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Monday, February 28, 2005

Dr. New III

Saw the Dr. New III today...No miracle cures.

We looked over things and these are his opinion:

1. He suggested that I quit temping and go to using 2 OPK's a day to try to catch the LH surge... he doesn't like temping... he thinks it is to frustrating to the woman and too many things can influence the temp changes.

2. He thinks a lap is not a "bad" idea... but he says they can look at three things to help determine endo.. #1 the lap, #2 an HSG (mine was clear two years ago) and #3 Can you get pregnant? (I did twice.) Two outta three ain't bad.. I think we will continue to wait on the lap. If I am not pg by 34 (November) it may be time to do it... (my thoughts not Dr. New III's)

3. He doesn't prescribe oral progesterone vaginally.. he didn't say it was bad or wrong and he had heard of doing that... he just hasn't tried it.

4. He says he thinks the fact that I have not become pg again quickly is probably based on my age and not on something "wrong" or keeping me from getting pg. Jeez... I'm only 33....

5. He said that even if I did IUI or IVF... there is no guarantee that I won't m/c again... And no reason to think that I would... quite a paradox.

6. He thinks that we should not "burn up to much time" trying natrually because we want to have plenty of time to try again if I did have another m/c.

7. He said if I were 23 he wouldn't suggest anything but "trying" again naturally.. but since I am 33 he suggested trying clomid to stimulate a bigger follicle and therefore a bigger cyst on the ovary that would #1 make it more likely that I get pg each month and #2 that the bigger cyst would "probably" produce more progesterone naturally and help sustain the pg. That way we are hurrying things along a little. We can start clomid about 5 days after I get my period.

His big suggestion.. That we should do what we want and what we feel most comfortable with and nothing more.. that we have time to decide what is right for us and that he can't promise a miracle... but he will try to help me get and stay pg.

Clomid... here we come. (I think..) of course I have to know what the internet thinks before I make up my mind totally.. So... what do you think?

AF still has showed no signs... Got another BFN this morning... Dr. New III offered a blood test to make sure... I politely declined... who needs Hope creeping in at a time like this?

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Saturday, February 26, 2005

cd 32...

Do they even MAKE home pregnancy tests that have two freaking lines???? I am pretty sure after 9 months of TTC and using probably 5-10 HPT's a month... THAT IT IS A HUGE SCAM.

cd 32... final BFN of the month.

I will now be 34 before I have a chance of having my first baby. My mom had me at 32 and I always secretly wished for a young pretty mom instead of a mom that was "so much older" that everyone else's. I love my Mom.. she was a perfect mom... but I just always felt that she was old... Is that how my imaginary kid will secretly feel about me? The tears and the monthly meltdown are coming folks... I sit her and I can feel my eyes welling up and my throat tightening... If I don't stop typing I am going to lose it.

In 2 1/2 hours I will be at an audition that I am not prepared for auditioning for a part that I am not right for.... with some big shot NYC casting director... I have to pull myself together and not think about the single pink line right now...

... but the meltdown is coming girls... I can feel it.

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Friday, February 25, 2005

Doctor #2... YOU'RE FIRED!

So I went to my Doctor #2 (who I am firing) and asked for a copy of all my records and my ENTIRE chart. Yesterday they gave me my chart of what that THEY did since September. They refused to release the records from Doctor #1 that I had sent to THEM in August. They said I would have to go back to Doctor #1 and ask them for ANOTHER copy of my original charts and records that cover my pregnancies, m/c's, testing, HSG, HCG during pregnancy, basically everything.

I am pissed... I won't have time to go to Doctor #1 (again) and ask for a copy of my chart before my appointment with doctor #3 on Monday.

I am so frustrated. THEY ARE MY RECORDS! THEY ARE MY CHARTS! If ANYONE had a right to have them it is me!!! I paid for them!

Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!

I am on cd31.... I am still on progesterone until tomorrow morning when I will test for the final time this cycle. It will only be my 2nd HPT... are you proud of me? It is amazing what being jaded will do for a person.

(Have to go be happy about a PW weekly baby shower now.... I AM happy for her... but I am also jealous, pissed , angry, frustrated, and hopeless for me...)

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Nothing Special...

