Spring is here...

The first ice cream of spring... brought to you by Truman!



"Hey... what is this mysterious thing you call banana-fudge-sundae??? "



"Holy crap!!!! How long have you known about this stuff?????"



"How have I lived an entire 5 months with out this frozen goodness???"









"GONE???? What do you mean gone???? Quick... go get more!!! I am not kidding... GO!!!!"

(please don't write in a tell me how bad ice cream is for dogs... just look at that face... could you say no?)

Still here....

I'm still here.

I just don't have much to say anymore about my infertility.

I check the blogs daily... but I don't respond.

I still go to all my pregnancy related sites each morning... but mostly out of habit.

I try and try to think of interesting things to post about... but I got nothing.

Is it possible to be tired of yourself?

I don't regret (at all) not doing treatments since Christmas... but stopping all that stuff and not having 5-8 dr. visits a month really limits what I have to say about ttc.

I am feeling a little depressed... my students competed well at competition but were beat out by two (horrible) plays due to a completely (incompetent) last minute judge who knew very little (nothing) about theatre... so that is hard for everyone. Hours and hours and HOURS of work down the drain. Sucks.

I have more free time now. I am trying to go to the gym... do yoga and eat better. I am drinking the famous kombucha ... I am trying to like it... it is like some miracle potion but GAH... it is gross... it tastes like drinking Easter egg dye... like a big gulp of apple cider vinegar. I keep thinking that I might get used to it... all the celebrities are drinking it... but GROSS....

I have a wedding to attend this weekend... my new teaching partner is getting married for the first time at 35... I am happy for her... but all I secretly keep thinking that she will probably be pregnant by fall... and then I will have to deal with that everyday. Way to think positive huh? Way to be a nice person... Way to not be completely selfish and self absorbed...

Did anyone see the preacher on Oprah with the "complaint free" bracelets? I just wondered what the infertile world though of this. Me... I thought is was a great idea. But one that I could never do. And I imagine a "complaint free" world with a bunch of angry people with ulcers who never let out their feelings... Isn't being uncomfortable (complaining) what brings around change in the world? I guarantee my insurance will never cover infertility benefits if people don't ban together and complain until that change is made... Maybe I am missing the point. Maybe he mean what I call "constant low grade complaining" to my students... basically whining about stupid things... but I think this guy found an awesome gimmick... great publicity for his church... and if it really makes those people happier... then who cares about a few ulcers. I just know that I would be switching my bracelet... uhm... a lot.

Time to get to work... I will try to post more often.
Don't give up on me.

CD 6...

Have been very busy over this spring break... trying to get my students ready for their competition next week.

Just wanted to let those who care know that AF showed up last Saturday... so BFN again... surprise.

I didn't go back to the doctor... I didn't start any meds... I did get a massage.

My b/f Nic had her 2nd baby last Friday... Gianna Maria... 10 pounds 1 ounce!!!! No c-section! Wow! I went and saw them on Saturday... AF showed up on the way to the hospital... Ironic. We had a nice visit... Mom and baby are now home and doing great.

I don't really have a lot to say. I am fine. A little overwhelmed with having to work all of spring break... a little sad about my state of non-pregnancy... a little confused on what my next step should be.

Hope you are all doing well.
I will be out of my funk soon...

These dreams...

You know how I am trying hard to not obsess about getting pregnant... well my subconscious isn't cooperating.

Despite getting of most meds, acupuncture, reflexology, cupping, and massage... plus being super busy for the last several weeks... pregnancy stuff still manages to creep into my subconscious.

Last night I dreamed that my 67 year old Mom came over and told me that she was pregnant with baby girl... from my dad (they have been divorced for 13 years.) I had 3 reactions...
1. I went into the whole "this proves everyone in the entire world can get pregnant but me!!!"
2. I was happy because this meant that mt Mom and Dad might get back together since my dad was obviously cheating on my stepmonster. (I guess you never really give up the hope that your parents will reconcile.
3. How totally strange it would be to have a baby sister that was 35 years younger... although my Mom didn't tell me this in the dream... I was kind of hoping that she might give me her baby... I mean she knows how much I want one right???

And then I woke up.

Gah... how weird! Dreams like that make me feel like I might be more fucked up in the head than I thought I was.

Even though I am trying to not obsess about baby... my b/f Nicole is due to go into labor any day... Maybe that is why it is on my mind... even when I am not awake.

I have always believed that dreams are us trying to work things out in our minds as we sleep. And I once heard a very interesting theory that we are everyone in our dreams... that there is no other people so.... (deep breath) here goes...

ME = the obvious me... the infertile me.

MOM= the me that thinks by the time I actually get pregnant I will be too old to enjoy being a mom... to tired.. not the young and energetic mom that I have always dreaming of being.

DAD= the absent me... the missing pieces that are just talked about... but not really there.

BABY GIRL = The hopeful me... the part that actually believes that everything will end up perfect and whole.

How is that Dr. Freud?