Irony: a definition

If a picture is worth 1000 words... this one might deserve 2000.

What is going on with your adoption????

What is going on with you adoption???

That is the question that breaks my heart every time I heard it. The main reason is because the answer is painful... "we are still waiting". Why are we still waiting? What is taking so long? The simple fact is that our agency is having a very hard time connecting with birthmoms. I have no answer for why or why this has changed so drastically from when we signed with them almost 18 months ago... but it has. And it is all the things you would imagine it being... frustrating... devastating... and plain old hard.

We don't get a ton of communication from our agency... which is ok... I just don't have new answers for the friends and loved ones who ask the hard questions on a weekly basis... In fact.. as far as I know nothing has changed since I called and had a major meltdown on the phone with our adoption attorney back in early August... but we have to hold on to faith and know that God will bring Finn in to our lives when it is time.

Our agency sent out a brief letter to the "waiting families" a week ago... It was hard news to take... here is a little part that I feel comfortable sharing...

As most of you are aware, at (name of agency), we have seen a dramatic decline in the number of women placing children for adoption. We have tried many avenues to increase our visibility and improve our outreach to women in need. As a part of those efforts, we have hired a retired nurse to do outreach with local medical professionals. We have also revamped our outreach materials, and we have purchased strategic bill board advertising to reach women facing unplanned pregnancy. We are also in the process of seeking a contract which will allow (name of agency) to hire up to ten new pregnancy counselors throughout West-Texas -- increasing both our visibility and our services. While It is too early to know what effects our efforts will have, we are very optimistic.

As you can probably imagine.. this news is hard to to hear. We know that we are high up on the list at the agency... but news like this can throw me into a tailspin. They are trying... and we believe that... but it doesn't always help to know. This is the agency that when we signed with them 18 months ago had never had any couple wait over 12 months for a baby... and that was the truth... but the game has changed now and we are trying to adjust to the new situation.
All this to say... if you are one of our dear friends of family members who feel "out of the loop" please don't... it is just that things are moving very slowly right now and during the wait Mr. D. and I have good days and bad days. We don't want you to stop asking questions... just understand when we say with a sigh "we're are still waiting" we really are telling you everything we know.

Thank you all for walking this journey with us. Please continue to pray for Finley Elisse and our family.

fuck this.

I used to blog when I needed to get things off my chest... so here goes...

REASONS I AM UNREASONABLY ANGRY

1. My adoption that was supposed to take about a year is now in its 17 month. This is making my life so friggin out of control right now and I am really having a hard time dealing with all of this... for realz...

2. My mother fucking weight... I am gaining like crazy and I go from hating myself and working my ass off at the gym to saying I don't give a mother fucking fuck and eating a goddamn candy bar at 2 in the afternoon... sometimes in the same day.

3. My job... I hate it right now... but I really blame #1 for this since it is so hard to give a friggin rats ass about anything when you are waiting for an adoption.

4. My skin... why am I broken out like a teen right now??? It really bites to have wrinkles and acne!

5. The fucking swine flu... EVERYONE at school is coughing and disgusting and I hate being around sick people... especially sick teenagers who refuse to stay home because they don't want to lose their exam exemptions.

6. My breast pump... I am very angry at having to have my boobs pinched and pulled each day for no reason. I am sick of it! And they are huge.. and not in a good way.

7. Holidays... I am coming up to another holiday season and I don't have a baby. That fucking pisses me off. FUCK.

8. People who keep asking me "where is your baby???" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW... OK??? And every time you ask me that it is like you are stabbing me in the gut.

9. Feeling depressed... I want to spend all my free time eating or sleeping. I don't want to see people for all the reasons above (weight... zits... and talking... etc...) I just feel like hibernating.

10. My Dad... Sometime after marrying the worst woman in the world 10 years ago he became a total doucebag. And I really miss having my old dad. And after 10+ years of trying to put up with his wife... well... she is a horrible, despicable person... and I just can't say anything nice about her. And she took away my dad.

11. The guilt I feel for being angry.... I have sooo much to be thankful for... my amazing husband... my beautiful home... my great job... my sweet pets... the normal people in our families... and my (someday) baby girl.... But right now I just want to scream that I have had enough of all this and it is HARD to see the damn light at the end of the tunnel.

I am tired of thinking positive... I am obviously not good at it.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

I am sure I will be ok tomorrow.

Oh... more shocking news... I am about to start my period.

My stress level is so high right now I feel like I could explode.

FUCK ALL OF THIS!!!!!

Thanks for listening.

Yeah...

So...
Pumping for 5 months straight with no baby...

... pretty much sucks.