I got a BFN on Sunday... not much more to report... I will probably wait to test again until Saturday... cd 32... at that point it will be REALLY negative or REALLY positive. The reason that I can wait a whole week is because I have no symptoms... so it is easy to blow it off out of sheer frustration.

Also.. I am getting fat... The progesterone each month makes me bloated (does anyone else feel that way?) I feel about and extra 3 pound each month. This AM I tipped the scale at 150.5... I really "should" be about 135... I need motivation to lose... but I have no energy to get out there and MOVE! I find myself eating things that I know I shouldn't... I don't want to be a "depressed eater" but sometimes... I will be eating something bad for me and thinking about how fat I am at the same time! How fucked up is that????

I might cut my hair this weekend. It is getting so long... past my bra strap in the back... Everyone always tells me how pretty it is... but it is always in my way... Plus... my ends really need it. I don't want to be one of those women who never cut their hair and have no style because they have had the same hair for 20 years... I have been watching a lot of Oprah and she is on a "looking younger and make-over" kick... Maybe I need to do something drastic to kick myself into gear. Maybe I'll post a pic of the back of my hair and see what you guys think.

I need a change.

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Friday, February 18, 2005

Hope... not again...

I almost bought this at Hallmark today.

Me: "I've seen these around lately and I thought I might get one... you know to help me stay hopeful... kind of like a fertility statue or something... I could put it on my bedside table..."

Mr. D. : "That wouldn't be creepy at all."

So I didn't buy it. Even though Mr. D. did approve it for the mantel in the sitting room/ nursery after a little whining from me. I almost bought it... and then I thought I might be setting myself up for a huge let down over the next couple of days...

Mr. D did surprise me this afternoon with a polka dotted stuffed frog and a matching teddy bear for the sitting room/ nursery... they were on sale at Target after Valentine's day and matched the room perfectly. I also bought the CUTEST white stuffed bunny... (It is for me... not my imaginary kid... I swear...) Target also had really cute baby onesies, hats, pacifiers, and bottles in the $1 clearance section... they were REALLY cute... but Mr. D drew the line there so we didn't get any... the onesies might have fit my new stuffed bear and bunny... but not the frog.

We also spent time looking at cribs and other baby furniture... Man... Target is pretty incredible. It is the place where all good things come from.

Folks... I have a feeling the monthly meltdown this month may be really rough... Hope keeps creeping in and believe me... she is not welcome in this house.

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Infertility on the Air...

Cd 24... I still haven't is 10 dpo... (If FF is right about the "O") I am sort of losing my hopeful feeling about this month... two days ago I thought this might be it... My stomach felt really full and bloated, gassy, and heartburn-y and I was peeing a lot (like 7 times in 9 hours...) But... now I think it is a false alarm... mostly because of my boobs... I got nothing.

There is a national radio personality that I listen to that is based out of my area... Over the last 18 months she has been trying to get pg. Now her "infertility" is starting to become a major topic of conversation on the show... It started out slow... like a contest to see who could get pregnant first... listeners or this DJ. Slowly, she began to share her struggle on the radio... always with a positive attitude while the guys on the show tell he to "just relax" or to "adopt a child because everyone who adopts fall pg soon after." She gets messages on her message board full of assvice about how to get pg... It must be so frustrating for her. Lately, she has been on local TV talking about acupuncture and infertility. She has tried clomid and I think that she is moving on to IUI.

I identify with her so much... Now, when she talks about her struggles she sounds a little sadder and wiser. Sometime when they are teasing her about not being pregnant after 18 months I want to call in and actually defend her. I get so angry because I don't feel that people are being sensitive enough about the heartbreaking cycle of trying month after month... Today someone actually said "Maybe if you saw what a pain kids could be you wouldn't want one so bad." I am sure that she is much stronger about her fertility issues than I am... she seems to let these comments just roll off her back. But I am so offended and heartbroken at the lack of sympathy people show women who are TTC and having trouble. I am so sick of it. It makes me angry.

Once I emailed her and told her about my blog and our PW support group. She sent me a sweet email back. It is so strange hearing someone's struggle on a daily basis and not actually knowing them. It makes me so sad to think about how many women are out there going through infertility... alone.

