done to "deal with" this infertility stuff... I am still angry. I must've said the word angry about a gazillion times... (hopefully they don't think I am scary-angry-possible-baby-snatcher girl.) I am angry at so many things... fate, infertility, doctors, people who "don't get it", celebrities who obviously have fertility issues but don't talk about it, insurance companies, and people who say insensative things to me about infertility. I am angry that so many people can just get pregnant and have a baby like it is Frisian natural or something. I am angry that I feel broken and inadequate and that I have to go through such extrordinary measures to do something that "everyone else" seems to do with no problem. I am angry that I have to walk through this. I am angry at God.

There is a play that I have read about a man who loses a child and decided to write a letter of complaint to God.
He writes:

"Dear God,
Who the hell do you think you are?
~Charlie"

He feels bad for using such profanity with God and everyone tries to convince him that it is OK, he just said it because of the enormous pain he was under, and that God will understand. Then God writes back...

"Dear Charlie,
Who the hell do you think you are?
~God"

I know we all have things in our lives that we have to "get through". I know that. I also know there are people out there coping with much worse problems that I could even imagine. But this is still the hardest thing that I have ever had to walk through. It all just seems so unfair.

I really hope to see this group grow and I hope to meet more new friends that I can support through this... because after 4 years of very little "real" support... looking across the table at 5 other faces who knew the pain, bitterness, devastation, grief, fear, and worst of all the "hope rollercoaster" we ride every cycle. There was even a funny story about not holding the door for a pregnant woman with a stroller... Now that is a group that I can "get".