I want her to get pregnant.
I want you guys to get pregnant.
I want me to get pregnant.

And I hope if she does get pregnant that she keeps it secret for a long time... As insensitive as people are about infertility... it makes me wonder what how they would react to a lost pregnancy...I don't think I could take the patent answers on miscarriage coming from my radio... I can hear it now...

"It was God's will"
"It wasn't really a baby yet..."
"You'll get pg again..."
"There must have been something wrong will the baby"
etc... etc... etc...

(I might just chuck my radio out the window...)

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Cd 21- A subtle reminder...

A little gift from my friend Jess... Actually, the one she sent me was in glitter letters... but it is just to big to go across my blog... Just open and shut your eyes really fast a bunch of times... see that kind of looks like glitter...

How long do you think I can hold out this time???? My goal is Sunday... cd 26... I KNOW many people still think this is too soon... but jeez... I am only human... If I make it to Sunday it will be a miracle...

Also, for your viewing pleasure...
This is Hannah... one of my 3 kitties... I got her for Valentine's Day 12 years ago. So... happy birthday Hannah you sweet little old lady (well.. if by "little" you mean 22 pounds.) She is laying on her giant duck... my Easter present last year from Mr. D. Hannah is kind of spoiled... and in case you can't tell by the glare... she is completely the boss of Lenny and Snoopy her two (much) younger brothers...

Hannah Claire Posted by Hello

Hannah is the kitty queen.... and kind of a bitch.

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Sunday, February 13, 2005


Hoping you have a MAGICAL
Valentine's Day!!!

My hubby's job...
This is my hubby... or at least the latest cartoon he is re-voicing from Japanese to English...

His name: Doppo...
His Mission: Major karate ass kicking and making loud smacking noises when he eats...

You would be surprised at how much this actually LOOKS like Mr. D. when he shaves his head... Funny huh?

My hubby... Posted by Hello

My hubby as a Japanese action figure... SO SCARY!!!!!Posted by Hello

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Saturday, February 12, 2005

What's my Fate? 97.8...

My temps took another sorry dip this morning.... WTF???? Now they look more like the rocky mountains than ever....

I should have asked the nurse the other day exactly HOW my temps COULD go up since I have VERY low progesterone (supposed to be in the 20's and mine was 2.4 when tested...)??? And progesterone in your body is what makes the temp go up... from my understanding... which is (as usual) clear as mud.

Also... I have always had what I would "consider "O" pangs... a slight little pinching (mostly on the right) every month that would tell me that I was o-ing.... Am I crazy??? I also get the "O" blues... like light PMS... boobs hurt... moody... etc... but just a little...

I am pathetic... I am trying to convince myself that I have ovulated and just don't get the temp rise like everyone else... IN THE WORLD.

I will have to go back to OPK's and be very religious about them to see if I can catch a LH surge.. when I have used them in the past I have sort of done them whenever... not really paying attention to the time or if I used them every day... Some women do them 2 or three times a day trying to catch the surge...

The nurse said I "should" have both a temp rise and + OPK... but that even one would lean more to the fact that I am ovulating...

SO... I will get a new battery for my thermometer today and search on the internet for CHEAP ovulation pee sticks... I will also start the progesterone tonight like she said so get ready for a FAKE temp rise and FAKE crosshairs on FF by Monday...

In other news...
Dear Fertile Crack Heads,
Please refrain from throwing your newborn babies out of moving vehicles. It *could* harm the child and it makes us infertile women (and probably most of the world) want to beat you to a bloody pulp. Oh... by the way... what the FUCK is wrong with you???

Oh wait... oh you poor Fertile Crack Head... you MADE UP the whole "thrown from the car" story because you didn't WANT your baby and didn't know what to do even though you are 38 and have ANOTHER child? Oh.....Now it all makes perfect sense... By the way WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Adoption... ever heard of it? Nah... I have a better idea... just put the baby in a plastic bag (placenta and all) and say someone threw it out of a car... much better...

OMG... I think I am going to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS... Gotta LOVE the last line of the "made up" article.


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Friday, February 11, 2005

What I did today...

I did two things yesterday concerning TTC (among the bazillion other crap things I did at work...)

1. Called the nurse at RE... she called back and I expressed concern about my temps and ovulation sticks...She said IF I am ovulating I SHOULD still have a temp raise (before progesterone) and SHOULD be able to use ovulation sticks....Remember I quit trying with ovulation sticks 3 months ago when the RE told me "they don't really work"... JEEZ!!!! So... she "suspects" that I may not be ovulating or not ovulating every month... She suggested doing another follicle monitoring next month... I reminded her that we did one just 3 months ago and wasn't that enough? Basically... no... BUT... If I was ovulating then... and IF I ovulate during the next monitoring... that doesn't mean that I will ovulate the next cycle or the next.... etc... She also mentioned cysts again... even though we ruled out PCOS... WTF??? I hung up more confused then ever...

However... I did learn that there is no way to find out the "quality" of the eggs besides taking them out of the body for IVF... I was confused about this because I was under the impression that the follicle monitoring was telling them something about the QUALITY of my eggs... Apparently it wasn't.. It was to show that I didn't have PCOS or any cysts and to see if I was growing a follicle that bursts into what we ASSUME is a released egg (with unknown quality)from the follicle.

And... She did tell me to wait for 2 more days and see if I get a temp rise... she said to start progesterone on cd18 this time...

2. I called and made an appointment with a new doctor... A regular OBI/GYM that does "some" fertility medicine.... It is February 28th... I have learned from the book
COMING TO TERM... that the fertility specialist is not the place I want to be right now as a recurrent miscarrier.... I may end up there again later... but now I don't want any fertility medication, surgeries, or procedures... If the new doctor suggests monitoring my cycle I probably will do it... but I need a little time to decide.

I had a slight temp raise today on cd 17... who the heck knows what is going on????

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Thursday, February 10, 2005

My temps are sucking... again...

You can see my stupid temps HERE...

What we know:
1. That my period is pretty regular 31-34 cd's.
2. That in November I did follicle monitoring and was ovulating... not sure of the "quality..."
3. I have tried Ovulating sticks but they don't work for me... I must have something weird with my LH hormone that won't turn the stick... but they have tested it and it is "normal". RE said "don't worry about it... ovulating sticks suck"... but why do they work for everybody else???
4. I have very low progesterone... and I am on supplements which I am supposed to start taking after I ovulate... so when do I start them THIS month???
5. I have been pregnant twice... so I KNOW I ovulate...
6. I have miscarried at 7 weeks twice.... technical blighted ovum... sac... no heartbeat... no baby...
7. I do not have PCOS...

What we don't know:
1. WHAT??? I am ovulating....
2. WHEN??? I am ovulating...
3. When I should start the progesterone supplements this month....
4. Today is cd 16...

I will call today and try to set up (A) an appointment with a *new* doctor... or (B) another follicle monitoring with my RE (who I need to fire.... but I am to lazy...)

So besides the advice to see a doctor... what do you guys recommend I do now???

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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

What to say...

I had to remove the comments in the last post because my blog was attacked again... by some anonymous poster from Pregnancy Weekly. The mean posts mentioned my "bitterness & jealously" and my "shriveled up ovaries" and for the most part takes cheap jabs at how funny these women think that my struggles are. Last night... as I lay in bed on cd 14... (we really needed to have TTCSex...) but instead... I lay there crying with my husband... because of the hateful words... the hurtful comments... and the fact that I had to delete all the sweet meaningful comments on my last post about how WONDERFUL Mr. D. is and what a great job he did on his decorating project... My husband reads my blog... My favorite aunt reads my blog... 2 of my "real life" friends read my blog... and although they don't post, the thought of them reading what this anonymous person wrote about me was to much to take.

My blog will be closed for "anonymous" comments for a while... I do hope you all keep reading though...

On a lighter note... I found this site for you.... If you are an English major you might like it... This is the EXACT format I use for most of my blog entries.

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Sunday, February 06, 2005

My husband rocks!!!

So GLAD to know that you guys are as weirded out by this LISA thing as I am... Keep commenting on the previous post if you haven't already... I love knowing that I am the normal one... (ha... me... normal???)

So... what wonderful thing did my hubby do for me lately??? Well... last weekend as a surprise he painted our laundry room and DECORATED it... THE LAUNDRY ROOM!!! You see... we have worked really hard on decorating our new home and it is filled with warm snuggly colors... lots of denim, yellow, and red in the main part of the house... A spa-like master for us with the lightest sage green in our bath and a color called creme brulee in the bedroom and attached sitting room / (some day nursery...) We also have a pumpkin colored home office and a beautiful lavender girly guest bedroom... Our home is filled with color... It was my "theatrical" attempt at interior design... very inspired by the Pottery Barn life that I thought I was going to have...

Anyway... we always joked that the laundry room was the only room that had the original paint on the walls in the whole house... It is right off the kitchen and we usually just keep the door closed... Well... Mr. D. painted that room a lovely shade of denim blue.. to match the sofa in the great room... And bought lots of yellow boxes to hide our laundry stuff... extra pet food and toys.. and gardening supplies... He also displayed a few of my crystal serving pieces on the top shelf and even included yellow flowers and a wedding picture!!!

My new laundry room! Posted by Hello

It is like a sweet little jewel box right in my kitchen!!! What an amazing husband I have...

Oh... I LOVE decorating!!! I can't WAIT to do a nursery!!!!

Take THAT Lisa....

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Saturday, February 05, 2005

Tell me if you think this is weird????

I am not the jealous type (except about babies..) But I have always been very secure in my relationship with Mr. D. But I have GOT to tell you about his psycho ex-girlfriend... We'll call her...hmmm.... LISA.

Lisa and Mr. D dated like YEARS ago... probably over 10 years ago.... They had been broken up for long while by the time I came around 8 1/2 years ago... Lisa lives in California and writes play... for a (sort of) living among selling old records on Ebay and channeling dead people for extra cash. When Mr. D . and I first started dating they were still in contact and she would write him letters or email and call every once in a while... She was also in contact with his parents... Mr. D's dad always did her taxes each year... I never really minded (because she was in CALIFORNIA...) During our first year together Mr. D. went to CA. for an audition and stayed with her... THIS was the biggest fight we have had in our whole relationship because I just didn't think that was appropriate... but whatever. He came back... reiterated that Lisa is still crazy.. and we moved on...

I have to say here that Mr. D. and I have always known that Lisa was still in love with him. You can just tell she thinks that he was the love of her life and really regrets the fact that they are not together... Mr. D. says he thinks it is because she liked HER life better when they were together... so she relates that to him. He says their relationship was never "that" great... and that she was ultimately too strange for him to deal with... She is VERY artsy and has been known to do weird things like "channeling"... uhm... dead people... Think Pheobe from Friends... sweet but just a touch insane... okay... more than a touch... My she is little and cute and blond so that makes it easier to be that "kooky" insane instead of "insane" insane. But never the less... I have always known that Lisa was still pining for my man.

Five years ago Mr. D. and I were in a national tour of a musical and one of our stops was Pasadena, CA... so we made plans to visit Lisa... We got together for dessert the first night we got there... I met her... we saw her house... a renovated 1 room garage in Southern California... met for dessert another night... everything was very friendly... I was not at all threatened by her in fact I thought she was very nice... totally crazy... but nice.

Four years ago when we got engaged we sent Lisa an engagement announcement (like we did to ALL of our friends...) But Lisa wrote a NASTY email to Mr. D. saying that she was offended to find out about our engagement through the mail... (they same way everyone else did... we got engaged on Thanksgiving and announced our engagement in our Christmas card....) At that point she broke off all contact to Mr. D. He tried to email her back... but she never responded.
We did send her a wedding announcement a year later and still heard nothing from Lisa...

Last week Lisa called Mr. D.'s parents. (Keeping in mind that she has not had contact with them or us in four years...) His parents are in their 70's and have moved to a new home in the past 4 years.. so she had to FIND them on the internet to contact them. She is in town in a local playwriting competition and wants to have lunch with them... NEVER MENTIONS inviting or contacting Mr. D.... just wants to see them... (the same people who she hasn't cared to contact for 4 years....)

So they go to lunch with her (which actually hurts MY feelings but that is another whole issue). I don't know much about this "mystery" lunch since we weren't invited and Mr. D refuses to ask any questions about what the fuck she wanted with his parents... I did find out that she went to see my in-laws house, the went to lunch, AND that Mr. D.'s sister also joined them at the restaurant for this happy reunion!!!! (MAJOR lost SIL points... and she didn't have many to start with...)

We do know that she is leaving Dallas today (YAY!), that she married 3 years ago to an insurance guy, and that her play is in this competition. That is all I know... Mr. D. says it is no big deal... he thinks she is RUDE... but doesn't really care much about Lisa anyway. I CARE... I think it is FREAKING STRANGE... I want her to leave MY in-laws alone and want to know why she didn't contact us??? I was nice to her... I tried to accept that she could remain a part of our lives even though she was openly still in love with my husband... And then she sneaks in and lunches with my IN-LAWS... the gloves are off... Am I mad that she contacted my in-laws? Am I mad that she didn't contact my husband??? Am I mad that she didn't want to see how great we are together??? YES... ALL of that... I. AM. MAD.

Here is my question... Would you contact the 70+ year old parents of a boyfriend who broke up with you over 10 years ago and who YOU got pissed off at 4 year ago for sending you an engagement announcement by mail to have lunch while you were 2000 miles away from home??? Would your "insurance guy" husband mind????

Please tell me this is insane behavior...
Please tell me that I am the normal one in this scenario...

Please tell me that my MIL & SIL didn't tell Lisa personal stuff about me like how I keep having m/c's and that I can't seem to get over it...

Please... tell me something....

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Thursday, February 03, 2005

We got our PW Board!!!!

YAY!!!! There is now a TTC~OVER A YEAR forum at Pregnancy Weekly!!! I am sooooo happy!!!! Thanks to all the girls that wrote tons of emails to let PW know why this forum needed to be added!!!

If you are not a PW member and have been TTC over a year... Please consider this an invitation to join us on our new board!!!


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Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Forgotten

Another movie to add to the Infertile Bloggirl's WARNING: DO NOT WATCH list is THE FORGOTTEN starring Julianna Moore...

This is a tricky one... because it seems like there would be NOTHING that would bother me about it.. And yet, since 3 nights ago on my EDD, I completely fucking lost it while watching this movie... I thought I would bring it to your attention.

The movie is about a mom named Telly who's 9 year old son was killed in a plane crash 14 months prior. Through the first 15 minutes of the movie there are heart breaking scenes of her grief. Telly spends her days with her psychologist and her nights going through memory books and video tapes of her son's life. Lots of scenes with her husband trying to help her "get over" this loss....Then... one day... she goes to the memory books and they are all empty... She freaks because she thinks her husband took the pictures and the videos to force her to let go... (so far.. I was totally ok with this thriller...)

Cut to scene in the psychologist's office where they break the news to her that the books and video tapes were always empty... SHE NEVER HAD A CHILD... that she had a MISCARRIAGE. All of her memories were trauma induced and her brain made up the past nine happy years with her son to "protect" her from the grief of losing her baby....

OK.. at this point I give a shocked look to Mr. D. and he says "Oh my God... Do we need to stop it?" I nodded and by the time the DVD stopped I was a sobbing mess. I just wasn't expecting that AT ALL... I had to sit in the bathroom for several minutes trying not tho vomit... I felt like I was having a panic attack... I just felt so... blindsided....

It took me a good 30 minutes to pull myself together. Believe it or not, I actually wanted to finish watching the movie... which had NOTHING at all to do with miscarriage... Without telling the story or the ending I will just say that it is like a long X-files episode... The rest of the film was fine and didn't bother me at all... but the whole "you-never-had-a-child-and-you-just-made-up-the-last-nine-years-to-"protect"-yourself-from-the-unbearable-grief-of-your-miscarriage" left me a hysterical crying blob in the bathroom. At the very end of the movie moment there is a scene where she is whispering "I had life inside of me... I am a mother" that also kind of got to me... but nothing like the now infamous "you never had a baby" scene.

Anyway, add it to the warning list of movies that sneak in some aspect of infertility that we weren't bargaining for when we picked up the movie at Blockbuster...

Why can't I just watch a MOVIE without this kind of crap happening???

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